foodsmug, recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 37

Kathy’s recipe on Monday, a “Smoky Maple Lentil Salad,” promised the unholy union of pancakes and legumes — while also managing to sound like a bizarre evening eyeshadow look. How could it go wrong?

When I’m meal planning for the week I try to designate one night as “bean night.”

Please tell me the recipe involves Zoloft, because I’ve been close to death, divorce and the criminal justice system in the last year, but reading about Kathy’s painstaking plans for designating bean nights makes me want to crawl under all the blankets, ever, and never emerge. She continues:

This can range from a Mexican bowl of pinto beans to a bean soup…

Excuse me, Kathy, but Mexico just called. They’ve suspended the cartel warfare for the moment and are demanding an apology for you claiming to  have ever done anything “Mexican” to the poor pinto bean. Ordering a Traveling Taco one time at the Wildcat Den at Davidson doesn’t count as “Mexican,” Kathy. Give those poor people an apology. (After you write your letter to the French for the toast, the Irish for the soda bread and the Italians for the “Italian herbs.”)

Bonus points if I can make it in advance!

Oh, is Kathy under the impression that she gets extra credit for laying out her dinner every night like a good little girl? Because the rest of us are over here being adults. Some of us even have jobs, or multiple kids, or no spouse to help. Tell us again how “chaotic” your life is again?

Anyway, Kathy continues with Layer 2 of her Seven Layer Whine Dip by moaning about how queasy lentils have made her since her disastrous ginger coconut lentil soup (flavored with an entire teaspoon each of garlic, ginger, coriander and garam masala, because you wouldn’t want to risk actually tasting something aside from the sweet potato and celery and coconut milk.)

Maybe next time leave off the red Kinabalu leech bits?

Since she ate them while

…barely pregnant with morning sickness just beginning, I just couldn’t go near them for a while.

Poor barely nauseated, never-puking Kathy, screening her calls, setting herself to “invisible” chat, having to give her Ball Jar of beans all kinds of excuses about why she couldn’t hang out anymore…

For her third layer of seven-whine dip, Kathy bought frozen butternut squash (she had “saving time on [her] mind,” obviously — her life of looking after her baby, paying the housekeeper and eating room temperature nut butter is exhausting). And THEN, she realized how to save even more time: referring to it twice in the next paragraph as “b-nut.”

I LOVE b-nut squash, but I absolutely hate the peeling, scraping and dicing that goes along with it … for the ease of putting it in the oven frozen with a few daps [sic] of butter, salt and some maple syrup drizzled on top, I give it an A-

Firstly, really?

Of all the things to “absolutely hate,” prepping a fucking squash is among them? Was Kathy taking a long vacation on Bald Head Island the day the class learned about “war”? Secondly, that poor over-achieving butternut squash is going to go home in tears for that “minus,” you dab-misspelling meanie.

What other ingredients did she use? Maple syrup that the long-lost Rob and Seamane gave them for Christmas, which Kathy saved time by describing as

So thick and ….syrupy!

The seven-layer whine dip continues with layer 4*: Throwing Bath Matt under the bus for not buying the right kind of trendy green super food, and doing so using the mannerisms of a sheltered freshman in 2005 who calls everything “epic.”

I had wanted to use kale for this recipe, but Matt came home with collard greens, and they ended up being just as good. Chewy greens for the win.

Too bad there’s no darling little grocery delivery service in Cville that Kerf could have used and has such a great relationship with since she shilled for them in exchange for the ingredients for gross sun-dried tomato panko balls of meat like 2.6 posts ago. Anyway, the recipe calls for the squash (roasted in “a little” olive oil and “sprinkle of maple syrup,” because that’s totally a verb you can apply to a thick, viscous liquid), greens, feta and walnuts (toasted “until fragrant”) to be mixed with the lentils, which should be cooked “according to package” and should be the green kind because

 (they whole [sic] their shape better than brown)

The virtuous mess is then topped with a dressing made from more maple syrup, balsamic vinegar, mustard, salt and pepper, an optional “3 drops” of liquid smoke, cheese, and 2 T of EITHER fake garlic from a jar OR olive oil, because the two are totally the same thing.

We enjoyed the salad warm for dinner one night and served it atop of salad greens for lunch the next day. Finally we made lentil burgers with it the next evening – just added an egg, mashed it into patties and cooked in some sunflower oil. So many ways to morph** the leftovers.

Well, just as long as you didn’t eat it on a weekend, since the keywords

Keywords: entree vegetarian lentils kale feta butternut squash Weeknights winter fall summer

clearly indicate that this lentil salad may not be consumed on a Saturday. Especially one during the spring. God, that would be disgusting.

*The rest of the layers come tomorrow. Everyone knows how much people love reading “half a recipe.”

**Morph? Maybe ease up on the shape-shifting spells and your evenings won’t be so chaotic, Bellatrix LeSmug.


185 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 37



  1. avatar Homphgomphinator says:

    Sorry, totally off topic, but is anyone else having trouble getting on GOMI? My computer says “Forbidden” and I”m having major withdrawals!

    • avatar great oatsby says:

      I’ve seen that, but normally if I hit refresh, I can see it. It is running super slowly for me though.

      In other news, you couldn’t pay me money to eat those lentils. It tastes like feet!

    • avatar Anonymous says:

      Smugnom’s been running fine for me, but GOMI? Flakiest fucking website. The forums are all kinds of jacked up for me.

      • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

        Partypants ROCKS! I think GOMI just gets more and more popular and the server can’t keep up. If you look at Alexa, it’s a shooting star and higher ranked than most HLBs.

        • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!) says:

          PP is a star, agreed. Our ham is just too popular for its own good!

        • avatar Cheesy Fish and Fishy Broccoli says:

          That’s what happens when you offer a quality product and invite a sense of community among your readers… your popularity is well deserved, PP! I just patiently sip my Franzia so I don’t go into GOMI withdrawals in the meantime. :)

          • avatar HipsterCupcake says:

            Yes, while I am anxious when GOMI is down, I know it is because our fat, hammy masses are growing.Franzia-filled hat tip to you, PP!

    • avatar Homphgomphinator says:

      I finally managed to get on GOMI last night, went to fetch more chocolate and nearly tackled the hamhusband when I saw him about to navigate away from the page. The GOMI tab will now forever be at the top of my screen like some kind of eternal flame of snark celebration.

  2. avatar sarawr says:

    “Bellatrix LeSmug,” HAAAAAAAAA.

    It is bizarre to me that she spent the week putting maple syrup in bean soup, on greens, etc., because when she makes “French” “toast” and “pancakes,” it is nowhere in sight. I swear to cats, she deliberately looks for the wrong way to use food.

    • avatar Let's get franziaed says:

      Knowledgeable cat ladies have guessed that the “wrong way to use food” thing has something to do with her disordered eating. It totally baffles me. Kerfy has so many food rules that are utterly incomprehensible; warped thinking on her part is the only explanation that makes sense to me.

    • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

      Good point! Just ewww on her part. I gag thinking about Maple syrup on greens, but it is ah-mazen on pancakes! Nothing beats pure, real maple syrup when used on the right or in the right foods. I actually have heard of using it to sweeten squash, but we haven’t needed to do that.

    • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

      Other FUNNNN uses for syrup: Hair gel, shoe polish, marital aid.

    • avatar Bonanza Jellybean says:

      She must secretly be one of the Cunninghams.

  3. avatar DoTheLaundry says:

    The thought of pairing lentils with maple syrup is enough to make me gag. Then adding feta?? It’s like punishment.

  4. avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

    WHAT IS THAT BROWN STUFF. It looks like dog barf. I just need someone to tell me they didn’t actually eat whatever it was; I don’t think I can go on otherwise.

    bjcqhv.jpg

    • avatar lolganic ham says:

      IIRC, it was some kind of lentil soup. Kathy couldn’t eat it, but she blamed her nausea on “morning sickness” rather than the fact that it LOOKS LIKE DOG POO.

    • avatar Palatable Buffalo Meat says:

      Too bad that brown food is unappetizing!!

    • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

      You had me at Steve Corell (or however you spell his name.) Brilliant GIF!

  5. avatar watchmefall says:

    Thank jeebus Kath is there to let us all know that syrup is syrupy, otherwise how would we all go on living?

  6. avatar TrailMixer says:

    How can this be only 1/2 the recipe?

    Am I the only one around here who would not put that much effort into something that is going to absolutely taste like shit?

  7. avatar Princess NutButter says:

    “This can range from a Mexican bowl of pinto beans to a bean soup”

    What exactly is a “Mexican bowl”? A bowl made in Mexico or a style of pottery ( for example Fiestaware)? So many WTFs in her post. Her sentence structure, word choices, and spelling are inexcusable for a grown woman whose made up job is to, wait for it…..WRITE! UGH.

    Conch, as usual you read KERF so we don’t have to. I love you. (not really, just in catlady, basement dwelling, Franzia swilling kinda way.)

    • avatar Let's get franziaed says:

      I’m guessing they have Mexican bowls with a homebrew Matth crafted to particularly connect with the Mexican War of Independence?

      • avatar Princess NutButter says:

        Therefore adding crunch and texture (and radioactive isotopes) to the historical connection of homemade Mexican beer drunk from a Mexican bowl.

      • avatar sarawr says:

        Sir-vay-zuh. With absolutely no emphasis on any of the syllables, and a dorkily jaunty “look-at-us-we’re-so-hip” tone of voice. OH GOD WHY.

      • avatar Mazen Younger-Monson, UNC-Greensboro class of 2035 says:

        They’re food people, how dare you question their knowledge! FOOD PEOPLE, yo.

        • avatar MissAnthrope says:

          Breadheads, remember?

        • avatar matt monson is a gelding (a.f.f.) says:

          I forgot the bread heads think. That was amazingly lame. Just like how great harvests’ target market includes elite athletes.

          Too bad Michael Phelps already has a long term deal with subway, otherwise he’d be lobbying for the cville cash mob to visit grim harvests.

          On a side note, i live down the street from phelps, used to always see him at my favorite sandwich shop, towson hot bagels. I can not imagine him eating at subway. Just like i can’t imagine a real athlete eating matthole’s crappy scuffins or ‘isb’.

      • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!) says:

        Kath is a real language juror, you know.

    • avatar carlarossi says:

      We’re a culture, not a bowl!

  8. avatar pineapple head says:

    She thinks she is some innovative chef throwing new exciting flavors together that the world has never even thought of right?
    That has to be what goes on in her head when she piles stuff in a pot and then turns it into a sewer wall clog with sprinkles and crunch right? This is why she thinks she’s a foodie much like tossing a coffee is her pretending to be an urban professional she’s just mimicking what she thinks foodies do.
    Instead of realising that there are ways to pair food together that don’t have to taste and look like the floor of cafeteria after a food fight. Maple syrup, lentils, walnuts, collard greens, butternut squash and feta cheese just do not go together well. It just looks like a random grocery list.

    • avatar kumquat says:

      FLAVORS! ARE! FUN!

    • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

      Great observation. I truly think it’s a way of making sure food never tastes good enough that she might lose control and eat too much. Gaggy combinations equal safety, and they’re also a way to trumpet her superior virtue. Maple syrup on real French toast with the proper kind of bread and eggs AND milk is common because it is fucking delicious. But withholding the syrup from your French toast, and instead wasting it on Liquid-Smoke doused soggy lentils with feta cheese, provides two irresistible Kath-vantages. 1) You can only choke down a few mouthfuls (if any), so, winner winner diet dinner. 2) You show yourself to be a highly evolved, healthy eater who is morally superior to fat people who only eat food because it tastes good. Travel around Spain, or France, or Italy for awhile, and see how they prepare “superfoods” and vegetables with love and respect, not smug, virtuous sacrifice. Because there are endless healthy ways to prepare them so that they taste amazing, and because sharing them together around a table is joyous. That’s really the only way to understand why Kath is such an unholy abomination.

      • avatar Gretchen28 says:

        I loved this so much. And I think you are really on to something about her deplorable food combinations.

        • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

          There is a much better discussion of this above, sorry I didn’t see it sooner. She is so very strange. There is definitely some “la la la, I don’t even see your delicious potential, food, or bow to your power over me” delusion going on. I’m adventurous with strange food combos. But not when it seems like it’s rooted in hatred for the ingredients. It’s more than cluelessness with Kath, it’s outright hostility.

        • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

          Ditto. Pauliewalnuts i think that probably explains the real reason for her food combos.

      • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

        I want someone to make their username Kath-vantage.

        Great commennnntttt!!!! So much crunch and funnn!!!!!!

  9. avatar Kath Eats Real Splenda says:

    Dammit, this exchange just enrages me:

    Sarah March 11, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I love lentil salad, especially with feta. I have to ask, what is the appeal of kale? I know it’s nutritious, but does it have some advantage over collards or spinach or chard? I really hate kale and I’m wondering why it is featured in so many healthy recipes (not just yours) when a different leafy vegetable would taste better and probably be equally nutritious.

    Reply

    36 KathEats March 11, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    I like it because I find it allllmost to be sweet when cooked compared to some of the more bitter greens. I like the texture the most too. But if you don’t care for it, go with the others!

    Christ on a cracker, woman, she didn’t ask about the taste or texture — she asked if kale has a nutritional advantage over other greens. Isn’t she a REGISTERED DIETICIAN who could have given an educated and informative answer comparing vitamin and calcium contents and why kale is or isn’t superior? I’m so annoyed that I actually answered Sarah’s question. Still waiting to see if it gets past moderation or if Kath realizes I showed her up and decides to steal my answer for herself.

    • avatar Incredibly Drippy Goatmeal says:

      Only Kath would rate her GREENS based on sweetness and texture.

    • avatar Mazen Younger-Monson, UNC-Greensboro class of 2035 says:

      ” Isn’t she a REGISTERED DIETICIAN who could have given an educated and informative answer comparing vitamin and calcium contents and why kale is or isn’t superior?”

      Educated and informative? Surely you jest.

      • avatar KathActuallyEatsCrap says:

        She also says to salt your lentils before cooking…and everybody knows that’s just wrong. Sometimes I take to the comments to tell her when she’s doing things that are complete cooking no-nos…she just never gets it. This time she told me that lentils get mushy so a hard shell is probably a good thing. I’m gonna say her lentils get mushy because of an operator error. She must just enjoy the funnn texture of rock hard pellets.

        My thoughts are with anyone who thinks following her recipes is a good idea.

    • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

      Silly catlady. KERF didn’t get her RD to actually help anyone. She got it so she can fling it around like her urban cappuccino when she needs to get the last word.

    • avatar shortstuff says:

      “allllmost ”

      English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

    • avatar Day Old Spicy Tuna Roll says:

      As mockable as her posts are, the comment exchanges are where the true WTF-ery lies for me. She only uses two tones when communicating directly with her readers and they’re both offensive. One is that smug, dismissive tone she uses when answering a question like Sarah’s: she uses the minimum amount of words possible, forsakes punctuation, gives half-assed answers to questions, and basically gives the impression that she dashed off the answer inside of 10 seconds with no forethought. Her other tone, vague irritation, comes out when she’s on the defensive about something. Short, decisive sentences, punctuated and usually spelled correctly — showing that she thought about what she wanted to say just long enough to defend herself coherently, but DEFINITELY not long enough to take another person’s perspective into consideration.

      Once again, I fail to understand how she still has readers who look up to her without irony.

      • avatar Matt Monson's "surprise inch" (AFF) says:

        “Once again, I fail to understand how she still has readers who look up to her without irony.”

        Stupidity isn’t that rare, unfortunately.

      • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

        Perfect. This is the best explanation I have read of what exactly it is that catapults Kath past the other annoying blogs into what you rightly call true WTF-ery.

  10. avatar Hamlette says:

    I have to be thankful that my little 12-week-old fetus made me expel everything in my stomach BEFORE I saw the picture of syrupy lentils, because otherwise I might have actually barfed up an organ. Incidentally, my stomach contents looked exactly like that picture (minus toppings).

    • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

      Congratulations on your fetus!

      • avatar Hamlette says:

        Thank you!

        I want to be like, “Kath, come sit by me in front of the toilet so I can tell you allllllllll about morning sickness. Fun textures for the win!!!!1!”

  11. avatar Normal Snowflake says:

    I think it’s pretty great that Kath didn’t make the cut of AnneP’s favorite RDs to follow on Twitter. Was there some kind of falling out there? I know they used to be buddies and Kath was there when Anne’s husband proposed to her. Or is Anne just smart enough to realize that Kath Younger is in no way a quality RD?

    • avatar watchmefall says:

      I haven’t seen the list, but maybe she’s only including working RD’s?

    • avatar Mazen Younger-Monson, UNC-Greensboro class of 2035 says:

      I think if you value your career and its standards/body of knowledge it makes sense to omit someone like Kath. If I was making a list of my favorite a**hole lawyers, I would omit The Feminist Breeder’s LOLyer or KERF’s fake Oregon lawyer (Mama Pea’s husband, I think?).

    • avatar kumquat says:

      Kath rarely tweets about anything nutrition related. Just general whines, instagram, blog links and crowd-sourcing her baby questions.

    • avatar Michelle says:

      I wonder if Kath is even “registered” to be a dietician? Doesn’t she have to do a certain amount professional development to keep her accreditation? I remember her mentioning it now and then, but it’s been a long (I mean longggggggg) time since she’s mentioned attending a meeting, or taking a class. I wonder if Anne P maybe even asked Kath if she wanted to be on the list, but Kath couldn’t in good conscience do it because she’s not actually a dietician anymore.

      • avatar UrbPro says:

        Like Kath would make any type of professional decision “in good conscience”!! I believe her philosophy is based on taking anything and everything offered…even if it’s sugar-laden nutbutter (still makes me think of semen EVERY TIME I READ IT!!!) or chemical-laden non-food! It doesn’t matter what it is; if it’s free she’s taking it: that’s not an RD (italicized, natch) working in “good conscience”!!

      • avatar kumquat says:

        Some states require an additional licensure on top of the registered dietitian designation (like Missouri: http://www.eatrightmissouri.org/licensure/index.asp), but as far as I can tell, Viriginia does not. I think the continuing ed hours are a certain amount after you graduate, but then it’s done? I know there’s a few Real Registered Dietitians that hang out around here, so maybe someone will explain better.

        • avatar koshka says:

          VA doesn’t require licensure, just the registration exam and continuing education. I think that you have to have a certain number of hours per every 5 years so she’s probably fine.

          I think that they should include practical education hours along with their requirements but alas, I don’t get a say.

      • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

        There was a big discussion about this a couple of months ago (if you’re really interested I’m sure you can google it, but it wasn’t that interesting, heh).

        Kath is an RD and has either finished or is very close to finishing her required continuing education hours. She posted about attending lectures and seminars a few times last year.

        Her “advice” still isn’t worth a bucket of warm piss, but she’s technically a dietitian.

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      And may I add this:

      Allyson March 13, 2013 at 10:52 am

      Happy Registered Dietician Day

      Reply
      . 26KathEats March 13, 2013 at 11:29 am

      Thanks!

      Ugh…I can just picture the smirky smile on Kath’s face when she typed her reply.

  12. avatar Gran PeePaw and the Plum Smugglers says:

    wait, so “crunch!” “chew!” and “drippy” are NOT included as one of the five tastes?
    http://www.thirdcoastfestival.org/competitions/shortdocs/2013
    a part of me would love to see (hear) a submission from her. Imagine being able to hear her huffing and puffing through an audio short. ergghhhhh….

  13. avatar literallyvertical says:

    “We enjoyed the salad warm for dinner one night and served it atop of salad greens for lunch the next day.”

    Sooo…she put salad on her salad. Is this like a hot pocket inside another hot pocket? A hot pocket hot pocket.

    jim-gaffigan-hot-pockets.jpg



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