As usual for her Monday post, Kathy shares some brand new information that she had “such a lovely …. really, really nice” Thanksgiving — not only for all the reasons she gave thanks for on the previous Friday (chief among them ice cream and Pottery Barn) but also because
This is the only weekend of the year that we all get a few days off in a row just to hang out at home
I guess most of us can identify with that.
(and we aren’t on a vacation somewhere).
Oh, hang the fuck on. This year alone, Kathy spent
• a “party week” vacationing with her family and Bath Matt’s family in Key West in February
• a four-day family trip in March to Marco Island, Fla., for the fakery convention
• an anniversary weekend in Alexandria, Va. in June
• a July weekend in Pennsylvania at a family reunion
• one week in July on the beach in North Carolina
• another week in August on Bald Head Island, NC
• a four-day vacation to California wine country in September
• and two-day trips to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, to Miami in May, to Pennsylvania in July, and to Colorado in October, courtesy of the National Dairy Council, Nokia, Hershey, and Celestial Seasonings, respectively.
Yes, I suppose Kathy’s life is clearly lacking in time at home and time with her family, apart from her four family vacations, two couples’ vacations, four all-expenses-paid jaunts, and the 48 other weekends a year she spends with them.
Suddenly, there’s a sandwich that appears out of nowhere in the post!
Kathy informs her readers that it contained leftovers from Thanksgiving and was
pretty epic …. Toasted warm. Yum!!
Um, okay? Was there a reason she had to get all POV with the sandwich but couldn’t clean up the fakery dust or cranberry clot? There’s no time for answers, as Kathy wants to talk about a cocktail party at BFF Sarah’s house. Kathy knows she’s going out of order, but doesn’t care:
Rewinding back to just before the holiday, we went to a cocktail party at my friend Sarah’s.
With her boundaries as typically lopsided as her full-sized lentil pucks on sliced-in-half fakery rolls, Kathy shares that she and Sarah “wanted our parents to meet,” but doesn’t say why or show any photos of KERF’s parents overjoyed at getting to meet the parents of the girl their daughter wants to be (in addition to gestating an OMGsecond baby, Sarah also knows how to wrangle real live candles AND set a table so that there’s room for food) or BFFSarah’s parents thrilled to meet the parents of the girl who keeps putting their daughter and grandson on her diet blog and talking about her appetite for tacos.
Kathy and Bath Matt “were in charge of bread, alcohol and dessert,” because Sarah is smart and knows that those are the only three things the Younger-Smugsons can get excited for/have in cheap abundance.
Kathy’s narration then takes us to the Friday before the weekend, which includes the following stupid things:
• A reminder that while you were probably shopping, Kathy was “hitting the Black Friday….gym!”
• Being put out about a sick child who was allowed at the dining room table to take his cup of pink amoxicillin on Friday: “we were also dealing with double ear infections that were thankfully much, much better on Thanksgiving Day.”
• A gross salad for lunch:
I made a cranberry sauce salad dressing with olive oil, dried rosemary, and Dijon mustard. My salad also had goat cheese and honey toasted peanuts. Plus more cranberry sauce!
• A Friday evening outing with the stupidly nicknamed “Uncle Brain” to a free city tree-lighting thing to see “Matt’s BFF Jeff” (the former employee who inexplicably makes them jambalaya).
She includes a crappy, blurry photo and says,
He’s the trumpet in the middle!
No he’s not, even though I have no doubt that a brass instrument could make better jambalaya than Our Kathy.
• “Margs!!” at Kathy’s “new favorite” taco restaurant. The self-proclaimed “foodie” tells us why it’s her favorite, saying the food she ordered was “delicious!!!” and the food she ordered for her kid and ate some of herself was “quite yummy.” She also posts a photo of her toddler chewing tentatively on a chip, and calls him “The chip monster.”
• A juice-box-sized Saturday breakfast she actually made for her family and their guest: “cranberry sauce smoothies” that she “loved” and decided produced “one of the best smoothies” she’s ever had, probably because it has actual non-hidden sugar in it.
• A holiday day with a guest in which she demonstrated how much she enjoyed his company and wanted to treat him to a special vacation by “watching many hours of Survivor!!” on Saturday.
• Serving her parents leftovers from Thanksgiving. Even in the kibble-sized cubes Kathy’s deigned to put on her plate, the meat appears to have succumbed to something during what I can only speculate was a T.E. Lawrence-style crossing of the Nefud Desert since Thursday’s holiday.
• Uselessly saying “Easy does it” about having eaten eggs and toast and a clementine on Sunday.
• A feast-obliterating walk listening to “Serial,”
followed by “a family hike” where she goes all Joan Crawford-racing-her-daughter-in-the-pool on Toddler Carbz, saying he couldn’t make it through the whole 2-mile trail and “got quite tired after a while : )” but walked “a good bit,” because it’s not like a trail has ever winded Kathy before.
• A salad Bath Matt made out of goat cheese, honey peanuts, fakery croutons, and “leftover meat.”
• These two sentences:
We skipped nap in the afternoon and headed to Pippin Hill for a wine tasting and playing outside. Loooooved Jacob Allen’s old school country tunes!!
At least one commenter thinks the winery was a stupid thing too:
Tuesday’s post is supposedly about how Kathy really thinks that an “ideal” salad is all about balancing “nutrition and flavor.”
Whatever. It’s not. It’s a typical post in which going on about “nutrition,” “macronutrients,” “healthy fats,” “long-lasting complex carbohydrates,” and how she “go[es] super healthy with local greens” is used only as a carrier for sugar, resulting in candied almonds and salad dressing that she says tastes like a Creamsicle ice cream bar:
If Kathy were more transparent, she would be a Japanese skeleton flower in the rain.
In any case, sugar livens up her writing, and she giddily calls her resulting double-sugar-topped salad
this one smashing Hugh Jass salad!
Do tell us how you did it:
Though it lacks the “bonus points” of the first recipe, it’s her recipe for candied almonds that’s truly innovative, in that she introduces the one sixteenth of a teaspoon measurement — you know, for when you feel like you have to include some sort of herb or spice, but you really, really don’t want to.
As for the method, which is so important it’s included in the title, she says you don’t have to make candied almonds in the microwave, but that it’s helpful to do so when you’re “impatient.”
Kathy shares a caveat on her two ways to make salad more sugary:
I don’t believe you have to have a diet completely void of sugar to be healthy – I just think it needs to be in small doses or on special occasions.
You know, special occasions like when you’re “impatient” for candied almonds.
In the comments, Kathy leaps at the chance to be a salad snob of 30 years ago:
The result is that she has nothing to say to people like Jeanie:
Sorry, Jeanie. Next time, maybe comment about “Survivor,” so you can have a conversation as well as learn about “eBay and things.”
On Wednesday, Kathy got a day off, as her “Guest RD” series continued with an entry about getting enough protein by someone who’s not a blogger, Bryana Piazza.
Kathy introduces Piazza by saying she
loves Bryana’s devotion to plants …. [and] drooling over her stuffed mushroom recipe below!
Her devotion isn’t just to plants — Piazza actually pops up in the comments section and addresses a ton of reader questions about her guest topic, giving thorough, cheerful, non-defensive answers about protein requirements for people who are trying to lose weight, making sure one eats “complete proteins,” and what happens if you really do eat too much. Piazza’s responses are also properly punctuated, unlike this rare Kathy sighting in the post comments:
Piazza greets Kathy’s readership and explains that, while she’s been a vegetarian since 1994 and is now a vegan,
I want to start off by saying that this post is not intended to shame people into adopting a vegan lifestyle, as I believe that everyone is entitled to their own dietary preferences and personal beliefs.
Oh, good. Because your validation matters enough to fill all the If You Care-brand baking cups in the world, Piazza. I totally paused at the possibility that you might not believe in my right to freebase this Slim Jim Zesty Garlic Monster Stick.
In fact, she says, she calls her diet “plant-based” instead of “vegan,” to be an equal-opportunity shamer of both people who eat meat and the similarly disgustos who
….barely eat any plants at all. Their meals include processed and pre-packaged foods such as mock chicken, with long ingredient lists and little nutritional value. I prefer to fill my plate with fresh fruits and vegetables, nut and seeds, whole grains, and legumes.
Piazza says she tells her clients not to follow a vegan diet like her, but to “make the star of the meal the plants, not the meat.” (In this, she’s sort of like Kathy, if Kathy had clients and she nudged them towards her own way of eating by encouraging them to make sugar — preferably harvested from local wedding cake — the star of their diet.) But Piazza says the main thing people worry about is getting enough protein, which is ridiculous because firstly, she eats plenty of tofu, nuts, seeds, and lentils, and secondly, because the RDA for protein is .8 grams per kilogram of body weight —
— and thanks to this awesome graphic from PopularVegan.com, it’s obviously “relatively easy to meet your protein needs by eating plants!”
Piazza ends with a recipe that sounds and looks pretty good:
It’s portobello mushrooms stuffed with just-wilted spinach and artichoke hearts, topped with a dressing that includes yellow miso and apple cider vinegar. Unfortunately, it involves dirtying a skillet, a baking dish, and a food processor (two too many implements for impatient-for-candied-almonds Kathy), includes garlic (albeit the powdered kind) and features “a Creamy Hemp Dressing,” involving actual raw hemp seeds. Kathy can “drool” all she wants — apart from her dalliance with vanilla hemp milk and sponsor-provided hemp-containing granola when she lived in Charlotte years ago, we’re never going to see Kathy get on that superfood train any day soon, no matter how many tablespoons of maple syrup you entice her with.
Also, I doubt eating hemp would make her very popular with her new sponsors over at Newsmax, whose articles about acid reflux are basically softballs for commenters to talk about how President Obama makes them puke, and whose online store sells this sort of stuff:
Moving on, Thursday’s post is another freaking post about how to make salad dressing, and it’s almost the same exact lackluster-results recipe Kathy posted on Tuesday.
I guess it’s a new opportunity for her to talk about how much she doesn’t like using more than one dish —
• “….when I come home starving from the gym at lunchtime I try to get my salad on the table as fast as possible. This ritual has almost become a game to me to see how fast I can assemble lunch while dirtying the least number of dishes.”
• “I put my ingredients in the bottom, whisk with my fork, add the greens on top and toss as best I can without too many leaves jumping ship. It works quite well, and it has increased my salad enjoyment one serving at a time – no extra bowls or jars required!”
• “Call me lazy, but I like to think I’m efficient “
— or garlic.
• “I don’t know if they use too much onion or garlic or if it’s the preservatives that taste off to me, but many bottled dressings literally leave a bad taste in my mouth long after the salad is gone.”
• “I’ll also add that I often use garlic powder instead of raw garlic because I don’t like any meal that sticks with me all afternoon. However, I totally agree that raw garlic gives a salad dressing an extra layer of delicious! I save it for fancy dinner parties.”
Demonstrating a similar level of time commitment to both her graphics and her attempts at humor, Kathy inserts what she calls this “oh-so-beautifully-designed (=sarcasm)”
three-font graphic “formula” for creating a salad dressing.
• The “magic ratio of oil to vinegar is 3:1.”
• “oil is what brings the luxurious richness to your salad”
• To prevent “a soggy salad,” one should “use 1 tablespoon of dressing for 1.5 cups of greens.”
Having said that, Kathy’s readers encompass a group that includes someone who has so many salad dressings they go bad, someone who thinks the mere use of bottled dressing is “sad,” and someone else who thinks there’s a chance Kathy would ever try even a relatively sweet hot sauce like sriracha in her salads.
Kathy ends with her second salad dressing invention of the week, one that sounds lovingly created, one totally worthy of sharing and enriching the lives of the readers she cares so much about, one she
threw together recently to stretch for a few days in a jar
Friday’s post is the predictable list of what Kathy calls “cut back” foods, which Kathy says was super awesome because she asked herself if healthy foods were what she wanted — and the answer was yes.
Poor Grandma Buzz doesn’t even get a response back from her daughter, who is busy mangling her intros and thus, asking herself how she ate.
Was this week a little lighter after the big Thanksgiving festivities? Mine was! Squiggly line, all in …. Cravings for pie are low and cravings for kale are high. I love it when my body wants to be totally healthy!
Of course, she follows that with a photo of a breakfast she couldn’t even wait to photograph before tearing into its sweet parts like the titular chomping fish in “Piranha 3D.”
What happened to the inside of this toast, we will never know. Unless you were a fly on the wall in my kitchen and saw me eat the gooey inside before it even went in the toaster!
Breakfast of eggs, toast and fruit is my very favorite for feeling my best these days.
Then, there’s her trying to write copy for oatmeal commercials:
Of course oatmeal is …. delicious in totally different ways. Stick to your gut and warming you up ways!
No way did Bath Matt’s mom ever mix up the common expression “stick to your ribs,” which almost 1.8 million search results agree refers to a filling meal, with either the condition of sticking with one’s gut or sticking to one’s guns. The pigheaded manner in which Bath Matt insists “sticks to your gut” is a thing, however, is a fitting example of the latter expressions.
Kathy then runs out of current photos and decides to talk about how she made several meals from her leftover pancake and leftover pancake sandwich from Brookville:
leftover Big Fat Pancake from Brookville for days. Served with a green smoothie for a balancing effect ; )
This leads to a rarely seen Kathy segment I like to call Pre-Google Stoner Thoughts:
I think more pancake sandwiches need to be invented. The key is to get your pancakes firm enough that they don’t crumble apart in hand. I’m not quite sure how to do that!
Yeah, Kathy. It’s a shame no one’s figured that out, apart from The Food Network, Betty Crocker, Serious Eats, Food Republic, Nom Nom Paleo, a site that doesn’t even DO regular pancakes, Jimmy Dean, and McDonald’s for the last 11 years.
Aside from dinner leftovers, Kathy had lunch with “friends” at a restaurant:
Tamale day! I have been wanting to try these for a while, and sadly it left me a bit underwhelmed.
as well as ate a thing of $4 chili from a food truck and a “side salad,” and put croutons on that loathsome “curdled-but-still-tasted-good broccoli soup” to choke it down.
Kathy shares photos of three dinners at home — a “delicious winner” of a kale salad she got from The Daily Garnish, squash with tomato sauce
and chicken, bell pepper, cheese, and yogurt “tacos” that were “Pretty delish!”
She also had a “big night out!” by seeing a Rolling Stones cover band and having chips, “margs,” tacos and chorizo
at the taco place that just opened that Kathy keeps calling “Yearbook Taco” even though its actual (and even more irritating) name is “Yearbook Taco Bar.”
Kathy ends the week with a reminder that, not only has she been good, you’re probably not doing nearly as well, and she’ll just be bouncing out the door thinking about that:
Hope you guys are settling into the holiday season well. I’m off to the gym!