foodsmug, lifesmug, recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 38

*Sorry, hams — for some reason, comments were turned off when this published. Everything should be okay now. Except that we’re still fat, jealous losers who live in basements. But everything else.*

How was Kathy’s weekend? Everyone must be dying to know — and it must take forever to sum up all the crunch and chewy textures and crunchy fun, since she only posted her weekend post on Tuesday. First, she tried to sword-swallow her baby son, and he was not a-Muzed.

“Nurse Churton, keep a watch on number three mesial occlusal distal… we’ve got some Cavities According to Daniel here…”

The weekend was “a-Mazen” (get it? Because she named her kid that to use an alternate spelling of a hipster-preferred drinking glass and NOT because it’s an already established Middle Eastern name)

thanks to some warm weather and a free schedule.

because heaven knows how fucking Siberian cold it is working on the rock-crushing line like Kathy, the suburban stay-at-home-mom with a blog.

Lots of playtime and relaxin’ around the house.

Seriously, you guys. The apostrophe. That’s how fuckin’ carefree they got over at the Younger-Smugson house. Like, they were spelling gerunds phonetically! It was cah-ray-zee. It started out with making “burgers” out of leftover lentils and free fakery bread that somehow involved gouda and stout:

We just added an egg, formed patties and then fried ‘em up.

That’s funny, because I remember Kathy just saying how she’d cooked these wads of beans in some kind of nut oil. Frying the shit out of them would have done them some good. She also made something with broccoli, “mayo,” vinegar, honey, mustard, raisins and almonds, like some wretched lovechild of fruit salad and macrobiotics. Or, as she describes it,

I tried to replicate the broccolini salad we had at Bald Head, but this didn’t turn out quite as good. I’ll have to wait for the wedding to have it again!

Oh, we know, Kathy. Because putting dressing on broccoli is totally complicated and you don’t possibly have any resources at hand to figure out what combination of actually tasty stuff you could combine. There are obviously no libraries or Internet connections where you live, or at least they don’t pique your curiosity about cooking. Go ahead. Flop down and stretch out and yawn until your little sister’s summer wedding; someone will deliver the “broccolini” dressed in sweet goo recipe right into your hands.

Because your lunch should totally remind people of a necropsied dog corpse. Adorbs.

So anyway, on Saturday morning, while the rest of us were sleeping off hangovers and exhausting weeks at work, virtuous Kathy was mixing two kinds of oats, gooey chia seeds and tooth-cracking raw buckwheat

for the ultimate texture combo. Plus banana, obviously, and sunflower butter.

 

Kathy, you unfolded a motherfucking guest pillowcase for this, didn’t you? Didn’t you?

She then went to some manicure place in the mall because she had a gift certificate and Bath Matt was at “a dad’s group meet up,”  and that is when the motherfucking shit started.

…I took the opportunity to get my first pedicure in six months. Ya heard me – six months. I neeeeeeeded one.

Kerf sat there for ten whole minutes with her Better Homes and Gardens Magazine (seriously) and then they told her they were

totally booked for the whole day!!! … so I left with unpainted toes. Such a bummer!!

This after she’d already picked out this totally original shade of $2 Wet N Wild, oops, sorry, I mean “Chinchilly” nail polish with her suddenly haggard nails! Princess Poutypants, who has such a ridic schedule that she couldn’t have possibly carved the time out to find out what their schedule was like during the week, was so distraught that she forgot the tinned fish she can obviously only get at her approved faux hippie foodie place to buy prepackaged tomatoes and other shit that even someone who doesn’t know how to make food knows how to make.

So instead I went to Trader Joe’s : ) Filled up on sunflower butter and Cilantro Jalapeno hummus but I FORGOT SMOKED TROUT! D’OH! I am so out and want more!
Yeah, that sounds wretched. I’m sure both of the readers who can possibly sympathize with you totally do, Kathy.
So then she had to use a cup of white wine to cook dinner, adding, in an attempt to be wry, like every aggrieved Facebook friend with kids ever,
The recipe I planned for dinner called for a cup of white wine. Good reason to open a bottle and drink the rest, huh?!
Way to be edgy, Kathy. You drink your white wine like a badass.
So for dinner, she made allegedly “crunchy” still-leftover “Irish” soda bread, adulterated a fish chowder recipe by using celery instead of onions and free cod that PR company in Alaska sent her, because if free meat and bland vegetables doesn’t make you hungry, I don’t know what could possibly appeal. (Spices?)

Sooo good!! Smothered in fresh parsley.

Yes. Put a pillow over the face of your dinner. Just like you have over your tastebuds, you olive-oil-for-Garlic-Gold substituting creature feature.
On Sunday morning, the Younger-Smugsons made fakery-blend and gooey chia seed pancakes with a “trail mix” (you know, because pushing the stroller up the hill to a doctor’s office or an overly expensive grocery store or a wine-tasting is totally a trail, and please make sure you bring your Camelbak, we wouldn’t want you to get dehyrdrated, OMG) and some new sweetened nut butter whose name she’s already taken to using in strange ways:
Nothing drizzles quite like Wild Friends!
Yeah, and nothing reads quite like blog posts that don’t have a copy edit. (Deadpan: I should know.)
Anyway, while she was doing that, she decided NOT to throw Baby Carbz out with the nut butter jars, and declared him useful for passing out, because his nap made it so that she was able
to organize the attic, change all the bedding, wash all the diapers, organize the spices, run and empty the dishwasher and read.
Just wait until he’s an SAE like your husband, Kathy dearest!
Then we ran 4 miles!!
Because, obviously, a completely restricting white girl in America who is breast-feeding her baby needs to make sure she burns plenty of calories as often as possible. Awesome. To “refill” from her run, she ate half a sandwich with, again, its sliced pickle mouth sticking out like a muppet autopsy.
After lunch, Kathy called the mani/pedi place and they were still closed — the noiv! — and she was all WTF DUDE.
We spent the afternoon playing on the porch. [Side note: I actually got in my car to go back to the pedicure place and decided to call first – they were closed!! So glad I didn’t drive all the way there.]
So she laid out a blue and white rug and took photos of herself with a big open mouth and her baby and then.. this happened. No words. They should have sent a DA investigator.
Finally, she actually got all excited about Daylight Savings Time and her adulterated fish leftover dinner Sunday night, calling it
an extra hour of sunshine and a clean kitchen – leftovers for dinner!
Oh, honey.
* Confidential to KERF: Some of us have never had a mani or a pedi, and we don’t say that to be smug, just to let you know that, hey, there are chicks your age being targeted in acid attacks, and others who are half your age submitting to marital rape by guys who are 50 years older than them, so maybe like calm your tits about not being able to have more than two times a year where you pay someone to pumice your fucking callouses and put nail polish on for you.


217 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 38



  1. avatar HipsterCupcake says:

    Thanks be to jeebus! Like others have said, that last paragraph was pure perfection, Conch. Sure, some of us complain occasionally about our first world problems. But, fucking christ, this woman has the saddest complaints all the live-long day and spills them on the internet constantly. She has been living in a word-document-of-praise for too long and needs some serious perspective.

    Don’t even get me started on the drizzling wild friends and juicy downward dog. Every day, I become more and more convinced of fellow hamcats’ theory that this is performance art. How could it actually be serious?

    • avatar Real Life says:

      THIS exactly X 26 with buckwheat crunchies. Conch, this was a work of art.

    • avatar snark in the city says:

      I tried to explain Kerf to my mother. She was incredulous. I showed her the blog and she is now 100% convinced that the entire thing is a brilliant satirical spoof that somehow involves the Harvard Lampoon.

  2. avatar Matt Monson's "surprise inch" (AFF) says:

    Kathy’s just stupid.

    And as I said on the other thread before these comments were open – I wanted to give you a standing ovation for that footnote when I read it on the train this morning. Not sure the other urb pros around me would’ve appreciated it, it would’ve interfered with their coffee-tossing.

    • avatar shortstuff says:

      ” Not sure the other urb pros around me would’ve appreciated it, it would’ve interfered with their coffee-tossing.”

      dead.

  3. avatar The Hunting of the Snark says:

    Joy to the world – the comments have returned!!! I’m going to lurk for a while and wait for you brilliant cat ladies to fill this page with wonderful witticisms, glorious gifs, and scintillating snark.
    Conch – I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you directly for the amazing work that you do here. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I never got the obsession with KERF until I started reading your recaps and then suddenly – enlightenment dawned! I have been hooked ever since :)

    gif+youre+awesome.gif%22

  4. avatar Rachel says:

    Conch, if I had half your talent at writing, I would consider myself successful. And if I could, I would send you cases and cases of Franzia and 10.26 lb. hams to compensate for your willingness to subject yourself to the KERF trainwreck day in & day out. I honestly don’t know how you do it. Once every couple months I try to read one of her entries and I find myself so rage-filled I have to back away from the computer. So thank you. Your recaps allow my blood pressure to remain normal.

    Also, Choogie Pie? What the hell?

  5. avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

    Choogie Pie? What does that even MEAN? I feel like it’s another “pee pie”episode- the actual phrase is “suga pie” or something but because Kath is stupid and/or barely literate, she has in her head that it’s “choogie”. God, she is such a dumb bint.

    Also, that first pic cracks me because it’s supposed to be a candid “look what a great and loving mom I am!” shot but you just KNOW she took 26×2 photos until she got a pose she liked. (Hey Kath, are you trying to copy ThatWife? because you shouldn’t).

    And mad props, Conch for that footnote, in fact for the whole recap as usual. I have to confess: I will admit (for shame) that cilantro jalapeno hummus sounds delightful and I want to try it.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      I’m not really one to talk re. weird nicknames (I annoy even myself when I call my dog “Smell Boo”–WTF?) but I assume it’s a Folksy Kath(TM) creation. As opposed to the Yoga Kath and RD Kath brands.

      • avatar HipsterCupcake says:

        I call my dog nutmuffin and fartface, so I’m also not one to talk, but I will: Kathy’s nicknames suck.

        • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

          Seconded. I call my dogs (who are Lucy and Rambo) a plethora of dumb names – Goose, Noodle, Ramboroni, Turbo Torpedo, and I collectively call them muffins, but motherfucking CHOOGIE PIE?! Gag me with a tiny coke spoon.

          cm-28682-0508ea92588705.jpeg

          • avatar Day Old Spicy Tuna Roll says:

            My daughter’s nickname is Boogers — she actually responds to it. Would I ever post that tidbit somewhere it could be traced back to her actual identity? See Lynda Carter above for answer.

          • avatar Spooky says:

            Choogie Pie sounds racist for some reason. I don’t know what’s up with that.

            As for silly nicknames, we occasionally affectionately refer to our dog as Bunghole. Lady McBunghole if we’re being fancy. :)

          • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

            OMG, Spooky, I think it sounds racist, too! I’m trying to figure out why (don’t worry, I won’t list a bunch of racial epithets here so we can get to the bottom of this, haha).

            Ahem. Anyway.

        • avatar Shazaam says:

          Googling I can find choogie pie only in reference to baby carbz and Choogie is listed in urban dictionary as “a chest noogie”.

          • avatar DoubleEntendre says:

            Yes! My mom had a stroke recently and I went to be with her in ICU for a week (she’s fine now). There was one particularly hilarious and chatty nurse and she told me about all the ways people fake comas and injuries to get admitted and/or to get drugs. A “choogie” was one way to tell if a person was really unconscious or just suffix-sufferin’ fakin’ it.

    • avatar Bonanza Jellybean says:

      The Trader Joe’s cilantro jalapeño hummus is so fucking good. And yeah, I know how to make my own hummus and do so regularly, but I’ll still buy it if I’m at TJ’s.

    • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

      I so want to believe that even Kath wouldn’t call her little baby something that rhymes with loogie. I think it’s a disordered sugar thing. She requires her sources for mainlining sugar to disguise themselves as healthy superfoods, so she can say she “doesn’t keep sugar in the house.” She can’t even type her fake pretend-Southern ‘shugie-pie’ without hiding the sugar under a misspelling.

    • avatar Frequent Liar Miles says:

      I have a friend who as a teenager was babysitting an infant about Mazen’s age and was joggling him exactly as pictured in that first photo, when, SURPRISE, he threw up into her mouth. (I assume the texture was “drizzly.”)

      • avatar Incredibly Drippy Goatmeal says:

        “Nothing drizzles quite like Berf Barf! It’s drippy! And fffffun!”

      • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

        babybarf.jpg

      • avatar old one says:

        I have seen lots of photos with ma’s and pa’s trying to look all open mouth happy, wait until the little darling drools, sneezes or pukes down your gullet. That’ll learn ‘em.
        I have noticed this open mouth look I have white teeth smile “is all the rage”……..another phrase that needs to go far far away

        • avatar lolganic ham says:

          It’s like looking up at a flock of birds…

        • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

          I hate that open mouthed shit. It’s not a smile, it’s a rictus that screams “LOOK AT MY TEETH! I SPENT MONEY ON THEM! LOOK AT THEM I SAY!” I hope those bloggers swallow flies as a result.

        • avatar Anonymous says:

          OMG YES! What the FUCK is with the open-mouth smile trend?! Freakishly relieved that I’m not just imagining it. It makes me feel so hateful and irritated.

        • avatar Spooky says:

          Wasn’t “all the rage” popular back when “glad rags” were also popular? It’s a be ye olden days, so it’s interesting it’s back again.

        • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

          No Neck Joe!

          image_5562_2.jpg

          • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

            Double post AND to the wrong comment AND under two different logins. SSSF!

      • avatar koshka says:

        Yep, that happened to me with my kitten. Spit up, right in my mouth.

        Not going to lie, I kind of wish it happened to her. It would have to taste better than most of her aMAZEN so locavore foodie special concoctions.

      • avatar Is Your Scuffin Nut Buttered says:

        That’s exactly what I was thinking…I would hope little (or lil’ as Kathy would say) Carbz would puke in her mouth, but…let’s be honest, I would rather be puked on in the facial region by a baby than eat the slop that Kath whips up. Lord knows if Carbz does puke in her mouth, it would probably taste better than half of the shit she makes.

        brian-vomiting-o.gif

    • avatar Day Old Spicy Tuna Roll says:

      Am I the only one who looked at that photo and thought “Yikes. Pity about the lack of neck”? Because as someone who is genetically prone to turkey neck, I can tell you that one of my cardinal rules of picture taking is never to post with my mouth open wide. Kathy demonstrates the reason why: I challenge any of you hams to find evidence of a jawline.

    • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

      OMgawd…that pose was such a trend a few years ago. I swear 4 or 5 holiday cards had the smile up at baby who you are holding up high pose. I thought it was sweet the first few times. Here it just looks like KERF thinks her son is a huge piece of amazing tasting, but calorie free cake with buttercream frosting.

  6. avatar sarawr says:

    I’ve been waiting all morning to tell you hams that one of my friends called Kath’s recipes “the culinary analogue of a Jackson Pollock.” WHEW, so glad that’s out.

  7. avatar dripdrop says:

    Has she ever said why she only drinks decaf coffee? Just curious.

    • avatar Spooky says:

      Because she’s better than us, duh, and refuses to be addicted to caffeine. *Insert Liz Lemon eye roll here*

    • avatar colorblocked moonshiner says:

      she drinks half-caf too! because coffee is so evil and addictive or whatev.

    • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!) says:

      I assumed it was because she was breastfeeding; was it a thing for her before the bb?

      • avatar Virginia Apple says:

        I’m pretty sure she drank caffeine before the baby. I remember endless cups of tea at least. She’s so dumb though, it’s perfectly fine to have a cup of coffee while breastfeeding.

      • avatar Is Your Scuffin Nut Buttered says:

        So virtuous of Kathy…giving up caffeine for the well being of her baby!! (but still hitting the booze pretty hard @@)

      • avatar HamStain says:

        She’s “detoxed” off of coffee several times over the last few years, either switching to green tea, herbal tea, decaf or choffy each time, because she’s omg sssssssssssssso sensitive to caffeine, what with her dainty little ballerina system and all. Then it would creep back in and become a habit until she felt the need to detox again at the “end of coffee season”, whateverthefuck that might be.

  8. avatar The Old Bailey says:

    That first pic, and the other toothy one where she’s “atop” Carbz (poor little one), are just so All About Kath. It’s so fake–an effortless, at-ease woman she is not. And the baby is half out of the frame in the second one. Why do you have to sully your perfectly normal playtime with a zillion photos? Oh, that’s right, to prove something to the world. To prove that you are happy and having fun.
    Pro tip: stop trying to prove it and you might actually be.
    Those photos make me particularly angry for some reason. That, and the White Pedicure Privilege. Thank you for describing the feeling so precisely, Conch.

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      ^^^ This^^^ She’s writes the book on “White Pedicure Privilege”. Is she really that unaware?

      Lara Gastinger March 12, 2013 at 9:08 am

      Hey kath, I like oasis for my yearly (gasp!) pedicure. You have to make reservations. What a great weekend and yummy eats. Will you be doing bread for the 10 miler? If so, cya!

      Reply
      KathEats March 12, 2013 at 9:54 am

      I had a lovely pedi there once, BUT, I had to sit on a hard bench!! The pedi was awesome, but it was soooo uncomfortable. Do they have better chairs now?

      • avatar Cuntalina Hittler says:

        Was Lara trying to sneak in the very sensible suggestion that Kath should have made an appointment for her oh-so-important pedi, rather than just drop in on a busy weekend day and get pissed that they couldn’t fit her in? If so, well played, Lara.

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

        If the bench was too hard for her roomy ass, I do believe her that it was hard. Then again, this woman wears a puffer vest, fleece, and scarf in 65 degree weather. I hate her so much.

    • avatar Spooky says:

      That first photo has to be the most unflattering thing I have ever seen. And when I say that I mean even including the frumpy ‘Downton Abbey premiere’ getup she wore. Fauxtography at its finest, truly.

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

        The Downton Abbey get-up was the best EVAH: Horrible layering, obnoxious print, dangly earrings. I don’t even remember what shoes she wore.

      • avatar Brownie Bite says:

        Agreed. It’s the most awful, unflattering picture.

      • avatar Respect, Privacy and Lies OH MY says:

        Anyone else wondering if Ant Eggs puked in her mouth immediately following the picture?

    • avatar Sweetening My Cheese says:

      Exactly! So the baby really was halfway cut out of the second pic? I wasn’t sure since I wasn’t on the pc while looking (gagging) at it. OMG, isn’t it just so obvious it’s about her? And isn’t that the weirdest thing ever?? Most moms are all about their baby…..or let me just say, at least pretend to be when taking photos!!! :)

  9. avatar perilsofpauline says:

    Regarding our WTF’s over Choogie Pie’s jeans and belt ensemble:

    Patty March 13, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Mazen is so incredibly cute. If he were mine, I’d get nothing done all day since I would just stare at those cheeks! One question – don’t you get tired of undoing his belt and jeans for diaper changes? I always found pants with a fly annoying when my son was that little. I almost always had him in sweatpants because my mother convinced me that jeans were not comfortable for babies.

    Reply
    KathEats March 13, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Yeah, he’s most often in sweatpants at home, but I tend to put on the nicer pants when we go out (which we had been before these shots)

    AND Grandma Buzz chimes with this:

    “Oh I thought the one of him fussing was kind of fun. He does need to work on his Tummy Time attitude.”

    • avatar KERFETUS says:

      Yes, the wee, helpless baby totally needs to adjust his attitude. I swear to fucking gods, these women are going to be worse than my mother ever was with her “children are terrible, need to show their elders some respect” bullshit that was trotted out from the moment I was alive. I know a sad number of fellow hamcats also had insane parents who did messed up psychological shit to them, but I don’t think it’s overreacting to say that if you always treat your child like they’ve done something wrong, if not totally inconvenient, you’re gonna have a bad scene on your hands. Try not blaming the kid for the first, oh, year. Just try it.

      SSSF so child of awful parents who hates to see it play out like nothing more than a funnnnn a-mazen mother game. Poor sweet little boy.

      • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

        Didn’t Buzz jump in awhile ago when Mazen was a newborn and Kath was complaining about him crying, and a commenter said it sounded like she was blaming him for doing it on purpose. And other commenters chimed in that yes, babies can’t help it, and Buzz was basically like, “oh, I disagree, both of my children were aware and willful assholes from the get-go.”

        • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

          Yup.

          Buzz is likely just as narcissistic and clueless as Kath. She had two kids of her own and still doesn’t know how to hold, comfort, or soothe a baby. She refuses to consider that her parenting choices and life of gross entitlement may be why she raised two insufferable monstresses who have even less of a work ethic or informed worldview than Paris Hilton.

          Why should Barbie do all that icky introspection when she can just blame everything on the inherently selfish, manipulative nature of children?

    • avatar DiabeticToast says:

      Jesus, Grandma Buzz, how about YOU lie down on your belly for 20 minutes while wearing jeans and a belt. It’s not fucking comfortable. The kid is pissed because he has a buckle and button smushed into his gut.

      Also, “nicer pants when we go out”??? He is a BABY. He doesn’t need to dress to impress.

      • avatar OrangePeel says:

        Exactly.

        I don’t even like to wear jeans around my house and I am an adult who can choose what damn positions I am laying in. Poor kid.

        Also, FU Buzz for blaming your grandson for being uncomfortable and taking delight in his fussing. We all see where your daughter gets her parenting abilities, attitudes and traits from.

        • avatar Max says:

          I am not WKing at all, but this strikes me as Buzz’s attempt at humor. Obviously, I’ve never met these people; she just seems like someone who would say sort of mildly borderline inappropriate things in an attempt to seem him clever and with it, but the comments just fall flat and make her seem weird and everyone else feels awkward.

          • avatar DoubleEntendre says:

            If granny hasn’t figured out any of the tiny subtleties of culture and language such as not insulting your daughter and grandson in a single sentence fragment, she needs to shut her giant Buzzhole until she completes finishing school.

          • avatar Day Old Spicy Tuna Roll says:

            This is also the impression I get of Buzz — that those comments she makes about babies needing attitude adjustments or whatever are the kind of deadpan jokes she’d make in real life, only when she writes them down the nuance is lost and it appears she’s being serious. My dad is like that, and if you weren’t familiar with his sense of humor you’d be shocked by the wisecracks he’ll make with a straight face.

      • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

        Do these people not understand HE IS A BABY.
        I ask my seven year old child to adjust her attitude (doesn’t work, she got the sarcasm gene from my X chromosome SCIENCE y’all), and I ask her to change out of leggings before we go to a restaurant because leggings are not pants but she is SEVEN and can read and ride a bike and even fold laundry.
        Hakeem Harvard is crying because he can’t roll over and his clothes are bugging him and he can’t say, “Mom, I’m changing into leggings the moment we get home because these jeans itch my thighs.” Because he can’t talk or roll over. Because HE IS A BABY. You’d think his mother and grandmother would realize that.

        • avatar DiabeticToast says:

          Considering how Kath’s diet is composed of gut bombs, it’s no wonder she has no idea what comfort means.

        • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

          I may have laughed a little loud at Hakeem Harvard.

          tumblr_lka915sLrA1qhgme2.gif

        • avatar KERFETUS says:

          I too snorted at Hakeem Harvard. I hope this makes it into tomorrow’s recap. Not that conch needs us to crowdsource brilliance for her. Just saying this would make the cut.

          • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

            I ripped it off from the amazen catladies (too lazy to check who/whether Hakeem Harvard was on there) the other day who were coming up with aliases for Baby Carbz. I don’t remember what was on there, but the formula was Arab name + school you didn’t get into. And I died.

    • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

      I like that the woman who raised Kathy thinks a baby needs to work on his attitude.
      Also, considering her sadistic fascination with stuffed animals, her use of ‘fun’ scares the drippy nutbutter out of me.

      • avatar Jen X says:

        ” scares the drippy nutbutter out of me.”

        I need to use this phrase, like a lot. No one will understand me, but this is brilliant.

        • avatar Rhodesian Sailor has the drippy nutbutter scared out of her by Buzz says:

          :)
          It’s been a while since PrincessBelle1 was on here so an updated name was needed.

          • avatar perilsofpauline says:

            Speaking of princessbelle1, do you remember when she was defending Kath’s posts saying blah, blah, blah they didn’t always have to be such “rigorous intellectual workouts” or something to that effect? I always thought it was an odd phrase to use and only someone as smug as Kath or Matth would use it. Well, she uses similar language when a commenter asks if she knew anyone who attended Davidson and Kath was “OMG! Only me, me, me!!!” Here’s the rest of the exchange:

            Jenny Michelle March 13, 2013 at 5:59 pm

            I didn’t know you went there!! I’ve been reading your blog for a few years, I can’t believe I didn’t know. So it sounds like you had a great experience there? The only thing I’m worried about is the rigor of the classes and the size of the school.

            Reply
            KathEats March 13, 2013 at 9:19 pm

            I did! Class of ’05! The best part of Davidson is the academics – extremely rigorous but very rewarding. And it was smaller than my high school but felt so much bigger. Hope you love it!

            I don’t know maybe I’m reaching, but it does make me think that princessbelle1 was one of the Smugersons.

          • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!) says:

            I was sure princessbelle was Buzz. There was something so smarmy and delusional about her that seemed familiar.

            Still haven’t checked out her menopause blog. As someone who is having perimenopause right now, I can’t think of what there is to blog besides HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS.

          • avatar strawlberries says:

            All I know about her blog is MENOPAUSE CAT. Seriously. She has an entire post about this thing:
            fourth-of-july-cat.jpg?w=623&h=830
            which she calls “The Fourth of July Menopause Cat”. NOPE.

          • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

            What in the actual fuck with menopause cat? I can’t even.

            tumblr_mbhp5ibRKs1rxi3zi.gif

          • avatar perilsofpauline says:

            @ Albie Quirky (No Relation!) I’m right there with you perimenopausal and all! Yes, I agree that princessbelle1 could have been Grandma Buzz given her most recent attitude adjustment remark. Nevertheless, it was most definitely a close family member.

          • avatar KERFETUS says:

            WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS A MENOPAUSE CAT IS IT A SHEDDING METAPHOR LIKE YOUR UTERUS IS A FELINE IN A JUMPER HOLDING A SURRENDER FLAG WHAT?

          • avatar Max says:

            If we just mention PrincessBelle, can there be Luther? She doesn’t actually just have to visit, does she? Luther?

          • avatar Spooky says:

            I cannot believe she said “The best part of Davidson is the academics”. THE BEST PART OF DAVIDSON IS THE ACADEMICS. Oh my heavenly… See, I consider “academics” to be the various profs and TAs at a college, but Kerfweiser here considers it to mean the fucking course content.

            Deep breaths, Spooky, deep breaths. It will be okay. It will be OKAY.

        • avatar eeee says:

          I’m going to add it to my vocabulary, to be used in counterpoint with “that really rustled my jimmies.” No one knows that what means, either.

    • avatar OrangePeel says:

      “Yeah, he’s most often in sweatpants at home, but I tend to put on the nicer pants when we go out (which we had been before these shots)”

      Huh.

      Sounds much like the “oh, we wear him in the sling correctly. He was only like that for a few seconds because he slipped down (we fixed him right after this close encounter with death)”

      • avatar berfbarf says:

        Not only that, but didn’t she say in the beginning of this track wreck of a post that since the weather was “so cold,” they stayed home all weekend (except for the horrific pedicure event, of course).

      • avatar berfbarf says:

        Actually, no, it was “warm weather,” but they had lots of playtime and fucking “relaxin” around the house.

      • avatar Spooky says:

        Oh, sure, his “people” clothes. Which I bet Kath never launders or bothers to fold and put away.

    • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

      Did you hamcats notice that Kath completely ignored the diaper changing question?
      I know, she ignores 75% of what her fans ask her, but still. I’m still waiting for the story to break that she has help at home.

      • avatar eeee says:

        Good catch, and I bet you’re right. It’ll be glossed over as, maybe, a temporary situation what with all the stuff! to! do! for the upcoming wedding and she’ll never mention it unless she absolutely HAS to, and very defensively even then.

    • avatar Meh says:

      The poor kid has the rest of his life to wear jeans, suits and other manner of not sweatpants. Let him be comfy! Plus, fiddling with that belt during a diaper change in public has got to make the whole ordeal that much longer. Sad he has to put up with that.

    • avatar First World Pedicure Problem says:

      If she’s going to insist on dressing him in uncomfortable clothes, she should at least pick something cuter than plain jeans and a boring belt. There are so many cute outfits for babies that I resist buying for my little one because they are not soft and cuddly.

    • avatar Is Your Scuffin Nut Buttered says:

      Right on Buzz!! Damn that baby and his fussing…he needs to work on his outlook regarding tummy time. He should be GRATEFUL for tummy time. It takes away from the time that mommy could spend topping vegetables with 3rd degree burns with the left over fats of deceased marine life, or dripping her wild friend’s nut butter over the top of her chia-kale-cottage cheese-caviar-sea weed-blood of her ancestors (so organic) oatmeal!! Mommy is making time for you Carbz…you best be appreciating it!!

      Another thing that I noticed is that when she posted the pic of him at the doctor’s office, he was in a one-sie that CLEARLY showed a cloth diaper underneath. My bet is that she is cloth diapering for the photos that she know will be on the blog and using disposable the rest of the time (nothing wrong with that, but again, it’s the whole “deception” thing).

      Also, wasn’t Buzz the one to come to Kathy’s defense when she talked about “teaching him reflexes?” (God that quote hurt to type…TEACHING REFLEXES, KATH?) If I recall correctly, she said something like “Mazen told her so” when she (apparently) questioned him about using such reflexes.

      I don’t know…either Buzz has a super shitty sense of humor/grasp on sarcasm (which wouldn’t surprise me), or…well…we know where Kathy gets “it” from.

      • avatar eeee says:

        “dripping her wild friend’s nut butter”

        You just don’t even know where this phrase took my brain. I wish I could unimagine those thoughts. Ugh.

    • avatar Marsh Malloy, Private Eye says:

      So maybe this has been hashed out elsewhere, but what exactly is a request for a non-smiling picture? It seems like either a thinly veiled setup for a humblebrag (“Omg Kathy, your baby is so happy all the time! Do you even have any pictures where he isn’t smiling?”) or…something else? Are there people out there who see a picture of a grinning baby with chubby cheeks and think “Hmm, if only this happy baby picture had less…happy in it.”

      • avatar perilsofpauline says:

        She really did receive a request for non-smiling baby photos. I thought she complied quickly because everyone was giving her a hard time (on GOMI…you know she reads there and here) about posting sad face/crying photos of Baby Carbz when he was first born. She probably wanted to prove to her haters, “See! I’m giving my readers what they want!”

        Ella P March 8, 2013 at 5:30 am

        Dear Kath,
        thank you for this “window” on the lovely island & family & food. It feels like being there with you.
        Cutie Pie is cuter than ever. I have a little strange request here: I find babies adorable even when they cry or pull faces, could you take a couple of pics of those moments as well?

        A warm hug,
        Ella

        Reply
        . 94 Alicia @ Wanna Be Ina March 8, 2013 at 11:52 am

        Even if you don’t share sad or crying pictures, I hope you are taking those kinds of pictures. I find as I look back through my little guy’s pictures the ones with crocodile tears in them always pull at my heart strings the most.

    • avatar Anonymous says:

      Every comment that i’ve read from Buzz on Kath’s blog makes her sound like the biggest, creepiest, passive-aggressive asshole with a big grin on her face.

  10. avatar KERFETUS says:

    a-Muzed

    That is absolutely perfect.

  11. avatar perilsofpauline says:

    Maybe I’m not understaning what it is that Kath’s trying to say and the fact that I did not BF my children that I’m asking you wonderful hamladies who do/did to enlighten me. Is this line of thinking or rule of thumb correct? Is it safe for a BFing mom to drink until she gets a buzz? Shouldn’t the amount of alcohol consumed be taken into consideration? I don’t know why this bothers me so much. I guess because it seems as though Kath’s always putting her needs and wants before that of that sweet baby boy.

    Leah March 12, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Hey Kath, looks like a great weekend! Just curious…what is your general “rule” for alcohol and breastfeeding (i’m only assuming you are still breastfeeding). My daughter is 4 months and I haven’t quite figured out when the best time is. Sometimes at night her feeds are all over the place.

    Reply
    KathEats March 12, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Right after a feeding; no more than one drink at a time, which is sometimes stretched if it’s with food and I’m not feeling any of it

    • avatar HipsterCupcake says:

      I haven’t breastfed either, but I have heard of many women doing the “pump and dump” to help rid their milk of alcohol. I’ve never heard of Kathy doing this. Also, I can see it being easier to do when breastfeeding is less frequent, but this woman was drinking daily pretty well immediately after giving birth. I think another sleuthing hamcat looked at her old posts and counted 11 or 12 days in a row that she drank. The interwebz always remembers.

    • avatar sarawr says:

      Meh. Alcohol occurs in breastmilk at a rate similar to or slightly lower than it does in the blood — so if she really does one drink at a time,or even two, her milk probably has an alcohol concentration of .04-.06. That is… significantly less than the trace amounts in non-alcoholic beer, soda pop, commercial apple juices, and the like. It’s really, really not going to hurt Mazen, even if she doesn’t pump-and-dump; the hysteria over breastfeeding women consuming OMG ALCOHOL is a not-so-subtle societal thing that’s more about controlling women than it is about childrens’ health.

      I mean, there is a lot (excuse me, a lottttttttt!) to snark on, here, but the fact that Kath drinks some wine or whatever isn’t really it.

    • avatar Max says:

      The lactation nurse at the breastfeeding “class” we took before my first kitten was born said the longer you can space out the drink and the feeding, the better. She recommended just drinking a beer while you were feeding, because by the time your body made milk for the next feeding, you were probably good. (She had a great story about sitting topless on her back porch during a hot weather spell and nursing her baby while she drank a cold beer, and getting spotted by a very surprised elderly male neighbor.) I always got the sense that you’d have to drink a shitload of booze to really have it affect the kid, but I stuck to splitting a beer with my husband during the occasional feeding. I give Kath credit for nothing, but I don’t think she’s drinking enough to have it affect Mazen, especially since he’s started on solids and looks pretty sturdy. It might be different with a younger baby and a boozier mother.

      • avatar Jen X says:

        We got the same advice during our prenatal classes — drink as soon after a feeding as you can, best is even to do it while you nurse, since it takes about an hour for it to reach peak concentrations in your blood.

        My general rule if I wanted a drink was to do it slowly and with a meal, and to keep it below what I could feel. My booze tolerance is pretty low, so I don’t feel like I ever put my kitten at risk.

    • avatar Ham Nite says:

      “one drink at a time”? Isn’t that how you’re supposed to drink ‘em?

    • avatar Brownie Bite says:

      Pumping and dumping is misunderstood. If you are drunk, so is your milk. Some women pump to keep their supply up if they are drinking but give the baby a bottle.

    • avatar The Sunbutter Also Rises says:

      My pediatrician said a drink or two is fine. I usually have a drink every other day or so. It makes me nervous anyway…but just about everything makes me nervous. So sorry. So first-time mom.

  12. avatar piggyandtomato says:

    Not to whiteknight, but Chinchilly is a fabulous shade of gray. I’m bummed she picked it, and secretly happy she didn’t have time to get her toes painted. Lovely post otherwise, Conch.

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      Emily @ Cupcakes and Cashmere had a recent Nail Polish Guide post where she says that one of the first things she “notices about a girl’s appearance is her nail polish. I think it says a lot about her, or perhaps just her lifestyle, and whether she opts for something bold and bright or minimalist and subtle.” Chinchilly, described as a “sleek and chic no-fuss polish”, makes the cut on her ultimate nail polish chart.

      For me, sleek and chic are two adjectives that wouldn’t necessarily come to mind when describing Kathy. Also, I can’t imagine that Kath follows Cuppy…it’s got to be a coincidence that she mentioned the same nail color. Right?

      • avatar KERFETUS says:

        I’m hoping it’s a coincidence. I’ve been using a similar shade to Chinchilly (but an OPI version) for over a year as my go-to only because most standard red-spectrum polishes clash with half my clothes. Not to humblebrag, but other women stop me on the street to ask what it is. But I keep it mani only. I kinda think it’d look weird for a pedi? So sorry so misinformed about fashun.

        • avatar Smugnom Stevens says:

          It would look weird for a pedi – I tend to think bright colors look best on toes (although, personal story time, I got dumped by this guy and five years later he called me up and said, “You know, I just need to get this off my chest – I absolutely loathed that coral nail polish you used to wear on your toes and it definitely contributed to our breakup.”)

          Also, I want to assure everyone that only dumb-dumbs like Cuppy and my ex are trying to psychoanalyze people based on their nail polish. Life is not a Seventeen article entitled, “What Does Your Nail Polish Say About You?” and normal people don’t think that way, so don’t worry too much about your freaking nails.

          • avatar OrangePeel says:

            How did you not give yourself a hernia laughing at him?

            He calls after FIVE years? Dude needs therapy.

            An ex of mine complained my breasts were always so apparent. Even while in turtlenecks. I have 32DD’s…where were they supposed to go? “Oh excuse me, I will just put my breasts in my handbag so they are not protruding from my chest.”

          • avatar sarawr says:

            Hee hee hee. “Whoops, sorry! I forgot to change out of my evening boobs before I went to work!”

          • avatar KERFETUS says:

            I think *I* now have a hernia from falling over laughing at this thread, menopause cat up there, and the phrase “rustled my jimmies.” Someone IRL who also reads Smugnom is totally going to realize we are fat cat hair-covered allies in the shadowy clique (besides the Franzia swilling, or urb pro coffee tossing, whichever we’re inclined to do in public while magazine-reading thunderwalking) because I’m going to use that phrase too often and get outed in a restaurant or something. Almost makes me want to put menopause cat in a t-shirt and call it early retirement from trollin’ on the sly.

  13. avatar Cuntalina Hittler says:

    Haha, that’s totally a pillowcase. Good catch.

    And I’m not a Professional Blogger or domestic goddess, but run a hot iron over that before using it as a backdrop.

    • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

      I bet she’s scared of the iron, too.

      • avatar Meh says:

        This and the fact that Kath is the epitome of lazy. After the Fab.com post, she stated that her niche was food + home, yet she can’t be bothered to iron a napkin or peel and chop a butternut squash.

    • avatar Ocean Spray Diet is REAL food (when they're paying me to say so) says:

      THIS. There are several things about this woman that annoy the crap out of me, but I think this is the tops. You claim you are such a wonderful photographer, and take out stupid umbrella lamps just to shoot every damn meal…take the 3 minutes to heat up the iron and press the linens! Hell, press a bunch of them at a time (maybe your hired cleaning lady can even do it), and hang them over a hanger until you need to use them. It’s not rocket science, you dumbass science nerd!!!

      God, that felt good.



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