foodsmug lifesmug recaps shillsmug

KERF Recaps, Day 775: Kathy Celebrates 9/11, Plays Dress-Up, Misses a Tomato Party for Four Kinds of Wedding Cupcakes, Teaches Us How To Eat Leftovers, Needs Help Recovering From Too Many Vacations, and Bakes One Cookie Only

Sorry for condensing seven damn posts into one recap, hams. Your kind thoughts are much appreciated during this bullshit month, and fuck if I’m not thankful for Kathy’s ceaseless train of free-association food diary nonsense to keep a lot of us distracted from actual, pressing, real, heavy things that exist in the real world.

Thursday’s post (the one from Sept. 11) is another endless slog through what Kathy ate at one time or another, with a zesty sprinkling of complaints and an odd pinch of misplaced patriotism. She has the usual damned regimen of “Yummmm overnight oats,”

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.28.08 AM

more oats, eggs, more eggs, toast, pancakes, “blob”s of nut butter, berries, peaches, watermelon, soup and salad from Panera, a quesadilla and salad and “parsnip fries,”

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.31.11 AM

leftovers on salad, more salad, fish, squash “(a weird kind from the market)”, more leftovers, more fruit that she has to specify was “on the side,” quinoa

(With parm and butter is the only way I’ve discovered I love quinoa!)

those muffin-tin meatballs served in the middle of some sort of bombed-out slaw countryside,

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.34.33 AM

meal-planning service chicken and cheese and tapenade, meal-planning service “Tuna Orzo,” and salad from Whole Foods with this disgusting combination of things on it:

Kale salad, tofu, cod, noodles, sweet potatoes and melon.

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.32.50 AM

She also had her typical dribbles of bizarrely described food, including

….a raspberry blast bowl! Raspberry Siggi’s yogurt with fresh rasp,

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 1.59.20 AM

Yum.

chia seeds and Great Harvest Raspberry Swirl bread “croutons.” Texture heaven!

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.29.33 AMand leftover orzo she called

An all-in-one bowl delight. A plum on the side that the toddler stole most of!

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.31.47 AM

Kathy ends by doing this

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.36.27 AM

No you don’t, Kathy.

and by saying she’s

Proud to be an American on this day

I suppose it’s a reference to the attacks of Sept. 11, but — why? Why would the anniversary of terrorist attacks make someone more proud to be born in the country that was attacked? Not that I’m saying there’s not a case to be made if someone wanted to draw out that line of thinking — if someone wanted to say that they saw shit happen and people deal with it, or learned of people like Morgan Stanley security head Rick Rescorla, or combat pilot Lt. Heather Penney, and the attacks led them to a place where they better understood resilience, or selflessness, or sacrifice. But, no. None of those things will result in Kathy obtaining free trips to corporate headquarters or ugly blue jewelry or plastic bags of salt, so why the fuck bother?

The next day’s post is about stuff she’s kept from that subscription service that sends her the same grab-bag of clothing they send the other random grab-bag of subscribers, Stitch Fix.

• The “Brentwood Tiered” tank top that looks like it was messily basted together from sheets of lasagna, or those sour belts they sell at the overpriced mall candy shop. Kathy seems to think this lumpy travesty is

comfortable and casual with a little bit of style to jazz [it] up …. It’s super comfy, great for hot days and goes with everything.

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.47.09 AM

• From the same photo, a necklace with two little gold circles that’s called the “Bridgette Hammered Circle Necklace,” which really just makes me think of the hours I wasted ten years ago watching “The Surreal Life.”

• This thing, an innovation in fashion, which has sleeves “that can roll up or down for spring, summer, or fall.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.50.33 AM

Knee-pop.

• Another shirt good for getting

a wee bit dressed up. I’ve worn it a few times to business meetings this summer with a skirt.

Make sure to always knee-pop at "business meetings."

Make sure to always knee-pop at “business meetings.”

• That striped dress, which Kathy loves because it doesn’t let her boobs flop out. Apparently, this is a problem:

I am normally way too short for maxi dresses, and they often have low-cut necklines and spaghetti straps, making them not very practical for chasing around a toddler.

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.54.33 AM

Would it kill you to clear off that bench or crop it the hell out when playing dress-up with the camera, Kathy?

• A “fab” bag worth every penny of the two dollars she should have paid for it at Goodwill:

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.57.28 AM

• A nice black dress that she weirdly describes as being

great for a bra-wearing woman like me

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.58.38 AM
• A white shirt that looks just wonderful with all those unironed wrinkles in it.

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 12.59.42 AM

• That schmatta she wore all over “wine country” when she should have left it in the sauna:

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 1.00.52 AM• This “UVA colors” shirt, which I can’t even pay attention to because, seriously, those turquoise bandage Target sandals — and pick that pink crap up off the floor behind you, Kathy:

Screen Shot 2014-09-22 at 1.02.35 AMShe ends with selfies wearing three shirts she didn’t keep because they were too small, too big, and too — I don’t know. I guess the last one clashed with her almond butter or something. The point is, it’s four miles to the nearest Marshalls, six miles to T.J. Maxx, and half an hour to the Ross Dress For Less; Kathy needs her readers to click on her referral links so she can stay well stocked on the latest trends in mass-produced clearance bin failure fashion.

Monday’s post is the typical weekend recap where Kathy talks about what a crazy whirlwind those two days were, what with her and Bath Matt’s regular meals, chances to exercise, clean, attend a thing or two with beer or wine, and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

They start with that Friday evening thing where they sit on the grass and eat pizza:

Per usual, Mazen finished his pizza and proceeded to run around for 30 minutes straight before we headed back for a bubble bath and early bed time for us all.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.02.31 PM

Nope, doesn’t look like this at all:

Bath Matt had to work the 3:30 a.m. shift on Saturday, so Kathy woke up at 6:30 a.m. ON A SATURDAY LIKE A FREAKING CRAZY PERSON (sorry) to leave Toddler Carbz at BFF Sarah’s house so she could play soccer for an hour and a half without him crying for his mother, and then returned so that she and her husband could go to the wedding of one of their former employees, this guy, Alex, who always seemed like a real good sport:

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.00.04 PM

 

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.50.19 PM

Especially given that he had to work around this kind of fedorkitude:

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.50.11 PM

And bosses who publicized their manicures and “hand massages”

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.53.06 PM

Kathy writes:

Alex was one of the first employees that we hired at the bakery, and he has since gone on to do amazing culinary things! He’ll always remain dear to us for being part of our very first crew.

For some reason, Kathy includes this photo to introduce the wedding. Perhaps a few members of the bride’s family are gnomes.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.03.07 PM

Kathy bravely manages to make it through the festivities despite actual drops of rain:

Unfortunately the weather is less than ideal – drizzling rain was coming down on their wedding day.

But may they have the best of luck!

The setting was beautiful regardless, and the bride looking radiant.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.26.38 PM

Especially since she had so much to look forward to: appetizers, giant servings of wine,

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.26.51 PM

a “taco bar with all the fixins,”  champagne toasts to the couple’s late parents, champagne-looking bottles of bubbles,

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.27.00 PM

and, especially, cake and four kinds of cupcakes:

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.29.24 PM

This prompted the most tension of the weekend:

We picked Banana Pudding and Lemon – a very hard decision!

But who am I kidding – when there were tons leftover after all the guests had had a taste, we tried the other two flavors as well! They were all fabulous!!

The kidless duo returned home for “a low key evening,” whatever that means, and for whatever reason it needed mentioning. The next morning, Bath Matt’s mom invited the couple to a brunch of egg and sausage casserole and fruit and toast and sitting on a porch with her and her friends

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 11.37.40 PM

and making weird comments about her kid and her guts:

Some of us ran off our breakfasts. Others simply digested.

After her free, dishwashing-less meal, Kathy bought groceries

and then got together with some of my girlfriends for an afternoon of wine and chocolate – for a special upcoming blog post!

What's going on here? Chocolates Against Humanity?

What’s going on here? It’s either the Totally Blasted Supper or Chocolates Against Humanity?

In other words,

Tuesday’s post is about how Kathy “had the honor” of going to a preview of this thing:

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 9.22.11 PM

It was nice that she got the invitation to the early event, too, since people keep getting married and, in the case of her child, being born, ugh:

For the third year in a row I’ve had a major conflict meaning I couldn’t attend the actual festival (giving birth, Mazen’s first birthday and this year, a wedding)

Kathy’s fun day involved hanging out

with the press and many of the speakers to get a taste for the weekend ahead – literally! I rode the shuttle up with Aaron Keefer, the Culinary Gardener of The French Laundry. We had lots to talk about since I had just come from Napa!

Why is that, Kathy? Want to explain to your readers what a “culinary gardener” is, or what The French Laundry is or, I don’t know, explaining anything other than expressing an interest in whatever faux fancy pop food term you’ve gleaned from HGTV this week, because it’s SO TOTALLY chia seeds and kale you want more than anything.

Nah. Kathy rambles on with a few paragraphs explaining how Thomas Jefferson is celebrated by the festival as a “revolutionary gardener” and  “America’s first foodie” and how she got to “taste” a bunch of pretty tomatoes. Kathy Maiden-Name-Keeper and known owner of an actual feminism-indicating “Votes For Women” mug has no comment on any other aspect of presidential anything.

That’s because Kathy was there for the table of cheese straws and candied pecans and chocolate and chardonnay, and the

local fruits, including the new-to-me pawpaw …. [which] tasted like a blend of coconut, mango and mashed banana. Why aren’t these the most popular fruit in the world!?

I don’t know, Kathy, but I’m sure it’s completely possible to have everything in season and available to everyone year-round. It’s not like we live in a world where some fruits are fragile, and some berries don’t travel well, and some greens are only in season for a few weeks, or where an adult working full-time for $7.25 an hour can’t afford heirloom green zebra stripe tomatoes, or where not every damned edible thing in the world can be made immediately accessible to every person everywhere who can choose whether she wants to take her brand-new SUV to the store to purchase it or walk in order to get her daily 10,000 steps in, and maybe the reasons for that are a lot more complicated than a general lack of food bloggers talking about how great said foods are.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 10.37.32 PM

Anyway, Klueless Kathy also dug the “out-of-this-world delicious” food from A Pimento Catering, even though she couldn’t be bothered to discern or ask anyone what they were:

My favorite was one that had to be beet based but was sweet like apple and a little vinegary as well. I’m guessing the base was pickled beets!

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 10.38.59 PM

Kathy briefly notes that she got to hang out with OMG

Holly Shimizu, former executive director of the United States Botanical Garden!

And she ends the post by saying that she hopes, barring any wretched healthy babies’ births and happy marriages, that she should be able to go and be able to participate in some schmoozing at the actual festival next year.  Look for that holiday invite from Shimizu real soon, Kathy. What with your frozen pesto and 2-year-old tomato sauce and “unmanageable” herbs, I’m sure you guys have a billion things to talk about.

Wednesday’s post is a sponsored post, because, somehow, Kathy is still getting paid by Cooksmarts/Cook Smarts (depending on how she wants to spell it, because precise naming conventions so don’t mean anything to Kath-Don’t-Call-Me-Kathy-Or-Katherine-or-Monson):

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about Cook Smarts, but I’m still loving the service!

The post is actually about something our flatly fissiparous Kathy has completely covered before, which is how she uses CookSmarts dinner leftovers for lunches in the next days by putting them on top of a few handfuls of salad. Kathy says that after using it through all of 2014, she uses it, well,

at least 2 of the 4 weeks of the month.

Why is that, Kathy? Isn’t this supposed to be something that gives you a planned meal for the week and then relieves you from having to think up what you need to buy and what you need to cook? Apparently,  as seems to be the case with all the blessings in her life, Kathy’s vacations seem to have fucked up all her success with the program:

Travel and summer unpredictability have meant a few more meals thrown together at the last minute then [sic] I’d like.

Can anyone remember a meal Kathy’s been excited to make that didn’t include ingredients she was sent for free by a sponsor?

Well, okay. What she says she likes about it is the ability to throw whatever is leftover from the night before onto a bowl of lettuce for

some kind of delicious lunch. My default lunch is a salad with something on top, and it makes my day when I have something a little more gourmet to eat.

So, she had a recipe for “Balsamic Chicken Kebabs” with orzo on the side.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 8.59.27 PM

She makes sure to tell her readers she used “high quality” vinegar and swapped out

peppers instead of onions…cause it’s me!

and so, the next day, she put the leftovers into a pita with arugula and yogurt for a “perfect” lunch, and, another night,

I needed a quick dinner on a rather chilly summer night and opened a box of creamy tomato soup. I filled it up with leftover orzo and chicken and topped it off with some goat feta.

The second example she uses is a sandwich made from tofu she put in barbecue sauce and had Bath Matt grill and put on fakery rolls and ate with corn.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 9.02.54 PM

The next day, she served her “girlfriends” leftover tofu and corn on top of salad, and it was “awesome.”

They were joined with other leftovers like grilled eggplant, avocado, candied pecans and a homemade dressing …. This may have been the best salad I’ve eaten all summer.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 9.03.28 PM

The last example is another grim, tinily portioned chicken breast dish in “rotation,” where she has to make an olive tapenade beforehand,

so dinner comes together in a flash, and the melted cheese on top of the chicken brings a whole new level of savory.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 9.04.02 PM

Ugh. So, I suppose the next day or whenever she got around to it, she put the leftover chicken and more cheese into

a local corn tortilla. A few minutes under the broiler, and I had one gourmet quesadilla!

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 9.06.28 PM

Come on, Kathy. You don’t give a shit about “local” or “gourmet.” Just make some by-the-book salad so you feel like you’re being healthy, and melt cheese on it, and follow it up with a slice of cake with buttercream frosting. That’s all you really want out of a meal, isn’t it?

Well, that and not having to explain how anyone else could make it or adapt it, so much that your actual sponsor has to come in to clarify things and provide an attempt at human interaction:

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 9.09.12 PM

Kathy concludes by talking about how she’s saved “time and money” by having leftovers, especially since there’s this dastardly, small being in her house who, for some reason, needs to be fed on some kind of regular schedule:

I can’t say how nice it’s been to have quicker lunches with a little one who always needs to be served first.

I’m wondering why Kathy is surprised by the fact that she needs dinner on, well, any given night.

Do you even Google, bro?

Do you even Google, bro?

Also, not that I’m saying it’s her responsibility to take care of creating meals for her family every night, but if you’re a food blogger, and you refer to the food blog as your career and your brand, and you do nothing but go to the gym, ensure your toddler’s survival, and take care of said blog on any given day, and you have a meal-planning service that literally says to buy this list of things and make this list of recipes with it, it’s hard to understand why Kathy is scrambling about like she’s some kind of overplanned 24-year-old career girl with blisters on her feet from too many hours in Jimmy Choos trying to whip up bachelor-girl microwave dinners from Lean Cuisine.

Thursday’s post is a recap about how Kathy’s been trying to eat “pretty healthy” stuff because she’s stressed out about everything else she’s eaten this summer, not that she’s describing this stress in any concrete or relatable terms, like that she’s gained a certain amount, or that her fake band jacket is so tight it’s cutting off the circulation in her homph-gomphin’ hand, or that she’s finding herself sobbing in the corner of the basement, surrounded by empty homebrew bottles with her gums bleeding from the force of jamming frozen cake hunks into her mouth. As usual, even her complaints have to include the requisite ingredients of brag-blaming her child for having a 2nd birthday cake, her friends for letting her have an ice cream sandwich on the beach, and her sister for letting her drink all the wine in Sonoma:

At least, that's what I'm getting from the picture.

At least, that’s what I’m getting from the picture.

Will a “system reset” get the snowball talk and the squiggly line-tipping and the vague statements about faking something out of her system? We can only hope. In the meantime, here are the things she’s eaten in whatever week-long period she’s discussing this time, aside from the usual repetitive fever dream of smoothies, nut butter on fakery toast, granola not disguised by yogurt and fruit, eggs and toast, no-meat lentil pucks shared with her toddler/on top of salads/on a fakery roll with only ketchup and a pickle,

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 6.07.10 PM

leftover baked diet fish “piled into a bowl” of salad because it was “quick n easy,” and that “soooo good!” locally made pasta because she’s still trying to get through two ice cube trays of frozen pesto she and Bath Matt made with last summer’s basil 14 months ago. So, I guess, look for whatever basil they grew this year to be served at High School Carbz’s graduation party.

The other stuff she ate included

cuc

about 26 grams of blame-bacon:

Matt stayed home for breakfast one day last week which meant a little bacon ended up on my plate! 

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 6.10.50 PM

some psychedelic toast:

Along with swirl bread, eggs and peach.

something every lazy high schooler too impatient to boil water for Top Ramen “discovered” years ago:

I’ve been buying these locally made corn tortillas at the market. I have discovered they make an amazing instant quesadilla in our toaster oven – just one slice of cheese in the middle, “baked” for 4 minutes and then folded in half.

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 6.06.36 PM

a bacon, tautologically described cheese, and uncapitalized “asian pear slaw” sandwich from a restaurant near BFF Sarah’s new house:

Boy was it good!! The gorgonzola flavor melted throughout the whole sandwich.

some not-fried okra, and gross and frozen shrimp “burgers”

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 6.08.19 PM

that she dragged out of cold storage to serve her parents:

the shrimp burgers were some I made a while ago and froze that weren’t worthy of a recipe – tasty but kind of fall-aparty.


and three other dinners where heaping portions of Kathy Not Giving a Shit About Food was the main course:

a green shrimp curry we threw together one night when we had friends over. I made a quick curry sauce with a can of coconut milk, a few heaping tbsp of green curry paste, peas and spinach and shrimp that I had sautéed first. We served it over a bed of rice cooker brown rice. It came together in minutes and was pretty tasty!

NOT CURRY.

NOT CURRY.

and a dinner they made when mother-in-law Karen was over of chicken breasts, potatoes, beans, rice-cooker grits, and whatever this means:

A little beer for max flavor!

and finally, a “low-key” dinner her husband timed to have ready right when she walked in the door from work, er, her Friday evening

at the gym doing a workout class and eating chips and guac on the roof. Matt stayed back and prepped beans and fish so we could cook as soon as I got home.

At the end of the post, she comment-baits by asking for tricks “to get yourself back on track after a few too many vacations” and actually allows two comments to get through from people who are like, Uh, too many vacations? I don’t think I’ve ever had that problem.

Finally, Friday’s post, “Cookbooks Du Jour,” is a review of three cookbooks that are “all really awesome!”

Kathy starts by mentioning that she’s so cool, people actually ask her to review cookbooks so they can get that sweet KERF bump that’s propelled all sorts of nothing to the top of no markets ever. The three she reviews Friday aren’t necessarily ones in which that was the case, she’s just mentioning that because, damn, people want her sweet review skills.

Of course they do, right? The first book she reviews is “my friend Tina’s” and has more than 140 recipes, “including all kinds of smoothie categories.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 4.16.03 PM

Linking to Tina’s blog without name-checking it (it’s that Carrots and Cake one), Kathy says she used the book to make a total of two recipes. One, containing milk, orange juice, fruit, and spinach, was a

winner that I otherwise might not have thought to combine.

I think she forgot to include a few words, like, “using ingredients,” in that description, but, for fuck’s sake, she’s talking about combining orange juice and milk, and not in a Morir Soñando kind of way, so I can understand why she might not want to linger on it.

At least a Cement Mixer has freaking booze in it.

The other smoothie she made was because she needed to use up a free sample of vanilla protein powder and a pint of raspberries that were about to go bad, because eating something instead of throwing it away is a great way to demonstrate respect to her friend’s work. Oh, but they were local, so, I guess she gets points for that, or something. Kathy says she “loved the in-your-face raspberry flavor.”

Kathy sums it up by reminding her readers of the drudgery of eating, and the ceaseless movement of the universe, bearing down upon all of us day after endless day with its horrible demands that we confront our bodies’ cruel hunger that we wish would just vanish like a green goo through a straw:

Now most of you probably know how to make a smoothie. You probably have 2-3 smoothies that you rotate through the week. I have no idea how Tina thought up so many different recipe combos, but you won’t get tired of smoothies if you rotate through these!

Or, you could have a bag of these and call 250 calories 250 calories.

Next, Kathy rotated onwards to an $8 PDF of something by another blogger, Kylie, who is working on earning registered dietician status and maintains a blog called “Immaeatthat.” Kylie’s cookbook is called “The Single-Serving Cookie Cookbook.”

The concept of her book is GENIUS!! Who doesn’t want just a little dessert at night? And who has trouble resisting a giant cookie jar if you make too many?

 

Brilliant I tell you!

The thought of Kathy having a husband, a child, a mother-in-law who’s just had cancer this summer, and a gym parking lot’s worth of friends in the same town, going to Whole Foods to specially purchase butter extract and choosing to make a recipe that will result in one, count it, ONE cake batter cookie for just herself, might be the most depressing thing ever. Not that she should be shoving sugar in her kid’s face or anything, but she can’t make a batch of cookies and keep all but one of them around until the next morning — when she could take them to Karen, or BFF Sarah’s house, or anywhere — without being haunted by their presence?

The last cookbook Kathy discusses is “from another real foodie,” Lisa, who writes the blog “100 Days of Real Food,” which sounds like it would have a pretty short run, except that I guess she turned it into a 2.5-year project writing a book with a name that takes 100 days to read: “100 Days Of Real Food: How We Did It, What We Learned, and 100 Easy, Wholesome Recipes Your Family Will Love.”

Again calling the recipes “wholesome” —

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 4.36.02 PM

— which she did for the cookie book but not for the smoothie book (sorry, Tina) — Kathy raves that Lisa’s book

is just what you’d expect and more.

By which she means that girlfriend ate “real food” for that many days and then wrote down some tips and some recipes, resulting in “truly a handbook for eating real food with tips …. and great recipes.” Hey, Kathy, I’ve got 8,000 words more due on my midterm essay — do you think you could help me pad the word count?

Kathy was “all over the concept” of making a squeamish not-quite-Allrecipes.com version of slow-cooker beans “with chips for dipping!”

Screen Shot 2014-09-21 at 4.44.03 PM

and “loved” the result, even though it included freaking celery instead of onions.

811819c0-86df-0131-1fc7-16d3482f4d82

She utterly lies and says they were “just as delicious” as anything you’d find at “your local Mexican joint.” Kathy, you owe Mexico an apology. Since that’s not going to happen, I’m going to do my part by stuffing tacos in my face until I can’t breathe — as soon as I can find what website this lady’s on:

I just can’t figure out why, after seven years, Kathy doesn’t have her own cookbook yet.

291