lifesmug, recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 36

With all the giddiness of someone enthralled by “texture combos” and puzzled by the mysteries of whether one drinks or eats a smoothie, Kathy sat down with a “second cup of joe in hand,” by which she means decaffeinated froth she plays at being coffee and introduced her weekly roundup of random food items thusly:

…“omg, I haven’t written my Saturday post yet!” My Adaptation has been amazing for our family, and it’s allowed me so much more time to spend with them.

Kathy, everyone — perhaps the only 30-year-old who thinks it’s appropriate to say “omg” and then refer to how she doesn’t post a daily food journal online anymore as “My Adaptation” like she’s Willa Fucking Cather or something.

So what did Kathy eat this last week?

• Oatmeal that claims to be “whipped,” containing both landscape gravel-looking, tooth-fracturing raw buckwheat (Kathy’s “new favorite texture combo!”) and on top with two kinds of cutesy fat, coconut and “sunbutter.”

• A smoothie Kathy is confused about because she doesn’t know what she’s doing to them — “drinking (eating?)” — and plus, she has to get “pumped up for” said smoothie because she doesn’t want one because she’s “always in the mood for something hot this time of year.” Guys, life is tough. No one ever told Kathy that adult life would be faced with these kinds of mind-wracking philosophical impasses. Luckily, Kathy overcomes in classic style, by laying out her smoothie shit the night before so that she doesn’t have to grapple with frozen berries, frozen peaches, a halved banana, milk and Greek yogurt.

The perk was less time from bed –> breakfast in the AM!

I mean, really. Girlfriend has so-called “Irish Soda Bread” from the fakery to toast! She doesn’t have time to think about making a smoothie! Or constructing a sentence that doesn’t look like it was transcribed directly from a grocery list on the back of an electric bill envelope.

• “French toast” made from aforementioned alleged “Irish Soda Bread,” which is basically an international incident waiting to happen. Alas, even with bananas and sweetened nut butter (sold on a site that has you add the product to your “nest” instead of your basket, because heaven forbid adults not get to pretend that buying ground up nuts and sugar online is like a trip to Disneyland) it was still disappointing. Quoth Kathy:

(it wasn’t my favorite because it wasn’t dense and doughy like our whole grain breads)

• Salad and a thing of strawberry yogurt and what looks like a potato with said yogurt glopped on it. Kathy manages to describe this meal using no verbs whatsoever, because part of “My Adaptation” is being 26% less comprehensibly than normal:

Salad + leftover green beans + leftover sweet potato wedges with coconut butter + ISB + avocado + SIggi’s Strawberry!

Better eat it before it slides clear off the counter, Kathy.

• The “Irish Soda Bread” would not die, with “melty butter on top” (as opposed to the kind of butter that does not melt and is served underneath the bread), accompanying a spinach salad with “Trader Joe’s smoked herring, carrots, celery, red pepper, a touch of mayo and mustard.” Just a touch, y’all, because you wouldn’t want to go overboard with the heady flavor combinations of mayonnaise and mustard.

• Spinach salad “topped with leftover lentil salad I made for dinner (I really should show dinners first because I use leftovers so often!) with avocado, goat feta and Garden Of Eatin’ Sweet Potato Chips (still in love).” Thank you for including your notes to yourself about how you should organize your blog, Kathy. Way to add value for your readers.

• More spinach salad, fakery “Gouda and Stout bread” and

Leftover quiche (see dinners)

Don’t tell me what to do, Kathy! And please, tuck that spinach back in. It’s unseemly.

• Said quiche she promises she will turn into a “full recipe” because, even at incomplete-recipe status, she and Bath Matt are “obsessed” with it. Like, seriously, they’re checking up on their quiche’s Facebook status every ten minutes and driving by its house late at night with their headlights off and sending weird letters to the quiche’s ex-girlfriends and shit. It’s actually kind of disturbing.

“You belong to me, quiche!”

• Baked halibut with lemon and parmesan cheese that looks like it came from a can, potatoes “and more parm cheese” and broccoli allegedly “sauteed … with the drippings from the fish” and topped with “more cheese!” that she again takes the time to say was “on top!” Because one of the keys to an “amazing” dinner is making sure you don’t sprinkle cheese beneath, nearby, or through things.

Also, thank goodness she specified “parm cheese,” because otherwise she could totally be talking about parm wine, parm nut butter or parm cupcake sprinkles.

• “Lentil Salad with Butternut Squash, Collards, Walnuts and Feta [Recipe coming this week!]” and boy, that recipe can’t come soon enough, because how the hell else would someone figure out how to cook a lentil, heat up some squash and collards, and combine those with walnuts and feta? Without the proper guidance, you’re liable to end up with some inedible abomination like walnuts, feta, collards, squash and lentils —  blech!

• Our saint of recipes again promises guidance with her “crockpot herbed chicken with rice and Brussels sprouts. Greek yogurt on the side,” swearing that she will soon provide her readers with “Half a recipe.”

Which half? That’s the surprise! It’s like Kathy’s Cardenio — half a recipe tantalizingly lost in the mists for all time! I hope she tells us the half of the recipe instructing readers on how to turn chicken into Laura Ingalls’ sod hut.

• There was also some bewildering time travel brought on Kathy’s trip to her sister’s wedding location scouting weekend:

It was a short week because of our trip to Bald Head. I went from palm trees to SNOW – 9 inches!!

So, yeah. You think you lost an hour with Daylight Savings Time? A vortex betwixt Charlottesville and the North Carolina shore literally ate part of her week — and probably without nut butter! Back at home, the horrors continued, as Kathy “hunkered” at home, closing the fakery she wouldn’t have been going to anyway and avoiding the part of her yard underneath the scary tree limbs with snow on them, even though she would have no reason to go out into her yard in the middle of the winter anyway with no neighbor cats to bother and dirty carrots to be grossed out about.

Pictured: Scary branches and either a black hole or a porch light without fill flash.

Kathy ends with a random baby-brag about how Baby Carbz is an A student in height. Because she is totally such a self-proclaimed “nerd,” she explains it in bafflingly advanced science speak:

His dad’s side of the family has some tall, tall genes, so we think he might have pulled more from the Y than the X in that category

That, or it was all the spray paint and oats while he was gestating.

237 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 36

  1. avatar Orangey-Orange (formerly Older-Monson) says:

    Earlier this afternoon I clicked through a slideshow on HuffPo of some of the thousands of dead pigs turning up in a river in Shanghai. Seeing photos of dead animals floating in a river of trash was more appetizing than the photo of her crockpot herbed chicken.

    • avatar too stupid to think of a witty name says:


      Also, as a brief aside, why can noone ever use a whole banana in a smoothie? Where does the other half go? Does one refrigerate it for later or eat it whilst preparing said smoothie? I find this highly perplexing!

      • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

        When I used to like bananas and ate them in smoothies, I would use half in the smoothie and eat the other half stirred into the smoothie.
        I was 7 years old, so you know, I get a pass.

      • avatar Loise says:

        I have always wondered about that as well. Maybe using a whole banana will cause them to gain 20 pounds?

        • avatar Orangey Orange (formerly Older-Monson) says:

          I actually use 1 1/2 bananas in my smoothies (usually split 3 bananas into 2 tupperware containers.) I guess I really am SFSS!

      • avatar Surprise Inch says:

        Yes! They come prepackaged FFS. I would give her a pass if she was making a double batch and giving half to Matt, but we all know he’s still full from his meal the night before, and has made his exit to the bakery before her KERFness deigns to remove her dainty ballerina body from her bed anyway.

      • avatar Incredibly Drippy Goatmeal says:

        I actually do use half a banana in my smoothies but it’s because I buy bananas when my 4-year-old insists that he’s going to eat them, then he doesn’t, then I freeze them just before they turn into puddles of goo. I break them in half when I do that and just use one half for a smoothie. Otherwise it’s too banana-y if I use a whole one.

        Since this is KERF, I’m guessing she uses bananas that she bought 2.6 years ago and stashed away in her Freezer of Doom.

        • avatar swimminginvinegar says:

          I do the same except once I forgot to peel them first. That was stupid.

          Conch, brilliant as always! The quiche gif is my new favorite thing.

          • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

            swimminginvinegar says: [not really, paraphrasing]
            I EAT THE PEEL!!! But I try not to eat the peel but Matt will eat it if I don’t.
            For fiber and texture. Peeling a banana is not efficient. Just jam into your blender and eat your smoothie.
            My intestines don’t really like the banana peel. Too much fiber :(

      • avatar Extremely Large Size Medium says:

        If I use half a banana in my smoothie, I eat the other half.

        I do know someone who told me she only ever eats half a banana at a time and saves the other half in a baggie in the fridge for the next day before “bananas are so calorie dense”. And that’s when I knew we could never be friends.

    • avatar Rhodesian Sailor thinks Luther GIFs are fucking magical says:

      But yet, brown food is unappetizing according to the 26th Duchess of KERF.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      It seriously looks like it has poo on it.

      • avatar Princess NutButter says:

        I only use half a banana when I make a smoothie. I freeze the other half so I have a supply of back up bananas when I run out of fresh. I like frozen bananas or a little ice in my smoothie because there is nothing worse than a warm smoothie!

    • avatar Bonanza Jellybean says:

      I always use a whole one in mine. This usually means I have to add less honey.

  2. avatar snarkyham says:

    Fish drippings? That’s a new low.

    That crockpot recipe looks like a complete disaster.

    • avatar pills and whine says:

      ugh i know.fishy broccoli*herk*

    • avatar Foodie + Home says:

      I completely agree with you. Fish Drippings should be someone’s user name, fo sho

      • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

        I didn’t even know cooking fish created drippings. Does she mean the watery stuff you get when the pan is not hot enough? HERK indeed.

    • avatar Princess NutButter says:

      I think that fish and scatterings of canned Parm over poor, unsuspecting vegetables is the most disgusting thing KERF has posted. Cooking broccoli in “fish drippings”? That’s a new low, even for Kath.

      Off to hurl my Noosa breakfast.

      • avatar Baby Got Backlisted says:

        “Scattering of parm cheese”. It looks like she dumped the whole damn can all over her plate. Or maybe the cap broke off like the TJ’s cinnamon sugar.
        And that herbed chicken looks like she rubbed it under a lawn mower first, then plopped it over a pile of Mason Dixon’s mustard colored (WHITE COLOR FAMILY) diaper doo.

    • avatar HamStain says:

      Seriously. I had an involuntary shudder at the mere thought of broccoli cooked in…well, you know. Don’t make me type it.

      And that crockpot monstrosity? If Conch hadn’t expressly explained what it was, I would have thought that Kath skipped the bison and used cow flop in her slow-cooker recipe. For fun! And TEXTURE!!1!

  3. avatar bucky says:

    The quiche looks good (although I bet it needs onions). The rest look like the same crap as usual.

  4. avatar Eyelash Sweater says:

    Why does she eat this food? Why does she put yoghurt where it doesn’t belong? Why does she eat a smoothie with a spoon?

  5. avatar French toast says:

    So, the quiche actually looks edible. But cheese on fish? No. No no no.

    • avatar Sweetening My Cheese says:

      No, no cheese on fish, not even parm cheese! And “sauteed” broccoli in the fish juice? W.T.F.? Gross!

      • avatar Black Honey of the Shadowy Clinique says:

        I heard about this Parmesan nightmare from you all over the weekend, but NEVER did I think it would look like that. Seriously, I thought you all must be exaggerating.

        I will never doubt the Hamcat Shadowy Clique again.

      • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

        I couldn’t even see that dinner under all the canned parmesan dumped on it.

        I know mixing cheese and fish is usually a don’t but I love a good alfredo with shrimp in it. Did I just Kerf myself for admitting that?

        • avatar Mazen Arizona says:

          Fish and cheese might upset culinary purists, but it’s common combination in kosher cuisine (hello, tuna melt and lox with cream cheese!).

          • avatar NormalSnowflake says:

            I love a good tuna melt or a Fishamajig from Friendlys. But no to this nasty looking fish with green can cheese and broccoli cooked in the leftover fish water. Just no.

        • avatar Judy McCunterson says:

          That abomination of hers is probably why the purists remain fish and cheese segregationists. Because BAD THINGS CAN HAPPEN.

          • avatar Albie Quirky (No Relation!) says:

            It was like that time when pumpkin and goat cheese got married. I’m just thinking of the children.

          • avatar MissAnthrope says:

            Come on…everyone knows filet-o-fish is the bomb. Where would one be without its lone slice of American cheese?

    • avatar lolganic ham says:

      It was probably edible because Kathy didn’t have anything to do with cooking it.

  6. avatar gwenhara says:

    What does she have against typing words out? b-nut squash? Are you fucking kidding me? b-nut squash?

    • avatar Smugnom Stevens says:

      Bust-a-nut squash?

    • avatar hardboiled says:

      Typing out whole words takes time away from her family, duh. Amazin!

    • avatar pauliewalnuts says:

      The way she talks about food is so ridiculous. “Here are some things that have impressed me lately.” “I give this b-nut squash (and its daps (sic) of butter) an A-.” Food has been her most important daytime companion and pastime and obsession for so many years now that she personifies it like one of her little playmates who is breaking the Mother Game rules. (You can look at my American Girls but you can’t touch them! I’m going to tell my mom to tell your mom that you can’t come over any more.) B-nut squash is an asshole who insists on making Kath peel and chop it even though she has made it clear she doesn’t have time for that. Not to mention it has all those letters that Kath is too busy to type out. (But buttercream frosting pleases and impresses her, so it gets to keep all its letters. Oh buttercream, you can even take Samantha’s shoes on and off as long as I am supervising you. Wedding cake for the A+ win!! Best and most obedient food-friend ever!)

      • avatar kumquat says:

        My favorite time was when she sliced up an acorn squash and roasted it and proudly proclaimed she eats the skin. The next day, she posted about her indigestion from squash skin eating. Gross.

      • avatar kumquat says:

        Ha, found it, Sept 2010. 1.) The sentence under this photo makes absolutely NO sense. 2.) The squash is crazy overcooked. I don’t know why she says here that she “does eat the skin but tries not to” because she LOUDLY PROCLAIMS with UNDERLINES several other places on the blog that she does eat the skin because she’s better than ya’ll.

        “I EAT THE SKIN!!”

        • avatar The Old Bailey says:

          “…the squash just needed some coconut butter. They asked politely, please and thank you.”
          Oh BROTHER.

        • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

          Why is it mysterious to her that inedible things are inedible?
          The skin of the acorn squash does a number on her intestines. O RLY?
          I try not to eat orange and banana peels. This fact is so interesting I just had to share it with my friends on the internetz.

        • avatar colorblocked moonshiner says:

          ‘buttercream and the squash skins’ sounds like a band that would play at durty nelly’s. (for all you c-villains out there).

    • avatar ratherbeinmelbourne says:

      At least she didn’t write, “buttah-nut.”

    • avatar Polka Dot Avocado says:

      ISB-why can’t she write out Irish Soda Bread?!

  7. avatar Hardboiled says:

    That quiche looks like the best thing she’s eaten in months, if not years. No wonder they are stalking it.

  8. avatar HB says:

    When I got to the paragraph about the quiche, I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Thank you, Conch!

    • avatar Augustcat says:

      “You belong to me, Quiche!” — Hilarious, Conch!
      And yeah, in a throwdown of Laura Ingalls’ sod hut vs. Kath’s atrocious-looking crockpot herbed chicken (gag), in the categories of taste, plating, creativity, and originality, it’d be Laura Ingalls’ sod hut “for the win!!!”

    • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

      Oops=someone already mentioned it. Yes, the quiche stalking part of Conch’s recap was brilliant. Could not stop laughing!

  9. avatar pineapple head says:

    I just don’t get why she would even bother posting that horrific septic tank looking crock pot meal. Why not just mention it? Readers already know she’s cutting back on the blog so it shouldn’t be a big deal if she omits a photo now and then.
    Seriously it looks and sounds vile.
    I also wonder if she’s trying to get some sort of book deal with all the mentions lately of recipes coming up and great meals that they are going to perfect.
    The quiche looks edible but then I look at the crust and I think that bottom looks almost raw still. You would think that Bath Matt being such a foodie baker would blind back the crust.

    • avatar snark in the city says:

      “septic tank chicken”. DEAD.
      Forget a book deal, Kerf is probably trying to get a Food Network deal.
      Judging from this post, she may have a good shot at it–I hear they are casting for a new season of “Worst Cooks in America”.

    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      Oh heavens–a book deal. May the publishing gods pass that one over.
      But what am I saying? She was featured in a dog food magazine ad. Clearly, a cookbook is next for dear Kaf.

  10. avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

    Kath and Bathmatt’s crockpot herbed chicken looks like the time in undergrad that the toilet backed up in my 5-person, one bathroom house, piled on top of some dog barf. That is unquestionably the grossest thing I have seen from her yet. There was no need to post that on the blog, never mind threaten to provide a recipe. I like to think that it was totally inedible and they actually went out for pizza or something that night, because really.

    Also, fish drippings.

    • avatar Inconceivable! says:

      Dying laughing at your comment! Seriously, that chicken looks vile.

      Also… that’s supposed to be rice? Was it supposed to end up all mushy? I’m kind of hoping it was arborio rice, which was intended to end up with a risotto consistency. Still kind of misses the mark, but that would be the best (or, you know, least worst) of the possible scenarios I can think of.

    • avatar kellogg says:

      it looks like that gross pre-packaged pre-formed stuffed tilapia filets from the grocery store that they market to singles and old people and people who hate themselves and hate seafood, you know the kind made with Krab (TM) salad that doesn’t change shape or color when baked. I don’t even know how she was able to replicate that at home with a slow cooker and not fish.

      • avatar ratherbeinmelbourne says:

        Yeah, they definitely took “herbed” too far, it looks like they dumped two bottles of McCormick’s something-or-other seasoning in the crockpot. AND WHY GREEK YOGURT ON THE SIDE?

        This is my favorite Greek yogurt thingy these days…


  11. avatar jel29 says:

    ” A vortex betwixt Charlottesville and the North Carolina shore literally ate part of her week — and probably without nut butter!”

    Many laughs were had over this line.


    Don’t tell me.

    • avatar too stupid to think of a witty name says:

      I know you said I shouldn’t tell you, but for me the term fish drippings evokes memories of my year 7 health teacher who told us that sometimes when a girl was menstruating she smelled like fish *down there*.

      Fish drippings indeed.

  12. avatar Asinine Musings says:

    ” I use leftovers so often!”
    See what you did there Kathy? It’s so clever how you say the opposite of what you mean all the time, keeps us on our toes!

  13. avatar The Free Mazens says:

    strawberry yogurt on a sweet potato.

    Strawberry Yogurt On A Sweet Potato.



    • avatar The Old Bailey says:

      Shhh. There, there. Just forget it ever happened.

    • avatar BANAL: Buckwheat/Beer/Bears and Nutbutter/Naps Are Life! says:

      My thoughts exactl! Great GIF! My gawd Kerf-woman….a sweet potato is a gift from God-all you need to do is bake, roast or fry, possibly include some olive oil and you have a tasty superfood to dance on your tastebuds. Don’t put pink jiz on it. Just no!

    • avatar Foodie + Home says:

      Nah – the stuff on the sweet potato is the coconut butter – all 2.6 pounds of it. The siggis yogurt is in the upper left corner, which is the only part of that meal I would eat.

    • avatar Emily Gould's Trusty Google Alert says:

      I loled VERY LOUD at this. Embarrassed…

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