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KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 144-145

In Tuesday’s sponsored post, Kathy revels in five poignant memories. Are they of her favorite kitchen creations? Her five most cherished recipes? The five ingredients she enjoys savoring the most?

Nope, just five things the Valedictorian of Sugar High got to eat on her comped trip to Colonial Williamsburg:

• A root beer float and its “creamy foam.”

• A scone with cream and jam at high tea, where she says, about the actual tea she drank:

{I think the real sugar helped ; ) }

• Croutons. Yup, she had a custom “Peach and Nasturtium Risotto” (with “nasturtium pedals,” ahem) made for her by the chef at the hotel, who probably figured that if his guest didn’t want onions or garlic in her risotto, he might as well just throw whatever in the pan. His work was in vain, though, as the “Pretzel bread croutons” were her favorite part of the meal.

• But the poor chef’s trials weren’t over. He tried to make the family an appetizer. Sadly, all Kathy wanted was the

seared scallop finished with American Heritage Chocolate over a cardamom French Toast

• Finally, during another dinner — and up against such non-contenders (for Kathy) as an actual seafood pasta dish and a salad with glorious anchovies on top — she again swooned over the most-beige, least-meat option around:

what stole the crown for me [was] one of our appetizers – the Twin Oaks Crispy Tofu and served with a trio of dips – Scotty Scott’s Lima Bean “Aioli”, Chili Relish, Soft Pimento Cheese Fondue. Loved this, and such a creative twist on tofu.

She also had a sandwich, a waffle, and fudge at what she calls the “Whythe candy shop,” because why bother to check your spelling when someone is paying you to take vacations and eat chocolate trayfe? These round out what she calls her “Special final shout outs,” which, combined with her “gotta give more props to Chef Brust” comment earlier in the post, make one wonder what sort of MTV Music Video Awards tack Colonial Williamsburg asked her to take in her essays.

I guess we should be glad she didn’t use a hashtag and the expression “YOLO.”

On to Monday’s post.

Every week, I have a tiny little bonding moment with Kathy, as she — and I — both prepare for the miserable weekly slog through five breakfasts, five lunches, and five dinners hoping we can knock it out as quickly as possible. I do it hoping I can make people laugh, but I’m still not sure why Kathy does it.

In any event, for the annals of history, this is what she ate last week:

• Pancakes with fruit and nuts and nut butter. Her husband Bath Matt made them, because Kathy was tired from being the one who gets to stay home every day and not go into an actual job. Kathy called it “Pancake day!” while Bath Matt, one imagines, called it “Seriously, why do I have to spend all seven days of the week up to my hairy elbows in franchise fakery flour?”

• A scuffin (because it was NEW, guys, and obviously she has to test everything that attains the high honor of being served at the fakery) and eggs and fruit:

Yum! It’s made with 100% freshly ground whole wheat flour, so I felt good about having it for breakfast despite the fact that it’s dense and sweet.

Whole grain is also the first ingredient in Lucky Charms, Kathy. Know how I’d justify a bowl of that to the world? I wouldn’t. Because it’s nobody’s business but mine what I eat. Because I don’t publish it on the internet. See how that works? P.S. Your banana has been stabbed in a brutal fruit gang fight* and requires medical attention.

• Fakery toast with maple-flavored nut butter, and berries in yogurt eaten with one of those adorable ceramic spoons she hasn’t managed to shatter yet.

• Berries, trendy chia seeds, milk, “365 Wheat Waffles {one of my favorite cereals}” and what is allegedly coconut but looks like wilting strands of mozzarella.

Also, 365 wheat waffles is too many wheat waffles. I’d get full after two or three.

• Those previous breakfasts? Those were just a countdown to her number one favorite breakfast of the week, a high honor reserved for… a fakery hamburger bun with nut butter, jelly, and an egg on it.

Why was it so awesome?

It tasted like a jelly donut!!!

Which is about 290 calories at Dunkin Donuts. You know how every fledgling dieter sees that first magazine article about how, shockingly, a Big Mac or whatever is fewer calories than your typical Caesar salad? Maybe Kathy never saw that article. Maybe she thinks that if she eats a 150-calorie hamburger bun, a 70-calorie egg, and maybe 200 calories of jam and nut butter, she’s somehow getting away with something because she didn’t actually eat an actual jelly donut. Maybe she thinks nothing tastes as good as smug feels. Or maybe she should just have a donut.

• Eggs with frozen spinach on a cold tortilla and barely melted cheese on top, which she describes as:

an egg and cheesy omelet with frozen spinach cooked throughout. Mazen and I each had half a circle. On a whole wheat tortilla with peach on the side. I ate it like a soft taco.

Aw, half a cheesy taco circle with a baby and an emoticon? How adowabuw. Even if it is pictured sailing into a black hole of semi-wood-grained meaninglessness, like Kathy’s last galactic hope for protein.

• Two things she didn’t even have to make herself: During a “meeting” with an unnamed, unphotographed cipher from The Juice Laundry (don’t take your sheets there) she had a “shared” bottle of cashew milk that she describes as “like a milkshake.” Any other brilliant ad copy about the company, Kathy?

I’ve had their Refresh green juice so far, which was most refreshing

• Another day, she went to the fakery for a slice of “cinnamon chip” bread and a salad with what looks like what my cats would hack up if they ate Big Bird. This is apparently curried tuna, a.k.a. The Epitome Of Everything You Should Never Eat On An Airplane.

• Another excuse for Huge Bread and sweetened almonds, but it’s okay because it’s on some collection of leafy greens. Seriously, this slab of bread looks like you could build a photography studio on it, as long as you were okay with everything being tilted at an untenable angle — hey!

Big salad with leftover grilled veggies and a side of Blueberry High Five. Toppings included avocado, Bloomsbury cheese and honey almonds

• A lunch salad with comped salmon, vegetables, cheese and chips on or near it. Apart from calling the cheese

(AMAZING!)

she has no other actual thoughts about this meal she’s showing us.

• The same thing on another day but with almonds and avocado too. Instead of calling this one a salad, she calls it

another smoked salmon delight

and notes that Baby Carbz

stole a good amount of my salmon after rejecting his own lunch of chicken and beans!

Given that her chicken and bean casserole involves no fresh ingredients, no onion, no garlic, and about two grams of actual herbs and that the only thing she praises about it is really how simple it is, because Lord knows staring at a happy baby and the basement TV all day is a mind-boggling test of skill and complexity, this is no surprise.

Speaking of complex, which one is the fakery roll and which one is the chicken?

Unable to get her tiny child to eat it for her, she actually ate this two nights, once on a salad, because separating your entree and your salad onto separate dishes can only lead to dirty dishes, and everyone knows real foodies only give a shit about 1. how simple a recipe is and 2. how much clean-up there is.

You know, if simple is really all she wants, the number for the Domino’s in town is (434) 971-8383.

• Pasta with vegetables, alleged Parmesan and three “pesto ice cubes,” which she thinks counts as a

Pesto extravaganza!

The whole thing is about as extravagant as her earlier salad was a “delight,” which is to say, not at all. Good job barely rescuing those “toasted” pine nuts though, Kathy.

• More pasta, this time for

Spaghetti night!

except this time you can actually see the cheese, along with a desperate-to-escape noodle arm and a bloody speck of tomato smear.

Good thing, too, because otherwise it would have just been more onionless, garlicless vegetables and whole wheat pasta. She does know that, despite her difficulty in managing them, exclamation points don’t count as herbs, right?

• A tortellini casserole topped with smoked cheddar, because Bath Matt’s mom Karen could probably hear her son’s stomach rumbling from across town after the churning from the conveyor belt of sad salads and bread screeched to a chia-grinding half one evening.

They also “shared some vino.” In other words, thank you for the wine, Karen.

Kathy says Karen will be providing the recipe soon. Not for Kathy’s sake — she’s not going to cook something with this many non-nut-associated fats in it — but maybe a reader will finally get a delicious recipe from Kath Consumes Rarely In-Focus Items.

I guess the helpful thing is that if the NSA ever wants to investigate Kathy, she’s done half the work for them.

She concludes with something laboriously constructed in MSPaint and a shot of her pots and pans getting more action than they’ve seen possibly ever.

But the strangest thing about this week’s “Lately” post is that Kathy starts out with a bit of exposition that falls somewhere between child stomping their foot and manifesto. For her, anyway:

Hi friends!!! Here are some meals from last week. KERF has never been about fancy recipes {there are many wonderful blogs for that!} Instead it has always been my goal to show people how to eat real food 90% of the time without giving up food groups or fun nights out on the town. That’s why you can find 5 years of daily meals in the archives – really busy times and slower times in life. And of course now meals prepared with a baby underfoot. Hope you get a taste of food inspiration here.

Calling her readers “friends” and adding her typical toppings of exclamation points, cutesy not-parentheses, and the word “fun” doesn’t change the fact that, whoa, here’s a diet blogger whose sole mission is the scuffin-numbing task of showing people what she ate every day, year after year, and she’s…. chiding them? Wagging her finger at people who want “fancy recipes”? Sanctimoniously declaring herself a consumer of “real food” and an enjoyer of “fun nights” who provides “inspiration”? Dude. Kathy. Chill out. Maybe go with one fewer pre-frozen cube of real coffee in the mornings. You’re a stay-at-home mom who likes sweetened nut butter and reasonably priced cribs from Walmart, not the secretary of state defending a drone-strike program. Maybe we don’t need to be reminded of that — maybe you do.

Bonus: Kathy’s essay, in Papyrus font, on a Michael Crichton book. For AP English. Which she chose to share with the world via Instagram.

 

*Crips v. Bluebs.


346 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 144-145



  1. avatar Shannon C says:

    i feel kind of sad and weird whenever i see her put 5 little chips on the side of her plate like anyone is gonna believe that’s the only ones she had

    • avatar Darla says:

      she curls up on the couch with the remainder of the bag to watch her precious TV shows, no doubt. But if it’s not on the blog, it doesn’t count.

      • avatar Kath's Ego says:

        She does admit that she ate “{More directly from the bag}”. I appreciate her honesty (and enexplicable bracket choice).

        Also, can we please talk about how she ate the same amount of an omelette for breakfast as her eleven month old? Kath, if you’re out there… That’s just not right.

  2. avatar Anonymous says:

    Lost it at the Poochie picture.

  3. avatar Anonymous says:

    Also, “…nothing tastes as good as smug feels”. In my head I heard a deep-voiced, smug-timbred voice actor slowly enunciate that, with a dramatic pause after “tastes”, while a sun-lit spoon lumped a wad of nut butter, slo-mo, atop a pile of oats. Commercial-style.

  4. avatar Brutal Fruit Gang Fight Victim says:

    Conch this was sheer gold. Thank you.

    Thank god for Karen, I live in hope that baby Carbz will grow up with some sense that food can be cooked thoroughly, taste good, and not look like a crime scene.

    • avatar watchmefall says:

      I was seriously salivating over the pic of her tortellini. I’m on week 13 of no pasta.

      • avatar snarkincluded says:

        and all that CHEESE! I haven’t seen that much melty goodness on Katheter’s page in years.

        • avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

          I totally looked at that picture and thought “god DAMN that looks delicious…..why is on KERF?”

          Shoulda known Karen was responsible.

        • avatar DrunkKitty says:

          I seriously want to eat the whole tray of the gooey deliciousness. I hope she actually posts the recipe.

          What I really don’t understand is how someone can be raised by a mom who cooks things like that and put up with the shit shows that Kath serves him. I guess smug really does feel THAT good.

          • avatar simple human says:

            The thing is, that tortellini casserole is a super simple dish to make.Boil the pasta, add a decent jar of sauce, shredded cheese on top. You could fancy it up with meat or ricotta cheese, or herbs if you can manage them, or by making your own sauce if you like. Totally something you can throw together with a baby underfoot that is delicious and filling, unlike that chicken bean atrocity. Of course, Kath doesn’t do delicious or filling….

  5. avatar Yana says:

    I might just be incredibly drunk, but really, I think this might be my favorite recap ever. Conch is on fire right now. 365 wheat waffles is too many wheat waffles slayed me, but the “I do it hoping to make people laugh” part might be my personal all-time favorite line. Brava Conch.

    • avatar Poor Mazen says:

      Totally agree. Everybody died over the last one, but I LOVED this one! “Maybe go with one fewer pre-frozen cube of real coffee in the mornings.” BAH. Conch is hilarious.

    • avatar spooky says:

      When we first started talking about recapping KERF in order to reduce the pageview$ the Smugsons were being such dicks about, I honestly had no idea what a gift Conch’s writing would turn out to be. How she manages to knock it out of the park day after day, week after week, I have no idea.

      Brava, Conch! You’re an inspiration, and we love you long time.

    • avatar Funn is a Four-Letter Worddddd says:

      Seriously, Conch. This week has been stellar. The jokes are loud-snort funny, and that donut gif is pure perfection.

      +26 x infinity

    • avatar Albie Quirky says:

      Conch has been knocking it out of the park so consistently. I am just in awe.

    • avatar KERF World Problems says:

      Agree, this recap is particularly good.

      • avatar Sick of Kerf says:

        Thank you Conch, for making me laugh out loud while I am in the middle of some particularly dull work. You amaze me.

        • avatar Playtime was had says:

          I’m still a proud member of the Conch IS Kristen Wiig conspiracy theory camp.

          • avatar KERFETUS says:

            That would be amazing. I hope she casually mentions it in an interview one day. “So Kristen, what do you do in your free time?” “You know, spend time with family and friends, watch TV. I also write this semi-secret blog mocking this particularly terrible HLB. It’s all in good fun, though I am really tired of looking at pictures of oozing nut butter.”

  6. avatar Shannon C says:

    also, on like the third of fourth time of making that nasty chicken dish, it looks like she still doesn’t know how to cook it all the way…

    • avatar watchmefall says:

      Even if she did cook the chicken properly, it still has to taste nasty. Dry chicken and under seasoned beans. Yum.

    • avatar Coach Clodhoppers says:

      I am convinced this is because Kath has no instinct for cooking. The original recipe her friend gave her said “roast the chicken at 375 for 45 minutes” or whatever, and Kath must take that as the Gospel Truth of Cooking Chicken. She doesn’t account for differing thickness in chicken pieces or different ovens and just check on it and cook it til it’s done… no. It comes out at 45 minutes because the recipe said 45 minutes! Meanwhile she’s eating chronically underdone pink chicken.

      • avatar SalmonellaCasserella says:

        Exactly this. She really has no intuition at ALL when it comes to cooking. Plus, her ego is so overly inflated that she seems to think she can make up bizarre concoctions, throw whatever she wants in a pot and have it turn out spectacular. I doubt she even owns a cookbook. Clearly, she feels she is above “fancy recipes” and researching anything food-related, because she already knows it all!

      • avatar Cuntalina Hittler says:

        It could potentially be interesting to read a blog by someone (a better writer) who says,”I want to each ‘real food,’ but I’m not experienced in the kitchen. Here is my journey.” But that would require humility and possibly taking criticism, and we know she (nor Matt) can do that without getting their backs up.

        • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

          It would also require Kathy having a sense of humor about herself.

          If I weren’t such a lazy-ass, I’d have an I-can’t-cook blog complete with Fuck-Up Fridays. But alas, that would cut into my Franzia guzzling time.

    • avatar Matth's Hair Tumbleweeds says:

      I may be the only self respecting Southern woman who doesn’t make casseroles because they almost always call for browning meat separately, a can of condensed soup, a pound of cheese on top, etc. This is why casseroles are delicious but I find it easier to just make meat and vegetables (and eat a pound of cheese with crackers beforehand).

      Kathy, I know you’re reading this. If you insist on making this wannabe casserole please brown the chicken first. It would add some much needed color and flavor and ay even make the Boredom Bake 1/26 less boring. You’re welcome.

      • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

        Agreed. This is also why I shy away from crock pot meals. (Speaking of which, do you think Kath knows any good tips?). They always turn out better if you brown the meat, but then you are essentially dirtying more dishes (the horror!) and creating more work for yourself than just baking chicken. Oh God, I sound like Kath. Maybe this is really why she doesn’t use the crock pot?

        • avatar Hot Pork Water says:

          I have a crock pot that can go on the stove to brown the meat, then you put it in the base to slow cook. I heart it.

          Bam, crock pot info!

        • avatar Useful Crockpot Tips says:

          Do not lick the inside bottom of the base no matter how much crunch you think may be in the dried spillage.

      • avatar Anonymous says:

        Exactly! I’m not from the South, but one day (several years ago) found a delicious sounding chicken/rice/sour cream/condensed soup/poppy seed casserole that I wanted to make. I was arrogant the first time I made it, not reading the directions all the way and throwing in the (cubed) chicken in to bake it. The result? Raw meat. Lesson learned, a mistake only made once.

  7. avatar grannyshoes says:

    I lost it (and never recovered) at Valedictorian of Sugar High – new user name!
    Does anyone else start crying when you know Conch’s post is nearing the end?

    • avatar Can O'Beans says:

      Yes. I do. But then the comments…

      I don’t know how you do it, Conch. Gold, I tell you, pure gold–out of boring nonsense. .

      • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

        I won’t even admit how frequently I check in during the day to see what additional comments have popped up. In addition to being hilarious, I learn so much from you hams.tumblr_mmcw8mofwG1r5xzspo1_400.jpg

        • avatar ARealScienceNerd says:

          Second that! The best break ever during my work day :) On really busy days I feel sad because I haven’t been able to read all the comments.

    • avatar Darla says:

      I feel sad when I glance down and see it’s a short post. I never want them to end. Pure brilliance. If Kath had an ounce of brains, she’d have Conch do a guest post. Think of the page view$!!!1!

    • avatar lois says:

      if i’ve said i had a really busy day at work, after dinner, my husband will bring me the computer and say, i know you need to catch up on your snark.

      <3

  8. avatar cramps says:

    What is AP english and at what age do you learn that the first word in a sentence begins with a capital letter in America?

    • avatar Buttered Nuts says:

      On the off chance that you actually want to know (I can’t tell if you are asking sarcastically), AP English is Advanced Placement English. It is offered in high school for the more capable students.

      • avatar cramps says:

        I did genuinely want to know so thank you for your answer. I am Australian and had never heard of ap classes. I was being extremely facetious about her forgetting to use a capital letter.

      • avatar katzenfrau says:

        If you get the highest grade on the AP exam (a 5), you can generally skip the introductory-level courses in that subject when you get to university.

        Someone writing like that as a freshman at my university? Would have received intensive, remedial help from a personal tutor. I wonder who else was in her AP class that made her work look like the best – gorillas, perhaps?

        • avatar CrunchViolation says:

          Was she really valedictorian?? And couldn’t get into Duke?

          • avatar Badger Skull says:

            She had the highest grade at one point, but at the point where they actually measured the grades to choose valedictorian, another girl had the highest grade. But, like the whole Duke-rejection, Kath is still bitter about it and claims she was valedictorian except for a technicality.

          • avatar Coach Clodhoppers says:

            Yeah, I want to say that by the end of spring semester, Kath’s GPA was like .02% (literally- it’s that small of a percentage) higher than the valedictorian’s, but they chose the valedictorian at the end of fall semester, and at that point, Kath’s was not higher. But because she’s Kath, she still claims she was rightfully the valedictorian.

          • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

            Actually can someone please explain her Duke early decision thing to me?
            Her ridiculous post about Duke early decision says that she switched her application with early decision to Davidson at the last minute. Is that the result of an early indication from Duke that she was not accepted, or what?

        • avatar watchmefall says:

          I would love to know what Kath scored on the AP exam. I got a 4, and if she got a 5 I would need to reevaluate my purpose in life.

          • avatar Coach Clodhoppers says:

            I got a 4 in 11th grade and a 5 in 12th. I specifically remember the essay topic of my 12th grade AP exam being to give an example of a book in which one character acts as a lightning rod for all the activity the rest of the characters in the book perform. I wrote about Caddy Compson and “The Sound and the Fury.” I’m sorry, if Kath got higher than a 2 on the AP English exam, based on that essay she posted and the fact she believes she wrote a “thesis” in AP English, I will eat her Davidson visor.

          • avatar The Old Bailey says:

            Yeah, don’t AP exams get graded by a central authority, e.g., not that idiot Mr. Johnson who supposedly gave Kath an A? If so, then there’s no way she got anything above a 2. Hell, I barely squeaked out a 4 and I ended up being an English major in college.

          • avatar Matth's Hair Tumbleweeds says:

            It’s possible she didn’t even take the exam. If Mr. Jackson had any experience with the exam then he would’ve pulled Kathy aside and gently suggested that she not sit for it.

          • avatar watchmefall says:

            Coach – I’m confused. You took AP English in both 11th and 12th grades? I didn’t even know that was a possibility. I took it in 12th. I did take AP History in 11th, though. Got a 4 on that exam, too. I guess I was destined for 4′s in life.

          • avatar Lightbox Limb Loss says:

            Kath’s reprehensible grammar aside, doesn’t one have to enjoy literature to succeed in AP English? Kath never reads anything besides magazines and couldn’t even be arsed to read the book for her book club.

          • avatar Crunch for the Win says:

            Watchmefall- there’s AP Lit and AP Language and Composition, at least at our local high school. I showed Kathy’s essay fragment to my kid (who took both) and she said the writing was about on par with C students in the accelerated sophomore English class where she was a TA.

          • avatar California Mazens says:

            Yeah I also took AP Lang (junior year) and then AP Lit (senior year) but I know those are reversed in some schools? I don’t remember anything about my AP tests at all, and I don’t remember anything I wrote, but I made sure not to reference pop fiction. If Kath had the “lightning rod” prompt she probably chose Harry Potter.

          • avatar watchmefall says:

            Ah, gotcha. It’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure our school only offered AP History in 11th grade. AP Lit and AP Chemistry were offered in 12th grade. Hell now there’s some kind of honors program offered…IB, I think? My little sis was in it a few years ago.

          • avatar watchmefall says:

            Oh, and AP Calculus. I barely passed Honors Calculus so I stayed away from that one.

          • avatar ahp says:

            I’m an Old, so there was just AP English, which I took senior year. I got a 5 on the exam. One of the things that helped me get that 5 was a teacher who have booted me from AP if I turned in a paper with that many mistakes on page 1 alone. Jesus, Kath. And FFS, Mr. Jackson, didn’t you notice she used “their” wrong in the first sentence?

        • avatar ARealScienceNerd says:

          So I took AP English from a public HS in Mass as a senior in HS. It was rigorous and my teacher was very tough/demanding in a beneficial way. I did get a ’5′ and was able to receive college credit for it. My teacher would have given this a very low grade. Maybe we should ask Kath what she got on the AP exam, as the grading is anonymous and held to national standards. I would be surprised if she did well.

          • avatar exquisitespring says:

            I 5ed on AP English (the lit one), after taking the class at a relatively rural high school in South Carolina – we had really terrific teachers, and I’m forever grateful that my parents sent us the public school route. My small private liberal arts college didn’t let me opt out of English 101 because our English 101 was a required freshman seminar class that was designed to make sure that people could write.

            They did let 1 hour of it count as a general credit, which allowed me to keep my state scholarships after I broke my back and was only able to keep 10 hours of credit my fall semester of my freshman year (keeping me from having to do summer school). I 4ed in US History, Chemistry and Calculus BC, but in the end all I was able to use for credit for a class was the calc, but the 4 in chemistry gave me enough knowledge that the three weeks of Chem 101 I missed due to breaking my back weren’t a big deal.

            So, even though the benefits of those classes were less tangible, they were very real.

          • avatar exquisitespring says:

            Holy shit long comment, sorry everyone for the TL; DR. But I also wanted to add that my AP English teacher kind of sucked too; however, AP English (moreso than any other AP) is more built on your entire high school writing career. I had really strong teachers for my 10 and 11th grade english classes, and I think my success was more due to their influence than my actual AP teacher.

          • avatar watchmefall says:

            Mind me asking where you went to HS? I”m from SC.

          • avatar exquisitespring says:

            I went to Laurens District 55 HS. You? (If I remember correctly from previous SmugNom comments about where we live, you’re in Columbia now, right? I’m in Charleston now.)

          • avatar watchmefall says:

            I do live in Columbia area but I’m from Rock Hill and went to RHHS.

        • avatar Humbert Humbert's Nut-But-tah says:

          I cringe at my high school writings, but even has an AP English 5-earner, I’m 100% sure my writing on MacBeth was 365 waffles better than her summary of Andromeda Strain.

    • avatar Boredom Bake says:

      …or that “there” and “their” DO NOT MEAN THE SAME THING?!?!?! It’s not even circled. Now I’m angry at an overworked AP English teacher from 2000 who probably cried him/herself to sleep at night because Kath’s shitty book report was as good as it got.

      • avatar Polka Dot Avocado says:

        I’m amazed that she actually
        a. kept a high school english paper from 13 year ago!
        b. chose to post that particular paper, given there were mistakes circled. Kathy don’t make no mistakes y’all.

        • avatar Anonymous says:

          That paper is sooooo cringeworthy,both in style and content.

          • avatar Chocolate says:

            I showed it to my UVa English professor hubcat who just shook his head in wonder at all the errors, caught and uncaught, and the book that was selected. A fail as far as he is concerned. And he added that they shouldn’t be allowed a stall at the farmer’s market, which continues to be a sore point for a lot of us in Cville. Nothing to do with her essay but when the smuggers are a topic, that is still an irritant for lot of folks here.
            To put your high school essay on line as if it was of interest–what an ego in action.

          • avatar Religious Nut Butters says:

            The best part is that Kath, over a decade later, posted it in a non-ironic fashion. I am sure it was to prove to all her haterz that she really is smarter than a sea slug.

            Spectacular fail.

            catleapfail2.gif

        • avatar Cuntalina Hittler says:

          I’m amazed that she read an airport novel for AP English.

      • avatar Hot Pork Water says:

        I don’t even remember my AP teachers doing corrections on spelling, grammar, or punctuation because we were freaking AP/IB students who KNEW HOW TO USE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. There should be no need for correcting there/their at that level, for god’s sake. She’s an embarrassment.

        I will eat my dictionary (I bet it tastes better than overnight oats!) if she really got higher than a 2 on that AP exam.

        • avatar DrunkKitty says:

          In all honesty, if you can’t use the proper their/there at that level, they should automatically drop you back to regular English class. If you can’t bother to actually proof your paper then obviously you are not ready for that level of work.

        • avatar exquisitespring says:

          I wonder if she posted it so that people would say “Oh man, that’s terrific. I bet you did great on the test!” You know, so she could turn it into another “I really got screwed over by those fat jealous hater AP graders, just like I should have been valedictorian and wasn’t! Can you believe all of these people who have tried to hold me back and deny my inevitable success all my life?”

      • avatar CatBlanket says:

        The image of the overwhelmed English teacher forced to read this drivel makes me wonder how much the Elder Smugsons interfered in their daughters’ school lives. Buzz seems like the kind of mother who would angrily call the teacher, then the principal, then the superindendent when her children were “unfairly” criticized. In a small school district that kind of behavior could certainly lead to a general concensus to just let the two Youngers just slide by as to avoid the drama. This would explain a great deal about the way they both conduct themselves as adults.

      • avatar Jen X says:

        Thank you, I wanted to comment on the ‘there/their’, too.

        Then I started trying to do the math on how old Kath would be if she was in high school in 2000 and I got depressed and went to go eat 5 chips.

    • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

      I am sick to my stomach* looking at her paper. Oh, Lord Jesus the public school system failed her. WHY DIDN’T SHE GET ANY POINTS OFF FOR FUCKING UP “their/there”????????????
      And my AP English teacher would not have been amused with the cutesy font, and most likely would have (after striking through the name with a black marker) posted the report on her bulletin board as an example of unacceptable work.

      *to be fair, that may also be attributable to imagining how the chicken-bean dish tasted.

      • avatar lois says:

        i think my AP english teacher would have, at a minimum, called me out in front of the class for my egregious errors and stupid font. she was a highly intelligent, highly competent, highly sassy woman, and she stood for no such tomfoolery.

        there is no way kath got higher than a 2 on the exam, if she took it.

        and i still can’t get over reading michael effing crichton for her “thesis,” whatever the hell that is to an AP English student.

        • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

          And, AND, what she got out of the book was, “they all worked together to solve the mystery.” That’s not a college-level analysis, that’s the plot of a Scooby Doo episode.

        • avatar exquisitespring says:

          My tenth grade English teacher didn’t fuck around. He once gave one of my classmates a negative grade (-2 for each grammatical error and -10 for each day it was late). He laid the groundwork for my ability to write at a professional level, and I forever appreciate him for that.

      • avatar seven-dollar sandwich says:

        Thank you. That fucking font. It could only have been worse in Comic Sans.

        • avatar 26 Garlics says:

          Agreed. Little hint: If the font you’re using for an essay doesn’t have an italics option, it is not appropriate for use in an essay.

          My Year 12 English teacher had strict rules for any submitted work: white paper; black ink; 12 point Times New Roman; 1.5 line spacing; 2.5cm margins. Easy.

  9. avatar Jiggly Stomach Fat says:

    A) I love Community Channel

    B) I hate KERF so much it is difficult to articulate. Why does she strive for mediocrity and fail? Who fails at mediocrity?

    She’s just infuriatin’ (SEE?!? See what I did there? Now you want to stab me and you don’t even have proof that I’ve dropped “g”s for years (I haven’t).)

    I hate her and want her to stop but I can never look away because of Conch (and my love of hating on stupid people loudly).

  10. avatar Drippy Tofu says:

    Kath’s writing is going to give me an aneurism one of these days. Why would she ever post that awful, error-riddled paper for all the Internets to see?

  11. avatar Buttered Nuts says:

    Out of all the things KERF has ever done, it is that book report that is making me finally delurk.

    The font is bad enough and there are certainly quite a few errors marked. I think, however, the teacher must have been so beaten down by this paper that they physically find it within them to mark all of them. (“but never had THEIR been something this strange”)

    • avatar Buttered Nuts says:

      Oh for fuck’s sake. Of course when I am snarking on her paper, I don’t look back over my comment before submitting.

      The teacher COULDN’T physically find it within them to mark every single error.

      Goddammit. tumblr_mrha9u3Mar1s2gg27o1_400.gif

      • avatar CrotchFruit says:

        It’s pretty common practice for English instructors to focus on one type of error or the most egregious errors so as not to overwhelm students. And by “English instructors,” I mean English as a second language instructors.

        Maybe there’s an AP English as a second language that none of us know about. That would explain so much about Kath.

      • avatar Who am I again? says:

        This is an astonishing gif. Do you know the details behind it?

        Also I bet most commenters are like me, and never even noticed the missing word. Hooray for brain autofill!

        • avatar Buttered Nuts says:

          Unless I am mistaken, it is Ludmilla Tourisheva at the 1975 World Cup at Wembley Stadium. I guess a support cable anchor broke and caused the collapse.

          According to Wikipedia, the most credible of sources, she calmly saluted the judges, never looked back at the collapsed apparatus, and went on to win the All Around gold medal and the gold medal in every single individual event.

          tumblr_m5y5naQJO41qhyhq1o1_500.gif

          • avatar Who am I again? says:

            Awesome.

            The Lonely Island may have recorded “Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions,” but she was waaaay ahead of them!

    • avatar SoManyCats says:

      Yeah, that paper has me looking from cat to cat in disbelief, hoping one of them can explain to me how she got an A. My composition teacher in 10th grade took off a percentage point for every error, which was tough but made the point (that proof-reading was a thing, so do it) — I really wish KERF had been subjected to the same standards. At any point in her life. For anything.

      • avatar The Old Bailey says:

        Your username plus the mental image of your first line has me giggling so much.

      • avatar berfbarf says:

        Yes. My male BFF teaches AP English and he has a fairly intricate rubric for their essays…two points for each misspelled word, 10 for an incomplete sentence, etc.

        • avatar Buttered Nuts says:

          When I was a para for an English department, the rubric depended on the length of the paper. If it was a five paragraph essay, each error was half a letter grade. If it was 1-3 pages, each error was a point. If it was a longer research paper, the rubric got very complicated.

          This looks like a simple book report, but it has no introduction and she covers (well, glosses over in the vaguest way possible) the plot in the first paragraph, so I can’t see how this would even be a simple five paragraph essay.

          I have graded some train wrecks, for sure, but this is supposed to be AP.

          I would cut her some slack if this was an essay test answer. An essay test answer is graded much more easily, as you don’t have time to finesse your construction and revise for simple errors. This was a paper that was assigned in advance and it is worse than most essay test answers I’ve ever graded.

          That this was from an AP class makes me shake my head. That she kept the paper because she was proud make me equal part amused and disgusted.

          • avatar Nutbutter Face says:

            I took AP like a lot of you hams, and I’m baffled as to how that book got on her reading list. As I recall, we read books from a LIST. The list was given to us by our teacher. So either she’s lying and that wasn’t for AP, or she read a book not on the list because she’s special, or her AP teaching was kind of a fuck-up too.

    • avatar snarkincluded says:

      I don’t get it. I can generally see where the smuntery comes from in most of her weird behavior, but I don’t get this one.

      Why would she post an old paper from high school on IG? She honestly thinks we’d be impressed by it, errors, weird font and all? She’s looking for that much validation?

  12. avatar FatMormon says:

    That scuffin looks like the triceratops dump from Jurassic Park.

  13. avatar violet kitten says:

    “Nothing tastes as good as smug feels” plus the smoking hot Tim Curry gif – Conch I am almost DEAD! Please revive soon with yet another Sara Goldfarb pic.

    Love, me.



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