foodsmug lifesmug recaps

KERF Recaps: Kathy Puts Frozen Stuff in a Pot and Pretends It’s Soup

The recaps are two weeks late again, so let’s punish ourselves by jumping straight back into Kathletic Conditioning without stretching OR remembering our Camelback —

— as we return to her entry from Thursday, Jan. 22, “Easy Freezer Vegetable Soup.”

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Ever since deciding she was going to dumb down her posts, not publish them to the web in the morning, and not stick to a weekday schedule, everything’s gotten even more dumbsy-turvy than usual in Kathy’s world. This post is a “recipe” where she uses up a bunch of leftover shit and makes something that looks terrible, but starts off and finishes up trying to be chatty and casual, using up her allotment of punctuation to make emoticons:

Oooo I’m up late!! Rather, I’m writing late : ) And probably heading right to bed after this.

She published around 7:30 p.m. that night. If I had a nana, she’d be brightly side-eyeing Kathy over a bridge hand and a glass of Scotch.

Did you guys watch Downton Abbey and The Bachelor this week? The first half of the week gets all the good TV. But don’t worry – Survivor fills up the rest

Shit, I spoke too soon. I guess Kathy really WAS exhausted after what was probably a day of Stairmastering for 26 minutes and eating half as many tacos as pregnant ladies everywhere! Are you okay, Kathy?

I LOVED the story line about Mary + her hotel stay in Downton and Whitney is my current favorite for Chris. Kaitlyn is pretty fun too, but I can see Whitney as his wife. Kelsey needs more time with him!

I think I’m more confused about what she just said than when Kathy was calling the show “Downtown” Abbey, unless Whitney is an impertinent village nutritionist, Kelsey and Kaitlyn are dashing scullery maids, and Chris is some rapscallion Seventh Marquess of Milford Haven.

If she could move beyond her distaste for meat, Kathy might have done well as an RD back then.

Stupid “The Bachelor.”

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Anyway, on to the completely unrelated topic of what the post is supposed to be about. Kathy had half-used frozen vegetables and frozen cooked lentils in the freezer, which is awesome, because she didn’t want to have to chop anything:

While I totally agree that fresh vegetables taste best, frozen are 97% as good in soup form and sure save a lot of chopping time!

I mean, do you guys know how much time she saved not have to chop those lentils? At least 26 seconds.

Into a pot of water, she dumps about three cups of frozen vegetables (er, four once people point out in the comments that she didn’t mention green beans), about two and a half cups of frozen lentils, a box of chicken broth, one clove of garlic, one cup of uncooked barley, a single teaspoon of paprika, and salt, pepper, and Parmesan “to taste,” brings the whole mess to a boil, and simmers it until the barley is cooked (and the vegetables are crap).

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I’m almost certain the out-of-focus blob on the left is the greater Malacca toad, a cute little bugger Kathy really shouldn’t eat because he’s being threatened by production of one of sponsor General Mills’ favorite asshole ingredients, palm oil.

This nearly fatless pot of corn and peas, she says,

made about 6 servings – 4 if you have a hearty appetite!

And of course everything was super nutritious.

Oh, OF COURSE. Of course it was, Kathy. I mean, you made it! How could it not be? We would never entertain such an idea.

It didn’t taste good —

 

The Parmesan cheese and hot sauce made the dish!

— but at least there was enough hot sauce to numb everyone’s tastebuds to that.

She ends the post with a “lifestyle tidbit to note” that she “CANCELLED” her order of that $700-1900 (on sale) pretend “boulangerie” table from Restoration Hardware.

Why? Well, because she didn’t want to read the literally only one page of product information that says, after repeated mentions of the circa-1985 pine being “unfinished,” that you should probably throw on some clear furniture wax, at the very least:

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 11.59.57 AMKathy says she

….loved the feel and color, [but] started to freak out about oil and water stains.

And she doesn’t want to hear any suggestions about what she should do instead, thank you very much! In addition to suggesting the usual furniture retailers, Kath’s commenters share stories about how a husband made a table from reclaimed cypress, supporting locally made furniture from Concepts Created and Carolina Farm Table, going to the wonderful Habitat for Humanity ReStore, or purchasing a less-expensive and better-made table from Amish craftsmen (“Come take a trip to Intercourse, PA the next time they invite you to Hershey!” suggests a delightful commenter called Beth) and she ignores them all. Thanks, Kathy!

No chance of Bath Matt following up his porch critter with a full-sized dining Gump then?

Not that “stains” were a potential problem when she decided to re-upholster her living room furniture in white (“inspired” by “Operation Beach Cottage”) with a 20-month-old in the house, but hey, Kathy’s as inconsistent as her definitions of “soup” —

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— so I’m sure no one’s surprised.

*and also because I’ve been trying to actually attain more than the roughly 50% of Kathy’s daily sleep time I’ve been subsisting on for the last two and a half years. What can I say? The thought of fritters on salad is more terrifying than the evil bicycle clowns in “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.”

 

 

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KERF Recaps: Kathy Gets Paid To Eat Free Food

Wednesday’s entry is a sponsored post brought to us by Blue Apron. What’s Blue Apron? It takes Kathy almost 200 words before she tells us that Blue Apron provides “recipes.” But also, meals.
The meals at Blue Apron are chef-designed recipes that you can make at home, and they definitely step up the fancy a notch. Plus since all of the ingredients you need are shipped (for free) right to you, there is never any need for planning or waste at the end.
Good grief, Kathy. The meals “definitely step up the fancy a notch”? Don’t worry about trying to be clever when you can’t even clearly state that Blue Apron sends you recipes and the ingredients you’ll need to make each one. Also, you totally just made it sound like the food is free, which it’s not.
Here’s what she’s made recently — or allegedly recently:
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What does she do in those almost 200 words before (sort of) telling us what Blue Apron is? She tells us that she never put any effort into cooking dinner:
For years I made dinners flying by the seat of my pants. I rarely ever used a recipe, and didn’t actually know what we were having until I started to get hungry.
Cue toddler-blaming in 3, 2, 1….
But, as you’ve heard before, when you have a child (or a busy job or a change in lifestyle) winging it just doesn’t work.

She then says that, in 2014, she and Bath Matt “worked hard to get organized,” because such a thing has always been impossible with the hectic madness of Bath Matt working a walkable mile away at a franchise bakery and getting home at 5 p.m., Kathy maintaining a blog, going to the gym, and attending to the basic needs of a single, healthy child who was born in late 2012, Kathy’s parents a state away, Bath Matt’s mom in town, and the ability to pay for house-cleaners, day care, and the occasional babysitter. Having a subscription to that other service that sends her meal plans for a week has been great, Kathy says, and that she’s been so surprised that the services has been

bringing in a lot more diversity into our meals. From technique to flavor, cooking other people’s recipes has pushed me out of my comfort zone. I’ve also learned quite a bit!

None of those things she’s learned have been about using onions, putting things in the refrigerator for a few hours, or the appropriate use of cold butter in crust-making, but Kathy says the recipes have resulted in

additions to my cooking repertoire that have resulted in extra delicious meals this year

The tips she has supposedly have learned have been: prep stuff and read the damn recipe —

I can’t tell you how many times I have planned something for dinner and not looked at the recipe until after I’m super hungry and ready to eat! Meal planning and prep has forced me to mentally prepare for our dinner recipe all day and sometimes before that.

This isn’t the Olympics, Kathy. Why are you “mentally prepar[ing]” for a recipe that someone sends you and you don’t even have to think about?

The second tip is to use lemon and lime when the recipes call for them:

This is a step I almost always used to skip. “Meh, you can’t taste it,” I would think.

You’re an idiot, Kathy.

Your readers agree.

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But following recipes has made me question that mentality and switch to the “if they say I should I probably should” one. FOMO = fear of missing out!

What does that bullshit FOMO have to do with not using almost the world’s most simple ingredient?

I’ve started keeping lemons and limes on hand for use in my own recipes too. And yes, you can taste it!

She then says that the meal-planning service that’s paying her to write about stuff has taught her the very important lesson of using the “right oils for the right things.” She links to a chart to explain what she means.

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The next tip is that people should spend money on stuff. Fuck all of you guys who can’t afford to purchase these things.

Freshly baked bread. Flavored olive oils. Fresh pasta. Tomatoes canned at their peak. Local jam. Invest in the good stuff! If you’re saving money by cooking at home, then at least bridge the gap a little by investing in ingredients that will make your food taste restaurant-worthy.

That includes herbs:

Herbs are annoying to buy at the grocery store. You pick out a bunch, sometimes pay a lot for it, use a few pinches and then it rots in your fridge. This has happened to me many times!

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Maybe it should also involve investing in spellcheck.

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“Cococnut”?

She ends by providing a link for 2 free meals for 100 customers who order something through her link, and by saying that the company that’s paying her to write her post provides meals that are

the perfect bridge between a date night out and a date night in.

Her commenters range from flattering link-bait to her mom,

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to criticism:

Screen Shot 2015-02-01 at 9.34.40 PM Criticism she’s not going to respond to, of course. Guess that’s part of the ultra-boring, post-adaptation new way.

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