foodsmug, recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 37

Kathy’s recipe on Monday, a “Smoky Maple Lentil Salad,” promised the unholy union of pancakes and legumes — while also managing to sound like a bizarre evening eyeshadow look. How could it go wrong?

When I’m meal planning for the week I try to designate one night as “bean night.”

Please tell me the recipe involves Zoloft, because I’ve been close to death, divorce and the criminal justice system in the last year, but reading about Kathy’s painstaking plans for designating bean nights makes me want to crawl under all the blankets, ever, and never emerge. She continues:

This can range from a Mexican bowl of pinto beans to a bean soup…

Excuse me, Kathy, but Mexico just called. They’ve suspended the cartel warfare for the moment and are demanding an apology for you claiming to  have ever done anything “Mexican” to the poor pinto bean. Ordering a Traveling Taco one time at the Wildcat Den at Davidson doesn’t count as “Mexican,” Kathy. Give those poor people an apology. (After you write your letter to the French for the toast, the Irish for the soda bread and the Italians for the “Italian herbs.”)

Bonus points if I can make it in advance!

Oh, is Kathy under the impression that she gets extra credit for laying out her dinner every night like a good little girl? Because the rest of us are over here being adults. Some of us even have jobs, or multiple kids, or no spouse to help. Tell us again how “chaotic” your life is again?

Anyway, Kathy continues with Layer 2 of her Seven Layer Whine Dip by moaning about how queasy lentils have made her since her disastrous ginger coconut lentil soup (flavored with an entire teaspoon each of garlic, ginger, coriander and garam masala, because you wouldn’t want to risk actually tasting something aside from the sweet potato and celery and coconut milk.)

Maybe next time leave off the red Kinabalu leech bits?

Since she ate them while

…barely pregnant with morning sickness just beginning, I just couldn’t go near them for a while.

Poor barely nauseated, never-puking Kathy, screening her calls, setting herself to “invisible” chat, having to give her Ball Jar of beans all kinds of excuses about why she couldn’t hang out anymore…

For her third layer of seven-whine dip, Kathy bought frozen butternut squash (she had “saving time on [her] mind,” obviously — her life of looking after her baby, paying the housekeeper and eating room temperature nut butter is exhausting). And THEN, she realized how to save even more time: referring to it twice in the next paragraph as “b-nut.”

I LOVE b-nut squash, but I absolutely hate the peeling, scraping and dicing that goes along with it … for the ease of putting it in the oven frozen with a few daps [sic] of butter, salt and some maple syrup drizzled on top, I give it an A-

Firstly, really?

Of all the things to “absolutely hate,” prepping a fucking squash is among them? Was Kathy taking a long vacation on Bald Head Island the day the class learned about “war”? Secondly, that poor over-achieving butternut squash is going to go home in tears for that “minus,” you dab-misspelling meanie.

What other ingredients did she use? Maple syrup that the long-lost Rob and Seamane gave them for Christmas, which Kathy saved time by describing as

So thick and ….syrupy!

The seven-layer whine dip continues with layer 4*: Throwing Bath Matt under the bus for not buying the right kind of trendy green super food, and doing so using the mannerisms of a sheltered freshman in 2005 who calls everything “epic.”

I had wanted to use kale for this recipe, but Matt came home with collard greens, and they ended up being just as good. Chewy greens for the win.

Too bad there’s no darling little grocery delivery service in Cville that Kerf could have used and has such a great relationship with since she shilled for them in exchange for the ingredients for gross sun-dried tomato panko balls of meat like 2.6 posts ago. Anyway, the recipe calls for the squash (roasted in “a little” olive oil and “sprinkle of maple syrup,” because that’s totally a verb you can apply to a thick, viscous liquid), greens, feta and walnuts (toasted “until fragrant”) to be mixed with the lentils, which should be cooked “according to package” and should be the green kind because

 (they whole [sic] their shape better than brown)

The virtuous mess is then topped with a dressing made from more maple syrup, balsamic vinegar, mustard, salt and pepper, an optional “3 drops” of liquid smoke, cheese, and 2 T of EITHER fake garlic from a jar OR olive oil, because the two are totally the same thing.

We enjoyed the salad warm for dinner one night and served it atop of salad greens for lunch the next day. Finally we made lentil burgers with it the next evening – just added an egg, mashed it into patties and cooked in some sunflower oil. So many ways to morph** the leftovers.

Well, just as long as you didn’t eat it on a weekend, since the keywords

Keywords: entree vegetarian lentils kale feta butternut squash Weeknights winter fall summer

clearly indicate that this lentil salad may not be consumed on a Saturday. Especially one during the spring. God, that would be disgusting.

*The rest of the layers come tomorrow. Everyone knows how much people love reading “half a recipe.”

**Morph? Maybe ease up on the shape-shifting spells and your evenings won’t be so chaotic, Bellatrix LeSmug.

185 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 37

  1. avatar matt monson is a gelding (a.f.f.) says:


  2. avatar Respect, Privacy and Lies OH MY says:

    She needs to hire a person to proof read her blog posts. She’s losing touch with reality something horrid!

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      I’m currently editing a novel that the author wrote, in its entirety, on her iPhone. Tons of exciting autocorrected homophones and messed-up formatting to play with. Glad for the work, but holy hell if Kath’s lazy typage isn’t giving me flashbacks.
      At least my author gives a shit as to whether others can understand her or not.

      • avatar KERFETUS says:

        From another professional writer/editor, I have to say that sounds totally fascinating. I’ll trade you for some corporate sustainability white papers…

        • avatar kellogg says:

          I was thinking the same thing…and that this has to be one of Dante’s circles. But at the same time I’m so interested in what it’s about! Add me to the list, I’ll trade you CLE textbooks.

          • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

            So many members of the shadowy clique have writing-related jobs, it seems.
            I think it’s because Kath’s terrible writing and absurd existence offer more to analyze than the complete works of Joseph Conrad.

          • avatar KERFETUS says:

            I can’t seem to reply below but I suspect the reason some of us writer folk hang here is because 1) conch is a brilliant writer (though it doesn’t take one to know one, obviously) and 2) we can’t really believe Kath is real. Because I have edited a lot of shit in my day, but this is really off the charts bad. And it never, ever improves. It’s an incredible thing to witness, like a meteor shower or a yeti.


        • avatar The Old Bailey says:

          Aw man. Yeah, my day job is at a research organization, too. This is on the side. It’s a fun sleazy beach read–story and characters are pretty good!

          • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

            Interesting about the writing-related jobs. This must be why I do a quick tour around the sites where I expect to read funny and intelligent ideas from good writers, get bored and disappointed (not always, of course, but way too often) and then settle in here. Always the high point.

      • avatar kellogg says:

        wrote a novel on her iphone?


    • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

      That describes most of the HLBs.

  3. avatar Respect, Privacy and Lies OH MY says:

    Great job you are doing with the recaps, so much better than the original!

  4. avatar Is Your Scuffin Nut Buttered says:

    As someone who takes the “maximum” of Zoloft allowed, I pray to God that I do not come off as air headed as Kathy.

    I’ve finally figured out what she reminds me of…it’s like the Truman Show, but in this case, Kath is in COMPLETE CONTROL of her own destiny. And more importantly, SHE IS IN COMPLETE FUCKING CONTROL OF WHAT THE WORLD SEES. God damn, I bet Truman wishes he had that chance. Even if some of her actions are questionable, she has the luxury of NEVER having to reveal them, but she is SO FUCKING STUPID that she posts things that are undesirable and acts shocked when they are met with any criticism.

    Conch, brilliant. I don’t know how you create such beauty out of such a meaningless spewing of words. You make the horror that is Kathy’s life so pleasurable…


    Btw…I nannied for two children today that had salmon for dinner…I LITERALLY almost puked while heating it up for them and thinking about Kathy and her fish drippings.

  5. avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

    Bellatrix LeSmug…A-Mazen!

  6. avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

    And THE ROOM…..
    Tommy Wiseau was brilliant “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
    I love that movie. so anyway how’s your guys’ sex life?

    • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

      Kath to her readers: “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!”

      • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

        Also, bean night? I love a hearty legume as much as the next blahgger, but Kath and Matt are mainly mainlining lentils because they’re CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP.

        • avatar gwenhara says:

          They have to cut costs somewhere so KERF can have her 14$ a jar nut butter.

        • avatar Inconceivable! says:

          Bean night sounds about as sexy as granny panties. Maybe this is why they often sleep in different bedrooms….

        • avatar Spooky says:

          Bean Night really makes me laugh. I seriously wouldn’t trade lives with Kerfknuckle for all the nutbutter in Trader Joes.

          • avatar ratherbeinmelbourne says:

            With Bean Night, all I can think of is the movie “About Last Night” where Demi Moore tells BFF Elizabeth Perkins that she and Rob Lowe’s new live-in dinner arrangement is :”Two nghts I cook, two nights he cooks, two nights we go out, and then…there’s Sandwich Night.”

          • avatar The Old Bailey says:

            Me neither. My life may not be a thrill a minute, but we don’t have “Bean Night,” and for that I thank God.

          • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

            Trader Joe’s Nutbutters aren’t that great. The cocoa almond spread is pretty good taste-wise but it’s all sugar, I think.
            I can’t keep it in the apt.

          • avatar sevanetta says:

            This woman leads a joyless, soulless life. I mean we knew that, but bean night. Bean Night. I like beans but omg.

        • avatar Kneading fake bread with my hairy arms says:

          I guess you can imbibe in bean night if you and your spouse don’t co-sleep? why is she so proud of herself for have a Vegee night, she is too cheap to be an actual omnivore anyways.
          PS I was sad there was no mention of Mayzien, I feel like if he doesn’t get a blog shout out he also doesn’t receive any hugs from kerfmagesty

          • avatar eeee says:

            I know you meant “indulge” but all I can think of now is Kathy making a bean-based milkshake-type drink (probably with buckwheat for crunch) and I think I’m going to throw up now.

        • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

          See now we do bean night too because they are yummy and yes, cheap, but Kath is ruining it. Kath, if you are reading this. You need to start over. Next time you do bean night look up one of these recipes: black beans and rice, pasta fagioli, snobby joes or burrito. I would say to most people just use the recipe as a starting point if you are feeling creative, but to you dear Kath, I say, follow it to a T, even if there are *gasp* onions!

          • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

            Oh and once you master those Kath, there are some great red bean or lentil curry recipes on the net, but baby steps, baby steps!

    • avatar Humbert Humbert's Nut-But-tah says:

      THE ROOM! It’s my favorite bad movie. Conch, Rhodes, have my heart.

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

        At the next meeting of the shadowy clique, I propose we dress up in black tie and throw a football around a parking lot/alley before going indoors for the eating of the onions and garlic, and Franzia. At some point, a ham shall announce ‘let’s go outside” and as soon as we are outside she’ll suggest we go back inside.

    • avatar Cuntalina Hittler says:

      Oh, hai, Conch! Fantastic job on recapping half a half-assed recipe.

    • avatar DiabeticToast says:

      The Room gif has made my day. Conch, you’re so beautiful!

  7. avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!) says:

    How is this a salad? Wait, did she eat the collards raw? Does she understand nothing about nutrient bioavailability?

    I’m not even touching the maple syrup business*.

    *As to that of which we cannot speak, let us pass over it in silence. — Wittgenstein

    • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

      As a registered dietitian (read that out loud in italics) she’s entitled to ignore bioavailability and just eat foods for the funnnn texture for the win!!!!

      … while leaving her more gullible readers with the impression that as a registered dietitian, all her food and food preparation choices are well thought out, evidence based, and compatible with the human palate.

      Aside: I cooked an octopus yesterday and now I’m thinking it would be hilarious to see her cook either that or squid. It’s not hard to cook them the right way and arrive at a tender, tasty result, but don’t do it the right way, you wind up with a tough, rubbery mess. She likes chewy things…

      • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

        Could I tell you I fuckin’ love octopus and squid. This one restaurant we used to go to occasionally (before kids and before eating out became a rare thing) did octopus in some lemony olive oil garlic sauce that was to die for. I will admit, I once tried cooking squid and it indeed turned into a rubbery mess :(.

      • avatar DoubleEntendre says:

        I can almost picture it.


      • avatar World O' Gluten says:

        Darn, I can’t find the picture I was looking for…there is a wonderful Barbara Eden TV movie from 1973 called “The Stranger Within,” in which she is impregnated by a ray from outer space. The alien embryo has her doing some weird stuff, including eating an entire raw octopus. Quality stuff!

      • avatar DoubleEntendre says:

        Poor lil Carbz.


    • avatar DoubleEntendre says:

      Did you hear the one about the RD with the mockable blog?

    • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

      Did he really say that? That’s glorious.

  8. avatar snark in the city says:

    What in the name of God is that brown slop with the little red bits on top? Dose Mazen have dysentery?

    I thought I had seen her worst with the CSI Charlottesville edition crock pot chicken from the last recap, but this one takes the six-month- old- pulled- from -the -depths- of- the- freezer- and- thawed- out cake.

    And in what universe are greens supposed to be CHEWY?! SO much wrong with this. So. Much. Wrong. Anyone else wondering if she is going above and beyond to make her culinary creations so monstrous that Matth will eventually take on all cooking responsibilites or allow for take out or restuarant meals nightly? If so, she may actually be a diabiolical genius of master manipulation.

    • avatar Jules says:

      Conch, you’re fucking with us right? Please tell me she’s not REALLY eating this stuff, and you’re just bored and and franzified and picking random words out of the dictionary to entertain yourself with how gullible we are.

    • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

      Does Mazen have dysentery. Dying at that.

  9. avatar gwenhara says:

    I’m waiting for the day we get a post that reads:

    Today I had o-meal w/ syrupy syrup wearing a jacket of b-wheat under a dap of c-butt and nutty n-but with g-yo on the side for fuuuun! And b-day cake crumbs from my freezer for texture (but no b-sug because I don’t like sweets) Whee!

  10. avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

    Has anyone ever told her that it’s easier to remove the skin from a b-nut squash (eyeroll) if you at least partially (or completely) cook it in the oven or microwave (after either piercing the skin a few times or cutting it up)?

    Unrelated, but is the definition of insanity reading these recaps every day (love them, Conch! they’re funnnnnnn!) with the expectation that KERF will suddenly experience a glimmer of self-awareness?

    • avatar KERFETUS says:

      Tonight I told my huscat about the performance art theory, and then I showed him the recent photos of whatever we’re calling that bean mash Sriracha lump, the sweet potatoes with strawberry yogurt and coconut butter, or the garbage disposal pile of things allegedly known as chicken, rice, yogurt, and Brussels sprouts. He is absolutely convinced this must be an elaborate hoax. Meanwhile, I am definitely insane if reading and assuming something in Kerflandia will change is any indication. Happy to be among the skeptical and crazy ham ladies!

      • avatar sevanetta says:

        I’m with your husband. i simply can’t take her seriously. nobody could eat this food. and if she is for serious, I still don’t believe she eats all of this stuff or only what she posts pictures of.

    • avatar kumquat says:

      Don’cha’know, in Former La Kerf La Land, removing the squash skin is just plain inefficient.

      • avatar dammitannie says:

        Does that say she had TWO QUARTERS of a bagel on the side????

        Why not one half, Kerfuffle?

        • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

          Maybe they were quarters from different bagels, collected as leftovers over an unspecified period of time and frozen for just such an occasion…

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      Yes, a reader patiently tried to explain this to Kath, but I think she had trouble grasping the concept:

      Grace March 11, 2013 at 8:41 am

      I love lentil salad! Did you see the recent episode of America’s Test Kitchen on lentil salads? They recommend soaking them first in a brine then cooking them in the oven (!) so they will best retain their shape.

      And OMG, you don’t have to peel/seed/chop a butternut squash, wow that sounds like a lot of unnecessary work! Just bake it whole in the oven and then let it cool a bit; the skin just slides off and you can easily scoop out all of the seeds when you cut it up to eat it. Super easy!

      KathEats March 11, 2013 at 8:47 am

      But if you want butternut cubes, you have to peel + chop!

      Grace March 11, 2013 at 8:49 am

      You can still cut it into cubes after it’s cooked, it’s a lot easier!

      KathEats March 11, 2013 at 8:50 am

      It’s not all mush!? So you only cook partly?

      Grace March 11, 2013 at 8:57 am

      I cook it all the way through, but it’s no more mushy than peeled, cubed and roasted butternut squash; I can still cut it into cubes after it’s fully cooked. Yes, you won’t get as much Maillard reaction by cooking it whole, but that’s not as big of a deal to me since it saves me so much work, and I imagine that it’s still miles above frozen butternut squash.

      • avatar KERFETUS says:

        Holy fuck balls alive. She is one seriously dim bulb. How has she not just flickered out yet and gone into a moron coma? Who are these people leaving these comments? Which of you wants to claim it? Or are they just actors in this elaborate performance with no end?


  11. avatar wine oh says:

    OK – this is my first time (I think) commenting on smugnom, but since I enjoy it so much I want to thank you Conch for the giggle fits that ensue (yeah I probably spelled that wrong) from EVERY recap. How do you do it? Not to mention the comments, which always slay me. I seriously feel like I should be paying for this kind of entertainment. I can’t believe “atop” escaped criticism. I know it’s a minor offense, but seriously. ATOP??? No – stop with the atop, right now. It is banished kerfster.

    • avatar Kath Eats Real Splenda says:

      I know! The fact that she wrote “atop of” just really bothers me. “Atop” implies “of,” Kath. And oh dear god, using the word syrupy to describe syrup? I can’t. I just can’t.

  12. avatar Inconceivable! says:

    Feta with maple syrup? HURK.


  13. avatar BeanyMalone says:

    Great, great recap Conch!

    What would the squash have had to do to rate an A+ from la Kerf? Rock Baby Carbz to sleep? Have “b-nut” on the package label, rather than butternut?

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      I was about to say, “not have skins,” then realized that it must be the PREPACKAGED squash she gave an “A-” to. Is that correct? Geez. She probably really thought about it, too. Too bad no one cares about the “grades” she bestows on random food products. She’s like a little girl playing teacher.

      • avatar Yana says:

        I don’t even get the issue with skins. I have two kittens and a job and I can still find the extra minute or two in my day that it takes to separate squash from its skin. I get that the whole squash isn’t as convenient as the frozen version, but it’s not exactly hard to manage either.

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