foodsmug lifesmug recaps

KERF Recaps, Day 765: Kathy drinks wine, and drinks wine, and drinks wine, and literally says “wah wah”

It feels like Kathy’s been on vacation in Sonoma for as long as she was pregnant. Yes, part of that is because I’m slacking, but I’m blaming most of it on her luxuriating in the act of grenache gestation. It seriously feels like sitting with a relative who brought a point-and-shoot on a long trip to New England to watch the leaves turn, except they got the timing wrong, so all the shots are of clusters of foliage that just look slightly sickly, and there are far too many shots of smiling directly into the camera in comfortable shorts and poorly chosen jewelry, holding a big, ugly water bottle or a kicky cocktail, with the camera strap dangling in most of the shots.

Let’s dispatch with this wine trip, shall we? When we left off, Kathy was revving up to tell us about her “biggest day.” Why’s that, Kathy? Would Madame History Major (and her sister and brother-in-law) and Sir Anthropology Major be interested in standing in awe before the rings on 2,000-year old trees at Armstrong Redwoods State Natural Reserve

or baskets and stone tools used by the Pomo and Wappo tribes at the Healdsburg Museum and Historical Society,

and marveling at how Spanish goons thought California was an island up until the mid-18th century?

Would the future beach cottage-owners like to choose from seven kinds of oysters and as many kinds of desserts at Willi’s Seafood and Raw Bar

or wander through the “enchanted garden” at the Russian River Rose Company?

How about some badass canopy ziplining 40 minutes away

or some kayaking and canoeing on the Russian River

— I mean, if you think you’re not spoiled by sack races and other elementary P.E. activities before drinking jug wine from a plastic cup at the expensive gym in Charlottesville.

Nope. It was more eating, drinking, and being sedentary in sunglasses, what we call in Los Angeles a hungover Sunday morning:

Saturday was our biggest day – we had arranged for a driver! …. We wanted one full day when we could all fully participate and plan our most exciting adventure.

Which makes me think this is Kathy’s definition of “biggest”:

After a hangover-proof breakfast of eggs, toast, and fruit, they piled into a wine tour vehicle, where their driver, Kathy raves, totally “pulled strings” to get them special tastings. In other news, Kathy, her husband, her sister, and her brother-in-law are rubes. They started at DaVero Farms and Winery,

an Italian-focused winery with roots in olive oil.

I think she means that they started out making olive oil, but switched to making wine, but who cares — Mama needs to get her mama drink on. Kathy and her entourage drove owner Ridgely Evers to drink, er, grant them a “private tasting …. in a small shed.” He imparted upon them secrets such as how he makes Italian wine there because of “latitude.”

Kathy says everyone liked the Dolcetto and the “nibbles,” including “dehydrated Asian pears” that were grown on-site.

Their second stop was Montemaggiore, where Kathy uses the word “biodynamic” without explaining what it means (organic, but better) because, let’s face it, she has no freaking idea.

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 11.30.54 PM

Again, the owner allowed them to barge into his house, even though he had no idea they’d want to gawk out his windows and get naked:

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 12.49.29 AM
Nice posture, “former dancer” Kathy. 

It’s too bad we didn’t bring our suits : ) And check out the view!

Kathy bought a bottle of the Syrah after giving it a highly intelligent rating, saying it

knocked our socks off!

Two wineries in, their driver decided it was snack time for Four Go Dull in Sonoma, and fed them their

snacks and fresh figs and olives from his property …. [and] a platter of sandwiches from Oakville Grocery along with a quinoa salad that I loved.

The woozy couples stumbled off to Rochioli Vineyards and Winery, where Kathy’s only comprehensible note was,

(loved the rose and pinot!)

and to Thomas George Estates, whose wines were “perfect,” and finally to Moshin Vineyards, which Kathy declared was “good but not amazing.”

Dropped off before dark by a most likely weary and thankful driver, they walked (thank goodness) to HopMonk Tavern to eat sandwiches, mussels, and fries.

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 1.00.31 AM

There, Kathy decided she

had slowed down on my sipping towards the end of our day, so I was ready for my finale – a juicy Syrah from Cline Cellars. Perfection!

The wine, however, didn’t soothe her pain at having busted her lens in a totally-not-wine-related incident earlier in the trip:

{Here is where I say: wah wah I miss my camera!!!}

All the lights and DSLRs in the world can't make your food look as good as a burger and fries on a cell phone camera, my dear.
All the lights and DSLRs in the world can’t make your food look as good as a burger and fries on a cell phone camera, my dear.

After slumping home to sleep off a day of drinking, the final chapter of Kathy’s Wine Trip is the fourth, giving her the chance to make the shittiest Roman numeral joke ever:

IV of water definitely necessary! Ha! Our final day in wine country was bittersweet. We were all starting to feel quite overindulgent, but we wanted to live up our final hours!

What this should mean:

What this actually means is that they had a “low-key” breakfast (read: exactly the same, but with nouveau hangover remedying coconut water), and, besides, there had been plenty of virtue-proofing activity to counteract any overindulgence. At least, I think that’s what Kathy means by this out-of-nowhere sentence:

Also 2 of the 4 mornings we went out running, which was a nice refresher!

Anyway, without further transition, Kathy mentions a friend she mentioned like, three times in Charlottesville, Genevieve (they went to hot yoga, and they went for a walk, and they went to a beer place and Kathy droned on about the similarities between hops and hibiscus). Genevieve’s dude hooked them up with a highly sought-after tour of one of the rarefied wineries of the exclusive Gallo Family.

We were greeted by a glass of chardonnay to sip under a beautiful arbor. We then tasted the flight, impressed more and more by each bottle. We snacked on truffle popcorn and local olive oil in between sips

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 1.33.52 AM Then, a PR lady gave them a free bottle of a blend of jammy jam-like jamwine. Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 12.23.34 AM

I think we should save it for our 8th wedding anniversary, don’t you?

No, Kathy. Here’s what I think you should do with it: drink it without ceremony. It’s free wine a flack gave you. If you feel it’s appropriate to celebrate your marriage with the alcohol equivalent of the squishy stress ball from Northrop Grumman, maybe start on the asset division list already.

Whatever. They had a tour.

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 1.35.38 AM

Luckily they only lost one barrel in last month’s earthquake!

And that’ll do with mentions of that, won’t it, Kathy? Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 12.58.30 AM Leaving whatevs-earthquakezone, the group bought “picnic ingredients” and went to the winery that made Kathy’s dinner wine the night before.

It ended up being really hot, crowded, and buggy at Cline so we didn’t have the best experience. But the cheese was good!

No shit? It was warm and there were bugs and people during a summer holiday weekend in the California countryside? How totally unexfuckingpected.

They dejectedly slumped away to Bodega Shipping Company to mail themselves their wine and beer at $70 per 12-pack before facing the toughest decision of their lives:

We had to pick one final vineyard as our last of the trip. There were so many more we never made it to! Must. Go. Back.

They decided to go to Gundlach Bundschu Winery and Vineyards, which Kathy again had complaints about:

Yummy, but the crowds had picked up a lot in the thick of the holiday weekend, so we were in and out quickly.

Luckily, Kathy’s spirits were revived by a visit to Envolve with

Kate, a blog reader/Instagram follower who happened to be in wine country the same time that we were. We met up for a drink before our groups went to dinner later that night. Blends!

Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 1.36.58 AM Finally, Kathy’s Krowd (by which I mean Kathy, Bath Matt, her sunlit boob, and his slacks wrinkles) posed on a sidewalk next to a postal blue box Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 1.37.43 AM and headed to Portuguese restaurant La Salette, where Kathy ate a $25  fish stew, $12 cod cakes, a $25

appetizer plate – a mix of tastes including goat cheese, fig bread, sausage, beans and almonds

and some special complaintreats that sound like they were made out of random ingredients that would have been chucked at the end of the night anyway:

pineapple balls (a dessert surprise for having to wait for our reservation table a bit!) …. [and] tomato water (another surprise!)

After checking out, they ate a final meal at Sunflower Caffé Espresso & Wine, which Kathy calls “Café Sunflower” because she is at honeybadger levels of not caring at this point.

Our final morning, before departing for the airport, we ate at Café Sunflower on the Sonoma Square. I highly recommend it!!

They ate waffles and eggs and tea, and I’m sure they didn’t at all partake of anything else. Screen Shot 2014-09-11 at 12.56.59 AM Kathy ends in classic Davidson English 101 style by not being able to come up with words unless they’re to describe how lame it is that raising her 2-year-old is going to keep her away from visiting California wine country every two years:

We had a great, great time and can’t wait to plan our next adventure…even if it is many years away!

Fucking finally. It’s over. Take it away, Buster: