foodsmug, recaps, shillsmug

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 144-145

In Tuesday’s sponsored post, Kathy revels in five poignant memories. Are they of her favorite kitchen creations? Her five most cherished recipes? The five ingredients she enjoys savoring the most?

Nope, just five things the Valedictorian of Sugar High got to eat on her comped trip to Colonial Williamsburg:

• A root beer float and its “creamy foam.”

• A scone with cream and jam at high tea, where she says, about the actual tea she drank:

{I think the real sugar helped ; ) }

• Croutons. Yup, she had a custom “Peach and Nasturtium Risotto” (with “nasturtium pedals,” ahem) made for her by the chef at the hotel, who probably figured that if his guest didn’t want onions or garlic in her risotto, he might as well just throw whatever in the pan. His work was in vain, though, as the “Pretzel bread croutons” were her favorite part of the meal.

• But the poor chef’s trials weren’t over. He tried to make the family an appetizer. Sadly, all Kathy wanted was the

seared scallop finished with American Heritage Chocolate over a cardamom French Toast

• Finally, during another dinner — and up against such non-contenders (for Kathy) as an actual seafood pasta dish and a salad with glorious anchovies on top — she again swooned over the most-beige, least-meat option around:

what stole the crown for me [was] one of our appetizers – the Twin Oaks Crispy Tofu and served with a trio of dips – Scotty Scott’s Lima Bean “Aioli”, Chili Relish, Soft Pimento Cheese Fondue. Loved this, and such a creative twist on tofu.

She also had a sandwich, a waffle, and fudge at what she calls the “Whythe candy shop,” because why bother to check your spelling when someone is paying you to take vacations and eat chocolate trayfe? These round out what she calls her “Special final shout outs,” which, combined with her “gotta give more props to Chef Brust” comment earlier in the post, make one wonder what sort of MTV Music Video Awards tack Colonial Williamsburg asked her to take in her essays.

I guess we should be glad she didn’t use a hashtag and the expression “YOLO.”

On to Monday’s post.

Every week, I have a tiny little bonding moment with Kathy, as she — and I — both prepare for the miserable weekly slog through five breakfasts, five lunches, and five dinners hoping we can knock it out as quickly as possible. I do it hoping I can make people laugh, but I’m still not sure why Kathy does it.

In any event, for the annals of history, this is what she ate last week:

• Pancakes with fruit and nuts and nut butter. Her husband Bath Matt made them, because Kathy was tired from being the one who gets to stay home every day and not go into an actual job. Kathy called it “Pancake day!” while Bath Matt, one imagines, called it “Seriously, why do I have to spend all seven days of the week up to my hairy elbows in franchise fakery flour?”

• A scuffin (because it was NEW, guys, and obviously she has to test everything that attains the high honor of being served at the fakery) and eggs and fruit:

Yum! It’s made with 100% freshly ground whole wheat flour, so I felt good about having it for breakfast despite the fact that it’s dense and sweet.

Whole grain is also the first ingredient in Lucky Charms, Kathy. Know how I’d justify a bowl of that to the world? I wouldn’t. Because it’s nobody’s business but mine what I eat. Because I don’t publish it on the internet. See how that works? P.S. Your banana has been stabbed in a brutal fruit gang fight* and requires medical attention.

• Fakery toast with maple-flavored nut butter, and berries in yogurt eaten with one of those adorable ceramic spoons she hasn’t managed to shatter yet.

• Berries, trendy chia seeds, milk, “365 Wheat Waffles {one of my favorite cereals}” and what is allegedly coconut but looks like wilting strands of mozzarella.

Also, 365 wheat waffles is too many wheat waffles. I’d get full after two or three.

• Those previous breakfasts? Those were just a countdown to her number one favorite breakfast of the week, a high honor reserved for… a fakery hamburger bun with nut butter, jelly, and an egg on it.

Why was it so awesome?

It tasted like a jelly donut!!!

Which is about 290 calories at Dunkin Donuts. You know how every fledgling dieter sees that first magazine article about how, shockingly, a Big Mac or whatever is fewer calories than your typical Caesar salad? Maybe Kathy never saw that article. Maybe she thinks that if she eats a 150-calorie hamburger bun, a 70-calorie egg, and maybe 200 calories of jam and nut butter, she’s somehow getting away with something because she didn’t actually eat an actual jelly donut. Maybe she thinks nothing tastes as good as smug feels. Or maybe she should just have a donut.

• Eggs with frozen spinach on a cold tortilla and barely melted cheese on top, which she describes as:

an egg and cheesy omelet with frozen spinach cooked throughout. Mazen and I each had half a circle. On a whole wheat tortilla with peach on the side. I ate it like a soft taco.

Aw, half a cheesy taco circle with a baby and an emoticon? How adowabuw. Even if it is pictured sailing into a black hole of semi-wood-grained meaninglessness, like Kathy’s last galactic hope for protein.

• Two things she didn’t even have to make herself: During a “meeting” with an unnamed, unphotographed cipher from The Juice Laundry (don’t take your sheets there) she had a “shared” bottle of cashew milk that she describes as “like a milkshake.” Any other brilliant ad copy about the company, Kathy?

I’ve had their Refresh green juice so far, which was most refreshing

• Another day, she went to the fakery for a slice of “cinnamon chip” bread and a salad with what looks like what my cats would hack up if they ate Big Bird. This is apparently curried tuna, a.k.a. The Epitome Of Everything You Should Never Eat On An Airplane.

• Another excuse for Huge Bread and sweetened almonds, but it’s okay because it’s on some collection of leafy greens. Seriously, this slab of bread looks like you could build a photography studio on it, as long as you were okay with everything being tilted at an untenable angle — hey!

Big salad with leftover grilled veggies and a side of Blueberry High Five. Toppings included avocado, Bloomsbury cheese and honey almonds

• A lunch salad with comped salmon, vegetables, cheese and chips on or near it. Apart from calling the cheese

(AMAZING!)

she has no other actual thoughts about this meal she’s showing us.

• The same thing on another day but with almonds and avocado too. Instead of calling this one a salad, she calls it

another smoked salmon delight

and notes that Baby Carbz

stole a good amount of my salmon after rejecting his own lunch of chicken and beans!

Given that her chicken and bean casserole involves no fresh ingredients, no onion, no garlic, and about two grams of actual herbs and that the only thing she praises about it is really how simple it is, because Lord knows staring at a happy baby and the basement TV all day is a mind-boggling test of skill and complexity, this is no surprise.

Speaking of complex, which one is the fakery roll and which one is the chicken?

Unable to get her tiny child to eat it for her, she actually ate this two nights, once on a salad, because separating your entree and your salad onto separate dishes can only lead to dirty dishes, and everyone knows real foodies only give a shit about 1. how simple a recipe is and 2. how much clean-up there is.

You know, if simple is really all she wants, the number for the Domino’s in town is (434) 971-8383.

• Pasta with vegetables, alleged Parmesan and three “pesto ice cubes,” which she thinks counts as a

Pesto extravaganza!

The whole thing is about as extravagant as her earlier salad was a “delight,” which is to say, not at all. Good job barely rescuing those “toasted” pine nuts though, Kathy.

• More pasta, this time for

Spaghetti night!

except this time you can actually see the cheese, along with a desperate-to-escape noodle arm and a bloody speck of tomato smear.

Good thing, too, because otherwise it would have just been more onionless, garlicless vegetables and whole wheat pasta. She does know that, despite her difficulty in managing them, exclamation points don’t count as herbs, right?

• A tortellini casserole topped with smoked cheddar, because Bath Matt’s mom Karen could probably hear her son’s stomach rumbling from across town after the churning from the conveyor belt of sad salads and bread screeched to a chia-grinding half one evening.

They also “shared some vino.” In other words, thank you for the wine, Karen.

Kathy says Karen will be providing the recipe soon. Not for Kathy’s sake — she’s not going to cook something with this many non-nut-associated fats in it — but maybe a reader will finally get a delicious recipe from Kath Consumes Rarely In-Focus Items.

I guess the helpful thing is that if the NSA ever wants to investigate Kathy, she’s done half the work for them.

She concludes with something laboriously constructed in MSPaint and a shot of her pots and pans getting more action than they’ve seen possibly ever.

But the strangest thing about this week’s “Lately” post is that Kathy starts out with a bit of exposition that falls somewhere between child stomping their foot and manifesto. For her, anyway:

Hi friends!!! Here are some meals from last week. KERF has never been about fancy recipes {there are many wonderful blogs for that!} Instead it has always been my goal to show people how to eat real food 90% of the time without giving up food groups or fun nights out on the town. That’s why you can find 5 years of daily meals in the archives – really busy times and slower times in life. And of course now meals prepared with a baby underfoot. Hope you get a taste of food inspiration here.

Calling her readers “friends” and adding her typical toppings of exclamation points, cutesy not-parentheses, and the word “fun” doesn’t change the fact that, whoa, here’s a diet blogger whose sole mission is the scuffin-numbing task of showing people what she ate every day, year after year, and she’s…. chiding them? Wagging her finger at people who want “fancy recipes”? Sanctimoniously declaring herself a consumer of “real food” and an enjoyer of “fun nights” who provides “inspiration”? Dude. Kathy. Chill out. Maybe go with one fewer pre-frozen cube of real coffee in the mornings. You’re a stay-at-home mom who likes sweetened nut butter and reasonably priced cribs from Walmart, not the secretary of state defending a drone-strike program. Maybe we don’t need to be reminded of that — maybe you do.

Bonus: Kathy’s essay, in Papyrus font, on a Michael Crichton book. For AP English. Which she chose to share with the world via Instagram.

 

*Crips v. Bluebs.