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KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 113-114

Kathy, who consumes things that exist, had to take a break in between writing her two-part post about her weekend. Obviously. You can’t cram baby shower cupcakes, a 7-mile magazine walk, a visit to the farmers’ market, “date night,” and

many hours crawling around on the floor playing <3

into a single post. This is some epic, intermission-requiring, “Gone With The Wind,” Full-House-two-part-wedding-cliffhanger content:

• Not only did she bring corn AND beans to that Sit on the Lawn For Free and Eat thing they do, she also brought bread. And there was basil in the corn-beans and spinach in the bread. That’s practically turducken levels of complicated.

• A market triptych of faceless man lurching just out of the frame, disembodied elbow, and woman who just wanted to pick up some anpan and pie and can’t remember where she parked the damn car.

• A meatless patty in a sandwich that appears to be falling to pieces before our eyes.

Yes, Kathy, we understand it’s exciting to bring the look of a molded-aluminum diner table to your fingertips, but pull yourself together. Also, it’s not entirely clear what Baby Carbz’ shirt says, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Kathy reviewed something from the friendly folks at Arc Jap. Or Fake Map.

• A video spliced together from tiny clips of women talking off-screen while we pan over their cupcakes. Eighty percent of Kathy’s video is that, and when the woman the shower is for finally shows up, the video ends right as she’s about to — as far as I can tell — introduce her baby to the camera.

The “K” in “Kerf” stands for “Klassy!”

• No one could doubt Kathy’s commitment to sparkle sandals —

 — while a hungry Bath Matt stared out the window moodily, because hey, I guess getting fed up is at least getting fed, right?

For dinner, he had duck (because Baby Carbz will probably be in college by the time his dad can get duck for dinner again), while she ate cheese balls and patties of beans, rice, and coconut with greens. So, the same exact kind of stuff Kathy tries to make at home all the time, except with no crock pots or wicked, wicked dishes to clean! They also ate some mushrooms and parsnips and had their puny minds blown:

These shrooms were so meaty I couldn’t believe they were a vegetable.

Dude, they’re not even plants. (Also, young lady, you are grounded until you give those stoner kids from the 90s back their lame drug terminology.)

• They ate a cookie at their neighbors’ house.

Speaking of free food, on Friday, Kathy unveiled her latest detailed, nuanced review of a delicious local farm’s product and how she cooked it into something delectable-looking. No, not really. She reviewed bagged, already-chopped pH testing strips of radishes sold at a little store called Walmart. How quaint!

She writes:

I have to say, radishes haven’t always been on my favorite vegetables list. But that is mostly because, while beautiful, the red spheres that come out of the ground are not the easiest to use in the kitchen.

No, it’s because they don’t pair well with buttercream frosting.

Why had I not thought to slice them into sticks before? …You could do this yourself, but the availability of these pre-cut radish sticks will save you lots of time and energy.

How the fuck does the quality of needing to be chopped make something “not the easiest” to use? Kathy can’t bear the thought of going near a nectarine, a carrot, or a scuffin that hasn’t been prepared in bite size. Also, would you really be spending hours a week slaving over a cutting board preparing the week’s radishes if it weren’t for this product? Fruit flies that have a month to live have enough time to chop radishes.

Said radishes came from a food company called Duda, the Spanish word for “doubt,” as in “I doubt Kathy gives a shit where they’re grown or sold as long as she can violate the word ‘crunch’ in a review.” And violate the word “crunch” she does as she  whirls us through the exciting world of putting radishes

• on lettuce: “Love the purple color they brought to a green salad and the extra crunch.”

• in a dry pan with 26 grains of salt and a burning no-meat burger, or as she calls it, “sautée[ing] atop.”

• in a dish she half-assed for a friend’s cookout:

It turned a boring green pile into a colorful, crunchy, gourmet side dish.

Yes, nothing imparts gourmet quality like Walmart provenance.

• on a piece of bread with avocado and cheese:
• subject to the heavy pen of some poor copyeditor, apparently:
Cooked in olive oil and garlic with salt and pepper, radishes amped up basic sautéed spinach served alongside salmon and potatoes and fresh zucchini another night.
What I want to know is, what did that salmon ever do to you, Kathy?

It’s okay. Show us on the doll where Kathy cooked you.

• sneaked to Baby Carbz in cooked form, as though he were the loyal dog in a sitcom gag, eating the spinach the precocious, tiny blond children don’t want.

• in another dish she was trying to pawn off on another unsuspecting friend:

Just a little Greek yogurt, mustard, salt, pepper and paprika turned them into a creamy, crunchy lunch.

And when she means just a little, seriously. The paprika is only visible in subnanometer resolution. Kind of like what seriousness Kathy had about the art and technique of cooking and enjoying food.

165 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 113-114

  1. avatar Can O'Beans says:

    Another recap that had me giggling out loud (which rarely happens when reading/watching anything). So many genius references.

    About the radishes–if she finds radishes difficult (I guess like the herbs that are hard to manage), she really should just admit she doesn’t like/want/know how to cook. She just wants to eat.

    When I studied dietetics we had to learn methods of cooking everything–you know, in the likelihood that we’d be supervising/working with the people who actually did the cooking.

    She really gives RDs a bad name.

    • avatar OMG, a REAL RD, y'alls says:

      x 2!!!!! Her (lack of) expertise infuriates me and brings discredit among all of us.

      • avatar Four Youngers, Three Blogs, Zero Jobs says:

        Maybe Kath is a paid troll to discredit the RD credential so that BigAgra can exert even more influence by promoting GMOs, pesicides, union-busting, etc.?

        Like she’s paid to be incompetent but to simultaneously talk about being an RD so that people will start to connect the two things…

  2. avatar CrunchViolation says:

    I think the only reason Kath eats “real” food is so she can OD on buttercream (like the rest of us normal people, am I right?). You can take the cat out of the ham, but not the ham out of the cat. You’re so normal, Kathy, you can’t even stand it.

  3. avatar Flying Matt and Things says:

    “These shrooms were so meaty I couldn’t believe they were a vegetable.”

    Wait, Kath the RD: mushrooms are a FUNGI.

  4. avatar Albie Quirky says:

    “The red spheres that come out of the ground” ? KERF, you’re blowing your cover as a Lizard Person. “Red spheres emerge from ground, unacceptable, unacceptable! Sweet leguminous butters in jars, acceptable, acceptable! Consume mass quantities, consume mass quantities!”

    This is why she can eat raw buckwheat, she’s got crop stones that grind it up for her.

  5. avatar just say banana says:

    There is something so profoundly wrong about a small, local business owner* promoting WAL MART. Howwww does she still have any readers? How stupid does someone have to be to see how foolish that is? You can’t be an advocate for something (in her case, the “local” movement) while simultaneously promoting its very antithesis (motherfucking WAL MART). This is not rocket science; how can even Kath not see that?

    * I know, I know. But that’s the image she tries to project.

  6. avatar CatBlanket says:

    JFC!!! Is she eating MORE CAKE AND FROSTING!??!? Seriously, without even reviewing her entries I’m thinking she’s had cupcakes/wedding cake/macarons/cookies about 10 times in the last month! Don’t get me wrong, I love me some cake and have no problem with eating it daily if that’s your thing; but how does this possibly jibe with her OMGRD, tiny ballerina, squiggly line bullshit?

  7. avatar Beck says:

    Ok have to delurk to say forget about how disinterested Math looks in the pic…he actually looks like a walking corpse. Am I the only one who sees this? Get thee to a hospital, stat!

    • avatar <-- 3 of my favorite $14 nut butters says:

      At the risk of never being able to post here again, i actually think he looks hot in that pic…for the first time ever…even hotter than Better Matt. It’s the lips.

      Ok. I’ll leave now.

      • avatar jeanpaulfartre says:

        No disrespect. My humble opinion is that he Is hideous.

      • avatar California Mazens says:

        I do not think that matt is actually bad looking. If he weren’t a horrible asshole and it weren’t so well documented, I would find him more attractive than LarbsMatt. But in this photo he just looks so damned pissed off. That can make people hotter at times, but there’s a certain discomfort in this photo, like everyone can see how pissed he is at Kath, except Kath.

        • avatar Max says:

          I sort of think he’s more attractive (relatively) when he looks pissed off? He just doesn’t look like as much of a dunderhead as he does when he’s smiling and holding a loaf.

          • avatar Four Youngers, Three Blogs, Zero Jobs says:

            I don’t know if this has anything to do with it (I’m a straight guy so not sure about attractiveness) but maybe its because he looks like less of a pushover that gets bullied by KERF. Also, he’s not talking and that helps because when he talks it’s out the side of his mouth.

      • avatar CrunchViolation says:

        He’s ok, I guess. Except I don’t know why he bothers getting dressed when he has that HAIR SUIT.

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

        I don’t think he’s completely unattractive, but we’ve seen pictures of him during his Davidson days. The bowlcut, Ugh. It’s hard to forget.
        I still think BetterMatt is hotter. Probably because he’s not starving, and because we don’t know too much about him to warrant ‘asshole’ status. And I don’t get the impression he likes the Younger-Smugsons very much.

      • avatar Kerf your enthusiasm says:

        A fellow smugnommer and I visited GH for lunch last week. BathMatt chatted us up quite a bit. He’s a huge tool, but he’s a huge tool with beautiful eyes. They are bright and blue and pretty amazing! We wondered if Kath photoshops them to be dull!

        His blue eyes did, however, only distract us so long. Then we were accosted with a huge slice of way-too-nutty bread and Matt’s black anklets with clogs paired with cargo shorts.

    • avatar Buttercream with a side of cake says:

      Yeah, I’m not seeing all the anger or fed-uppedness that others see. All I’m getting is Matt consciously trying to make it seem like he didn’t know the camera was out. Like, look at me, I’m so lost in a deep, deep thought, I’m so nonchalant and casual, that even though all my wife ever fucking does is take photos for her blog, I have no idea she’s taking one now.

    • avatar Cuntalina Hittler says:

      Look at how his arm is blocking his body from Kath. Pretty tepid body language for a date night, even for a long-term couple with a kid.

      I wonder if that glass of wine was for both of them?

  8. avatar Unadjusted Monitor says:

    Kath doesn’t mention it, but those radish mini-sticks are from Duda Farm Fresh Foods, which NPR featured a couple months ago in a story on field worker shortages in the United States. The company apparently can’t find enough domestic workers willing to perform “back-breaking labor” for less than a living wage — and the company’s unwilling to invest in machines that do the same work — so it has to resort to hiring undocumented workers. It turns out that even those workers are becoming less willing to take those jobs, though. What’s a poor, poor subsidiary of a diversified land company with consolidated gross revenues of $425 million in FY2010 to do?

    • avatar katzenfrau says:

      Wow. Just wow.

    • avatar Gran PeePaw and the Plum Smugglers says:


    • avatar Max says:

      I really, really want someone to post this in her comments.

    • avatar kuku4kerfapuffs says:

      I was in the produce industry years ago and actually locked lips in an ill-fated tryst with one Andy Duda. The company has a really cool product if you like Bloody Marys…..Celery straws! But dear Kathy would really have to have her head way, way up her ass or intentionally look away to not know what the Duda Company is. It’s the very anti-thesis of any local or organic movement. She’s such a hypocrite!

    • avatar Four Youngers, Three Blogs, Zero Jobs says:

      They also spray a preservative on shredded radish and carrots to help it have a longer shelf life and uniform appearance.

      That’s why my wife and I never buy shredded carrots/radishes or those carrot sticks.

      And I agree, the big farms that supply Walmart work very hard to bust unions up and down the supply chain – not just the people doing the work in the fields, but the processors, the packers, the truck drivers, etc. Gross.

      Good job Kath!!!1

  9. avatar jeanpaulfartre says:

    Bathmmat has a new job. Looks like he left the old one. Auschwitz sommalier.

    • avatar Gran PeePaw and the Plum Smugglers says:

      Your name! Dead. I am now dead.

      • avatar jean paul fartre says:

        Yeah…it’s a real gas. Thank you. Are you truly dead or just more of a zombie unread typo thing? Though it just struck me not to make a gas pun after a concentration camp reference. Egads I’m a dolt.

  10. avatar Ramen Mazen says:

    Ahoy hams, I was in Cville yesterday and saw Great Harvest Bread Co. But did not have the desire to go inside. It is in a very funky shopping center up on a hill. Hard to get to. Did not see Matthole at the market. Either, they were just breaking it up. Or did he get kicked out?

    • avatar Newbie says:

      He’s probably out of town. AGAIN. Since he wasn’t at Fridays After Five with Kath. I caught her shooting pics with her parents in tow.

      • avatar ratherbeinmelbourne says:

        If Matt is away for a day or two, does Kath ever stay home alone with Tahir Tufts, or does she always call in reinforcements?

    • avatar BaconatedGrapefruit says:

      Ahoy! Thank you for visiting our town and not supporting the fakery. :) Did you go to any good restaurants?

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      Well, I guess Clarice and her mom decided to venture in:

      Clarice July 1, 2013 at 9:44 am
      Hi Kath! I don’t normally comment, but my Mother and I stopped by your store last Thursday while we were in Charlottesville and fell in love! The girl working there gave us so many delicious samples that we had a hard time deciding. We ended up getting a whole bunch of goodies, including the Cville crunch granola, which is amazing!! It was so neat finally seeing the store in person after reading about it on your blog for so long!

      KathEats July 1, 2013 at 1:17 pm
      So so glad!! Wish I could have been there to greet you!

  11. avatar Yana says:

    Oh that pic. Look, if he is pissed, I’d get it. Convinced of the economic viability of the Great harvest model by having worked in one, here he is now, struggling (like the two GH owners I know also are). The product he is peddling is the brainchild of a 1970′s notion of healthy eating – the Diet for a Small Planet or Claire’s Corner Copia view of health – all whole grains and honey, which is at best outdated, and at worst is proven wrong. His clients have some vague (or perhaps specific) notion about wheat (and/or sugar) and its effect on health, and frankly, if you think that bread makes you fat and you intend to have a splurge one day, it will probably be with a croissant or a cake rather than some sad 7-grain bread loaded with signature honey flavor. And the one person in his life who might have seen this coming, his RD wife, has her head so far up her ass that the only temperature she is capable of gauging is her own.

    Really, I’d almost feel sorry for him if he weren’t on the record as being such an insufferable asshole. If only he treated his clients and critics with respect and care as opposed to taking that superior tone.

    • avatar Bread Blow Job says:

      Well said. That photo of him screams “Take me away to the sweet mushroom palace, my friend booze.”

    • avatar Four Youngers, Three Blogs, Zero Jobs says:

      This is very well said w/r/t the GH product and KathMatt’s failure to understand changing eating habits and tastes. We all have some strong opinions but most of us second guess ourselves at key junctures in life. It should be said again that Kath & Matt ended up as GH “owners” (w/ Karen) only becacuse Matt was jobless for the better part of a year and Kath made him get a job. The job turned out to be GH in Charlotte. I remember posts talking about how he’d wake up at 4 or 5am, go in to bake, and be finsihed in the early afternoon. The idea of being finished work everyday by that time and closing up shop at 6pm at the latest probably appealed to them. The difference is, when you are the _owners_, everything is on you. It’s no longer _really_ a job where you close up at 5 or 6pm. You need to make contacts, cheerlead for your store, go to conferences to expand your knowledge of new products and services in your industry, etc. Kath and Matt are complacent, they have a franchise and have to do a lot of things through GH. IMO, that business model is a disaster unless the brand name is really strong enough to drive traffic to you. McDonalds/Subway/Starbucks are good examples, but within the bread segment you also have names like Au Bon Pain, Pret a Manger, and Le Pain Quotidien. If you’re not really getting exceptional back end support or marketing, WTF are you paying franchise fees for? Why are you kicking up 6% of gross revenues?

      I think GH was an ill considered decision that resulted from Kath & Matt not having any real “skin in the game”. They didn’t work and save the money – hell, they were 7-8 yrs out of college at the time and neither had ever worked a Real Job with Real Responsibilities. Neither is ambitious, neither has a really pleasant personality, neither seems shrewd. They basically got sold by GH and they got Karen to plunk down the money. What a disaster. Sorry about your money, Karen. You were right about KERF, btw.

  12. avatar Bread Blow Job says:

    I’m trying not to be cruel, but is that pregnant gal missing her teeth? Unnerving.

  13. avatar perilsofpauline says:

    In this morning’s Lately post, Kath includes one picture of the market at a distance with this brief decription:

    “The new UVA farmer’s market at Grove Street (behind the hospital) is great! Great Harvest is there, and so are a lot of my favorite vendors.”

    She doesn’t elaborate on what she ate or purchased while at the market which is kind of unusual for her. Can any local hamladies provide any details? Did the entire market move to a new location or are there two markets now?

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