foodsmug, recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 111-112

On Saturday, Kathy dragged her family to the grand opening — no, wait, I’m sorry. I want to be accurate. They went to

a cupcake + sweets celebration grand opening of highest quality

for a cupcake shop a tenth of a mile from that other one she goes to get buttercream shooters and huff frosting. Presumably because this new place was totally like, oh Kathy, how can we possibly consider ourselves a proper business without a blessing from Charlottesville’s most famous franchise bakery-affiliated food diarist with a functioning womb?

I didn’t know what to expect, so when I walked in to see trays of cupcakes in every corner I nearly fainted with excitement.

See, this actually makes sense. For her. This is the same woman who, tasked with bringing food to a lady who had just given birth, split a pot of soup with her. The same woman who put on a “low country boil” for 50 people with only like three and a half shrimp among them, expecting some kind of Hannukath miracle that the keg would just keep pouring sausage and potatoes without end.

Of course, she is still admitting that, at the grand opening of a cupcake shop, she wasn’t expecting to see… cupcakes. She’s either the most pedestrian of thinkers or the most avant-garde.

But I asked for heroin.

Okay. “Pedestrian” it is:

Pearl’s feels like a darling bakery from yesteryear in the most charming way possible. I felt a little like one of the women in Mad Men surrounded by pastels and a vintage flair.

The sad thing isn’t that she finds some aspirational qualities of escapism in “Mad Men.” It’s that they’re probably summed up by the episode on twilight sleep births.

Gosh, Kathy. Tell us what kinds of cupcakes you had.

Champagne with Champagne Frosting \\ Black and White \\ Raspberry \\ Chocolate Mint \\ Mocha \\ Lemon with lemon curd … Plus other fun bites like the most colorful macarons I’ve ever seen

Some of them were “stuffed,” which made them “extra special.” Stuffed with what? I’m going to guess PCP, gummy bears, and crock pot information, because she doesn’t say or maybe she does and I’m too transfixed by the fingernail growing out of its very stick-on as we watch her go “halvsies with Matt.”**

Nail stickies now available in Florida Assisted Living Community Mirrored Bathroom Gold Leaf, for “vintage flair.”

Also because she has feelings about choosing which shared cupcake she liked best:

I’m not sure I could name a favorite because I’m sure it would change depending on my mood, but I really liked the mint and the champagne.

She tried some gluten-free and vegan cupcakes as well, in addition to the “halvsies” of six cupcakes above,

for research purposes. Obviously.

and decided that who cares what the gluten-containing or the gluten-free ones tasted like because who the fuck doesn’t eat them just for the frosting? and that the vegan ones might be good “for anyone who doesn’t want to eat butter.”

Uh huh. Those and undisclosed “savory foods” ended up being dinner, which I guess balanced out the fact that she had recently eaten/was about to consume the subject of Wednesday’s post, on so-called “meatballs”:

Kathy starts by talking about her mom, menopause blogger Buzz, and the deep and abiding sadnesses of her life — a natural segue to any of Kathy’s collections of ingredients:

…one of her regrets from her early days of motherhood was not making enough of her dinners in advance … to make the dinnertime witching hour easier…

So in addition to defrosting chicken sitting all day over canned beans, we have the sequel: “funky looking” balls of ground beef stuffed with herbs, “spinach packed in for more nutrients and greens” and bread for a — I shit you not — “bready flavor” and “a fresh, bready taste.”

If you’re looking for classic, tender meatballs, these are not them.

Oh thank goodness. The last thing I would want to encounter online is a delicious recipe.* Phew. All the grass-fed beef from Dave Matthews’ ranch, “local eggs,” farmer’s market zucchini —

— pictured here in a scene from the obscure opera “Meat and Squash, In the Twilight of Their Years, Consider Looming Mortality” won’t make it so. Especially since she cooked the whole-wheat spaghetti ahead of time because she so didn’t want to clean up after dinner. Presumably it too was stored all day alongside its meat counterpart in food purgatory, Kathy’s fridge:

This is a fridge that invites questions: Where the fuck is everything? Nineteen-year-old boys who have never cooked a day in their lives have more food in their fridges the day they plug them in. And why is the crisper full of a sweater you stuffed in a bag from an overpriced gift shop in the Phoenix airport? Anyway, these 20 meatballs are supposedly “seasoned” by, in total, one teaspoon of salt, half a teaspoon of pepper, ONE clove of garlic or jarred bullshit, and a tiny third of a cup of chopped herbs. Has anyone suggested to sister Larbs that her missing twenties may be in the Younger-Smugson spice rack? I’m pretty sure no one’s ever checked.

*Kathy’s meatballs do have one thing going for them, and that’s the ability to turn into ancient stars collapsing on themselves and bending mass and time in the process. They are cooked “until tops are brown and middle is ton per a meat thermometer.”

**Worst NPR show ever.

401 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Posts 111-112

  1. avatar KERFETUS says:

    The things she chooses to fib about are so goddamn random. “I didn’t know there would be cupcakes in a cupcake shop, but then I ate nine of them for dinner!” The fuck, what’s that now? I’d say she isn’t even trying anymore, but I think she’s just such a bad writer that instead of knowing how else to express excitement about buttercream, she feigns shock that it exists. Just admit you planned to eat the dessert buffet for dinner, Kath. No one needs to be above that. I can assure you I’m not. It’s what I think adulthood is all about: the ability to occasionally do whatever the hell I want to my body, just because I can. I can binge on anything I like! And it’s ok. We all do it, and no one here needs to eat sugared fishy skin tags on honeyed greens the next day to feel better. Be one with us. I bet you’d like it way more.

    • avatar katzenfrau says:

      Haha! You’re so right. But the mental image of her being totally shocked to find cupcakes in a cupcake shop is pretty priceless.

      • avatar Porn Bacon who used to be Overpriced Nut Butter says:

        That image filled my head as soon as I read it. What was she expecting to find at a cupcake store? Drills?

        I’d totally eat a champagne cupcake, though.

        • avatar Younger & Younger says:

          There is a fantastic bakery in Los Olivos, CA called enjoycupcakes. They bake cupcakes and have them at Sarloos and Sons (wine tasting) for wine flights and cupcake tastings that match the flavors of the wine (pear/chardonnay, chocolate blackberry syrah, tequila lime, etc.) It is heavenly and I drunkenly dessert-buffeted it up when I went there and would do it again in a heartbeat. ZERO shame.

    • avatar BooYouWhore says:

      I imagine her true shock and pleasure was that they were free.

  2. avatar katzenfrau says:

    The thing I find most astonishing about this post is that there is a whole shop devoted to selling tiny baked goods. How much are they charging per macaron that they can afford to pay their rent?

    Nothing about that shop says Mad Men to me.

    The meatballs are predictably disgusting. It’s like everything she makes comes down to one basic taste/texture: BREAD. Witness: “French toast” reimagined as a piece of bread with egg on it. Meatballs whose best quality is their breadiness (WTF???????) Oatmeal with bread on it. Salad with bread on it. Bread bread bread bread bread.

    I need to make real meatballs tonight. We already had ground beef once this week but I don’t care…this aggression against edible food will not stand, man!

    • avatar Porn Bacon who used to be Overpriced Nut Butter says:

      Who looks for ‘breadiness’ as a quality in their meat dishes? She really has no idea why people put bread in meatballs, does she? So she just made up her own stupid stupid reason instead.

    • avatar Buttercream with a side of cake says:

      Yup, trust Kath to turn a glorious ball of beef into a carb.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      Fight the good fight!
      With the staggering amount of bread they consume, I can’t imagine what beasties live in the GI tracts of these two. How uncomfortable.

    • avatar HB says:

      The French toast I side-eyed as I am not of French decent. But as an Italian, those “meatballs” get an oh HELL no! I need to make my grandma’s recipe tonight just to get the thought of those out of my head.

      • avatar Max says:

        We’re vegetarians, so I don’t have much experience with meatballs made of actual meat, but the Mark Bittman vegetarian equivalent (meatless balls? bean balls?) that I make look more authentic (and edible) than hers do. Man.

      • avatar TheOtherOne says:

        I made my Nonna’s recipe the other day and when I read this entry, I ate one for mother fucking breakfast.

    • avatar Gluten-Free Cat Lady says:

      I made gluten-free meatballs that have more flavor and texture than that. It’s like she’s punishing her body for its need for food.

  3. avatar blogarella says:

    When I saw the ‘bready’ meatballs and precooked pasta had no sauce…

    • avatar BeanyMalone says:

      This is my favorite gif ever.

      I was so horrified by the meatballs themselves, I didn’t even notice the lack of sauce. This woman has NO CLUE how to cook–and neither do a lot of other people, but at least they just admit it and eat pizza rolls, and don’t get paid to create recipes. Jesus.

    • avatar Porn Bacon who used to be Overpriced Nut Butter says:

      What kind of monster serve pasta with no sauce? My Nonna would be rolling in her grave were she not still alive. That would be enough to have me disowned.

      • avatar blogarella says:

        How would one even produce enough saliva to get these meat stones their gullet? You need sauce, especially with these dry abominations and 12 hour old pasta. I’m not even suggesting she make a sauce (because really) – buy a jar FFS. Let’s be honest; a bit red sauce is going to throw her squiggly line asunder. She could have skipped some butter cream and had a delicious meal of spaghetti and meatballs (of course she would have to remake the meatballs).

        As Kerf reads this (and she does) she’s all like, “pfft, skip the buttah cream!!!!! YOU DON”T KNOW ME AT ALL!!!!!!!”

        • avatar CatBlanket says:

          MEAT STONES!! A more apt description does not exist!!

        • avatar Bonanza Jellybean says:

          You’d think she would be all over some Newman’s Own. Which I wouldn’t blame her for. I’m a decent cook and have realized that no marinara i make will ever match the Newman’s Own basil marinara.

      • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

        Especially if you pre-cook the pasta! Sometimes I will mix the freshly-made pasta with some olive oil, butter, and wine. So technically not really a tomato sauce. But how can you even do that with pasta that’s been in the fridge? Wouldn’t it be all sticky?

      • avatar gwenhara says:

        I’m beginning to think that not only does KERF despise onions and garlic, but I think she doesn’t eat tomatoes, either. She rarely puts them on her salads or sandwiches and now she’s avoiding using a pasta sauce. It’s not hard to pop open a jar of organic tomato based sauce and heat it up. I know she hates doing dishes, but I really think she hates tomatoes, too.

        • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

          That would explain her lack of enthusiasm when Matt grows tomatoes in their backyard catboxes.

          • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

            How can she not like tomatoes? *sad face*

            I guess tomatoes have more mess potential than she can deal with.

          • avatar seven-dollar sandwich says:

            I love fresh tomatoes. Real, heirloom varieties, not weird Franken-matoes. I just can’t imagine cooking without onions, garlic, and tomatoes. What would I cook? One or the other is in pretty much any entree I make!

            ‘Backyard catboxes’ for the win!

        • avatar too stupid to think of a witty name says:

          Mein Gott, it’s true. Although upon hearing they stocked a hand sanitiser that smelled like tomato vines she did inexplicably and immediately rush to her local Target to fetch herself some.

          When I read that I spiralled into a depression so deep that only the thought of eating something good and Franklin Mint commemorative plates featuring Princess Diana and and array of cats could save me.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            When i was a kid I hated fresh tomatoes. I turned my nose up at the lovely vine-ripened tomatoes we got from my Grandpa’s garden, or at farmstands in the summer–but I loved, loved, LOVED the smell of tomato vines.

            Again…I was a child of six. And when I grew, lo, I put childish ways behind me and grew to love a fresh sliced tomato with salt and pepper on buttered toast.

            Dang, now I’m hungry.

          • avatar Just say banana says:

            Here here, Toppin’s. A good piece of toasted bread, Earth balance and sliced tomato with salt and pepper is my all time favorite snack. It does not get better.

        • avatar Younger & Younger says:

          Well, and I hate myself for knowing to link to this, but she did just post this:

          • avatar pineapple head says:

            I hope those tomatoes that look unripe are actually an heirloom variety that is ripe at that colour. Also hooray for your 4 basil leaves Kath maybe something you make will have a bit of flavor.

      • avatar perilsofpauline says:

        ^^This. My nonna would not only roll over in her grave, but she’d probably visit me in my dreams (and being Italian, you know the significance of deceased loved ones sending messages or signs through dreams) if I ever dared to serve pasta with no sauce! The only way that Nonna or my mother would ever prepare pasta with no sauce is if we were sick. They would drain the water from a perfectly cooked pot of pasta and in the same pot add a beaten egg and butter coating the pasta for freshly grated Parmesan and black pepper. It was their version of Kraft mac & cheese!

        • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

          Your comment makes me happy for so many reasons, primarily because I live in an area where there are virtually no people of Italian descent, so people think I’m crazy about certain things.
          Dead relatives actually do talk to me in my dreams. And you know, they would yell at me in my dreams if I ever fed people the meager rations she feeds guests. Or if I let my husband get that skinny (even if he wanted to be that skinny). My mother is still living, but she would probably threaten to “die of shame” [she thinks this is a legit cause of death, by the way] if I publicly blogged about meatballs like that–and my mom isn’t even a very good cook.
          Also, I am a firm believer in feeding undressed pasta to kids when they are sick.

          • avatar perilsofpauline says:

            Haha! Oh, the phone calls I get that begin with “Listen, I had a dream last night about my cousin Enzo and he told me something, but I don’t want to worry you”! Don’t even get me started on comments about my husband looking too thin, and that I need to fatten him up. He’s naturally skinny, but it’s somehow my fault. Regarding Italian mothers dying of shame, my dad has always said that my mother was born with one foot in the grave.

          • avatar HB says:

            Yes!!! I cannot comprehend being cheap with food the way she is because the way I grew up food is a way to express love. Going to a party? You bring the best you can make to show you care. Inviting people over? You cook plenty of food to make people feel welcome. Don’t get me started on an empty fridge. “Die of shame” indeed!

    • avatar Max says:

      Oh, bless!

    • avatar vegetabitch says:

      OMFG this is the greatest gif ever.

    • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

      This bunny makes me so happy.

  4. avatar Tits on a Firehydrant says:

    Didn’t she say that the olive oil was some kind of “sauce” for the pasta? Those balls are a disaster. Kath gets defensive easily, but even she admits that they look BAD. She shows off her freshly wiped, empty fridge filled with…raw, bready meatballs. Wouldn’t a make-ahead cook with a clue have BAKED them ahead of time, too, and then reheated later? Some people freeze them in that state, to cook on a later day. But she just formed them perfectly, refrigerated them, and now has to turn on the oven and scrub the baking pan at dinner time. Is it just me?

  5. avatar Pee-Pie says:

    She described the cooked meatballs as “chewy”. Her direct quote: “Matt and I loved the chewier texture and bready flavor” I’m pretty sure if I ate a chewy meatball, I would be dealing with some pretty severe food poisoning a few hours later. Kathy, meatballs are not supposed to be “chewy”. Also, I like my meatballs to, oh I don’t know, taste like MEAT instead of BREAD.

    • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

      It’s like she wants to punish all other foods for not being carbs. Either that or it’s a passive-aggressive dig at Matth. “You wanted to be King of the Bakery? Everything you eat will taste like bread from now on.” The man has been around bread ALL DAY, Kathy. Give him a damn piece of steak.

    • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

      The pasta didn’t have enough carbs. Obvs.

    • avatar lois says:

      my huscat won’t put breadcrumbs in his meatballs. he insists (rightly) that meatballs are made of MEAT. he’ll put more than one freaking clove of garlic in them, though, along with plenty of other delicious spices. and cooked in lots of (also perfectly flavored) red sauce.

      • avatar too stupid to think of a witty name says:

        I make spaghetti con polpette which has two kinds of ground meat (chicken and pork) and also bread that has been soaked in milk amongst other things. They are seriously the best meatballs I have ever had in my life.

        Kath’s meatballs look like rock hard sand boondies, which we would throw at the neighbourhood bullies. There were warring factions of children where I grew up in Australia.

    • avatar SalmonellaCasserella says:

      She hates meat and insists on torturing it. Grass-fed meat is generally leaner and requires some know-how to cook it properly. I guarantee those meatballs were not just “chewy” because of the damn bread. They were chewy because she has no fucking clue what she’s doing.

    • avatar World O' Gluten says:

      That is not a meatball. That is moldy ersatz falafel.

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      Well, there’s still hope that Baby Carbz may have a more sophisticated palate than his parents after all.

      chris June 27, 2013 at 11:05 am
      OMGosh, my kitchen never looks that clean!! Did your little man love those meatballs? Ms C only has one tooth but still manages to eat everything in teeny tiny pieces.

      KathEats June 27, 2013 at 1:37 pm
      Yes he nibbled from them : )

      Smart move, kid!

  6. avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

    Thanks, conch, for acknowledging what I, too, thought was some sort of Fair Isle sweater in the damn crisper drawer–what the ever loving fuck? Is this a thing? Am I ignorant to some trend/ ancient secret re: wool stored produce? Help me hams, you’re my only hope!

    • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

      I have read in older housekeeping books (am a nerd and like to read such things) that freezers are a good place to store woolens, if you have a large chest freezer and the room for it. But the produce drawer? The mind boggles.

      • avatar Cliff's Package says:

        the sweater in the fridge thing is totally cracking me up this morning….did she actually say it was a sweater??

        • avatar Fed Up says:

          That is a plastic bag from World Market. Probably the bag she bbrought home her new wallet she replaced the next week. What the hell is possibly stuffed in it, and why? She obsessively scrubs her fridge, yet leaves a random bag full of god knows what. If yo gonna stage your fridge, at least leave something decorative or something.

          • avatar katzenfrau says:

            The cleaning lady scrubs the fridge!

            And what could be in the bag? Larbs’ twenties perhaps?

          • avatar Matth's Hair Tumbleweeds says:

            Good call, frau. If I had a cleaning lady she’d definitely be in charge of mopping and cleaning my fridge. But unlike Kath I would then take extreme pleasure in stocking and organizing my gleaming fridge.

          • avatar Duffinator says:

            Katenfrau, Larb’s 20′s in fridge! DEAD!

          • avatar Four Youngers, Three Blogs, Zero Jobs says:

            The Larbs’ 20s thing killed me. Hilarious.

            Kath’s going to die when Larbs and Matt (the only one with a job out of all of them) buy an upscale house though. If Kath doesn’t think her house sucks now, she’s about to.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            It’s like a rejected Nancy Drew mystery manuscript: “The Mystery of the Chilled Shopping Bag.”

          • avatar Max says:

            Again with the jokes about Larbs’ missing twenties! I love all of you. :)

          • avatar berfbarf says:

            Especially in Texas, Four Youngers. You can buy big for cheap here.

          • avatar Four Youngers, Three Blogs, Zero Jobs (AFF) says:

            Texas plus Larbs actually worked a few years plus Better Matt has a Real Job (TM).

      • avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

        maybe you’re on to something; we all know the freezer is too full of slivers of cake and 26 month old ‘canned’ beans…

    • avatar lois says:

      i am not now nor will i ever WK for kathy, but when i have a big bunch of greens, i often put them in any random grocery bag and stick them in my crisper drawer. it ends up looking just like that–like, WTF is in your crisper drawer?

      the rest of my fridge never looks like hers, though. since we, like, eat actual food, and a lot of it.

      • avatar Anonymous says:

        I’ve been wrapping my greens in absorbent cloths and the stashing them in the crisper drawer. Helps keep them crisp!

      • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

        I do too. If I just stick my greens in the crisper without out the bag, the greens wilt too quickly. But at least we don’t pride ourselves on having an empty fridge (that’s such a first world brag, isn’t it?)

  7. avatar Matth's Hair Tumbleweeds says:

    Whose fridge looks like that?!? There’s not even a bag of carrots, a lone yogurt, nothing! What does Mazen eat? No wonder Matth looks like death. I can get pretty creative when there is zero food in our house but my husband pretends to be helpless so he’d certainly starve if our fridge was that bare. Didn’t Matth learn anything from Caitlin’s visit? If you want food in the fridge then you better ‘put in a request.’

    • avatar Press-On Chevron says:

      This is my issue. Where is their food? We all know there us nothing on her countertops after that braggy video aboutMatth coming home to a clean kitchen and sleeping baby. This is the fridge of a person with control issues, not a recipe developer who fancies her niche as food plus home. I havr real urban pro neighbors who travel weekly, eat out all the time, and they have more stuff in their fridge.

      • avatar The Old Bailey says:

        Yeah, that is not normal. Also wastes a ton of energy with an empty fridge like that.

        • avatar Bonanza Jellybean says:

          That’s my biggest issue with it. If you’re trying to be all Frawnch with your shopping habits, you should probably have a smaller fridge so you don’t waste energy cooling air.

    • avatar StaceyMcGill says:

      Are we sure it’s not a SECOND fridge, like a mostly empty basement fridge for parties (all those leftovers from Low Country Boils) extra frozen moldy cake skewers, etcetera?

      • avatar Albie Quirky says:

        It’s the same fridge CaitlinHTP posted a mocking picture of, and KERF didn’t say “oh, that’s not our main fridge” then.

        • avatar Younger & Younger says:

          +26 for pointing that out and holding her accountable for an empty fridge with a baby and a husband!

    • avatar DiabeticToast says:

      We renovated our kitchen a few months ago and literally could not cook and we still had more food in the fridge than these jokers. I think our garage fridge, which is mostly for beer, has more food in it than the Smugson’s.

      • avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

        agreed; our garage fridge, reserved for beer and soda-for-future-parties (read: leftover soda from past parties that we hope still tastes good), houses the occasional pizza, giant roast, random food that won’t fit in our kitchen fridge. why, Kath asks? BECAUSE MY KITCHEN FRIDGE IS FULL OF DELICIOUS, FRESH FOOD YOU NINNY!!!

        sorry, got a little carried away there. and, for the record, my town has an i can walk to it farmer’s market, and i frequent it often, yet *still* have a stocked fridge. smunt.

        • avatar purpleoreo says:

          What’s even more crazy is that vine/IG video showing the empty counters too! I think I see one loan banana. Ok so her 26 nut butters are unrefrudgerated somewhere, but where is the produce? The strawbs?!?!

          • avatar The Old Bailey says:

            *snif* The Saddest Banana.

          • avatar World O' Gluten says:

            “One is the loneliest ‘nanner that you’ll ever do…”

          • avatar Younger & Younger says:

            It makes me irrationally angry she has a baby and an empty fridge.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Younger and Younger, it is NOT irrational to be angry. She not only has a baby who is learning to eat solid foods, but a full-grown man for a husband who works hard (presumably) and deserves to be able to go to the damn fridge to get himself a damn snack when he wants. Good Lord.

    • avatar She Put A Fritter On It says:

      The refrigerator photo made me sad for Matt, Mazen and even for her. I can’t imagine Matt coming home from a long day of work and opening the door to find…..nothing. To me, it’s just a profound statement of joyless living. Maybe I am reading too much into it, or maybe my pendulum swings too far the other way —- but I have always felt most content when I had plenty of good food, drinks and treats around — nothing fancy, just the makings of a few good bites for a loved one, an unexpected guest, or myself when I needed the comforts of a home cooked meal and a glass of wine. To me, it’s what makes a home a home — generous nurturing of ourselves and those who mean something to us.

      • avatar swimminginvinegar says:

        Because god forbid the poor man come home and snack on hummus and pretzels or something. The reason he is underweight is that she locks all food up. Is there a cheese closet somewhere? I have not seen such food control issues since I worked at a private boarding school for kids with addictions. She has OA food measuring issues.

        And I am worried about what happens when Mazen turns 18 months and does the toddler thing of refusing most food. You have to have options or they eat too little.

      • avatar Just say banana says:

        I couldn’t agree more! Beautifully put. I’m something of a neat freak but I get such joy from making a big meal and consequently, a huge mess. It’s so satisfying.

  8. avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

    I know I said this in the last thread, but her vendetta against delicious, perfect meat gives me a case of the sads. I would love to be able to buy $7/lb grass-fed, humanely raised beef, but I can’t afford it because I’m poor (and it’s wayyyy more than that here), so I’m stuck with the plebian kind. But why buy really nice meat if you’re going to turn it into meatballs? Why not make burgers out of it, if you must buy it ground? I know that if I was going to splurge on nice meat, I’d be buying steaks or burgers. But Kath buys presumably delicious, top-quality beef and butchers it by turning it into meatballs with no seasoning- why?

    Also, my Italian great-grandmother’s meatball recipe uses pork and veal, not beef, so.

    • avatar HipsterCupcake says:

      My French MIL uses pork and veal as well. Delicious. They just came in for a visit and she brought some with her, god love her.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      Yeah really! And anyone who has passing experience with grass-fed knows that it gets dry if you cook it like regular beef, you generally have to cook it lower and slower.
      It makes me angry because a steer died for that pound of beef she wasted. I can only hope that some of that meat went to Cville-area cooks who appreciated it.

      • avatar SalmonellaCasserella says:

        Yes. Exactly this. You cannot cook grass-fed beef like regular beef, because it’s leaner. She’s so dumb that she thinks her meatballs were “chewy” because of the fucking bread — not because of her own stupidity and lack of curiosity on how to do shit the right way.

        • avatar Rachel says:

          No kidding…I made burgers from some cheap-for-SoDak grass-fed beef ($5.99/lb. is cheap for our store) & accidentally over-cooked them. I got the side-eye from husband once he bit into his.

      • avatar lolganic ham says:

        You know what also works for a grass fed steak? ACTUAL searing. As in cauterize the outside at very high heat and consume rare. Take note, Kathy. Mmmmmmmmm…

    • avatar Diana Barry's Raspberry Cordial says:

      This is exactly what I was thinking! Whenever I have the extra cash to actually spend money on nice, organic meat, I certainly don’t ruin it by making the blandest meatballs that ever blanded.

      Also, I’ve found that ever since I started reading smugnom I’m so horrified at the lack of seasoning in her dishes that I’ve been doubling or tripling the garlic/spices in recipes I’ve been making. I made arroz con pollo yesterday and it called for two cloves of garlic…boyfriend found me gleefully mincing up about six. WE WILL HAVE FLAVOR, DAMNIT.

      • avatar HipsterCupcake says:

        HA, me too! I don’t even like onion that much (raw anyway), but lately I’m all “put onion in everything!” I know how important onion is to flavour a dish. Now garlic, mmmmm, garlic all the things.

    • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

      But meat doesn’t expaaaannnd in your stomach to keep you full for hours. She has to have that doughboy smoothie soaked-oats bloat, or she panics about feeling hungry. A ball of meat with half a loaf of bread in it, on the other hand . . . just right.

      • avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

        I know we’ve all agreed that Kath’s tastebuds packed up and ran away a long time ago (proof- she clearly has no palate), but I’m beginning to think her ability to sense hunger cues has as well. There’s a huge difference between post carb-consumption bloat and genuine satiety, and there’s a difference between a full but not-bloated stomach and a hungry stomach. She doesn’t seem to know this, even though she’s an italicized RD.

  9. avatar SmurfSmugKerf says:

    So she uses wine to “bind” her salsa… but doesn’t mention that bread is holding her meatballs together? “Just for the taste!” She baffles me.

  10. avatar Basily Blast aka ba says:

    Not to overreact or anything, but that fridge is truly terrifying. She either cleared her 26 jars of nutbutter and store-bought frosting out of the way for that shoot to retain whatever credibility she has left as a healthy-living blogger, or she isn’t human. The second possibility makes more sense seeing as how SHE ATE PASTA AND “MEATBALLS” WITH NO SAUCE. God bless America–the fact that this woman gets ad $$ and freebies for her truly shitty, lazy blog is enough to make any hardworking ham tear her hair out.

    Even when there is “nothing to eat” at my house, there’s still an old block of hardened cheese, a half bottle of wine, moldy fruit, and a jar of runny mustard in there. I call bullshit on the empty, sparkly fridge.

    • avatar Unexpected Fiber says:

      Half of the post was about how clean it kept her kitchen, and then she had a Vine showing her spotless counters.

      How does a person not have milk, a 5 lb bag of carrots or celery as a base for meals, butter, cheese, FOOD in their fridge?! Does she go to the store and buy 1 carrot when she wants to make something?

      • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

        Well when you do nothing everyday you probably have time to body pump it down to the grocery store on the daily. It’s European, ya’ll.

        • avatar BeanyMalone says:

          I’ve rented apartments in Europe and did the whole “shop every day” thing and you STILL end up with condiments, leftovers, eggs, etc in your fridge. Where does she keep her ketchup? We know she loves it.

          • avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

            OMG i just realized it all: she has admitted to not keeping her plethora of nut butters in the fridge (against label instructions, i may add), so OPENED nut butters, ketchup, mustard, etc must be in the *pantry*!! (backs away slowly…)

        • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

          I’ve lived with actual Europeans and they had more in their fridges than that.

      • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

        If there’s nothing in the fridge, she can’t be expected to make dinner. Win win. You’re hungry after a long day, you want your son to eat, it’s on you Bath Matt.

        • avatar Max says:

          I maintain that she cleared everything out (Coors, Pizza Hut box, Kraft singles?) before she took that photo. Also, who has room to put a whole tray of something in their fridge like this? We have a smaller-than-average refrigerator (urban professionals in our semi-urban condo) so I have to rearrange if I buy the extra big jar of pickles or a six pack of beer. I get that she has some fancy giant fridge, but why is it so empty? There was more in there was Caitlin was minging about it being empty.

      • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

        If our fridge looked like that my husband would be hauling ass to the grocery store.

        She claimed in the comments–after a reader flatout asked her why the fridge was so empty–that she shops “weekly and also markets.” Wha?

        • avatar swimminginvinegar says:

          Sometimes I think she just takes those fridge magnet poetry pieces, throws them on the ground and uses whatever words in whatever order to respond to reader comments. She must sweat blood to give the posts the vague readability they have (if you have the smug–>english dictionary) but she can’t be bothered to try to make a comment response understandable.

        • avatar Diana Barry's Raspberry Cordial says:

          Seriously. My boyfriend is 6’3″ and when he’s going to the gym regularly, he can put away food like I’ve never seen. When he came home yesterday and realized I’d gone grocery shopping, his face lit up like a Christmas tree. That fridge was STOCKED. I was pretty damn proud of myself.

          • avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

            Oh god, mine too. Mine DOES work out regularly and he’s really thin…..I have a brother who was an elite athlete so I should be used to the amount of food athletic young men can consume, but I guess I never really cooked for/with my brother. Now I’m constantly wondering if mancat’s leg is hollow and forgetting to make double if I want leftovers the next day. He’s an almost-obsessively healthy eater, but last month at a friend’s cottage somebody made like 8 boxes of KD and I caught him eating it out of the pot with a ladle…..his friend walked in, looked at him, and said “how the fuck are you not 300 lbs?!” and walked out.

        • avatar DiabeticToast says:

          Wait wait wait. The Cville market (like most markets) is on Saturday, right? And her meatballs were seemingly on Saturday or Sunday. So she is essentially telling us that this is a POST-MARKET TRIP fridge. One of her produce drawers is completely empty, FFS.

          I can’t even. Just… I can’t.

        • avatar Younger & Younger says:

          Ugh. Markets is NOT a verb, KERF.

    • avatar ARealScienceNerd says:

      I’m in the process of moving across the country with moving truck coming today and my fridge has more stuff in it than hers-no joke. She should be ashamed by how little food she has in the house, I feel bad for her husband and child

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      And who are these losers in the comments going, “Oh! I love a bare fridge!” WHY? WHY DO YOU LOVE THAT?

      • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

        It sickens me that people brag about empty fridges and self-restricting when people are starving all over the world.

        • avatar coffee, vodka, repeat says:

          I agree, McCunterson. I question the notion of self-deprivation as sport in western society. “I don’t have to run from any lions or seek any water, so I pursue extreme goals for the hell of it between viewing Netflix on my 56-inch television” (by the way I love good shows and I am not slamming the value of storytelling. And I was a distance runner prior to injury.) But ultimately I think we should make sure our actions are driven by true well-being versus vanity. The opposite of smugnom is humblenom.

      • avatar tigress says:

        I know right??! What is the point of having a huge, expensive fridge if you’re only going to use one shelf? Just use a mini fridge for fucks sake. Also I’m pretty sure an empty fridge is super energy inefficient because of all the unoccupied space.

      • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

        We just went grocery shopping tonight. Four growing boys and we usually fill two carts each week. Anyhoo, the only time I’m “glad” to see an empty-ish fridge is the afternoon before our shopping trip, because I know there will be room for the whomp-load of food we’ll be loading into it. And I can swipe a cleaning cloth over the shelves so the sticky gunk doesn’t grow living things in it.

      • avatar Albie Quirky says:

        What is, “Active Eating Disorder”, Alex?

    • avatar DiabeticToast says:

      Psh, we know she doesn’t refrigerate her nut butters.

      • avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

        sorry, just posted up thread about exactly that. all of her food must be so fucking rancid. hey! maybe that’s how she’s getting thin!!

    • avatar Leg Hair says:

      I think she cleared out the processed crap and then there was nothing left. The old Kath would have gone out to Whole Foods and filled with fresh veggies and fruit for the picture but now that she is so busy being a MOM I guess she didn’t get around to it.

  11. avatar pineapple head says:

    The only thing I want to taste bready is my bread. Which is funny because she seems to want the actual bread to taste like cake with frosting.
    Someone mentioned she didn’t put sauce on the pasta just olive oil. So chewy bready balls of meat and oily (most likely ill cooked pasta.) ew.

    The only time I don’t use sauce is when I saute a bunch of minced garlic (Kath would recoil in terror at the amount) in olive oil, add a ton of fresh tomatoes, cook until the tomatoes are just warm, add torn basil, toss with pasta and Parmesan, (I don’t think I need to mention salt and pepper cos to me it’s a given.) it’s pretty amazing, Kath would eat a mixing bowl of it if it were free.

    I don have a theory about the empty fridge. I bet she cleared out a ton of processed junk to take the picture or other foods she claims to not eat.

    • avatar Slurp says:

      Garlic (a lot!), olive oil and parsley (aio e olio) is also a wonderful sauce for pasta.

      • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

        Kath can only tolerate a clove of garlic (or dried up Garlic Gold) and parsley is out of the question because it’s so UNMANAGEABLE.

    • avatar strewbsandbewbs says:

      I think you’re probably right about the fridge. Kath is all about appearances. Bet she did the same thing before her frenemy CaitlinHTP visited too.

    • avatar Emily Gould’s Trusty Google Alert says:

      I feel like Kath’s olive oil pasta sauce involved honey, and she’s leaving that part out for the readers. Although she has no shame in telling them to use 1/8th tsps of salt and pepper, so who knows.

      One of my favourite pasta sauce recipes is butter, fresh tomatoes, and fresh garlic. I usually use olive oil and more ingredients (basil or onions or whatever’s around) when making sauces but this is my favourite simple recipe. If you add anything extra it ruins the magic.

  12. avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

    Right now my son is on the floor eating jello with his face “like a puppy dog” and getting jello all over the carpet. It is beyond gross but he recently had his tonsils out and I need him to eat, especially since I put ibuprofen in there (he refuses to take any medicine.
    I’m not sure what this has to do with anything but maybe it explains my full on rage about her crimes against meatballs.

    • avatar Smug Smugger Smuggest says:

      LOL! Sounds like a day in the life of a real mom with a kid who’s allowed to be a kid! I think your comment perfectly highlights how fake Kathy’s “perfect” life is. Poor Mazen will never be allowed to get Jello on the spotless floors (thanks, cleaning lady) and will probably never know how actual meatballs and pasta with sauce taste.

      • avatar Max says:

        The grossness of a normal toddler and the clutter associated with toddlers can drive even a non-clutter-hater insane at times. She’s going to flip her lid once that kid is really ambulatory and starts really getting into stuff.

        • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

          My 10 month old ate a dead fly off the floor the other day. The worst part was I watched it happen and didn’t stop it because the fly wasn’t big enough to be a choking hazard. Le sigh.

          • avatar Vincouer says:

            That’s kind of awesome. One of my favorite memories ever is discovering our toddler nephew drinking out of the dog bowl at a chaotic family event. He was holding it up like a washtub. I died laughing.

          • avatar vegetabitch says:

            Vincouer — My dad once walked into the kitchen to find my little sister with her face in the water bowl blowing bubbles. Ha!

          • avatar charliefuckingchaplin says:

            I used to walk in the kitchen to find my year old DD shoving the crusty remnants from cat food bowls in her mouth FAST so I wouldn’t bust her.
            Ah, kids…

          • avatar Homphgomph says:

            I’ve never commented here but this made me laugh so hard my abs hurt.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Once when I was a toddler I was playing in the dirt, as I you do, and my aunt and mom were in the house, watching from the kitchen as they chatted. My aunt suddenly said, “Um, Sis, I think the baby is eating the dirt!” My mom said, “Oh, don’t worry, she always spits the rocks out.”

          • avatar World O' Gluten says:

            When my sister was at the crawling stage, we noticed what appeared to be sand in her diapers. Turns out she was eating lots and lots of dry cat food.

          • avatar KERFETUS says:

            Once again, you hams have outdone yourselves with this thread. Good god almighty.

    • avatar whatevurr says:

      Yeah, it has nothing to do with anything.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      D’aw that’s cute.

  13. avatar coveryourmouthwhenyoukerf says:

    That fridge is making me angry and sad. Where the fuck is the food, kerf. What the fuck does your husband eat, and what about your baby who’s starting to eat solids? Jesus Mohammed and Joseph.

    She has to have removed things because her disordered brain thinks people would envy her empty fridge.
    But seriously where are the vegetables! Fruits! Milk! eggs!
    Those are all real foods, kerf.

    • avatar Meh says:

      She totally misunderstands how one would stage a fridge. The point is to make your fride look tidy, with luscious ingredients/food, not like Sears just delivered the damn thing.

    • avatar drunkkitty says:

      What a silly concept for a post, an RD showing what her fridge looks like and how she keeps it stocked. Obviously it makes more sense to do some shots of buttercream frosting and call it a day.

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