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KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 113-114

Kathy, who consumes things that exist, had to take a break in between writing her two-part post about her weekend. Obviously. You can’t cram baby shower cupcakes, a 7-mile magazine walk, a visit to the farmers’ market, “date night,” and

many hours crawling around on the floor playing <3

into a single post. This is some epic, intermission-requiring, “Gone With The Wind,” Full-House-two-part-wedding-cliffhanger content:

• Not only did she bring corn AND beans to that Sit on the Lawn For Free and Eat thing they do, she also brought bread. And there was basil in the corn-beans and spinach in the bread. That’s practically turducken levels of complicated.

• A market triptych of faceless man lurching just out of the frame, disembodied elbow, and woman who just wanted to pick up some anpan and pie and can’t remember where she parked the damn car.

• A meatless patty in a sandwich that appears to be falling to pieces before our eyes.

Yes, Kathy, we understand it’s exciting to bring the look of a molded-aluminum diner table to your fingertips, but pull yourself together. Also, it’s not entirely clear what Baby Carbz’ shirt says, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Kathy reviewed something from the friendly folks at Arc Jap. Or Fake Map.

• A video spliced together from tiny clips of women talking off-screen while we pan over their cupcakes. Eighty percent of Kathy’s video is that, and when the woman the shower is for finally shows up, the video ends right as she’s about to — as far as I can tell — introduce her baby to the camera.

The “K” in “Kerf” stands for “Klassy!”

• No one could doubt Kathy’s commitment to sparkle sandals —

 — while a hungry Bath Matt stared out the window moodily, because hey, I guess getting fed up is at least getting fed, right?

For dinner, he had duck (because Baby Carbz will probably be in college by the time his dad can get duck for dinner again), while she ate cheese balls and patties of beans, rice, and coconut with greens. So, the same exact kind of stuff Kathy tries to make at home all the time, except with no crock pots or wicked, wicked dishes to clean! They also ate some mushrooms and parsnips and had their puny minds blown:

These shrooms were so meaty I couldn’t believe they were a vegetable.

Dude, they’re not even plants. (Also, young lady, you are grounded until you give those stoner kids from the 90s back their lame drug terminology.)

• They ate a cookie at their neighbors’ house.

Speaking of free food, on Friday, Kathy unveiled her latest detailed, nuanced review of a delicious local farm’s product and how she cooked it into something delectable-looking. No, not really. She reviewed bagged, already-chopped pH testing strips of radishes sold at a little store called Walmart. How quaint!

She writes:

I have to say, radishes haven’t always been on my favorite vegetables list. But that is mostly because, while beautiful, the red spheres that come out of the ground are not the easiest to use in the kitchen.

No, it’s because they don’t pair well with buttercream frosting.

Why had I not thought to slice them into sticks before? …You could do this yourself, but the availability of these pre-cut radish sticks will save you lots of time and energy.

How the fuck does the quality of needing to be chopped make something “not the easiest” to use? Kathy can’t bear the thought of going near a nectarine, a carrot, or a scuffin that hasn’t been prepared in bite size. Also, would you really be spending hours a week slaving over a cutting board preparing the week’s radishes if it weren’t for this product? Fruit flies that have a month to live have enough time to chop radishes.

Said radishes came from a food company called Duda, the Spanish word for “doubt,” as in “I doubt Kathy gives a shit where they’re grown or sold as long as she can violate the word ‘crunch’ in a review.” And violate the word “crunch” she does as she  whirls us through the exciting world of putting radishes

• on lettuce: “Love the purple color they brought to a green salad and the extra crunch.”

• in a dry pan with 26 grains of salt and a burning no-meat burger, or as she calls it, “sautée[ing] atop.”

• in a dish she half-assed for a friend’s cookout:

It turned a boring green pile into a colorful, crunchy, gourmet side dish.

Yes, nothing imparts gourmet quality like Walmart provenance.

• on a piece of bread with avocado and cheese:
Cruuuuunch!
• subject to the heavy pen of some poor copyeditor, apparently:
Cooked in olive oil and garlic with salt and pepper, radishes amped up basic sautéed spinach served alongside salmon and potatoes and fresh zucchini another night.
What I want to know is, what did that salmon ever do to you, Kathy?

It’s okay. Show us on the doll where Kathy cooked you.

• sneaked to Baby Carbz in cooked form, as though he were the loyal dog in a sitcom gag, eating the spinach the precocious, tiny blond children don’t want.

• in another dish she was trying to pawn off on another unsuspecting friend:

Just a little Greek yogurt, mustard, salt, pepper and paprika turned them into a creamy, crunchy lunch.

And when she means just a little, seriously. The paprika is only visible in subnanometer resolution. Kind of like what seriousness Kathy had about the art and technique of cooking and enjoying food.


165 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 113-114



  1. avatar might as well face it, I'm addicted to smug... says:

    She can’t bear to cut up some F*CKING radishes?! Says they’re not “the easiest to use in the kitchen?”
    Wait…radishes?! Is this real life?
    I made dinner for myself the other night while my kid was away with his grampy, my husband was riding his bike, and my my baby was in a particularly good mood…
    I completely blew up in my kitchen in the name of cooking a delicious farro/quinoa pilaf that involved cooking an ear of corn, making some pesto (in the food processor…GASP), and chopping up a few fresno peppers and FOUR actual CLOVES of garlic…guess what? I “dirtied” two separate pots to cook the farro and quinoa and then I “dirtied” (used, Kath…I *used*) yet another pan to saute veggies, deglaze with chicken stock, and add my cooked grains to throw together a delicious f*cking pilaf.
    And THEN I “dirtied” a second cutting board because I decided to enjoy a little cheese and rosemary crackers while everything stayed warm in that third dirty pan…and then I drank a beer because it was Wednesday and I knew after a delicious f*cking solo meal and cold beer, I’d happily leave all that mess til the next morning.
    Yes, this comment is a disaster.
    That’s why I don’t write a “food” blog.

    Poor little troublesome radishes.

    • avatar katzenfrau says:

      Preach!

      That sounds FANTASTIC. Let me share what I did on Thursday. Inspired (if you can call it that) by the horror of the Meat Stones, I dirtied the following items in order to produce Actual Meatballs:

      - 1 cutting board
      - 4 bowls
      - 2 knives
      - 1 pot
      - several spoons
      - 1 garlic press

      It took me about 4.5 minutes to throw all that shit in the dishwasher and then wipe down the stove/counter afterwards. And the meatballs were delicious! (just over a pound of ground beef&pork, 3 garlic cloves, 1 cup of parmesan cheese, 1 cup bread crumbs soaked in milk, 2 eggs, assorted chopped herbs, salt, and cooked in a tomato sauce that basically consisted of canned tomatoes and a stick of butter.)

      This whole comment is really just me procrastinating on coming up with something interesting to say about radishes. I got nothin’. You clean them, you eat them, end of story. If you’re really motivated you can spend 40 seconds chopping them up and putting them in your salad for extra ccccccrunch. It’s really not that hard.

      • avatar Bonanza Jellybean says:

        I don’t like the taste of radishes, but my husband does. When he gets them, he cleans them, chops them in quarters and stores them with a little water in the fridge so he can use them throughout the week. Done. Takes him about five minutes.

        • avatar Gimlet says:

          Actually, all this radish talk has me craving a little salad of butter lettuce, avocado, radish and a little yougurt dressing. She’s such a dipshit she can’t even realize radishes provide some of the spicy bite that her onion phobia robs her of.

      • avatar Porn Bacon who used to be Overpriced Nut Butter says:

        I won a radish curler at a recent Tupperware party. I could mail it to Kathy if small vegetables confound her that match.

        • avatar Expat A.Broad says:

          I love that people still have Tupperware parties and that Tupperware still makes weird kitchen gadgets that no one needs like radish curlers.

          It’s not surprising that Kath sold out for free radishes. She seems pathologically unable to turn down anything offered to her for free,
          But if she keeps writing inauthentic reviews of things the average person doesn’t give a shit about, (I mean come ON, radishes are not a popular vegetable because they taste like dirt to most people and nothing Kath says is going to make people run out to Wal-mart and buy them. They are like the Grape Nuts of the vegetable world.) her “business” is going to continue to suffer. It’s just common sense.

          Step away from the free stuff Kath. Just because it’s free doesn’t make it good.

        • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

          But you probably have to clean the radish curler. So we’ve obviously hit a problem.

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

        Your meatballs don’t have onions. May I ask why?

        • avatar katzenfrau says:

          My palate is very delicate.

          Actually, the onions were in the sauce! (disclaimer: I am not Italian, and i apologize if any nonnas roll in their graves as a result of my recipe!)

    • avatar Sandy Duncan's Glass Eye says:

      Although we didn’t cook radishes this week (and what’s the point of getting pre-chopped, dried out radishes? They lose all the bite, AND they don’t even come with the greens), we did cook… A DUCK. A whole, gloriously moist, dark-meat, crispy-skinned duck. There were lots of ingredients (because of course Julia Child led us in our endeavors) and it was easy to do, and at the end of the day all our “dirty” pans meant we ate an entire duck in about 20 minutes, for probably about the cost of Matth’s entree. Oh, plus some green stuff on the side.
      Whole bird, some plants… damn, I guess it was “real food,” even. I never even noticed how restricted we were.

  2. avatar TheOtherOne says:

    I’m not usually the type of person to literally LOL, but “Show us on the doll where Kathy cooked you”….there was snorting

  3. avatar katzenfrau says:

    The date night photos of Matt depress me so much. It’s so weird that she would post those when he looks so miserable/annoyed/bored/tense. I would not post photos like that if my aim were to convince the world that my date night was WHEEEE OMG FUNNNNN!

    • avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

      Great minds (see below) ;)

    • avatar pineapple head says:

      I’m guessing these pics are him looking the least miserable/annoyed/bored/tense/disinterested. I’m sure there are ones where he is glaring at her and giving her the finger.

    • avatar HB says:

      Really sad. He looks like he’s about a minute away from telling her it’s over. Why would you post a pic like that?

      • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

        Wow. That man is thinking some dark, dark thoughts. That’s not just being bored or ticked off at the camera. I hope he spotted the Cville Commissioner in charge of Street Repair Scheduling across the room or something, because if that look has anything to do with his wife, holy cow. I do think Kath has that condition where you can’t read emotion on human faces, because I’m with you–how can she not see that, to the point of publishing it as a wheeee! date night picture?

        • avatar katzenfrau says:

          That’s the only explanation I can think of. Well, that, or she didn’t even notice matt in the photo because…uh…ok I don’t know. Because it was a photo of wine?

          Yeah. No. The not-recognizing-emotions thing has to be it.

          • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

            Looking at the picture seriously gives me that horrible bottoming-out feeling you get in your stomach when you see some really ugly behavior between strangers and can’t get away fast enough.

          • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

            To me, he looks more derpy than anything.

      • avatar Who am I again? says:

        I dunno, to me he looks like he’s feeling superior to, or has just been condescending toward, someone. I keep looking at it looking for the “it’s over” or “ready to snap” vibe, and all I see is a “damn it’s good to be me” vibe.

        I wish I could think of a word that accurately describes what I see and is not “smug,” but unfortunately…

        • avatar Who am I again? says:

          NB: If his mouth were closed, then maybe. But his mouth is partway open so he’s either in the middle of talking to her about something, or he’s a mouthbreather. Could go either way, I guess. But aside from his facial expression, his body language, to me, shows a HUGE sense of entitlement/superiority.

        • avatar perilsofpauline says:

          Arrogance. I see pure arrogance when I look at that picture of Matth.

    • avatar TrailMixer says:

      He’s deep, guys, DEEP. He’s thinking thoughts few of us can comprehend.

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

        He’s thinking thoughts beyond Kierkegaard’s wildest imaginings. Because that’s what Kierkegaard did. He imagined shit.

        • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

          Oh, was he a philosophy major in college? That explains just about everything. Every philosophy major I ever met was a total dickweed.

          • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

            Toppin’s Galore,I am hurt! :) I almost completed a minor in Philosophy before some dingbat classmate said “everything happens for a reason.” I had to leave the department after that term to avoid so many more dingbats
            Matthole majored in Anthropology, IIRC. Regardless of his major,he was, is and will always be a dickweed.

          • avatar Trudy Beekman says:

            Oh man, I was a philosophy major. I loved it but I almost switched majors my senior year because 90% of the other people in the department were completely insufferable and I was tired of listening to them stroke their own academia-cocks in every discussion section. So yeah, I see what you’re saying.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Rhodesian Sailor and Trudy, I am sorry to have hurt your feelings. Perhaps I should explain–back in the day, I was acquainted with a guy who had a degree in philosophy and lived in his mother’s basement while running role playing games in the living room on weekends. Anyhoo, back when Mike Tyson was getting out of jail, I was ranting about how this idiot was going to get boxing deals and make a whompload of money, and how I couldn’t understand why anybody would pay good money to watch a convicted rapist beat somebody up, and this dickweed kept honking, “But he paid his debt to society, what’s the big deal?”

            Anyway, I stand corrected re: Matth’s major. I agree his dickweediness is independent of his educational background.

          • avatar Gran PeePaw and the Plum Smugglers says:

            Dickweed is my new favorite term.

          • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

            I was a philosophy major and I’m kind of a jerk about Kath on smugnom, but I’m actually a pretty nice person everywhere else in my life. That said, I know that’s not what you meant and no harm done.

          • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

            An ex-boyfriend majored in Philosophy (he was working in graphic design when we dated) and had the audacity to call himself a Marxist sympathetic to free trade. We broke up shortly thereafter, after he and his fraternity brothers went to a strip club, ironically,he said. Dickweed.
            Back to snark!

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Paulie, perhaps I should have phrased: “Every philosophy major I have met in real life (not on the Interwebs) has been a dickweed.” Honestly, everyone here on Smugnom is cool. I would never have known you majored in philosophy if you hadn’t told me. ;)

          • avatar FUNNNNNNNN says:

            “had the audacity to call himself a Marxist sympathetic to free trade. We broke up shortly thereafter, after he and his fraternity brothers went to a strip club, ironically,he said.”

            I am REELING from all the feelings this just gave me! Why have so many of us dated this guy?

        • avatar katzenfrau says:

          Kierkegaard was a total bread head.

          • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

            and an elite athlete.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
            Who was very rarely stable.
            Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
            Who could think you under the table.
            David Hume could out-consume
            Schopenhauer and Hegel,
            And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
            Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

            There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya’
            ‘Bout the raising of the wrist.

            SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED…

            John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
            On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
            Plato, they say, could stick it away;
            Half a crate of whiskey every day.
            Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
            Hobbes was fond of his dram,
            And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: “I drink, therefore I am”
            Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
            A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he’s pissed!

            -courtesy Monty Python :)

    • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

      I’d look pissed off, too, if random radishes kept making their way into every frakking meal at home. He was probably breathing a sigh of relief that he’d gotten away from them for a bit, even if it meant he had to take Kath with him.

    • avatar TrailMixer says:

      This is the type of photo that I would surreptitiously take of my 20 year old son. Which he would then have a good laugh about and post it as his FB profile as a joke.

  4. avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

    I said it yesterday (day before?), but the photo of bathmatt really does say a thousand words, no? If I was on a “date” with my huscat and saw that pic later/ the next day I would honestly have a sit down about if there’s anything he needs to tell me. I mean, not to beat a dead horse (too late), but that man looks Miserable. Yanno, except when he was at a wedding during which he needn’t bother with his shrew wife. Then, he looked at least *half* joyful…

    • avatar ARealScienceNerd says:

      He also looks genuinely happy when he is holding his child. Kathy should think deeply about the big difference in expression when Matt is with her versus the baby or his friends…

    • avatar watchmefall says:

      Dude needs to grow a pair. Not everything in their life needs to be documented. If you want a date night, have a date night but leave the damn camera at home.

      • avatar Kerf your enthusiasm says:

        It is so sad that she asks him to take step stool pictures on their date night. Why not take a selfie of the two of them? Or…I don’t know…talk to each other and leave the camera at home?

        • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

          Silly catlady. Everyone knows if you didn’t photograph it, it didn’t really happen.

          • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

            Except for the picture of Matthole smothering Habibi Holy Cross in the carrier. It’s been wiped.

  5. avatar BeanyMalone says:

    I can’t believe she thinks radishes are difficult. And the C’ville farmers market she claims to love so much has tons of lovely fresh radishes, but no, let’s all drive to the Walmart in Gordonsville (45 minutes from C’ville).

    Unrelated to radishes, but Kath’s response to this comment is funny. “Medical professionals.” You don’t say!

    M Baker June 28, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Since you know about nutrition, maybe you can answer a question for me. You post so often about drinking, and every time, I ask myself this question:

    If you are nursing, how can you drink alcohol? I understood that it went into the milk, and thus into the baby. I have tried looking it up, but maybe you could enlighten me as to your point of view.

    Otherwise, interesting post. Thanks, Maria

    Reply

    19 KathEats June 28, 2013 at 11:30 am

    Medical professionals have told me that drinking moderately is fine. Very, very little alcohol gets to the milk.

    • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

      “Hi, everybody!”

      “Hi, Doctor Nick!”

      • avatar Porn Bacon who used to be Overpriced Nut Butter says:

        The red thing’s connected to my.. wristwatch!

        Lulzed so hard at Dr Nick. Actually, there is another Dr Nick quote that suits her royal tightarse perfectly- (Call 1900-Doctorb) The B is for bargain!

          • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

            omg that’s perfect, thank you. And the cupcakes with buttercream are in exactly the same place as in Kath’s diet!

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Except does Kath ever eat chocolate? I’m thinking I’ve never seen her enjoy chocolate the way other HLBers do. Weird, because dark chocolate would give her all those antioxidants and such that RDs go on about.

    • avatar Trudy Beekman says:

      Do you think the “medical professional” she is referring to is herself? After all, she is an RD, y’all!

      • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

        Maybe she put in a call to CaitlinHTP’s British pseudo-doctor husband. He’s British, you know, and a doctor, so would know alllll about those things.

  6. avatar lady says:

    totally bored this am, checked the instagram….she must be reading Hams, she posted pics with friends twice.

  7. avatar watchmefall says:

    Radishes atop avocado, cheese and bread…just no.

    And also, I can’t imagine how tacky her entire hand looks with those nail decals. Of course, they do match her sparkly cork sandals.

    • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

      Radishes with avocado are really good, if they’re in a salad (watercress,especially) but with cheese and bread, NO.NEVER.

      • avatar krat says:

        Oh. I ate a thick slice of multigrain toast with avocado and paper-thin slices of fresh radish just this morning, and I thought it was wonderful.

        • avatar Can O'Beans says:

          I love chopped radishes on tacos.

          • avatar Rhodesian Sailor says:

            YES. I don’t like raw white onion very much, and I usually load up my tacos with pickled red onions and carrots anyway but radishes, I am in heaven.
            Also,radishes on pozole, (Mexican stew with hominy)

    • avatar StaceyMcGill says:

      With that exhaustive list of all the amazing uses for pre-sliced radishes, I’m surprised snazzy applique radish nail art didn’t make the cut.

    • avatar If she only had a brain says:

      My grandpa used to eat sliced radishes on white bread with butter. It is surprisingly good. Now I add them to turkey and cheese sandwiches….

      • avatar World O' Gluten says:

        Agreed. Paper-thin radish slices, good bread, butter, and perhaps a little watercress is a sandwich I would kiss a pig for.

  8. avatar SalmonellaCasserella says:

    Kath looks like a frumpy, poorly-dressed wax figurine in all of her photos. Someone really loves the Gaussian blur.

    • avatar Anonymous says:

      I’ve thought the same thing! She looks so blurry I always thing there is something wrong with my contacts/glasses.

  9. avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

    Never stop blogging, Kath. The world needs your unintentional humor. PS, I lived for the Full House wedding.
    tumblr_m050ttMuk31qcwph1o1_500.gif

  10. avatar Shazaam says:

    Oh Conch I can’t help but think the Donnie Darko Sparkle Motion reference was just for me so that I would love you even more. Well played.

  11. avatar pauliewalnutts says:

    Oh Conch. Fruit flies that have a month to live have enough time to chop radishes, and ‘turducken levels of complicated.’ And I love the analysis of the market triptych. I finally realized that her grotesquely Photoshopped self-portraits remind me of Cindy Sherman. The plastic glow skin filters, the warped and liquified proportions, the artificial angle and perspective, the ludicrous slashes of blush. Creating a character who is somehow familiar, but so off-putting and exaggerated that the image disturbs you for a long time after you’ve viewed it. It’s all art, and it’s brilliant.

    • avatar Albie Quirky says:

      Jesus, maybe this whole thing is Cindy Sherman’s longest art project. “Smuggest Woman in the World,” a show by Cindy Sherman….

    • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

      Yes, that’s the one I was thinking of! There are so many other great ones too. Kath is the preeminent muse of our time.

    • avatar VomCity says:

      That’s exactly the one I thought of as I read PW’s comment!

    • avatar KERFETUS says:

      I laughed so hard at this my huscat looked up, asked, “Are you reading the trolls?” (which is what we lovingly call my Smugnom habit), and I had to turn the laptop to show him the Sherman photo because we went to an exhibit of her photos sometime last year.

      No, wait, I’m sorry. We viewed an exhibit which was shown. There. That’s better.

  12. avatar churton bear just pleasured me says:

    She menstruates radish roses. And then photoshops her Michelin man arms between buttercream homph gomphs.

  13. avatar The Free Mazens says:

    From the radish post:

    Shannon June 28, 2013 at 9:26 pm
    Those radishes look great, but unfortunately I just can’t bring myself to shop at Walmart. Between their union busting activities, gender discrimination, labor law violations, and sweat-shop clothing, it just isn’t the type of company I can support. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a perfect consumer by any means; in fact, in the society we live in it is pretty much impossible to do no harm, but I try my hardest to be mindful of the things I support with my money and think about the people’s lives who are impacted. I have had a couple of friends who worked at Walmart, and they have horror stories about the place. Not to get too serious, it’s just that my Pop was president of our local APWU for years and it is kind of an important subject to me!

    Your salads always look so interesting and diverse! Yummy!

    That “Yummy!” at the end just kills me. Shockingly, Kath has yet to respond.

    • avatar Unadjusted Monitor says:

      You know how people on message boards sometimes add “This is an extra line” to a post when the board has a minimum post length requirement? The last line of Shannon’s comment is the KERF-land version of that.



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