foodsmug, recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 110

Kathy introduces her weekly collection of food-diarying with a very special announcement:

I’m switching my Lately posts from Saturdays to Mondays. Great way to kick off the week : ) And instead of a formal post on Saturdays I think I’ll just try to pop in with a live photo or two. I’m guessing most of you are out playing anyways.

So you’re saying your bears ate your homework. Okay, Kathy.

For breakfasts this last week, Kathy enjoyed a dizzying variety of bread she claimed was French toast, or, well,

Fa-rench toast! Made with High Five bread (love the millet seeds inside!), egg, cinnamon, vanilla, raspberries, peach and 365 Almond Butter.

oats and granola and coffee with, aw, too many ice cubes!

Did you notice iced coffee is back!?

No.

I think it was too soon. Brrrrrr!

So take the ice cubes out and nuke it for 20 seconds.

I made it cold-brew style – half a cup of grounds in a whole french press of water, on the counter overnight and then pressed and stored in the fridge for a few days. I’ll do a post on this when I master my blend for the summer soon.

Days?! That sounds disgusting. Tell us why you really did it:

I did love not having to wash out the coffeepot in the AM!

She also had more granola,

there was more yogurt in this than I realized because I was full alllllll morning!

flour her husband made into pancakes, bread with “AB” (she seriously fucking is still calling it that) with egg, bread with banana-compass and egg

Pointing the way to No-Flavor Country

and more flour with egg. For lunches, she ate a salad drizzled in honey with a scorched non-meat burger patty dropped unceremoniously on top of it —

Dr. Krackers on the side. Remember these?

NO. Stop quizzing us when you can’t even post your this-is-what-I-ate-and-took-photos-of-and-no-notes nonsense in a timely manner.

I haven’t bought them in ages and got some for quick snacks when I have friends over. Tasty and packed with unexpected fiber** + protein.

The rest of her lunches were crackers, dairy-annulled sardines she calls salad, avocado and “local cheese” on toast with chopped radishes* (which could be the spiciest thing she’s ever ingested), a salad with a description so sad it almost sounds like the product of one of those sabbatical novels written by women whose only source of conflict is faculty teas —

Lunch on a rainy day. Salad with avocado, blue cheese, and a Spinach Feta roll. Dressing was olive oil and honey and salt again.

— and another salad with half a meatless burger and an egg on top to split with the husband who should have just stayed at work and had some kind of full serving of protein instead of his wife’s joyless diet sob-bowls.

And for dinners, Kathy — okay, brace yourself — combined “leftover chicken bits and beans” from that awful recipe where she said you could totally put defrosting chicken in a dish on top of drained canned beans and add no onions and then cook it when you came home, with quinoa, broccoli, peas, goat cheese and almonds.

She claimed to

Loved it as a whole new meal!

Which is nonsense, because the only way that would make anyone happy is if that second combination of dire, taste-free horrors cleared out EVERYTHING in the pantry and, by destroying the home’s non-perishable food supply, one suddenly had permission to get a three-wing dinner, a bucket of sweet tea and some Bo-tato Rounds at a Bojangles.

Which, come to think of it, would make an awesome entry.

Another night, she had a nice skin-showcasing strip of tundra-dried salmon jerky “for the nutrients and because I love it” she called “seared,” greens and some more suspicious radish, and potatoes she put Greek yogurt and mustard on,

All I can think of when I look at this is the phrase “skin tag.” I’m sorry.

because shaking gomasio of dexedrine and chia seeds would have been too obvious of a diet trick. Finally, there was another Mexican-American international incident, with leftover chicken “reheated” with cheese, avocado, more bloody Greek yogurt, I’m sure the most homeopathic salsa that exists and chips

over a cabbage slaw

wait, WHAT THE EVER-LIVING SUNBUTTERING FUCK?

dressed in Garlic Gold, brown sugar, apple cider vinegar, salt and pepper

I would demand my 49 cents back from whatever Taco Bell spinoff Whole Foods is asking you to write this for. Just so you know, for when they totally come to you with that “blog friend” and the sponsorship gig.

*She promises a post on the radishes later. Because it’s going to take some work to describe how American Radish Conglomerate approached her with this great idea to come see their down-home, mom-friendly, Greek-yogurt-servin’ corporate headquarters.

**WATCH OUT!


290 Noms on KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 110



  1. avatar IndependentFranchise says:

    This morning my 16-month-old devoured a bowl of oatmeal topped with fresh fruit chunks (banana, kiwifruit) and a dollop of yoghurt with as much enthusiasm as Kerf gorging herself at a trough of frosting and sprinkles. As I watched him I thought, “Alas! That this otherwise adorable moment has been sullied by the thought of Kath Younger, homph gomphing extraordinaire, the formal denim shoe of the food blogging world.” But then the kid got into my pantry and ate half a raw onion, so I figure he’s probably good.

    • avatar yana says:

      I was given some GH pancake Mix, so I made it up for the kids last weekend. And it was actually pretty good, so I put some PB on a cake and ate it myself for breakfast. And then I remembered KERF and felt terrible. She has ruined PB for me, I swear.

      • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

        Actually, in a weird way I should thank Kerf for ruining Trader Joe’s Sunbutter for me. I can’t eat peanuts and the texture of almond butter is a poor substitute, so I was kind of grooving on the Sunbutter for a while. Then I thought of all the things Kerf glops that on, and the joy was gone. So I am no longer buying it or eating it which is probably good for me in the long run.

  2. avatar katzenfrau says:

    Unexpected Fiber would be a good username.

    …and otherwise, there is so much GIRL NO in this post that I don’t even know where to start. That corn chip-cabbage-yogurt thing. The undead chicken monstrosity. I really might start to cry.

  3. avatar sarawr says:

    I cannot stand her stupid passive sentence constructions. “Dressing was…,” “the cabbage was…,” blah. Your food does not exist independently of your own hideous choices, Kath, so stop using semantics to deny responsibility.

    As a sidebar, I feel a burning need to note that grown-ass adults do not spend their weekends “out playing,” so I am forced to assume that Kath thinks her audience is in the 12-and-under age range. This explains everything.

    • avatar Expat A.Broad says:

      This whole comment is awesome, but I especially love this sentence: ““Dressing was…,” “the cabbage was…,” blah. Your food does not exist independently of your own hideous choices, Kath, so stop using semantics to deny responsibility.”

    • avatar Paleo Caveman Hunter says:

      BUNNY WAS FAST
      THEN NOT SO FAST
      WAS DELICIOUS

  4. avatar Buttercream with a side of cake says:

    I couldn’t help myself, I looked at her post and there are FORTY-FIVE comments from readers who think her food looks delicious and just love reading about her healthy choices and can’t wait to try the chicken and bean bake and ARE OBVIOUSLY BLIND AND DEVOID OF TASTE BUDS. I feel like taking them all by the hand and gently but firmly leading them over to Smitten Kitchen or Dash and Bella and asking them to stop scrubbing their tongues with a toilet brush because honestly, good food does exist and it doesn’t have to involve AB, undercooked eggs, “French toast” or “potato salad” or any of the other “dishes” that Kath puts in “quotes.”

    • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

      And I have just added those two food blogs to my reader, Buttercream. That’s how much I blindly trust you Hams!

    • avatar pineapple head says:

      I once did a count on how many of her comments were from people just linking to their own blog and it was pretty much all of them and all of the comments were one line “looks amazing!” so I’m pretty sure out of those people a small sprinkling of them actually think her food sounds tasty and those seem to be all women who are of the soup, tuna, noodle, chips casserole set.(which no knocking that casserole..although I’ve never tried it. Using it as an example.)

      • avatar Leg Hair says:

        Yeah, whenever I look, I see lots of links and then the other ones that aren’t linked just seem fake to me. Like her or Buzz are writing them in. Not that they are or I have any evidence of that, that is just the way they look to me.

    • avatar perilsofpauline says:

      Seriously? Someone wants Kath to do a guest post on their blog?

      Ilane @cultiv8health June 24, 2013 at 2:52 pm
      Your photos are amazing, as always. Congrats!
      Where did you buy those adorable plates? They make a difference.
      I want that Chicken + Bean Bake n-o-w. It looks delicious.

      BTW, did you ever receive an e-mail about a guest post? I would love it if you could write one on my blog
      Big thanks and have an a-mazen week.

      • avatar Polka Dot Avocado says:

        wtf. the plates do not make a difference. All Kerf’s food looks disgusting, no matter how boho chic her pier 1 plates.

    • avatar youngerandyounger says:

      I’d like to hope her “fans” are seeking clicks to their own sites to make money. Which may not be much, but it’s better than thinking these people enjoy her raw chicken casseroles.

  5. avatar Ms. Urban-Profesh says:

    I can’t believe she would serve her husband such a measly lunch. One egg and half a meatless burger over greens? So, that’s like 200 calories?

    • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

      Yeah, so basically he gets a calorie deficit by walking home to join her for lunch.

    • avatar Press-On Chevron says:

      My guess is that he brought home cookies from the fakery, so she wanted to eat a smaller lunch in order to homph gomph more sugar. That, or they seriously had no other food. I mean, we’ve all seen their miserly fridge.

      • avatar Kath Eats Free Meat says:

        I am hoping they split the salad and not the egg.
        Because the only excuse for feeding a grown man less than one entire egg is that there is an army of zombies between you and the last hen on earth.
        The Joads ate better in The Grapes of Wrath.

        • avatar BaconatedGrapefruit says:

          Oh lord, now I’m imagining Kerf nursing Matt like in the last scene of “The Grapes of Wrath”.

          “There, there. I know you’re dying of starvation, but here you go: the hot, good milks”

          I hate my brain sometimes.

          • avatar Pricklypete says:

            Omg. Dead.
            I love that you hams make me feel better when I’m sick. I have that deep cough that makes my voice squeaky and when I laugh I sound like a brain damaged pterodactyl.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Gah, I had that thought but did not verbalize it. Now i need brain bleach.

            However, KEFM wins the internet today with this line: “Because the only excuse for feeding a grown man less than one entire egg is that there is an army of zombies between you and the last hen on earth.”

          • avatar drunkkitty says:

            Barfing forever, BRB.

          • avatar Head Smuggalo of the Inane Clown Posse (WildTurducken) says:

            NOOOOOOOOo

        • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

          This is so great. The Joads would have politely declined raw buckwheat and gone back to letting their stomach lining devour itself. Also, what in the holy hell do they keep doing to those No Bull burgers? I got cancer just looking at the charcoaly scorch on this one. If you look at pics of them on the net, they don’t look anything like that. What is wrong with her that she looks at a picture of that meal, puts it on her blog and is like “lookin’ good, pan-seared No Bull burger!”

    • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

      My husband is a reasonable man. He gets his own lunch when he’s working from home or comes home for lunch, but will happily eat whatever dinner the kids or I have made because we always eat dinner together. He’s an easygoing guy and will eat nearly anything I put in front of him as long as it’s cooked safely and is edible.

      That said, if I ever placed in front of him a sad salad with an egg and HALF a hockey-puckified veggie burger there would probably be a riot. It would be ugly. He’s a grown man and needs more food than that.

      • avatar Leg Hair says:

        My husband would just very nicely throw in the trash when I wasn’t looking and then make a secret trip out to Five Guys.

      • avatar pauliewalnutts says:

        I love those mellow, reasonable husbands. I have one too. He is so good and patient with the occasionally scrounged-up dinner, but he is a Midwestern farmer’s son and his line in the sand is “salad for dinner,” with no potatoes, bread, or pasta. My dad was one of the decent ones too, but I remember him putting his foot down on Sloppy Joes.

        • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

          Oh, seriously! If I ever tried to make one of those “main dish salads” that all the women’s magazines tout in their summer editions, there would be a revolt. Even a dish with rice as the ballast is tolerated, but I have to make sure the rice is sticky and there is lots of sauce.

          • avatar Sick of Kerf says:

            This reminds me when my husband and I were dating I spent a good hour making us “main dish” chef’s salads – you know, ham, two kinds of diced cheese, hard-boiled eggs, a bunch of chopped vegetables. I even served garlic toast on the side. After we ate he said, “What else are we going to eat?”

      • avatar SalmonellaCasserella says:

        My husband is the same. Then again, he’d also probably be concerned that I’d experienced some serious head trauma if I prepared such a miserable plate of sad even for myself. Is there a reason poor Matth doesn’t get at least a FULL serving of petrified fake meat veggie burger? Dude looks pretty scrawny, so I’m sure he can afford the calories.

  6. avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

    Wow, fiber!

    … I wasn’t expecting that.

  7. avatar Matt Monson's measly mushroom cap says:

    She’s to lazy to rinse a coffee pot out. What a tacky, lazy hick.

    • avatar Unexpected Fiber says:

      Isn’t it much more of a pain to rinse out the french press with all its loose grounds?
      The mind is boggled.

      • avatar HipsterCupcake says:

        YES! It is way more of a pain in the ass (relatively speaking).

      • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

        YES. That’s partly why I stopped drinking coffee at home. Hate, hate, hate cleaning out the french press, and we didn’t own nor were inclined to buy a drip coffee pot.

    • avatar Italics Make Me More Intimidating says:

      Correct me if I’m wrong (the Hubs is the coffee drinker, not me), but don’t you just have to dump the old coffee out and give the pot a quick rinse with water? I don’t see him in there with dish soap and a scrubbie going to town on that thing every morning or anything. A quick dump and a rinse is all it takes.

      • avatar Leg Hair says:

        For a drip pot, yeah, you just have to rinse it and I throw it in the dishwasher every week or so. Not sure about the french press, that might be more complicated. Not sure why this girl is even using a french press because she doesn’t even like coffee.

      • avatar SalmonellaCasserella says:

        Yes. I use a french press daily and it takes all of thirty seconds to rinse the pot out with hot water. The grinds go down the garbage disposal, you dry the pot, and that’s it. If Kathy finds this process so taxing, she needs to see a doctor stat. I think her half salad/half egg/half fake meat patty lunches are really taking a toll.

        • avatar pumpkin + goat cheese got married says:

          Yes, quite. And all that cleaning-non-effort, and the grinding of the beans all happens while you’re waiting for the water to heat.

          I guess this is why we’re not seeing her use the crockpot. Cleaning that is even *harder*!

          • avatar Matt Monson has a tiny pink dick says:

            So are you saying I shouldn’t keep reading her blog in the hopes of helpful information about crockpots?

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Meghannn of Meals and Miles has discovered the wonders of crockpot liners. Maybe we should hook Kerfie up with some.

      • avatar french toast says:

        That’s pretty much what we do with the French press. The most irritating thing is not being able to dump the coffee grounds down the drain due to our septic system.

        • avatar snark the herald angels sing says:

          We hurl them out into the flower bed. Or, um, the yard. That’s what rain is for, right?

          • avatar World O' Gluten says:

            Worm compost bin! I swear my worms are so caffeinated, they could lift Matchbox cars.

          • avatar Toppin's Galore says:

            Now I have this hilarious mental image of nightcrawlers bench-pressing Matchbox cars. Ha!

  8. avatar Leg Hair says:

    The way this girl treats coffee hurts my heart.

  9. avatar kath's marauding fork (formerly sloaneclearv) says:

    “leftover chicken bits”? LEFTOVER CHICKEN BITS is, like, a selling point in this smunt’s vocabulary? if i suggested to my huscat that a dish included leftover chicken “bits”, i would be knocked over by the breeze left in his rushing to the phone to call for pizza wake. christ on a cracker this broad gets worse every time i read a recap.

  10. avatar One Ounce Wino says:

    I hate how she throws “local cheese” into her list of salad ingredients like she deserves a gold star or something. She goes on and on about her Homegoods, World Market, Target junk, but doesn’t even bother to mention the dairy that produced her OMG local cheese. And what does that even mean? Does local mean Cville? Virginia? Made in America? Because we all know Kath likes to stretch the definition of words to fit her purpose.

  11. avatar Press-On Chevron says:

    All of the breakfasts in that post included at least three tablespoons of nut butter. Like, I love cheese, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy or recommended to consume ridiculous amounts for breakfast everyday. Real food my ass. I can’t believe she made a point to discuss the scheduling of these awful “Lately” posts. As if anyone cared. They are lazy and boring. Her delusions of grandeur know no bounds!

    • avatar HB says:

      I commented on the copious amount of almond butter and she let it through. Probably because I said I liked her plates.

      • avatar perilsofpauline says:

        Tee hee! I noticed that. She must skim comments for compliments which automatically override any snarkiness in Kerfland.

    • avatar french toast says:

      600 calories of nut butter for breakfast, 200 calories of salad for lunch! That’s how Kerfy rolls.

    • avatar snarkincluded says:

      all of this, and then she posts just about a grand opening of a bakery simply about how she stuffed her face with cupcakes.

  12. avatar Gretchen28 says:

    ‘Skin tag’ just killed me.

  13. avatar Fed Up says:

    That salmon was not seared. She has got to stop using said culinary term to describe all the things. She must think it makes her sound cool. And that leftover dish receation, ick. She seriously threw shit in the pot. I couldn’t follow the jumble of weird ingredients.

    • avatar watchmefall says:

      What is up with the top of the salmon? It looks shredded or something. I seriously love salmon so it hurts my heart to see Kath destroy it, especially when I have to pay for mine.

    • avatar Smugnom Squarepants says:

      I copied and pasted a definition of seared into her comments. Clearly she has no idea what it means. At.all. Seared means burned or charred and that salmon looked raw as hell. (Comment didn’t make it through moderation.).



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