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KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 281-283

Kathy’s vacation recap continued Wednesday with a rundown of the coconuts she encountered and Coors (well, Third Shift) she “sipped” in Key West.

First, there was the coconut photographed, which she appears to be very proud of

perhaps because she was floating on a breakfast of mojit-oats.

Boy oh boy did we eat well in Key West! I think I had mojitos for breakfast, lunch and dinner : ) And ice cream every night!

The second coconut would have actually been less confusing had Kathy not included a caption. How does one get confused by a coconut, you ask?

The above coconut was drilled fresh through – you can’t get more pure coconut water!

“Drilled fresh through”? Does she mean the coconut was drilled freshly, and, if so, what the fuck does that mean? Does she mean the guy drilled through both sides of the coconut like a dummy (unlikely)? Why does “drilled” go with “fresh,” and what the hell is “through” even doing in that sentence?

Kathy, this sentence about a coconut might be your dumbest recipe yet and I can’t believe I’ve spent a minute thinking about it.

Kathy’s Key West Konfusion doesn’t end there:

• The weather was difficult to describe:

It was perfect on our first day – a really hot one!

• She feels compelled to near-apologize for getting “delish” take-out sushi the first night:

we didn’t have groceries and needed to get Mazen to bed

and gets flummoxed trying to answer a reader asking for a healthy sushi recommendation:

Kathy didn’t appear to do a lot of cooking while on vacation, thanks to a combination of restaurants and her family cooking meals like proper adults: a Rachel Ray fish chowder recipe that Karen brought, two meals her sister and her husband made and Kathy couldn’t resist snarking on:

Mexican Shrimp Bowls with sweet potato, guac, cheese and more

and

shrimp burgers, although they didn’t stay together very well. I had mine on the side of a big salad that I made.

• “Killer toast” and fruit her dad bought:

mangoes, oranges and avocados – that were really fun to have.

• “Juicy shrimp” at a restaurant with

plenty of Jerk seafood to eat.

• Sandwiches at a café:

Karen and I split the croissant turkey and pesto and Matt had an Italian on ciabatta.

Like, this one?

• Cuban cuisine at a restaurant, which imparted the secrets of the tostonera and the mystical meaning of the guayabera shirt to Kathy’s tongue:

the food tasted like it was totally authentic …. blacked [sic] grouper

with rice, plantains and black beans! Matt and Karen had classic pork and beef dishes. Yum!

Yes, the food was so good that by dessert, it had convinced Kathy of its legitimate Cuban nature.

• More Cuban food that Miss Cuba totally knew was for real:

more Cuban bread – these classic sandwiches Karen got from a nearby café. Served with salad and plantain chips.

• With all the doing nothing and eating stuff other people made, Kathy clearly needed some rest time, so she and Bath Matt

slipped away for a lunch out during naptime

(which sounds…. dangerous) to “sip” beers, eat salads, and nachos.

• Crepes at a restaurant where Kathy pictured the exact moment where Bath Matt knew his life needed re-evaluating

“….And I told him, sure, you could use a HeliCoil if the thread’s stripped out terrible and you’re not planning on the repair lasting 30 years.”

• $5 pizza and two-for-one sweaty glasses of white wine at a place

above a neat restaurant called nine one five that I wish I had gotten to enjoy!

Since she doesn’t explain why she didn’t get to go to ninety six rock real alternative restaurant, I’m going to pretend it’s because she brought the bears and tried to sneak them in wearing sunglasses.

“Oh! Yes! Er, Geraldine Bocker, party of two!”

•  Donuts

From top left clockwise: Key Lime Pie, Apple Fritter, Creamsicle, Vanilla Cake Bacon Bourbon and Pistachio Lime. YUM!

Uh? A commenter points out that Kathy probably means counter-clockwise, and Kathy attempts to describe in two separate responses:

36 KathEats February 19, 2014 at 12:23 pm
I meant clockwise, but then I jumped to the second row!

….

Ha – so I went back to review. I did go clockwise but then I jumped to the second row. Let me go change the order.

• A prickly pear mojito, salad with fried fish on top, conch fritters (hey!) and mango beer at another restaurant Karen took them to

while my parents babysat during a naptime

Buena Vista Social Smug

• More wine on a porch, and a “green juice” from another place, and

On our final night we young people went appetizer hopping.

Once Kathy returned to Charlottesville, she re-dedicated herself to important priorities like bragging about how healthy, petite, and adjacent to cookies she is, via Instagram: 

Her caption: “The best bread ever: gooey Raspberry Cobbler Swirl!!!!”

On Thursday, AT&T paid Kathy to give away a $150 giftcard, a package of Olympic swag, and a $400 Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 (which sounds like a very ambitious soda) and to upload a gif of her cheering “U-S-A!” on a site that triggers other people yelling the same thing as your mouse moves over a bunch of tiles.

She says her dumb upload (she tried to do one with Toddler Carbz, but “he doesn’t know the words yet”) will apparently

support Team USA. The athletes’ determination, perseverance, and grit inspire us, and we owe it to them to send some digital love from the other side of the world!

She also had to write a post detailing how she finds motivation during her own workouts. Even though she is

no where near Olympic status on anything (even oatmeal making ; )

the post is somehow related to the Olympics and Kathy digging deep into her own resolve to watch

more hours than I can count watching Curling while in Key West.

She says that she has been able to motivate herself by

• remembering things past athletic instructors have used as encouragement: “You can rest, but don’t stop moving,” and “this is when the magic happens” and “because you can.” That last one, in a cycling class, gave Kathy

a little gratitude that I had legs that worked – and worked well

• Thinking of the gym as an “Indoor Playground.”

• Tuning out:

So when you’re deep into a set of 15 and it starts to burn at rep 8, think about what outfit you’re going to wear later on or what you’ll be having for lunch and just keep moving!

Kathy ends the week with a post about more shit she’s bought/been comped recently and her complaints about said items:

• Chocolate not-tea she was given for free by some company:

It’s actually really delicious!! I like it after dinner with a few pinches of sugar and a splash of milk. It’s not too watery (my biggest complaint of other choco-teas) at all. I wouldn’t call it full-bodied, but it’s really satisfying. I’ve been using a loose leaf tea strainer to brew it.

• Organic beer a sponsor gave her from his cousin’s brewery in California. She liked the porter:

It has a touch of black licorice root that really gave it a fun twist.

Way to basically crib from the beer place’s website, Kathy.

• An $18 lip gloss she bought because it “tingles” and a “gentleman” at Fashion Square Mall recommended the color. Kathy takes this opportunity to remind us that she has exceedingly high standards for lip gloss, and usually gets her hair stuck in it and then gets it all over her child because it’s “way too tacky.” Yes, tacky. There’s a word one could never call Kathy:

Holla at BareMinerals for their amazing Moxie lip gloss!

• A white lidded container for salt. She got it at Target.

Previously our salt was in an ancient little bowl-thingy with a flip-top lid that Matt loves because Alton Brown uses one. Sure, it worked well, but it was so clunky …. I came home with this salt box and Matt rolled his eyes, but I love how cute it is!!! It’s much prettier on our countertops and retrieving some kosher salt from the box is easier to me than the big metal guy from before.

and a beige tray to put a candle on. She just

hadtohave

the tray. It’s by Threshold, a Target store brand that she’s apparently bought three generic kitchen canisters from.

In addition to the Target itself being “a bit of a haul to get to” (seriously, Target — what were you thinking not placing your store in a place that was convenient to Kathy’s preferred routes about town?),

My only complaint is that everything is spread out by department so you really have to dig to find the pockets of goodies in the store! I wish there was a complete Threshold store – or at least a big corner of Target dedicated to a display.

Yeah, it’s too bad there are no retailers of quirky housewares in Charlottesville itself that one could locate at any hour online, except for Low, CircaAlden’s Antiques, Saint Peter’s Attic Consignments, Sandy Muraca’s 2nd Street Market, Forsythia Hill, and so on, and so on.

She ends with another giveaway, this time for a $100 gift card from the company who gave her the $108 swimsuit and some workout clothing (a $42 tank top, a $38 long-sleeved shirt, a $68 pair of yoga pants with a ruffly, striped cummerbund, and a $98 zip-up jacket with ruffles on the zipper). She called the stuff “super soft and well cut,” even though it was “true to size,” meaning

Everything I ordered based on measurements was a medium and I usually wear smalls in stores.

“And the best part – the ruffles!” 

 Instagram has also showed us this week that, in addition to not being able to dress herself without the help of Stitchfix (a company that sends you clothing based on your answers to a 30-minute quiz)

she can’t really feed herself on her own either:

The breakthrough with the salad dressing resulted in this Instagram video, where an off-screen Kathy says in a strangely mocking voice, with long pauses in between thoughts, during which you can hear Bath Matt stabbing his own leaves in the background: “You like…. salad, I see. Good! That’s what mommy and daddy are eating too. You have molars now, so you can chew leaves, like—” 

Like what? We never get to find out, because Kathy is off to New Orleans, heeding the Pavlovian bell of that national dairy lobbying group that had to retract its claims that eating dairy would make you lose weight. And what a light-traveling, generous, seat-giving-up traveler she is:

Kathy, you found yourself sitting next to a toddler and were like hell no, where’s this kid’s mom so I can switch seats? And you have a tablet and a bluetooth keyboard for it, so stop making it sound like you figured out how to do all your comment-moderation from your phone. Even if you had, um, bravo?

Enjoy the artichoke parmesan soup and free yogurt or whatever in New Orleans.


239 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 281-283



  1. avatar spooky says:

    “Everything I ordered based on measurements was a medium and I usually wear smalls in stores.”

    1081.gif

    This bitch, srsly. If it fits, who cares what the size it is? The numbers on labels these days are all vanity sizes, anyway.

    And again, I am curious to know what is up with the hundreds of comments on the giveaway posts lately. That is unusual!

    • avatar Jaxson says:

      And none of the items are shorts, so her short sizing is of not relevance.

      The only requirement for the giveaway was to leave a comment. Pageview$.

    • avatar Bluebird says:

      Do sausage casings come in different sizes? Because all I see is someone who wears clothing that is too small and tight, and very unflattering.

      • avatar katzenfrau says:

        Yeah, I was thinking she looks oddly normal in the workout clothes because THEY ACTUALLY FIT.

        • avatar Atop says:

          For serious, she looks like she dropped several pounds in those pictures compared to how she looks in any other workout clothes. Who cares what size they are, Kerfy? No one would even know if you didn’t blather it all over the internet!

          • avatar Judy McCunterson's Armpit Biscuit says:

            But– but– but– what’s the point of having a healthy living blog if you can’t brag about how teeny tiny you are?

        • avatar Hip Hoppopotomus says:

          Your clothes may be small, Kath, but your head looks ginormous. bighead.gif

    • avatar berfbarf says:

      Yes. I spent all day long explaining this to my 12-year-old girl kitten, who desperately needed new jeans. Different manufacturers size things differently, that is why you may need a 6 somewhere and a 4 somewhere else and even an 8 somewhere else. It doesn’t mean you’re fat or anything.

      It was fucking exhausting. I guess Buzz never got that through KERF’s thick skull.

      • avatar margarita says:

        Like she even tried. Buzz sounds like the kind of parent who would cater to that kind of nonsense and drive the kid all over town to find the perfect item of clothing, so that she could cram her medium sized body into a size 2, or whatever. So stupid.

        • avatar katzenfrau says:

          Oh no! Poor 12 year old berfbarf jr. I remember those days…

          Can I just say that vanity sizing in the US is OUT OF CONTROL? Dude, I am almost 5’10″ and nowhere near underweight and I take a size 2 in dresses, shirts and skirts at Banana Republic (the jeans don’t fit though). That shit means nothing and I hate that we’re all supposed to be wasting our brain space having feelings about the number on our clothing tags. Jesus.

          • avatar Atop says:

            Yes, it is out of control. I am a fairly small person, and I can’t really understand where some of the other girls I see around my campus are shopping. The undergrads who are actually legit SKINNY must be getting everything from Abercrombie Kids.

          • avatar berfbarf says:

            YES. Ann Taylor and Talbots are the WORST about it, I think. I too am a fairly small and short person, but when 2s are too big for me, then maybe manufacturers need to rethink their sizing.

          • avatar The Old Bailey says:

            Men’s clothing does it now too (maybe they always did, who knows). One time huscat measured the waist of his jeans, which are sized BY THE WAIST MEASUREMENT, and they were a full 2″ larger than the stated size!

          • avatar lois says:

            it really pisses me off. i don’t care if i’m a size 2 or a size 14. i just want to be the same size every time i go to the store (unless, of course, my body is actually a different size). i get so annoyed when i go to a store i haven’t been to in a while and although i am the same size, suddenly i need a small instead of a large. it doesn’t make me feel good and skinny. it makes me feel pissed off that they have to complicate clothes shopping so people like kerf can feel dainty.

          • avatar Bowl of Savor says:

            It is so ridiculous. I’m also around 5’10″ and mostly I take an effing size FOUR. I’m the same size I was 15 years ago in HS (yeah, I actually keep an old pair of jeans handy to see if they still fit…), and I generally wore a 10 then, sometimes an 8. I haven’t suddenly started liking my clothes two or three sizes too small, so…yeah. Vanity sizing. I really don’t understand where genuinely small people are even able to shop!

          • avatar Onion Facts (FKA Chewy Disordered Nonsense Graph Eating) says:

            Do you remember the scene in “The Office” where Angela talks about wearing the lifesize American Girl Doll clothes?

            63a0662ca07fc790f3bfa1f64406a8cd.jpg

          • avatar Judy McCunterson's Armpit Biscuit says:

            Kerfy’s totally an Angela. Without the sex life, that is.

      • avatar nomnomnom says:

        Probabley not. Sizing is ridiculous now .I have the same type of jeans, and i needed to get a new pair..and i had to get a size smaller, even though the size bigger i had at home fit too.

    • avatar Pricklypete says:

      I left a comment. I would love a ham lady to win.

  2. avatar Louis Pasteur's Dead Chicken Flock (formerly Teddy Bear Brains/Black Honey of the Shadowy Clinique) says:

    That can’t be the same sailor suit from last spring, can it? Surely Carbz grows, right?

    Or did Kathy think it was just so cute she bought it in two sizes?

    • avatar Kathater says:

      I was too caught up in trying to figure out how Kathy could handle Carbz eating a meal in a white outfit while out in public. How did the OCD queen handle food stains on a toddler wearing a white outfit??

      • avatar Flavor Wrestlemania says:

        I was thinking the same thing, Kathater!! Was it just posed for a photo op and then he was swiftly reunited with his tiny food camelback that she pre-filled with “smoothie’? Maybe the stiff plastic pocket-bib wouldn’t fit in their luggage and etsy had every other bib ever on backorder.

  3. avatar scuffinmarks says:

    Ugh WHY does she CONSTANTLY have to tell us she is a size small. I can tell by looking at her, even in pictures which are probably Lightroomeed to death, that she ain’t.

    Also, it is so, so sad that 1) she watched countless hours of curling while in KEY WEST and 2) she didn’t have the foresight to NOT tell us that. Thanks for wasting your Key West vacation that none of us have time/money to even take.

    • avatar katzenfrau says:

      I rolled my eyes at the “hours of curling” in KW too. WTF. “Achievement unlocked : left the house” is so right.

      • avatar Louis Pasteur's Dead Chicken Flock (formerly Teddy Bear Brains/Black Honey of the Shadowy Clinique) says:

        She should try the curling workout as posted on Vulture this week. If she was shocked at how hard Erin got her to exercise before…

      • avatar SO drunk says:

        I laughed so hard at “ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED” too. Well done, conch, well done.

    • avatar I think so, Yes says:

      I think she just said she watched hours of curling to make her promotion seem relevant to her.

      • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

        I agree. Who would be showing HOURS of curling anyway? ESPN 8 “The Ocho”?
        She was just trying to spit out a paid post as quickly as she could.

    • avatar nomnomnom says:

      She really really does say it constantly. she said it to a person in the comments, and then she humble bragged about it in the post. Even if your entire body was a “small”, your giant bazoomas are not. Just buy an fucking medium already and be proud. YOU ARE BUYING THEM ANYWAYS. This is the second thing she’s bought as a medium and then made it a point to say she is “usually a small”. BUT YOU BOUGHT A MEDIUM AND IT FITS. THEREFORE YOU ARE A MEDIUM. WHO THE SHIT CARES EXCEPT YOU

  4. avatar bucky says:

    I’m up at 7am to watch the hockey game, and it could be lack of sleep, but that gif of Seth and Kirsten has me mesmerized.

  5. avatar this one goes to 11... says:

    It’s a haul go to Target!?!? Seriously, the Target is about a 12-15 minute drive from her house. Really not a big deal for most normal people!

    • avatar berfbarf says:

      I happily drive to a different city at least once a week to go to Target. I will do pretty much ANYTHING to avoid Wal-Mart, which is the only place my city has.

      • avatar Flavor Wrestlemania says:

        Seconded! My town has the tiniest, most outdated Target I’ve ever seen; so I drive an hour to a different city to go to a real Target! I guess I should really focus on all the things I can do with my life since I don’t have an inconvenient baby.

    • avatar Pineapple head says:

      Well that’s a long time to be alone with inconvenient baby. I bet she’s “joked” to the cashier that Target should have a child care drop off.

    • avatar margarita says:

      I had to look on a map of Charlottesville and it appears that Target is approximately 8 miles from various downtown venues that Kath has said are within walking distance to her house. So, yeah, 10, 12, 15 minutes, not exactly like circumnavigating the globe.

      • avatar The McFeely Rainbow Experiment says:

        Kerf is the type of person who makes a point to house-hunt in an area far, far away from those evil box stores, and then bitches when she has to schlep to one.

      • avatar Bleak Harvest says:

        In fairness, those 8 miles are riddled with traffic lights. People in Cville complain about the traffic on that road (Rt 29) all the time, but it really isn’t that bad. I would say that it is probably about a 20 minute drive, longer in traffic. Still, not a big deal. I would drive the reverse of that every day to go to work.

        • avatar swimminginvinegar says:

          There’s the thing. She has no idea that other people commute, have real bosses, would kill to spend all day with their toddler in classes and at the library. For her, the act of schlepping to Target is just the biggest issue in her day.
          I would love to hear the vacuous conversations she and her sister get in to. No work, no responsibilities. Does KERF just complain about Mazen and her sister complain about boredom of her own creating?

        • avatar Bluebird says:

          I live near Kerf and the drive to Target is so miserable that I only make it a few times a year. So as much as I despise her lazy ass, I agree with her that it’s a major schlep from this side of town. For me it’s a good 50 minutes of driving round trip, complete with endless traffic lights and other drivers who don’t appear to have any sense of urgency or anywhere they need to be.

  6. avatar BeanyMalone says:

    The fact that she thought anyone would be interested in their salt box situation. Her life is so empty, she has nothing to do but buy things. And she buys the dumbest things ever. Maybe I’m just one of the poors, but I keep salt in the container it comes in. Has a handy pouring spout and everything.

    • avatar sponsoredcontent says:

      Also, I’m no Matth fan, but she really couldn’t just let him have the salt container of his choice? She micromanages everything in that house! Does she really sit around thinking of things her husband likes until she just can’t stand them anymore and has to change them in a huge huff?

      • avatar Basement room with a brew says:

        Especially since he does all of the cooking!

      • avatar margarita says:

        I wondered that, too. Since he apparently does most of the cooking, even after working all day while she sits around the house, can’t he choose the kitchen implements? I do like that image of Kath obsessing about the fact that Matt likes a certain container, until she finally blows a gasket and replaces it with something “cute”. Ha!

      • avatar Atop says:

        I know! I was so pleased to hear that he is sick of her dragging home a bunch of useless crap for their weird icy house. I hope that he rolls his eyes at her all of the time. She needs it.

        If my fiance was like, “I love this particular mixing bowl because it’s the one that my favorite TV chef uses!”, I’d be like, awww, how cute. I wouldn’t fricking go out and replace it like a cold bitchface.

        • avatar Gretchen28 says:

          Agreed. I would think it was adorable if my husband felt that way and I’d never dream of replacing it.

          • avatar The McFeely Rainbow Experiment says:

            Also, I’d probably not dream of replacing a perfectly functional (and apparently not cheap) salt container. Who does this? (Wait, wait, I know the answer…)

        • avatar Flavor Wrestlemania says:

          Not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed that the keg-shaking douche is such a fan of Alton Brown. Nothing could ever dampen my love for AB; but I don’t like having anything in common with Matth.

      • avatar longtime reader says:

        This it’s probably why matth and kathy get along, he lets her walk on him. There is some speculation here in town that she is his beard.

        • avatar Whatthewhaaa says:

          Oh boy…speculation that she is his beard? Spill the details (popping popcorn)…

        • avatar Anonymous says:

          Crosby, is that you?

          • avatar Judy McCunterson's Armpit Biscuit says:

            I’m waiting for a “low T” reference any minute now.

          • avatar vapid and tragic and weird says:

            While I love the idea of little knots of people “here in town” speculating about the gender roles within the Smugger-Youngson marriage, I have a sneaking suspicion that “here in town” = the inside of longtime reader’s head.

          • avatar The Old Bailey says:

            Yeah, the couple people I know who live in Cville have no idea who she is.

          • avatar The Old Bailey says:

            And they’ve lived there for years, one is in the JL, long family history in the area etc.

          • avatar Crosby, Stills, Nash & Younger-Smugson says:

            Oh wow, great, I have fanz here now. :) I don’t see what Matt’s Low T has to do with his sexual preference. And I don’t know if Matt has Low T in the medical sense and am merely using the phrase as a shorthand for how he acts. Not just online but IRL– he doesn’t make eye contact, he’s shifty, and he mumbles. He talks as if he has marbles in his mouth.

        • avatar spooky says:

          I find that questionable, to be honest. I do not get the gay vibe from Door Matt AT ALL. (The 300 sandwiches guy, on the other hand…)

          • avatar The McFeely Rainbow Experiment says:

            Yeah, I can’t say that I get that from Matth either. However, I think that the fakery is his “beard” in that it was purchased to hide the fact that he’s just a guy who wanted to bake bread. I always wondered if just being a bakery employee wasn’t going to cut it in that family, so they made him an “owner” to dignify it.

          • avatar Louis Pasteur's Dead Chicken Flock (formerly Teddy Bear Brains/Black Honey of the Shadowy Clinique) says:

            I don’t even think it was to disguise the fact that he wanted to bake bread–because culinary school or taking off for Amsterdam to smoke pot, ride bikes, and learn how to bake would be just as useful (and probably cost Karen less.) It was to disguise the fact that he had no career hopes AT ALL.

          • avatar spooky says:

            I actually think it’s fine that he runs a fakery, and even if he didn’t, if baking is something he enjoys, good for him. The thing that gets me, though, is that there doesn’t appear to be a whole lot of talent applied to what he does.

            Example:
            1653627_753880767958375_1442282000_n.jpg

            These are supposedly king cakes. They look sad and unappealing to me.

            And then there’s this:
            993348_649209395092180_1233617078_n.jpg

            It looks like something Jaws has attacked!

            And let’s never forget the jizz scuffins:
            1555584_729635590382893_1008874109_n.jpg

            I don’t know… Maybe the above all taste so incredibly good/sugary that the looks can be forgiven. All I know is when I buy from a bakery, I’m choosing shit that LOOKS good as well as TASTES good.

          • avatar berfbarf says:

            ^^^Yeah…no. We have an exceptional local bakery in our town. They make King Cakes that are shipped EVERYWHERE. Their stuff not only tastes great, but looks amazing. I would not buy a damn thing from Matth’s store if it looked like that. That is not a fucking King Cake, for fuck’s sake.

          • avatar margarita says:

            I agree with Louis Pateur Etc. – Matt does not seem to have some deep desire to bake bread. More like, he has a deep desire not to have to work for somebody else.

          • avatar Chicken Milk says:

            That’s one of Matt’s King Cakes? Before I read the text, I thought someone posted something a kindergartner decorated as a joke. Good gravy.

          • avatar Anonymous says:

            Those king cakes look like the salted dough ornaments elementary schoolers make. The ones that, despite being made from dough, are inedible. Bust a tooth out of your mouth trying to bite one kind of inedible.

          • avatar Bluebird says:

            For someone who has been baking for years he’s pretty inept. He can’t keep a filling in a bread to save his life, his crusts are crumbly and look dry, and all of the bread is undercooked. I think he may enjoy baking but he’s not good at it.

    • avatar Shazaam Carefully Measures her Garnish. says:

      We keep the kosher salt in the kosher salt container it comes in I don’t want to wash my hands just to get some salt out with my fingers. SSSFSonotarealfoodie

  7. avatar versatile protein says:

    I just wish she would post twenty more selfies in that fugly bathing suit. I can’t get enough.

    • avatar margarita says:

      I just noticed that the lens of her sunglasses looked deformed, like she messed up their shape while she was making her face look thinner. LOL

    • avatar The McFeely Rainbow Experiment says:

      I think it’s funny that she couldn’t even take one with the shorts not covering up the suit. Wouldn’t a potential buyer want to know what the bottom half of the suit looked like? It just seems weird to pose and pose and pose in those shorts.

  8. avatar what_is_written says:

    I’m glad you included the instagram photos, Conch. That is where SO much of the wtfuckery happens.

    • avatar jmh says:

      Yes! Glad her IG was woven into Conch’s copy! It is just SO smug. I gave my seat away to another mom because did you know I’m also an OMGmom? I packed light because I’m on a trip and have an amazing cellphone and my inconvenient baby is not with me. And that salad video especially. Look at my child eating a lettuce leaf. He is such a healthy foodie! There is nothing cute or funny or endearing about that video. She just wants to brag because her child gummed a lettuce leaf.

  9. avatar bronzer_as_blush says:

    It’s been a long time, but I couldn’t resist:

    pxy9AAU

  10. avatar katzenfrau says:

    Wow you guys. This was a lot of sad, wasted-opportunity, too-dumb-to-even-notice-smug to take in at once. Appetizer hopping might be the worst combination of words I’ve read all day. Am I the only one who finds that phrase unbearably douchey? Appetizer hopping isn’t a real thing, right? I’m trying to imagine the conversation where you ask someone what they did last night and they go “ooh we went APPETIZER HOPPING teehee!”

    tumblr_mowk0ody3c1ql5yr7o1_400.gif

    Also: Kath should never, ever get dressed without the help of Stitchfix.

    As for the salt container whatever it was Target purchase thingy…I’m so traumatized by the thought that someone actually blogged about this that I need to start drinking now.

    • avatar margarita says:

      Appetizer hopping = going from place to place, ordering one plate at each restaurant, in order to maximize the opportunities to stiff numerous servers of decent tips, while also increasing the use of dishes and glassware, while also wasting table space.

      • avatar katzenfrau says:

        THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.

      • avatar VomCity says:

        Seriously. Appetizer hopping. You went on a bar crawl; own it.

      • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

        I would think this would actually turn out to be MORE expensive then just eating a full meal at one restaurant, no? But maybe that’s just because I tip like a normal person and would probably overtip if I had just ordered an appetizer. You know Kath has no problem leaving an 0.85 tip.

        • avatar margarita says:

          Yeah, for regular people. If you are a group of four incredibly cheap people who go to several different restaurants and, at each stop, order one appetizer plate and a couple of glasses of wine to share, then not so much.

          • avatar katzenfrau says:

            You know this is exactly what they did.

          • avatar versatile protein says:

            “Let’s see, the appetizer was $12, and two glasses of wine, that’s $14, don’t include the tax, so that makes the tip exactly $3.90, add the tax back in, that’s $32.50 total, divide that four ways, we each put in $8.12 and two people have to chip in an extra penny. I paid the extra penny last time. Does anybody have change for a twenty?”

          • avatar Crosby, Stills, Nash & Younger-Smugson says:

            Imagine if the restaurant was pretty full and people were forced to wait for that “appetizer crawl” fuckery. Or, worse, if other potential customers left rather than wait. This Younger-type stuff should only be allowed during late-lunch hours on a weekday, not at dinner time.

            If you look on the Yelp for my cousins’ bar/restaurant, you’ll see people like the Youngers complaining that the outside roof top seating is reserved at dinner time for people ordering entrees. Some people are so stupid, they don’t understand how the restaurant business works. Not every restaurant “owner” relies on a Bank of Buzz situation for their income and most of them would not be happy to make anything less than big bucks. Know why? Bc they paid a ton of money for the location, the equipment, etc. And it’s a business to them, not a game.

  11. avatar vapid and tragic and weird says:

    How long were they in Key West? That’s so many different meals out at restaurants, it makes my head spin. Also, I’m a donut person, but Bourbon Bacon? That’s unnecessary. Leave it to Kath’s whole clan to be all over the stupid bacon trend, because it’s not enough just to eat bacon once in a while on a sandwich or with eggs. You have to beat the world to death with a strip of bacon and stir your cocktails with bacon and wear a shirt that says “More Bacon!” on it and put it on your freaking donut. Jeez.

    • avatar California Mazens says:

      They aren’t “hopping on the trend” they are desperately chasing the trend because it’s like 5 years old now. But have you actually had a bacon donut? They can be really delicious.

      • avatar vapid and tragic and weird says:

        Spare me your defense of the bacon donut. I know, I know, there are all kinds of wonderful things I haven’t experienced. If I can’t criticize them from afar from a place of complete ignorance, what else am I going to do with my spare time?

        • avatar Vincouer says:

          Bravo!! I support this statement.

        • avatar nomnomnom says:

          I am kind angry with you on your bacon attack, to be honest. It makes my inner small child angry, the one that used to eat so much bacon that her grandparents made pancakes in the left over bacon grease.

          if i wasn’t clear

          bacon.

  12. avatar French-Toast Barricade (formerly Humbert Humbert's Nut-But-tah) says:

    While I realize that the “Matt put MY dainty ballerina socks on Mazen” thing was probably done to show how fun-sized Kath is, the comments on IG of “Classic dad move, brah! My hubs is a moron who can’t dress our kids” make me want to slap all her commenters upside the head with a Votes for Women mug.

    Parenting is not fucking innate. It’s not biological. It’s a learned skill. If your male partner isn’t doing the bulk of childcare or laundry or fat babby dressing and doesn’t have intimate knowledge of your sock drawer, it’s not like he’s going to know. Tease him, yeah, but don’t perpetuate this stereotype that (straight cis) dudes are helpless and their dicks get in the way of their doing laundry. He can learn just like you did. Hormones and gender binary are not an excuse.

    Signed, someone who shares clothes with the S.O.

    • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

      And let’s not even talk about the stuff she dresses Carbs in. She’s no Rachel Zoe-level baby stylist here.
      WEK_W_Rachel_Zoe_815.jpg

      • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

        Whoa, sorry for the size, Hams. That’s a whole lot of couture baby.

      • avatar Onion Facts (FKA Chewy Disordered Nonsense Graph Eating) says:

        Does anyone else wanna see the shot taken two seconds after this one of the fashionista face plant that happened b/c her boot heel finally got stuck in those forgawdsakehemme jeans?

        • avatar margarita says:

          Me! Me! Me!

          I hate that dragging on the ground style, where it looks like they have no feet. And then their hems get all dirty and nasty and ravelings start to form. Yuck!

          • avatar Onion Facts (FKA Chewy Disordered Nonsense Graph Eating) says:

            Ha! Guess which pants show up prominently in a Google image search for “Rachel Zoe Face Plant”?? Seems we aren’t the only ones!

            Alas, no actual pics of ass-over-elbow-bag turned up. :(

            200_s.gif

        • avatar California Mazens says:

          I read a quote from Rachel Zoe that said her biggest fashion recommendation was to make sure your jeans were the “Right length” which she said was “just grazing the floor”. I have a pair that’s that long and I feel desperately needs to be hemmed, and looking at that photo confirms it. I mean, you can’t even see her shoes- shouldn’t some fashionista like people to see her shoes?

          • avatar swimminginvinegar says:

            I just got back from LA (sooo urban pro) and I only see women there doing it. It happens much less in NY. Maybe because your pants hem dragging on the subway platform is a good way for some weird disease to follow you home?

          • avatar exquisitespring says:

            I am 5’1” and all of my “short” length pants drag the ground in the back. Accidental fashionista, this one.

    • avatar Atop says:

      OMG this rant expresses my own feelings on this topic so coherently. I bow to your wordsmithery.

    • avatar Shazaam Carefully Measures her Garnish. says:

      Seriously. My husband puts the toddlers socks on the baby and the babies socks on the toddler and I never treat him like it’s because he’s a man and only moms can do it. the reality is he’s never noticed the size is listed on the bottom of the sock. in his head socks are socks and who cares, hardly a moron moment.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      +26 and +26 to your signature.
      There was so much fucking “hahahaha” in those comments too. IT’S NOT THAT FUNNY YOU DORKS.

    • avatar Platonic Dominatrix (aka Kathy's V-Cup) says:

      Applause!

    • avatar Vincouer says:

      THANK YOU. Ugh, I hate that brand of sexism as much as any other.

    • avatar French-Toast Barricade (formerly Humbert Humbert's Nut-But-tah) says:

      Thanks, y’all! I’m going to add your comments to my 26-page word doc of compliments! #VotesforWomen

      (Seriously though, it makes me happy that I can talk about the weird sexism in the HLB world here. Hamcats for life.)

    • avatar Hip Hoppopotomus says:

      THIS. It made me really fucking angry when my S.O and I went looking for some baby books and everything geared toward fathers was like “Dude! You’re gonna be a dad! Here’s how to skate by when you’re not hunkered down in the man cave!” How about not treating all men like overgrown frat boys but like responsible adults who want to take care of their children in a non-caveman, non- Don Draper way and don’t need to make lame jokes and excuses about it? Crazy thought, I know. Maybe I’m spoiled that my fiance is very much the opposite and changed our daughter’s first diaper while I was laid up after surgery and doesn’t mind washing a dish every now and then.

      Don’t get me started about how women like Kath are just perpetuating this stereotype.

      • avatar The Old Bailey says:

        Yuck! That’s disheartening. Like most guys his age, my SO didn’t babysit or anything so books will be welcome when the time comes. It’s disrespectful to the dudes too. If they’re actively seeking out baby books, one can generally assume they are interested in parenting on a non-superficial level.

      • avatar Anonymous says:

        I detest this “men are so dumb hahaha” attitude. On the surface, it looks pro-female. But really it’s just the same old crap about how only women can do laundry.

        Anyway, in my house, when my husband puts my daughter’s socks in my drawer and vice versa, he tells me that is a sign that I should stop wearing socks with neon flowers on them because they look like the socks of a seven year old girl. And I give him the finger and tell him life is too short for boring socks, which is not really my point. My point is that Kath’s socks look like kids’ socks. Knowing Kath, they probably are.

  13. avatar Natinat6 says:

    I thought Kath didn’t like sweets…oh wait, yes she does. Those are the sweetest, most decadent donuts I have ever seen. What a fraud.



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