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KERF Recaps: Kathy Wears A Terrible Vest and Changes Her “Work Flow”

Kathy starts out the week by greeting her readers, whom she calls “weekend warriors!!” She’s talking to people on a Monday, and not implying that any of them participate in an activity mostly done on the weekends — reservist training, or riding a motorcycle — but, hey, she had a phrase rattling around in her head that contained the word “weekend,” and catching it and typing it makes her clever.

After making an allusion to her mother-in-law, who’s now joyously fucked off to San Diego away from her paparazzi daughter-in-law,

basking in warm weather on a sailboat!? Wink wink Karen.

Kathy describes her own weekend as “pretty low key,” aside from it being “a little wild!” on Friday.

Her definition of wild?

The boys when on a father-son date to Citizen Burger, and I joined some friends at Mono Loco for girls’ night.

She went to Mono Loco, a restaurant that describes itself as “nouveau-Latin,” where she usually gets something called a Spice-a-Rita. These are pictures of actual Spice-a-Ritas from the Internet:

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Here is the “tasty!” drink she had:

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She also ate a seafood “burrito bowl,”

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and then “went out partying.” What does that mean?

Kathy says only that she

stayed out way too late!! Fun times.

On Saturday, Bath Matt went to the fakery, and Kathy started opening boxes to a $213 Martha Stewart hutch (in “picket fence,” a.k.a. white) that was made in China, contains 32 different kinds of panels, screws, and other bits — 241 pieces to keep track of, in all — and specifically says in the 14 pages of instructions that if you don’t assemble it with two people, you’ll damage it.

Saturday morning Matt went to work and Mazen and I enjoyed eggs, orange and toast before embarking on a massive furniture assembly project …. An organizer’s dream!!! …. I’m hoping to put this in the basement and use it for arts + crafts and things plus files, obviously.

The hutch’s companion piece, a $453 base, hasn’t been delivered yet, but takes 22 pages of instructions. So that should be fun. Bath Matt eventually came home, at which time it appears the hutch was finally assembled. Kathy says she is “pumped for all those little cubbies!” and experienced unimaginable “excitement when I realized my vintage cheese box fit perfectly inside : )”

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I’d say that cheese box looks about 4″ too short to fit “perfectly,” but whatever geckos your hutch, Kathy.

Kathy went on a run in weather

so cold that my muscles froze and I was so stiff and sore when I got home

posted these photos of herself —

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 7.52.38 PMand says,

See – it really was a low key weekend: sweat pants and wet hair all day long!

The vest is from Land’s End, by the way, and it might mark the only time she wears the same thing as Jordan “Ramshackle Glam” Reid, who got hers for free.

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The inspiration for “Babby Forming Despite Life Threatening Heels,” for which I love her. Tenuous connection to “Always Sunny”? Not so much.

She ate a sardine “salad” and “crackers and chips” for a “late lunch,” before allowing her child to play outside “in 15 minute increments” because it was cold. That evening, she posted a photo of beer in a wine glass — or, as she says,

we cracked this guy open

— and cooked Thai Shrimp Curry she’s going to write about “in a few weeks” because it’s part of a deal where that food delivery service Blue Apron pays her for it, I think. Kathy says,

It was delish and packed with flavor. Everyone agreed!

This is supposed to be curry.

This is supposed to be curry.

On Sunday, she ate oats with pumpkin, peanut butter, and a muffin on top for breakfast, “mac and cheese” sent to her by General Mills-owned Annie’s Homegrown for lunch,

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and took time for

chores, an indoor soccer game (we lost this time :( ) and relaxing

In comments, she responds to a question about how the “grass-fed” macaroni and cheese tasted with her typically charming lack of spell-check and punctuation:

Though [sic] it was good! Same as regular. ThiS was leftovers so the sauce was all soaked

In Tuesday’s post, Kathy announces a change to her blog since she said she was going to reboot it to “slow” her work two years ago to focus on “adventures and meals.”

Nay! Not a change! A RENAISSANCE.

2013′s “Adaptation” post:

Five years ago I started an online food diary to share with friends and family how eating healthy could be enjoyable and delicious. Never in a million years could I have imagined what KERF would become. If you told me someone would document every meal she ate for over five years, I would tell you she was crazy. Yet here I am — the crazy person!!

And, on Tuesday, she wrote:

It’s been nearly 2 years since KERF went from a thrice daily food and lifestyle journal to a 5x a week blog with lifestyle posts thrown in. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my work flow, my interests, your feedback and where I see KERF years from now.

2013:

You guys have followed me from a desk job to Chemistry 101, from California to Africa, from cafeterias to hospitals, from Charlotte to Charlottesville, from books to bread, and from morning sickness to a new member of the family. Plus every meal along the way. I thank the thousands of you who check in daily from the bottom of my heart for your support and friendship.

She returned to this at the end of her post, signing off with,

Thank you all again – you are the best!

Just a note: She got about 300 comments in the first week after she posted about her “Adaptation.”

2015: Not a damned word about her readers.

It’s been almost a week, and there are 71 comments. One of them praises her for being a survivor :

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Why is she cutting down on her posts again?

This is how she blamed her baby, er, what she said in 2013:

I find myself at a crossroads now. Mazen not only needs a lot of my attention; he deserves it. I have loved sharing the “day in the life” of a newborn these past four months, but I know as he becomes more mobile, social and interactive, I’m going to want to spend even more time with him as well as my friends and the friends Mazen will make. I also would like to pursue some other interests and projects and need a bit more time in my day to do so.

Thus, I need flexibility. And the time has come to change gears.

And this is how she blamed her toddler, er, what she said on Tuesday:

….life became so unpredictable with an infant. There were days when I literally had zero minutes in my day to even look at the computer, and I didn’t want the stress of not having a post up and you guys wondering where I was if I couldn’t fit one in.

I’m a very consistent person!

One of the key ways she’s consistent has been in refusing to take any reader feedback, especially when it has to do with her admitting that she’s not the tiniest-meal-eating, perfect-sponsor-having food blogger of her dreams:

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So, she “can think about doing a post” about her “very small,” “tiny bite”-sized snacks — which are really just “bites.” Which doesn’t even mean that she will put in the effort to think about them. But she could. If she wanted to.

What would she rather focus on? Getting money to write about free boxes of cereal and macaroni from General Mills:

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So, what should we expect from her blog in the days ahead? In 2013, she said it would be

A less frequent posting schedule, some day-in-the-life posts and topical posts….

Look. I understand that some people’s parents might pay a little extra to know that their kid is going to a college where the kid doesn’t have to do their own laundry, like Davidson, because maybe they want their kid to be taken care of in the way they’ve been accustomed to at home. Paying more for a laundry service is sort of like paying extra for your kid to get a meal plan, right? The kid could take care of it on their own, but maybe it would be an easier transition if they didn’t have to live off ramen microwaved in a closet-sized “kitchen” down the hall and they could eat a salad and have a glass of orange juice every now and then, no?

But I think you’d want to make sure that the place at least taught said kid that etymology isn’t about words just meaning what they sound like in the context of 21st-century English. To wit — topical doesn’t mean ABOUT TOPICS.

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Kathy thinks that’s what it means, though, so let’s plow ahead.

Topics, she said at the time, would include things that, yes, she’s followed through on — recipes, “selected” meal recaps, “day in the life” posts, “Products I love,” “updates” on her exercise, beer reviews, and restaurant recaps. She did, a month after her “Adaptation,” post something about “Top 10 favorite nut butters,” (which she did the month after her reboot). Her promised “series on Real Foods” ended up being posts from guest RDs who had blogs or shakily credentialed merchandise to shill. Her “Adventure recaps” with photos of her child ended up just being braggy shit about her weekend when Bath Matt was probably too hungover to pose for photos — or he forgot his fedora.

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And I don’t think she’s said shit about gardening, which she promised, other than the summer after her Adaptation, when she complained about how she “LOVE[S] fresh herbs but don’t cook with them much because they are hard to manage in the kitchen.”

MOTHERFUCKING MARJORAM!

At the time, she said this would be easy:

I don’t have a plan, but I have hundreds of ideas of posts I can write that don’t require me to document my daily life. Posts that were I not writing about daily meals and going through so many life changes these past five years, I might have written a long time ago.

It seems that the reality of turning those “hundreds of ideas of posts” into a reality got on top of her, according to Tuesday’s post:

…. to be honest, they aren’t as fun and take twice as long to prepare as writing about my daily life and meals! People used to ask me how I blogged three times a day, and I would reply that my content was auto-generated by my meals so it didn’t feel like work. I didn’t have to come up with anything to write about….

Oh, the thing you do to earn money isn’t “fun”?

Anyway, Kathy says she’s been

….craving a more casual tone of posting for a while, but you can’t really write about topics and get that same vibe. In one of my surveys, 80% of you guys asked for more informal posts, so that’s the direction I’m headed.

I want (and need) to continue to do topical posts as ideas come to me because I don’t want to put the pressure of having the whole week wide open with nothing planned [sic]. Plus some posts work better as formal topics anyways. I also want (and need) to continue to do sponsored posts, as they are what keeps this blog running.


Thus, moving forward I am hoping KERF will be a hybrid. (But don’t hold me to anything – I might change my mind!)

She finally gets around to saying she’s not going to do those awful “Lately” posts where she writes about every damned thing she’s eaten in a week, and that

Maybe I’ll even come back with 2 posts in one day at times! I know it’s taken me a while to put your requests into action, but I haven’t been ready until now.

In conclusion, Kathy says that since she wasn’t ready to be more informal until now, we should now “Expect the unexpected,” and that she might “disappear” or post late, except don’t hold her to any of that, because she’s so consistent — except when she’s not.

Wednesday’s post is about how she wants to write about some dinners she ate in the week before her post, and also how she wants to write about how she bought a new dining room table:

We’re getting a new one from Restoration Hardware – their 1900s Boulangerie Table – aka a French bakery table!!! {How appropriate!}

She took food photos for Wednesday on their kitchen-turned-porch table, saying,

….I’m not sure how I feel about food photography on it! The color is just so different. But since our new table is lighter wood as well (to fit the beach house theme) I’m excited for the new look. Things will be better when the sun is out at 6pm!

The dinners she mentioned earlier are described in a section called “Mystery Meat.” She says that she cooked 

a random…. sausage

and

tasso …. another mystery meat!

because Bath Matt

brings home meats that he trades for bread at the farmer’s market

They ate the first one with whole wheat linguine, garbanzos, kale, and frozen tomato paste and frozen chipotle peppers:

Since you usually only need a little bit of each, we always freeze the rest and just break off a chunk to add to a dish. Served with some vino, this dinner was great!

The second “mystery meat” dinner, Kathy said,

….sure took a simple vegetable soup to the next level! To our big pot we added a box of chicken broth, 2 cups of frozen peas and green beans, a few dried herbs and then the sliced tasso and let it simmer for 30 minutes or so. 

For the last dinner she felt like recapping, she mentions that she bought some more of that fresh Mona Lisa pasta they get locally. She bought a lasagne for “a new mom” and bought herself one as well, she writes:

The cheese lasagna was ready in an hour. Mazen loved it and called it “Anya” like our neighbor! We made a salad with avocado, red pepper and a homemade dressing on the side. Kombucha to drink!

She ends by wishing her husband a happy birthday in all caps. We’ll see how Kathy celebrates her husband — and, presumably, it’ll be in a way that completely complements her 26,000 Kinds of Pumpkin Beer 32nd Who Gives A Fuck About That One birthday.

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fitsmug foodsmug lifesmug recaps shillsmug

KERF Recaps: Kathy Makes Nachos That Aren’t, Gets A Free Fitness Book, and Lists Items She’s Acquired

Before we get started talking about a book Kathy got for free from a fitness blogger (Wednesday’s post), some stuff that’s not nachos but she calls it nachos (Thursday’s post), and a list of other shit she’s acquired (Friday’s post), make sure you head over to the Official 2015 GOMI Awards at the main page, if you haven’t already been voting once an hour since Friday.

While Our Heroine failed to earn a nomination in “Lifetime Failchievement” or “Most Irrelevant,” La Belle Lame Sans Onions snagged a nod in the Biggest Decline category and inspired what’s far-and-away the favorite in the Best GOMI Username category, Sarah Ate Two Tacos But I Only Ate One.

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Vote here until Thursday.

Indeed, Kathy’s been nearly breaking a sweat on Instagram angling for a win in the former category with her child-shaming selfies of late.

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The perfect flow of nutrients and cluelessness.

Wednesday’s post covers Kathy

….celebrating the release of my good friend Gina’s book: HIIT IT! (Fitnessista’s Get More From Less Workout and Diet Plan to Lose Weight and Feel Great Fast).

HIIT apparently means “high intensity interval training,” whatever that means.

Kathy says Gina Harvey is “an inspiration,” and “super cool!” and mentions, as proof, Harvey feeding her dinner and “Cookie Dough Cereal” during Kathy’s stupid trip to the fakery convention in 2013, in Tucson:

her ‘clean eats’ were more than delicious

Already out of words, Kathy deems Harvey’s book

no less inspiring …. packed with both fitness and clean eating information

Why’s that? Because Kathy can interpret it as meaning she exercises really, really hard:

The good news is that I’m pretty sure some of the classes I go to during the week classify as HIIT.

Kathy says Harvey’s book details how one can get

….a really efficient workout for less time in the gym. I am all about that! …. I probably could put a bit more oomph into my non-class gym workouts. *Raising hand for lazily reading magazines on the stairmaster – guilty as charged!* Reading her book has inspired me to make sure every workout I do is worth my time.

Yes, I’m so sure.

Anyway, Kathy recommends the book by saying there are lots of workouts and photos in it, one of which she managed to attempt during her Christmas bitchfest to the Caribbean:

When I was on my Dominican Republic trip I gave this one a try (using a pretend jump rope) and loved the bang-for-my-buck it gave me when I would rather have been at the beach! Gina gave me permission to share it with you.

Screen Shot 2015-01-12 at 2.59.30 AMKathy also approves of Harvey’s KERF-reinforcing “food part of the book”:

I found all of the information in line with what I believe …. I’m eager to try her Nana’s Frijoles in my slow cooker!

She then calls a recipe for a “breakfast cookie” (oats, nut butter, protein powder — Kathy used whole wheat pancake mix instead, milk, a mashed banana and “mix-ins” that are all sort of mashed around onto a small plate) “famous.” Twice:

I am totally embarrassed to say that I have never tried Gina’s famous breakfast cookie!! While the book is packed with new recipes, this is one that is famous from her blog. Since I love oats and breakfast, it seemed like a great dish to enjoy for today’s book tour.

“Book tour?” You’re typing some thoughts about a book you got for free that required you to break a sweat on vacation once and make a cookie when you came back and describe it in five excruciating brain-bending words:

Delicious!! So fun to eat. 

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It also serves as a useful medical test for color blindness:

Hey, wake up, princess pancake. Your readers have questions!

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Moving on, there’s Thursday’s post, about “Mediterranean Nachos.”

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First of all, they’re not nachos. Second of all, the grossest thing about whatever these are might be that she tries to blame them on Bath Matt’s mom Karen:

We were brainstorming a meal plan one morning and stumbled upon this gorgeous recipe for Mediterranean Nachos. Kristy’s version is vegan and uses tofu as feta cheese and pita as the base. Karen and I adapted the recipe into our own by using both feta and tofu (two is better than one!) and layered a bunch of Mediterranean flavors onto crunchy sea salt pita chips.

Kathy claims these would be “perfect” for the Super Bowl, because what goes better with copious American beer and cheese dip and chips than tofu tossed in “Italian seasoning,” red bell peppers, hummus, artichokes, “cucs,” vinegar, “more Italian seasoning,” and “sea salt pita chips” from Whole Foods, and spread out on a gigantic baking pan when it doesn’t even need to be baked?

After chopping some of the ingredients and cooking the tofu in a pan, Kathy writes:

Then the fun happens – spread your pita chips out on a baking sheet (or other big platter!) and spread out your hummus in dollops all around. 

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Get your own gravity-defying capers at Whole Foods.

Kathy says “the best part!” is putting feta on top of this uselessly panned, crunchy, Dead Sea assemblage:

And then, my friends, dig in!! …. Eat with fingers, but a fork is also recommended for all the bits that are bound to fall off ; )

Yeah, that sounds impossible.

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Finally, Kathy’s poor husband and mom are even enlisted to show up and support her terrible recipe within two hours of its posting:

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Friday’s post is Kathy’s first list of things she’s acquired (a.k.a. “New Finds”) for 2015.

In 2014, when she started typing regular lists of “New Finds,” she’s mentioned the following:

• Things she got for free for review: MilkMade ice cream, Talenti “ice cream,” Sun Cups candy, TastyMakes granola, Lumi juice, Bobalu nuts, Ernie’s salsa, Salt Revolution salt, the Oh She Glows cookbook (which she hasn’t made a damn recipe from since reviewing it), Wünderbars moisturizer, a Lilypad scented candle, a Scentsy light and three kinds of scented wax, Bama + Ry jewelry, Brady Band headbands, Pear Tree custom photo Christmas cards, a Quirky dock station and cord organizer, and a Samsung Galaxy S5 that she describes for 440 words before even mentioning it’s a phone.

• Things she picked out and purchased her damn self: Blue Hill butternut squash yogurt, Snowville Creamery yogurt, Stack Wines, Dawn dish soap that smells like “Mediterranean Lavender,” a seersucker drying mat, anti-aging face goop from Paula’s Choice, Lock Laces, regular shorts from Gap, more athletic shorts from Gap (in a different post), Chooka rain boots, Comcast Xfinity cable television service, a first session with Dr. Tate the incredulous chiropractor, and a second session with Dr. Tate (in another post) that she probably mentioned so she could talk about getting injured during something that sounds like diapers for female warriors “GI Jane pull-ups.”

• Things she paid for through a subscription: LAQA lip pencil and Supergoop CC cream, both of which she describes wearing without posting a photos of her wearing them, even though I’m sure she just looked GORJ in them.

• Things she doesn’t say she bought or received for free: Rocky Mountain Sriracha, Martin x Martin smoked salmon, JD’s salsa seasoning mix, Peg’s Salt, and Sundra soap.

• Things she just mentioned but hasn’t bought or received for free: A book by Rachel Hofstetter called “Cooking Up a Business,” that awful Ring My Neck jewelry, and a Nespresso coffee machine and coffee “pods” from Gourmesso, which she sounded really upset about not being given for free to review, leading one to wonder if maybe all her Kathy-focused self-care New Year’s resolutions were less about a serious disconnect from her not-mentioned husband, and more about how she’s quite possibly pissed that Bath Matt didn’t get the hint and buy her the Nespresso for Christmas.

Anyway, let’s see what products Kathy is accepting for free and never using again or buying in hopes of larger corporate sponsorships in 2015:

• Plumeria-scented “Hawaiian” shampoo and conditioner by Alba Botania,

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Alba says the line is for “for “over-processed or damaged” hair, which I guess means Kathy’s sticking to the 3-hour highlighting visits to the salon whose name she can’t spell.

Kathy includes a money-earning affiliate link but no price (each 12-ounce bottle costs about $10). She says she “came home …. with” them after her free trip to Celestial Seasonings, but doesn’t say if that means she bought them, was given them (probably, since Alba is owned by the same parent company as Celestial Seasonings), or shoplifted them from a Walmart in Boulder. Her review is, as usual, ad copy spun gold:

Gah the smell is DIVINE!!! And for a natural shampoo without synthetic fragrances, parabens, phthalates, sodium lauryl sulfate or sodium myreth sulfate, it foams really well and makes my hair look and feel great. Best shampoo I’ve tried this year!

Well, for only a week into 2015, that’s a ringing endorsement.

Kathy doesn’t seem to care that the shampoo and conditioner each contain 3 “high hazard” ingredients and a handful of “moderate hazard” ingredients (9 in the shampoo, 7 in the conditioner) as rated by the Environmental Working Group (all the same “high hazard” and “moderate hazard” ingredients listed here for the shampoo and here for the conditioner appear in the current ingredients lists).

It might look weird that she took Alba’s exact list of what they don’t include —

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— but left out the first two, except that the only time Kathy has given a public shit about animal welfare is when she tries to come off like some kind of localganic superwoman who demands “pastured pork” from barbecue joints (and then complains that a $7 sandwich “isn’t cheap”), or sniffing disdainfully at a conference’s lack of “humane protein” or at non-pasture-raised, conventional “eggs that are most likely from that other kind of chicken.”

And then there was this shitstorm of ignorance.

And then there was this shitstorm of ignorance.

Oh, and the time there were yellow jackets under her table:

She later figured out that they weren't even bees.

She later figured out that it wasn’t even a nest and they weren’t even bees.

• Oribe shampoo and conditioner she ordered from Birchbox on the recommendation of sister Larbs, even though they are “so pricey.” (She doesn’t say, but the 1.7-ounce travel size costs about $13 for the shampoo and $14 for the conditioner.) As usual, she’s great at describing why she likes them:

I just bought the travel size because this set is $$! For totally different reasons from the Alba, the smell is amazing, and my hair is transformed after using them.

• Noir “Underliner.” I can’t find why the hell she’s calling the eyeliner “underliner,” but I think she’s talking about $15 eyeliner that she got in her Birchbox subscription makeup box. Kathy says she used to think even “higher end” eyeliner was just “black chalk” but that now, eyeliner is “the one thing [she can't] leave the house without.” She includes a helpful photo of the pencil sitting in a mug.

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In the comments, she tries to explain: “It’s creamier and a darker black so it stands out more and is really easy to put on”

• Slippers by Toms. It was 4 a.m. and she was fucking around on Instagram (or, as she calls it, “up with insomnia in the middle of the night”) and saw that Emily of The Daily Garnish had purchased some $49 slippers, so SHE needed some too.

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She “didn’t remember [her] credit card number,” so she waited until she woke up to complete the purchase, by which time, they were sold out, so she had to buy the Tin Man’s Grandma version.

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She calls them the “best slippers ever,” mostly because there are no laces to come untied. Because if you can’t get up and dig out your credit card, you sure as hell don’t want to be messing around with decorative slipper laces.

I guess we should just be thankful she didn’t try to get a pair of used boy’s slippers for $10 though, right?

• A $15 book about enlisting wildebeest and otters in your own homebrew basement. “Goodnight Brew” is a book Bath Matt’s dad and stepmom sent them for Christmas, which Kathy mentions so that she can stuff another Amazon affiliate link into her post.

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I’d be much more impressed if Kathy could handle “Go The Fuck To Sleep,” but I guess we have to settle for her calling the beer book “a hoot!” and “a must buy!” instead.

• “Blog School with Rita, the Blog Genie.”

You guys. Apparently, Kathy has been signed up for “Blog School” since last year.

Rita provides “great information” on topics including

Foundations, Design, Content, Growth, Social Media, Money & Media and more.

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And it

….combines monthly lessons, detailed worksheets and an active community to help you plan, grow and profit from your blog.

….I can’t emphasize enough how much this program helped me figure out what I wanted out of KERF (and am still debating!) It really makes you think about your goals, reflections, readers and future. Rita’s writing and information is clear, and there are so many tips and links that she shares that have changed the way I blog.

Even this Bill Cosby gif knows Kathy’s need to change is understated.

I don’t know, Kathy. I don’t see any dissatisfied sideways glances or denim jackets yet. Are you really finding satisfaction?

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• The book from the blogger at “Chocolate-Covered Katie.” Kathy calls Katie her “blog friend” and “a dessert diva!”


Kathy gives away a copy of the book by recommending two recipes: one made with garbanzos, peanut butter, chocolate chips, and oats, and another based on coconut milk, vanilla extract, and peppermint extract:

I’ve made Katie’s Cookie Dough Dip – yummmm! And frosting shots made with coconut anyone!?

• Some things that she might have bought, or been given — it’s completely unclear — from some website:

Lucky Vitamin invited me to poke around on their site and share some of my favorite new finds with you guys. They are like a virtual health store and have everything from aromatherapy candles, to healthy snacks, awesome shampoo (!!), essential oils, natural toothpaste, and of course, vitamins. Anything in the health arena you might need, they will have. 

Anything? Huh.

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“More crunch.” Piss off if that’s a priority in your life.

Sorry, Lucky Vitamin. It looks like all you have is some $1 Thai Sweet Chili bar from KIND, a $1 travel-sized tube of Tom’s Simply White toothpaste, 3 ounces of kale chips for almost $8, 13 ounces of OGX acai berry and avocado shampoo for $8, a 12-ounce lavender and rosewood scented candle for $18, and a 4-ounce bottle of tea tree oil for $18. (Prices from Amazon because they’re easier to navigate and don’t bug me with pop-ups.) Too bad I’m looking for some Rogaine foam, an enema bulb, a 1 quart sharps container, dissolving tablets of codeine, and a nose hair trimmer.

• A set of 8 flash cards that retail for about $25 on “clean eats” and nutrition sent to Kathy to review by “Nourish Schools.” Kathy calls the cards

a great set of healthy eating information! Everything someone would need to know to get started cooking real food.

The cards feature how-tos, tips and information on different healthy food categories – from greens to beans to whole grains. 

Seems like the most boring goddamn thing on the list, except who the hell is Nourish Schools? Here are some things that probably seem innocuous, but raise flags as red as Kathy’s cheeks at her sister’s wedding to your humble narrator Conchshell: Their website calls them only by their first names, even though — as they note — they write under their full names for a Washington Post parenting blog, and have done so for several years.

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So, wait. Why would a pair of “certified nutrition counselors” not proudly list their credentials, yet take time to cite apparent examples of using food to fight disease — one of them told a spouse with an autoimmune disease “to embrace nutrition” and the other “changed the way she fed her family” to get rid of a child’s diseases?

This “Mighty Ducks” gif included because I love ducks and for no other reason.

There aren’t any answers on their site, but the Post calls Nourish Schools “a D.C.-based nutrition education company,” and if they’re a company, they must be making money somehow, especially since they’ve only been selling flash cards since last fall. Over the years, it looks like they’ve earned money on a lecture circuit at capital-area schools, where they talked about nutrition for kids. Their site used to advertise 8 hours of lectures on how nutrition , for $300. Here’s another typical one:

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But hold the allegedly detoxifying mung beans — why would Seidenberg and Sumner take down their last names, their “testimonials” and “facts” pages, and their “BCHC, AADP” credentials from their own sites? What do those mean? Why is it that no there’s no reference to either of them earning the first of those credentials — it stands for “Board Certified Holistic Health Counselor,” according to Sumner’s LinkedIn profile — at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (Sumner in 2008 and Seidenberg in 2009)?

And what does “AADP” mean? Well, according to its own public relations, graduates from IIN

receive a certificate in health counseling from Integrative Nutrition and are qualified for national certification from the American Association of Drugless Practitioners.

In a damning 2007 investigation by the Seattle Times (Teen’s death hastened by practitioner who had bogus diplomas,”) the AADP was described as one of the biggest

….seemingly independent health-care credentialing organizations …. [that are little more than] mail-order factories that issue professional titles and hand out accreditations to more than 100 schools ….

Its founder, Joshua Rosenthal, the Seattle Times continues,

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BUT HE BELIEVES THAT "VITAMIN L" IS LOVE!

BUT HE BELIEVES THAT “VITAMIN L” IS LOVE!

If you read any other “Healthy Living” bloggers besides Kathy, you might have heard of IIN before, because that’s who bestowed the title of “health coach” on Clare (Fitting It All In) needs to STFU and Eating Bird Food.

Nonsense like this seems like it promotes only healthy food and really turns out to be something that promotes fear of vaccines, vague toxins, and prescription drugs, but Kathy never gives a shit who she’s accepting things from. It’s laminated? It has a picture of kale on it? It’s FREE? Motherfucking sign her UP!

But say what we will about General Mills and Kathy, at least we know that the former makes its money through selling sugary shit, and at least we know that Kathy Younger went to Davidson and Winthrop to earn her undergrad degree and her registered dietician certification and that she makes her money reviewing products and contracting out her three stuffed bears on clandestine, international hit jobs.

A dramatization.

If you can’t provide that level of honesty, keep your schemes out of the public schools. They’ve got enough problems without your balderdash about mung beans and spirituality.

Speaking of honesty, okay. Here’s some honesty: Kathy is a stupid lunk.

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She shouldn’t just never casually mention obsessive-compulsive disorder again, she should stay away from any conversation about any kind of thought.

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