foodsmug lifesmug recaps

KERF Recaps: Kathy Owns Bowls, Eats Restaurant Leftovers, Uses Meal-Planning, and Invents Mustard

It’s time for another installment of Conchshell Had Too Much Regular Work Shit To Do And Couldn’t Do Smugnom For Forever On A Regular Basis Because Then Her Cats Would Be Eating Her Fingertips Batman Returns-Style.

Which is to say, for everyone on a mobile device, I’m sorry for the gifs.

So, Kathy’s Jan. 23 post is called “I Love Things In Bowls,” and it’s about how Kathy’s discovered a new way to get her 10.26 hours of sleep a night — buttah-filled, chocolatey, buttercreamery marijuana edibles.

Just kidding. If that were the case, it wouldn’t be taking me two weeks to drag myself around to recapping the latest entries on Kathy Consumes Things That Aren’t Imaginary. Instead, the entry is actually about how she ate granola one morning, and then she ate soup for lunch. Get this — both of them? She ate them out of bowls.

We learn a lot of amazing information from this post.

1. Kathy gave away some of her possessions because she is constantly evolving into a better person:

Did you know I actually gave away a lot of my bowl collection?

No. Why would we know that?

At one point I probably had 100 different bowls in every color and size, and now I am down to just my very favorites – including all of our wedding Pottery Barn Great White bowls.

Or rather, the Great White bowls from Pottery Barn she received as wedding gifts. Which, yes, the average intelligent reader could deduce — if that were the way intelligent writing worked. But this isn’t James fucking Joyce, and Kathy doesn’t have nearly enough thoughts to coffin her in mummycases, embalmed in smoked paprika and unmanageable herbs.

Kathy’s talking about owning pieces of white, made-in-China-in-2006 crockery, and how concentrating on those makes her a better person as she grows ancient and wise:

The older I get the more I feel the need to simplify the things my life!

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 10.11.16 PM

Nah. You want things to be easy. That’s not the same.

2. Kathy has superhuman willpower, and can only allow herself “crumbs” of her favorite things, as she does for her breakfast:

Cville Cluster is the best granola ever, but it’s so good that I can’t keep it around. Every now and then Matt brings me the crumbs and small clusters from the bottom of the giant mixing bowl when they make a fresh batch at the bakery, so today’s topping was a nice treat! …. FYI, no nut butter today because the ‘Cluster is quite high in fat! It’s about as dense as peanut butter.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.08.23 PM

3. Her toddler is still irritating the shit out of her to the point that she needs to call him out on a regular basis:

This was the first time Mazen got the concept of “cereal with milk” and he was quite a happy camper!

In her defense, that boy who got Most Likely To Succeed at Kathy’s school who works in the White House now probably “got the concept of ‘cereal with milk’” when he was five months younger than Carbz.

4. Kathy is super skilled at using her power with words to describe what makes food appealing. Her lunch of soup, for instance, was topped with

cheese because it’s freakin’ delicious.  

and leftover sweet potatoes because they were

a nice touch!

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.08.32 PM

5. Almost as skilled as she is at describing joyful interactions among the members of her family, saying that, since her parents are headed to town for the weekend, Carbz is

flipping out with excitement and has been counting down the days….as only a two year old would know how to do ; )

What does that mean? Are there other ways to flip out? How would a toddler possibly count down days? Why the winky face? Either take 10 extra seconds to explain yourself or just go with saying the kid smiles every time you mention their visit. On a scale of bowl-simplifying to herb-managing, that has to be closer to the former, right?

The comments are filled with chicks with their own blogs to promote saying, basically, OMG I eat things out of bowls too! And, there’s this one weird one:

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 10.50.59 PMNo, it’s not lame. It’s lame that you think you need a scolding or affirmation from Katy for it. Eat two tacos out of a bowl with a handle, for fuck’s sake. Go crazy.

Last Monday’s post — yes, we’re all the way back to January 26, ugh — is another half-assed attempt to talk about what an exciting, relaxing, replete-with-exclamation-points weekend she had after a hard week of providing food for herself and her child.

• She had a “great time” with her parents, who were visiting from Hillsborough: 2 exclamation points.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.15.23 PM

• Kasual Kathy free-wheeled it without her fancy camera and shot all her weekend photos on the phone she can’t even name-drop the brand of even through she got it through a sponsorship deal: 1 exclamation point.

• She ordered pizza for her parents and made a salad and called it a “pizza party”: 2 exclamation points.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.13.28 PM

• She and her parental babysitters visited a toy store, the free children’s museum downtown — and the fakery, which all adds up to “pack[ing] in a full day” for her child: 0 exclamation points.

• They all ate lunch at Bodo’s Bagels (which she just calls “Bodos,” as though we should know) for a bagel.

She describes the bagel as “big honkin’,” making sure to note that she only eats such a thing “a few times a year” and that hers was whole wheat, but that she should have added “a leaf of lettuce for a bit more nutrition”: 2 exclamation points and one smiley-face emoticon.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.13.46 PM

This looks delicious until you remember that there’s no thin slices of red onion, and probably no capers on it either.

• Her child “was totally melting down” because he’d skipped his nap, so her “grand plans to go to World of Beer,” not that she bothers telling us what that is, had to be canceled. Kathy and her mom stayed home and “opened a bottle of Thomas George Estates wine from Sonoma while we chilled” and waited for Bath Matt and Kathy’s dad to finish their “glorious time”: 0 exclamation points because she missed out on this:

• Bath Matt and Grandpa Pee Paw finally dragged their asses home, bringing take-out salmon, pork, potatoes, and succotash so Kathy could eat dinner.

It was “worth the wait”: 2 exclamation points.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.13.58 PM• Sunday breakfast was a bagel from the shop and fresh mango eaten “‘off the rind,’” which she says is a “trick” from her recent trip to the Disappointment Republic: 1 exclamation point.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.14.15 PM• She did her chores in her “jammies” and then ate more leftover stuff “the guys” brought from the night before, salad, cheese, and “buttery” Marcona almonds: 1 exclamation point for the almonds.

Screen Shot 2015-02-07 at 11.15.09 PM• A few words about how she, but especially her kid, hope her parents return: 2 exclamation points and one smiley-face emoticon.

• Queen Kathy wishes her minions a “Happy 26th” to celebrate being 8 months away from her actual birthday: 1 exclamation point.

In the comments, there’s a boring discussion where someone asks Kathy about smoothies without milk, and Kathy says she tries not to eat protein powder, but gives a few recommendations for protein powders she sometimes buys (not that her readers ever hear about them) and then recommends “plant protein” and has to clarify in another exchange that she means those protein powders. She also gives an even-more useless, dismissive answer, though, when one of her regular commenters — a girl in high school whose own blog’s “about” section describes a pretty shitty early life of physical abuse and eating disorders — asks her what kind of camera Kathy uses:

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 2.18.20 AM

Thanks, Kathy. Glad to know the Olympus E-M5 and the Canon Powershot, C100, 5D, and 7D, all of which have “Mark II” models, are all equal in your mind. Linda, while admittedly imperfect, is at least more consistent with her readership than Kathy is with her support of the companies who pay her for her phony enthusiasm — throw a teenage aspiring healthy-living blogger a fucking bone once in a while, will you, Kathy?

Last Tuesday’s post, on Jan. 27, is about how it was snowing in Charlottesville:

We are getting a few flurries here, but nothing to write home the internet about. 

and how Kathy ate breakfast:

….a quarter of a crumbled Whole Wheat Blueberry Buttermilk muffin from the bakery. Matt brought it home after a test bake and we gave it four thumbs up! Served over Snowville Creamery yogurt with a slice banana and coffee.

To which a commenter asked:

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 7.27.26 PM

The post also covers how she ate a salad with trendy almonds, ranch dressing that her mother-in-law (thankfully fucked off to San Diego to live in happiness instead of lady-in-waiting status for unnecessary chores) “left in our fridge,”

leftover cornbread, pimento cheese from Whole Foods — which, according to her photo is “smoked gouda and pimento cheese”. She describes the dip as “amazing” and fauxyouthtastically exclaims, “Smoked everything all the time.” Ugh. She also had a $1.36/ounce, onion-containing No Bull Burger and some other stuff on top of some additionally other stuff.

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 3.47.47 PM

LONG TIME NO SEE! I actually forgot about No Bulls for a while (I know)

We know…. what?


We don’t know. Does anyone? Kathy spent all last year eating meatless lentil pucks. I had to look that up to make sure, because no one keeps that kind of supposed information in their heads, and how are you supposed to tell if there’s been a break? Kathy feels like this should be notable, though, because

….the nutrition info has dropped the calories from 170 to 130. I’m not sure if they are smaller (they look the same to me) or if they were re-evaluated, but I’m pleased with the update.

Yes, Kathy. I’m sure No Bull did that just because they heard about your diet and wanted to speed things up. 40 calories is going to make all the difference, Kathy. All the difference. Where’s that thinspiration Pinterest, Kathy?

In the comments, there’s a weird exchange where she’s asked about her child’s transition from crib to toddler bed, and says that she wishes she could still keep him “contained.”

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 6.08.53 PM

Last Wednesday’s post, on Jan. 28, titled “Snips + Jumps,” is about how Kathy and Toddler Carbz had

SUCH a fun morning together!!

Why’s that, Kathy?

• Kathy “started the day with a special breakfast” of oatmeal and shit that she made the night before, so she was super happy to not have to spend any time on the day when she ate it. She admittedly fucked it up a little bit, but she and her kid “gobbled it down!”

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 8.15.52 PM

• Then, she got to go to Target “to empty my wallet of all its dollar bills.”

• She then had someone cut Toddler Carbz’s hair,

(which went sooo smoothly this time!)

Kathy also referred to the hairstylist using “styling product,” which required the use of a smiley-face emoticon.

After the haircut, she gave her son “a special treat” by going to an indoor jumping area —

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 8.16.43 PM

— where she let her kid have fun while she made veiled comments about her calorie-burning and her breasts —

talk about a workout! Wear your sports bras ladies : )

— and then to the fakery, where she shamed her child for dipping his peanut butter and jelly sandwich in her dressing:


Oh, shut up, Salad-Fritter ’12.

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 8.20.16 PM

Last Thursday’s entry, on Jan. 29, titled “Last Night’s Dinner,” is another post about how awesome the meal-planning service that has occasionally sponsored Our Kathy is, even though whenever she mentions it, it’s always in the context of how she’s stopped using it and has subsequently become overwhelmed.

Why has she stopped using it? No one knows. What is she doing that’s made her too busy to use a thing that says Buy This, Prepare This, and Make This On This Day and This Day and This Day and This Day and This Day? She’ll never tell. Which is why you start out reading a post that opens like this —

Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed about all of the things I must do everyday to get healthy food on the table, I turn to Cook Smarts. Cook Smarts doesn’t pay me to say that – I truly love the service! When I’m running late for the grocery store on Sunday morning I have someone else do the thinking for me.

— and are liable to react WHY THE FUCK. It’s not that we don’t entirely believe Kathy’s busy, it’s just that, sometimes, it’s hard to understand why she’s “overwhelmed” and “running late” and needing someone else to “do the thinking” when she doesn’t tell her readership.

“What’s for dinner?” is a surprise each night. We have had several great dinners lately – including this one made with cauliflower rice! 

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 10.40.08 PM

It was my first time trying it (this falls into the “I would have never tried this on my own” category.

Why? Why, with a service that purports to tell you what you’re going to be eating for the entire week ahead, are you’re going to be mystified by your nightly dinner? Does CookSmarts send you envelopes sealed with wax that you’re not allowed to open until the evening of said dinner? Do you need to complete some kind of Midnight Madness scavenger hunt before you can learn what you’re going to eat at 7 p.m.?

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 10.08.15 PM

This isn’t the case, apparently, but the system still seems to be throwing Kathy for a lumpy, made-at-home-Cheerios-loop. For instance, the “cauliflower rice” exhausts and terrifies her:

It was very much like real rice in size and shape, but I think I prefer the real deal for its texture.

So…. eat a bowl of rice?

As a second example, Kathy made pork-stuffed cabbage rolls….

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 11.04.20 PM

except that she used beef, because she had beef.

…..and they turned out delicious. Another lightened up meal for the win! (Unlightened by red wine two nights in a row <3 )

Kathy, why are your dinners unenlightened? Or “unlightened”? Or…. is that even a word?

I’m so confused.

Kathy moves swiftly on, though, talking again about meals as though one is equivalent to a battle-like “front” —

On the dessert front, Carpe Donut is trying out a new smaller version of their Frodo, a donut ice cream sandwich (yes!!) I love anything that comes petite sized, so this was perfect split and shared in two. They are hoping to sell these in grocery stores!

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 10.49.15 PM

— because her fight against ingesting calories is a life or death struggle:

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 8.09.32 PM

Kathy ends her post with a weirdly blurry photograph over the shoulder of her husband and her child where they’re talking to her mother-in-law and said mother-in-law

says HI via Google Hangouts!!

Er, thanks.

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 10.50.32 PM

Her readers are as fuzzy as her photos, with the first one saying she’s “confused” —

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 11.07.02 PM

— another commenter saying blogging daily about “similar” meals is quite “tiresome,” and yet another saying that Kathy should really let people know how much the meal-planning program gave her in terms of payment and free services:

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 11.11.34 PM

And yet another links to a This American Life episode about Internet trolls, in which Lindy West is harassed by someone who takes on her late father’s name, a variety of females on NPR are criticized for their voices, and the guy who maintains a camera focused on an osprey nest receives critical emails when the osprey mom starts attacking her babies.

Last Friday’s entry, on Jan. 30, is about a “cozy” “lunch date” with Bath Matt that Kathy had at a place called Court Square Tavern. The lunch is, in Kathy’s words,

now a week old, but I wanted to share it before it is forgotten!

Why would it be forgotten? I mean, in Kathy’s words, the restaurant is a place she’s been walking by “for years” at lunchtime on her way home from the gym. She says “the best cooking smells imaginable” waft out the door:

Garlic, sizzling seafood, bacon, bread. You name it. (Onions too I’m sure!)

So, what happened?


warmed up with a cup of decaf tea before perusing the menu and specials board. Cream + sugar too.

Oh. That was well phrased.

Next, she and Bath Matt looked at the menu, and Kathy described what she found there in language she usually reserves for posts where she’s invited to someone’s wedding and is allowed to both eat cake there and take cake home:

The menu was so tempting and full of comfort foods – from smoked salmon to soups to lots of kinds of bratwurst. It felt very much like the pubs I went to in England. (Matt says they have a good beer selection in the evenings.)

Oh! Tell us more about how that summer in college when you studied in England has stuck with you, Kathy:

Klassic 2007 Kathy.

Klassic 2007 Kathy.

Vintage 2008 Kathy, geographical genius.

Vintage 2008 Kathy, geographical genius.

Anyway, back here in 2015, Kathy kontinues:

Matt and I couldn’t decide what to order and were both tempted by the smoked salmon, so we shared the smoked salmon plate to start. Loved the assemble-it-yourself style.

Screen Shot 2015-02-08 at 11.30.43 PM

In the end, Kathy orders some pea soup “with chewy bites of ham” and toast, and Bath Matt ordered sausage and mustard because he orders meat whenever he’s allowed out to a restaurant, since there’s none to be found in the frozen-lentil steppe of the home freezer. Kathy claimed that his dish was served with “the best mustard ever!” and that it was a “Must buy!”

Which, almost surely, means we’ll never see it on her blog, given the history of the Vosges peanut butter bonbons (“One of THE BEST chocolates ever!!!”) which she raved about needing to purchase more of in all caps in 2010, the roasted tomatoes Kathy insisted she had to make herself after having them at that Forage dinner club in 2013, and the Recipage-honored “Nutty Vanilla Sweet Potato + Kale Soup” Kathy made for a contest at in 2009 (improbably winning $100 with it)

that she called the “best soup we’ve ever made,” promising that she and Bath Matt would “be making this one again!” (she seems to have done so once, in 2011).

Screen Shot 2015-02-09 at 12.06.14 AM


And the fact that, well, “Black Forest mustard” by Dietz and Watson doesn’t seem to exist.

foodsmug lifesmug recaps

KERF Recaps: Kathy Puts Frozen Stuff in a Pot and Pretends It’s Soup

The recaps are two weeks late again, so let’s punish ourselves by jumping straight back into Kathletic Conditioning without stretching OR remembering our Camelback —

— as we return to her entry from Thursday, Jan. 22, “Easy Freezer Vegetable Soup.”

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 12.47.21 PM

Ever since deciding she was going to dumb down her posts, not publish them to the web in the morning, and not stick to a weekday schedule, everything’s gotten even more dumbsy-turvy than usual in Kathy’s world. This post is a “recipe” where she uses up a bunch of leftover shit and makes something that looks terrible, but starts off and finishes up trying to be chatty and casual, using up her allotment of punctuation to make emoticons:

Oooo I’m up late!! Rather, I’m writing late : ) And probably heading right to bed after this.

She published around 7:30 p.m. that night. If I had a nana, she’d be brightly side-eyeing Kathy over a bridge hand and a glass of Scotch.

Did you guys watch Downton Abbey and The Bachelor this week? The first half of the week gets all the good TV. But don’t worry – Survivor fills up the rest

Shit, I spoke too soon. I guess Kathy really WAS exhausted after what was probably a day of Stairmastering for 26 minutes and eating half as many tacos as pregnant ladies everywhere! Are you okay, Kathy?

I LOVED the story line about Mary + her hotel stay in Downton and Whitney is my current favorite for Chris. Kaitlyn is pretty fun too, but I can see Whitney as his wife. Kelsey needs more time with him!

I think I’m more confused about what she just said than when Kathy was calling the show “Downtown” Abbey, unless Whitney is an impertinent village nutritionist, Kelsey and Kaitlyn are dashing scullery maids, and Chris is some rapscallion Seventh Marquess of Milford Haven.

If she could move beyond her distaste for meat, Kathy might have done well as an RD back then.

Stupid “The Bachelor.”

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 11.36.44 AM

Anyway, on to the completely unrelated topic of what the post is supposed to be about. Kathy had half-used frozen vegetables and frozen cooked lentils in the freezer, which is awesome, because she didn’t want to have to chop anything:

While I totally agree that fresh vegetables taste best, frozen are 97% as good in soup form and sure save a lot of chopping time!

I mean, do you guys know how much time she saved not have to chop those lentils? At least 26 seconds.

Into a pot of water, she dumps about three cups of frozen vegetables (er, four once people point out in the comments that she didn’t mention green beans), about two and a half cups of frozen lentils, a box of chicken broth, one clove of garlic, one cup of uncooked barley, a single teaspoon of paprika, and salt, pepper, and Parmesan “to taste,” brings the whole mess to a boil, and simmers it until the barley is cooked (and the vegetables are crap).

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 12.47.35 PM

I’m almost certain the out-of-focus blob on the left is the greater Malacca toad, a cute little bugger Kathy really shouldn’t eat because he’s being threatened by production of one of sponsor General Mills’ favorite asshole ingredients, palm oil.

This nearly fatless pot of corn and peas, she says,

made about 6 servings – 4 if you have a hearty appetite!

And of course everything was super nutritious.

Oh, OF COURSE. Of course it was, Kathy. I mean, you made it! How could it not be? We would never entertain such an idea.

It didn’t taste good —


The Parmesan cheese and hot sauce made the dish!

— but at least there was enough hot sauce to numb everyone’s tastebuds to that.

She ends the post with a “lifestyle tidbit to note” that she “CANCELLED” her order of that $700-1900 (on sale) pretend “boulangerie” table from Restoration Hardware.

Why? Well, because she didn’t want to read the literally only one page of product information that says, after repeated mentions of the circa-1985 pine being “unfinished,” that you should probably throw on some clear furniture wax, at the very least:

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 11.59.57 AMKathy says she

….loved the feel and color, [but] started to freak out about oil and water stains.

And she doesn’t want to hear any suggestions about what she should do instead, thank you very much! In addition to suggesting the usual furniture retailers, Kath’s commenters share stories about how a husband made a table from reclaimed cypress, supporting locally made furniture from Concepts Created and Carolina Farm Table, going to the wonderful Habitat for Humanity ReStore, or purchasing a less-expensive and better-made table from Amish craftsmen (“Come take a trip to Intercourse, PA the next time they invite you to Hershey!” suggests a delightful commenter called Beth) and she ignores them all. Thanks, Kathy!

No chance of Bath Matt following up his porch critter with a full-sized dining Gump then?

Not that “stains” were a potential problem when she decided to re-upholster her living room furniture in white (“inspired” by “Operation Beach Cottage”) with a 20-month-old in the house, but hey, Kathy’s as inconsistent as her definitions of “soup” —

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 1.17.07 PM


— so I’m sure no one’s surprised.

*and also because I’ve been trying to actually attain more than the roughly 50% of Kathy’s daily sleep time I’ve been subsisting on for the last two and a half years. What can I say? The thought of fritters on salad is more terrifying than the evil bicycle clowns in “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.”



fitsmug foodsmug lifesmug recaps shillsmug

KERF Recaps: Kathy Enjoys Bro-Country and Feeds Her Guests Leftover Ice Cream Scrapings

Monday’s post is about how great Kathy’s weekend was, as usual. She went to a concert!

The highlight of my weekend was most definitely the Florida Georgia Line concert!

Oh, okay. Cool. I’m not familiar with the duo, because they seem like a pair of insensitive, smirking asses, but at least it’s not some pseudo-virtue night of jumping jacks and shit wine out of plastic glasses under the guise of virtuefun at the expensive gym. Tell us what you liked about the concert, Kathy:

I just love country music. Rather than trucks and fields (which do take me back to high school), country brings out feelings of small towns for me. Relationships, parties with friends, and living life in the moment – soaking up sunshine, the lake, or a good beer.

Wait…. huh?

What? What does any of that mean? Let’s take a closer look. Kathy starts out saying she loves country music. This is up for debate, but let’s accept her premise. Okay, continue. Kathy says that the country genre “brings out feelings of small towns” for her, rather than evoking “trucks and fields,” even though, on a tangential note, both the concept of trucks and that of fields do conjure up thoughts of high school. To explain the difference, I think she lists “Relationships, parties with friends, and living life in the moment – soaking up sunshine, the lake, or a good beer.” In conclusion…. no, I have no fucking clue why “trucks and fields” have everything to do with high school and nothing to do with relationships, parties, sunshine, lakes, and “good beer,” while “small towns” have everything to do with those things.

Exactly, Nelson.

In any convoluted case, Kathy says that the group is “one of [her] favorite bands!” even though Bath Matt makes fun of her by sending her links that point out how generic and tired their shit is. (Thanks, Bath Matt. What the fuck do you listen to? Gruit-core?)

In the lead-up to bro country evening, Kathy says she, herself at least partially participated in feeding her family:

….I made stuffed shells. This recipe was a wing-it success! We stuffed the shells (after they were boiled) with ground beef, sun-dried tomatoes, Parmesan, frozen spinach and basically all the ingredients in this meatball recipe.

No shit, Kathy? I totally thought there was a method of stuffing meat into DRIED PASTA. Also, the meatball recipe she links to is her own, where you use 1 pound ground beef, 10 ounces frozen spinach, 1/3 cup of sun-dried tomatoes in oil, 1 cup panko, 1/2 grated cheese, 2 eggs, salt, pepper, and the world’s smallest teaspoon of garlic powder. How are Kathy’s meatballs? Let’s ask Sponsored Thanksgiving, who made them. Or, you can take Kathy’s unreliable word:


With sauce poured on top, they turned out great!

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 6.52.39 PM

The red meat must have come out because poor, long-suffering, jambalaya-making Jeff, came over for dinner. He had to bring salad.

They also ate ice cream.

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 6.58.41 PM

Kathy says it’s “worth noting” that they split only half a cup of ice cream scraped from the bottom of two containers and that hers was the really nice custom-made one, which I’m sure she felt rich generosity for giving away because it was her special snowflake stash, when she should have realized she was being a gross miser because who the fuck gets stingy about ice cream? This isn’t Little House in the Big Woods, where obtaining sugar is a perilous journey through panthery woods to obtain gingham and rock candy.

The PB Cup was Karen’s and it ended up in our freezer when she moved – yum!

Guess what, Kathy? Not worth noting. Also? Don’t give your fucking guests ice cream from almost four months ago. That’s disgusting. Go to the store and get fresh stuff, and get more than a pint, so that your guests can have as much as they want. If it’s even possible that your guests might want more of anything and you’re not making it available for them, it’s not hospitality, you stingy bint.

On Saturday, Kathy and her child ate oats, and then went to fancy gym, and then left fancy gym so they could run six miles.

Post-baby PR baby! We ran quite slow (per Nelle’s 13 miler training plan) and I felt good for most of the run. It wore me out for the rest of the day though!

Oh, look at you, Kathy, graciously accommodating Nelle’s speed. We know you would totally run faster if it weren’t for her, wouldn’t you?

After the run, she had

After Mazen and I got home, I proceeded to eat All The Chips. But I paired them with a healthy sardine salad. It’s been my post-run craving these past few weeks!

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.04.03 PM

Kathy trying to wedge Hyperbole and a Half into her blog is as awkward as when she wears that band-leader jacket.

Kathy then went back out and took her child to the children’s museum and then went back home “for nap.”

When she woke up, she was ready to go to the concert, so she put two ounces of wine in a glass and set it on her bathroom shelf and took a picture and posted it on Instagram. Or, as she calls it, she engaged in

A little pregaming!

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.19.44 PM

She and her four friends went to something called the Sedona Taphouse for an “awesome” dinner of wine, “a nice salad,” and a “pretty darn awesome!!” main dish:

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 6.48.05 PM
The five pre-gamed, bro-countried ladies then ate chocolate cake with ketchup, I guess —

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.20.30 PM

— but Kathy had the tiniest portion of all:

Just two bites – perfect!

How was the concert? Well, Thomas Rhett opened:

love him!

Then, the main act played, and Florida Georgia Line was

awesome. Love their style!

I think Kathy would fall down blue on the floor if she’d had to write this entry without using the words “awesome” and “love.” She then posts this photo:

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.20.40 PM


Kathy’s caption: “Blondes like to have fun!!”

Get your shine on!

I don’t know what that means and I refuse to look it up.

Next, she posts this photo:

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.20.53 PM

With the caption, “Guess it’s pretty clear everyone has a smart phone these days ; )”

Yes, because “smart phones” are the only ones with light-up displays. And yeah, wow, Kathy, even the poors who shop at PetSmart and don’t go to happy hour gym and who don’t have NERD on their license plates are capable of obtaining the same technology.

Kathy was out “very late,” so Bath Matt brought her pancakes with chocolate peanut butter on top in bed. She was awake at 7, though, so that probably means she didn’t get to bed until 10:27 p.m.

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.21.02 PM

Swinging back to penitent and healthy from her supposedly wild night of fun and wine, Kathy says she did “work around the house” on Sunday, finished assembling her $500 of particle board —

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.21.11 PM

— ate soup and kombucha, went grocery shopping at Whole Foods, and served her family

Garlicky kale + catfish + veggies + the last of an open bottle of vino.

Screen Shot 2015-01-24 at 7.21.25 PM

She ends by saying something else I don’t wish to know the meaning of:

Hope y’all had shining weekends too!

Tuesday brings with it Kathy’s tentative venturing into the world of shorter posts about what-the-fuck-ever. The neighbors who have the baby and the chickens came over on Monday, and Kathy was excited about it because it was an excuse for chocolate, shortbread, and alcohol:

Company always makes for a fun Monday : ) What normally would be a boring night turns into a celebration with wine and dessert!

She left the boxes out from that diaper-change-crafts hutch monstrosity, so at least Toddler Carbz and Neighbor Girl had something to play with aside from rusty baskets of rubber ducks from Grandma Buzz’s attic.

The pop-up ads on Kathy's site are now literally working to protect the privacy of her child and her child's friends, at least.

The pop-up ads on Kathy’s site are now literally working to protect the privacy of her child and her child’s friends, at least.

Who cares that the instruction manual says to wash all the dust and crud off of all the 260 pieces of the hutch after taking them out of the boxes? If Toddler Carbz can handle a little yellow spray paint and chardonnay in utero, mystery dust and petrochemical smoke from picturesque Guangdong* is nothing.

I am really sorry for my shitty Google Translated Chinese. It's supposed to say "Are you supposed to change diapers on this shelf? How idiotic."

I am really sorry for my shitty Google Translated Chinese. It’s supposed to say “Are you supposed to change diapers on this shelf? How idiotic.”

While the children were playing in, I don’t know, the perfect flow of aerosolized melamine or whatever, Kathy “and” Bath Matt made meal-planning-service dinner:

….chicken thighs with rice (which I pesto-fied instead of pilafed) and cabbage. The cabbage was a lovely delicious surprise with great garlicky flavor! Cook Smarts recommended lemon and greek yogurt, and they were great additions to the meal.

Why is Poison Ivy's bra on the table?


I’m guessing that “pesto-fied” means she plunked a frozen cube of pesto from 2013 onto the rice instead of using the obvious onion that would have been required for rice pilaf, but leave it to Kathy La Misteriosa to not explain any of that. She then decides to tell us both how fancy she was on Tuesday morning and what an inconvenience her child is, by saying they

dined on scrambled eggs (which he requested and then wouldn’t touch)

I would rather have whatever the "Pub Diet" from Crapplebee's than whatever made that bread look like carbception.

I would rather have whatever the “Pub Diet” from Crapplebee’s is than whatever made that bread look like carbception.

In addition to recording, for posterity, yet another time when she’s decided to see something her 2-year-old son has done as inconvenient, Kathy capitalizes “Pomegranate,” which is dumb because she always says “greek yogurt” and “french toast” and the shift key exists for a reason. However, overall, this new format where she talks about whatever for a few paragraphs is as bracing as a cold smoothie in a bowl tipped over one’s head, to which I offer a sincerely slow-clapping thank you to Our Kerfiness. The emoticons and exclamation points are still freaking everywhere, but trying not to treat every day’s entry like it’s a fucking book report on The Andromeda Strain, and forcing Guest RDs and endless lists of everything she ate in a given week has put a magazine-walking pep in Kathy’s written step and a Bare Minerals glow on her selfied cheeks. Or maybe I just like being able to recap shorter posts.

*No, I have no idea where in China that ugly hutch in which her stupid cheese box does not fit perfectly was manufactured.

fitsmug foodsmug lifesmug recaps

KERF Recaps: Kathy Lets Her Husband Have A Birthday, Sorta, Registers for a Race, Maybe, And Her Sister Closes Her Blog, But Opens A New One

Last Thursday’s post is about what an amazing effort Kathy, the impromptu newscaster, put in for her husband’s birthday:

We are live from Charlottesville this morning!!

How did Kathy make Bath Matt’s 32nd birthday so “smashing”? First, she “showered” him with a bounty of presents:

….new shirts from GAP with breakfast along with celebratory French toast – topped with coconut butter “frosting” and sprinkles!

Screen Shot 2015-01-21 at 12.20.55 AM

Our favorite weather girl also announced Charlottesville’s first “snow dusting,” which she said was “quite exciting.” Bursting with the thrill of it all, she went to the gym for “workout and play time” before heading to the fakery to eat a free salad and a free slice of something called “Raspberry Swirl —


That evening, after Bath Matt got home from his full day working at the fakery, “a playmate … aka a babysitter” took care of Toddler Carbz so that Kathy and Bath Matt could go to a Wednesday-night beer tasting at Market St. Wine Shop. Somehow, she managed to not describe this as a variation on the word “play,” although she did caption a photo of her husband “Beer Nerd,” some term to which they aspire, and said they brought one of their latest California wine trip bottles of wine

Yummy Roth Pinot!

to the C&O restaurant, where she didn’t have to cook or clean a damn thing.

Do tell us, food blogger, about the bread:

GAH! Like a doughy pretzel with that salt crust on top!

Let’s continue. How did Bath Matt enjoy his birthday meal?

Matt got pick of the menu and chose a cheese plate as an appetizer.

Wait, that’s something worth noting? That he was able to pick his own order? Is he a child? Actually, scratch that. Even children — especially on their birthdays — can generally pick what they want to eat, right?

It’s especially dumb to be royally handing out menu pardons when Queen KERF can’t even describe the food that came to the table in an adult fashion:

For entrees I had the sea bass with mushrooms and root veggie puree. Pea shoots on top! Delicious.

Matt had duck, his favorite, with a sweet potato + blue cheese layer stack that was awesome.

We also ordered a side of butternut squash with crispy sage – divine!

So, someone who makes her living writing about food just described two dinners by saying they were “delicious,” “awesome,” and “divine,” and that one of the ingredients was “crispy”? I’ve gotten hungrier reading Cheez-It coupons*.

The dessert:

And finally…the warm chocolate tart with peanut butter ice cream. Matt likes to say that he doesn’t really care for dessert, but he proclaimed this the best dessert he had ever had!! Good timing for his birthday ; )

How nice that a grown-ass man was allowed to choose his own meal for his own damn birthday.

Kathy posted a second entry on Thursday by accident, saying she “pushed publish too soon.” This one was about how she registered for that 10-mile race she was dithering about a few weeks ago. Her reaction?




Oh, why’s that, dear?

Well, it has to do with a lack of, ahem, forests near Kathy’s neighborhood:

I haven’t been in a good running grove [sic] since…2011 maybe?

Back in the day I used to run outside a lot, and consistently 6 miles or so at a time. Once time I did 8 for fun (imagine that!) I used to sign up for races more often, and my greatest distance was the Racefest Half Marathon in Charlotte (at an 8:41 pace!)

Why won’t that happen now? Well, her absurdly geriatric age of 32 means she’s “older,” and she’s supposedly interested only in training “for the fun of it!”

 I don’t believe that, but maybe it’s true. She says she runs 4 miles in one burst every week, or maybe 5 miles — which she can do in 48 minutes — but that 10 miles shouldn’t be too hard:

I’m sure I could run them tomorrow if I needed to.

She complains that the cold has been holding back her running times, but that she’s on track with a training plan she’s “discussed” with a friend called Nelle, described as “a speed demon runner.”

Who’s Nelle? Well, Nelle had her kid about half a year before Kathy had Toddler Carbz. Here she is with her newborn child and with Charlottesville’s top inspiration for hair, makeup, and taco-eating, last Halloween:

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 12.25.56 AM

Kathy says she would like to run three times a week, but her kid is not going to make that “feasible,” so she wants to do a weekly 3-mile run indoors at her gym and a weekly 4-mile run outdoors.

Well, only if Bath Matt can change his work schedule to accommodate her, since her gym won’t allow her to drop her child off so she can prance around the streets of Charlottesville

….and it’s too cold/dark to run outside with him this time of year. I’m also going to have to plan around soccer games. I shouldn’t run the day after a game because my legs are usually really sore, and our games come and go on random days.

She also says that she’ll be aiming for a time of an hour and 45 minutes, since her top speed for a 10-mile course was 90 minutes, pre-Inconvenient Toddler:

Maybe it’s a little too easy of a goal, but again, this is for fun! I have a handful of friends who are also running it, so we’re hoping to do some of the training runs together.

Kathy’s also given herself a perk: a new pair of running shoes. She’s “dusted off” her Garmin — as well as some photos of herself from more than half a decade ago —


From 2010, when she described coffee as her “ergogenic aid and laxative ;)” so that she could let her readers know she had taken a shit — or, in her words, was “totally digested and ready to go” — by whatever time.

— and her Camelbak Charm, so that she can “do another batch of [her] homemade sports drink”:

This time of year though, I hope the water doesn’t freeze in the tube! I’ll probably do another batch of my homemade sports drink for the longer runs since that worked so well last time.

She ends the post by asking for “suggestions from any hard-core runners out there!” There are a couple recommendations that she join the Charlottesville Track Club’s program that’s specifically geared towards training for the 10-miler —

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 5.05.12 PM

— mixed in with some general encouragement and some Who Cares, Just Go Have Fun sentiment. Look, Kathy — there are things where I, too, talk about wanting to throw up (as she used to do) that end up being fun, but they’re generally confined to roller-coasters. And I don’t have to tell anyone about what I do in the bathroom.

 Kathy posted a sixth weekly post on Friday, thanking her readers for “all the wonderfully nice comments” on her post about returning to a more informal, less informational format for her blog:

I am loving bringing back these little chatty posts!

Friday’s post is about how she had toast, orange, coffee, and a smoothie for breakfast, creating what she calls “Breakfast time chaos”:
Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 4.34.32 PM
Gosh, yes. Look at that. A blender, a bottle of milk, a banana peel, a mug, a yogurt lid, the blender lid, and a plastic container of salad?
Good thing she has her blue Camelback water bottle — just looking at that “chaos” makes me dehydrated.
The smoothie contained spinach, banana, peanut butter, milk, and, to “make it epic,” oats. She writes that’s she’s returning to the $500 Vitamix Culinary Institute of America Professional Series blender the company gave her in 2010:

I am also back using my Vita-mix full time. I decided that I like having less parts and it sure does make a fluffy smoothie.

To conclude the entry, she says she’s “taking the day off of the gym due to a morning meeting,” switches to weather-girl mode —

We have a sunny day on tap, and it should be a little warmer than usual, so M and I are hoping to meet up with some friends for a playdate.

— and comment-baits for people (“y’all”) to tell her their “big” weekend plans, so that she can get the occasional 50 or 70 comments instead of 30.

As for Kathy’s weekend plans? She went to the Florida Georgia Line concert with Sarah (the one who ate two tacos that one time, when Kathy only ate one).

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 4.22.48 PM

I was unfamiliar with “Florida Georgia Line” being anything more than something one crossed while driving up and down the East Coast on I-95, but Wikipedia describes their style of music as “bro-country.”

Ripped denim, crosses, mirrored sunglasses, stuff with the Confederate flag on it, tattoos, dog tags, tractor tires, pickup trucks, and railroad ties.

 Why are they sitting like that? Do they need donut pillows?

We end by saying goodbye, this week, to Kathy’s sister’s blog, “Taking Back My Twenties.”

Larbs apparently found her twenties. This whole time, it turns out they were under that Guanaja Chocolate Coulant Daniel Boulud made at the Speiser-Skipper wedding. Who knew?

Well, more accurately, Larbs said that she finally realized she “was in denial about being an adult” when she started her first blog in 2010.

You think?

From 2011:

I’m so mentally ready for spring break next week. And then I remembered I probably will never get a spring break again. Sad. I was telling an older woman at work about my blog today and used the term quarter life crisis, and she said ‘quarter life crisis....ha, get a life.’ I can’t decide if her response was mean or if I deserve that reaction…

More from 2011:

You see, I’m not adjusting well to working 9 hour days and I’m totally wishing away the weeks (something I vowed not to do). As you know from my almost daily complaints, I’m tired and never feel like doing much (despite 8+ hours). I’m just assuming this is a normal part of the transition to full-time work? I don’t know how people can spend so many waking hours in an office and feel fulfilled. I went to regular spinning today (I’ve been doing SYNC Cycle), and during an awesome song, I realized I haven’t felt energized or inspired by exercise in weeks. …. I just dream of the summer or a time when I’ll be free to just be. But with only ten days off a year, there is no extended time to just be. And that feeling is suffocating. I keep thinking to myself I miss my life -it’s been taken away from me, and I need to take it back! …. the idea that I have to spend an hour preparing for the next work day and get in bed at 9:30 haunts me.

From 2012:

Since graduation I feel like, as an adult, I’m supposed to just work, exercise, eat healthy meals, and save money during the week. I think the thing I miss most about college is the feeling that the only thing I’m really supposed to be doing is learning. Anyway, I got home from work and decided to protest being an adult. I skipped my workout, ate cookies that arrived in the mail (thanks to Matt’s mom!!), fell asleep on the couch at 5 o’clock, avoided my to-do list with five episodes of House Hunters, and ate cereal for dinner.

When she started the blog, she writes in her I Found Them They Were Under The Long Layer Of My High-Low Hem Dress This Whole Time post, she longed for college. Then, life “seemed easy” —

….Aside from attending classes and completing homework assignments, there was time to exercise outdoors, eat lunch with friends, participate in clubs, volunteer or work off-campus, watch TV, play on the internet, go shopping, party, or (my personal favorite) just sit around and enjoy the company of interesting people. Because of this, I was very very sad to have to leave the college community and enter the real world.

Yes, I’m sure it was a veritable Algonquin Round Table at Davidson, Larbsie, where the conversation sparkled with stories about how you caught your future husband’s eye with your retainer.

While that still sounds nice “sometimes,” Larbs writes,

….I realized I no longer needed to be like a younger version of myself to be happy….I have so many things going for me that I didn’t in my mid-twenties – a job I’ve always dreamed of, financial independence, a loving husband, and now a house of my own. II’ll [sic] be turning 30 this year, and if this is what 30 looks like, then I’ll take it!

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 5.21.14 PM

 Being a natural blonde is really and truly one of the least exciting things that can happen to you in life.

The next paragraph is like a deconstructed burrito bowl of Shit Larbs’s Sister Will Never Say:

To my faithful readers, I’m sorry that my content has suffered over the past year. I should have written this post a long time ago. I still very much enjoy blogging, and I’ve loved being part of the blogging community. Selfishly, I also cherish this space as an online journal. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more private and you’ve probably noticed that my writing has focused primarily on food, travel, and more food.

While it’s not Larbs found the Ebola vaccine in between her marscapone ice cream and blue cheese grits or anything — and those actually sound pretty fucking delicious — her ability to take an even slightly mature and critical look at the purpose of maintaining a diary in public for a specific purpose is laudable in comparison to her older sister’s increasingly stunted schtick. It’s also laudable once you reach the comments at the end of her post:

Screen Shot 2015-01-12 at 3.39.47 PM

Screen Shot 2015-01-12 at 3.39.37 PM

Because, holy shit. Larbs’ mother and her older sister seem to wish they, themselves, could cling to their own idealized “twenties” — the exact idealization Larbs realized was sad and limiting, rather than gleeful and girlish.

No, Larbs, they seem to say. Don’t let go. You said you’d never let go. Come back to your twenties. You can eat all the frosting you want here!

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 10.53.13 PM

*It’s too bad they’re not actual Cheez-It ads, because I’d totally buy the Cheez-It dust.

fitsmug foodsmug lifesmug recaps smugnom

KERF Recaps: Kathy Wears A Terrible Vest and Changes Her “Work Flow”

Kathy starts out the week by greeting her readers, whom she calls “weekend warriors!!” She’s talking to people on a Monday, and not implying that any of them participate in an activity mostly done on the weekends — reservist training, or riding a motorcycle — but, hey, she had a phrase rattling around in her head that contained the word “weekend,” and catching it and typing it makes her clever.

After making an allusion to her mother-in-law, who’s now joyously fucked off to San Diego away from her paparazzi daughter-in-law,

basking in warm weather on a sailboat!? Wink wink Karen.

Kathy describes her own weekend as “pretty low key,” aside from it being “a little wild!” on Friday.

Her definition of wild?

The boys when on a father-son date to Citizen Burger, and I joined some friends at Mono Loco for girls’ night.

She went to Mono Loco, a restaurant that describes itself as “nouveau-Latin,” where she usually gets something called a Spice-a-Rita. These are pictures of actual Spice-a-Ritas from the Internet:

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 5.36.41 PM

Here is the “tasty!” drink she had:

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 4.55.33 PM

She also ate a seafood “burrito bowl,”

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 4.57.07 PM

and then “went out partying.” What does that mean?

Kathy says only that she

stayed out way too late!! Fun times.

On Saturday, Bath Matt went to the fakery, and Kathy started opening boxes to a $213 Martha Stewart hutch (in “picket fence,” a.k.a. white) that was made in China, contains 32 different kinds of panels, screws, and other bits — 241 pieces to keep track of, in all — and specifically says in the 14 pages of instructions that if you don’t assemble it with two people, you’ll damage it.

Saturday morning Matt went to work and Mazen and I enjoyed eggs, orange and toast before embarking on a massive furniture assembly project …. An organizer’s dream!!! …. I’m hoping to put this in the basement and use it for arts + crafts and things plus files, obviously.

The hutch’s companion piece, a $453 base, hasn’t been delivered yet, but takes 22 pages of instructions. So that should be fun. Bath Matt eventually came home, at which time it appears the hutch was finally assembled. Kathy says she is “pumped for all those little cubbies!” and experienced unimaginable “excitement when I realized my vintage cheese box fit perfectly inside : )”

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 8.06.40 PM

I’d say that cheese box looks about 4″ too short to fit “perfectly,” but whatever geckos your hutch, Kathy.

Kathy went on a run in weather

so cold that my muscles froze and I was so stiff and sore when I got home

posted these photos of herself —

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 7.52.38 PMand says,

See – it really was a low key weekend: sweat pants and wet hair all day long!

The vest is from Land’s End, by the way, and it might mark the only time she wears the same thing as Jordan “Ramshackle Glam” Reid, who got hers for free.

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 9.07.48 PM

The inspiration for “Babby Forming Despite Life Threatening Heels,” for which I love her. Tenuous connection to “Always Sunny”? Not so much.

She ate a sardine “salad” and “crackers and chips” for a “late lunch,” before allowing her child to play outside “in 15 minute increments” because it was cold. That evening, she posted a photo of beer in a wine glass — or, as she says,

we cracked this guy open

— and cooked Thai Shrimp Curry she’s going to write about “in a few weeks” because it’s part of a deal where that food delivery service Blue Apron pays her for it, I think. Kathy says,

It was delish and packed with flavor. Everyone agreed!

This is supposed to be curry.

This is supposed to be curry.

On Sunday, she ate oats with pumpkin, peanut butter, and a muffin on top for breakfast, “mac and cheese” sent to her by General Mills-owned Annie’s Homegrown for lunch,

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 8.26.37 PM

and took time for

chores, an indoor soccer game (we lost this time :( ) and relaxing

In comments, she responds to a question about how the “grass-fed” macaroni and cheese tasted with her typically charming lack of spell-check and punctuation:

Though [sic] it was good! Same as regular. ThiS was leftovers so the sauce was all soaked

In Tuesday’s post, Kathy announces a change to her blog since she said she was going to reboot it to “slow” her work two years ago to focus on “adventures and meals.”

Nay! Not a change! A RENAISSANCE.

2013′s “Adaptation” post:

Five years ago I started an online food diary to share with friends and family how eating healthy could be enjoyable and delicious. Never in a million years could I have imagined what KERF would become. If you told me someone would document every meal she ate for over five years, I would tell you she was crazy. Yet here I am — the crazy person!!

And, on Tuesday, she wrote:

It’s been nearly 2 years since KERF went from a thrice daily food and lifestyle journal to a 5x a week blog with lifestyle posts thrown in. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my work flow, my interests, your feedback and where I see KERF years from now.


You guys have followed me from a desk job to Chemistry 101, from California to Africa, from cafeterias to hospitals, from Charlotte to Charlottesville, from books to bread, and from morning sickness to a new member of the family. Plus every meal along the way. I thank the thousands of you who check in daily from the bottom of my heart for your support and friendship.

She returned to this at the end of her post, signing off with,

Thank you all again – you are the best!

Just a note: She got about 300 comments in the first week after she posted about her “Adaptation.”

2015: Not a damned word about her readers.

It’s been almost a week, and there are 71 comments. One of them praises her for being a survivor :

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 1.18.20 AM

Why is she cutting down on her posts again?

This is how she blamed her baby, er, what she said in 2013:

I find myself at a crossroads now. Mazen not only needs a lot of my attention; he deserves it. I have loved sharing the “day in the life” of a newborn these past four months, but I know as he becomes more mobile, social and interactive, I’m going to want to spend even more time with him as well as my friends and the friends Mazen will make. I also would like to pursue some other interests and projects and need a bit more time in my day to do so.

Thus, I need flexibility. And the time has come to change gears.

And this is how she blamed her toddler, er, what she said on Tuesday:

….life became so unpredictable with an infant. There were days when I literally had zero minutes in my day to even look at the computer, and I didn’t want the stress of not having a post up and you guys wondering where I was if I couldn’t fit one in.

I’m a very consistent person!

One of the key ways she’s consistent has been in refusing to take any reader feedback, especially when it has to do with her admitting that she’s not the tiniest-meal-eating, perfect-sponsor-having food blogger of her dreams:

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 1.30.51 AM


So, she “can think about doing a post” about her “very small,” “tiny bite”-sized snacks — which are really just “bites.” Which doesn’t even mean that she will put in the effort to think about them. But she could. If she wanted to.

What would she rather focus on? Getting money to write about free boxes of cereal and macaroni from General Mills:

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 1.31.51 AM

So, what should we expect from her blog in the days ahead? In 2013, she said it would be

A less frequent posting schedule, some day-in-the-life posts and topical posts….

Look. I understand that some people’s parents might pay a little extra to know that their kid is going to a college where the kid doesn’t have to do their own laundry, like Davidson, because maybe they want their kid to be taken care of in the way they’ve been accustomed to at home. Paying more for a laundry service is sort of like paying extra for your kid to get a meal plan, right? The kid could take care of it on their own, but maybe it would be an easier transition if they didn’t have to live off ramen microwaved in a closet-sized “kitchen” down the hall and they could eat a salad and have a glass of orange juice every now and then, no?

But I think you’d want to make sure that the place at least taught said kid that etymology isn’t about words just meaning what they sound like in the context of 21st-century English. To wit — topical doesn’t mean ABOUT TOPICS.

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 4.00.29 PM

Kathy thinks that’s what it means, though, so let’s plow ahead.

Topics, she said at the time, would include things that, yes, she’s followed through on — recipes, “selected” meal recaps, “day in the life” posts, “Products I love,” “updates” on her exercise, beer reviews, and restaurant recaps. She did, a month after her “Adaptation,” post something about “Top 10 favorite nut butters,” (which she did the month after her reboot). Her promised “series on Real Foods” ended up being posts from guest RDs who had blogs or shakily credentialed merchandise to shill. Her “Adventure recaps” with photos of her child ended up just being braggy shit about her weekend when Bath Matt was probably too hungover to pose for photos — or he forgot his fedora.

Screen Shot 2015-01-19 at 4.30.46 PM

And I don’t think she’s said shit about gardening, which she promised, other than the summer after her Adaptation, when she complained about how she “LOVE[S] fresh herbs but don’t cook with them much because they are hard to manage in the kitchen.”


At the time, she said this would be easy:

I don’t have a plan, but I have hundreds of ideas of posts I can write that don’t require me to document my daily life. Posts that were I not writing about daily meals and going through so many life changes these past five years, I might have written a long time ago.

It seems that the reality of turning those “hundreds of ideas of posts” into a reality got on top of her, according to Tuesday’s post:

…. to be honest, they aren’t as fun and take twice as long to prepare as writing about my daily life and meals! People used to ask me how I blogged three times a day, and I would reply that my content was auto-generated by my meals so it didn’t feel like work. I didn’t have to come up with anything to write about….

Oh, the thing you do to earn money isn’t “fun”?

Anyway, Kathy says she’s been

….craving a more casual tone of posting for a while, but you can’t really write about topics and get that same vibe. In one of my surveys, 80% of you guys asked for more informal posts, so that’s the direction I’m headed.

I want (and need) to continue to do topical posts as ideas come to me because I don’t want to put the pressure of having the whole week wide open with nothing planned [sic]. Plus some posts work better as formal topics anyways. I also want (and need) to continue to do sponsored posts, as they are what keeps this blog running.

Thus, moving forward I am hoping KERF will be a hybrid. (But don’t hold me to anything – I might change my mind!)

She finally gets around to saying she’s not going to do those awful “Lately” posts where she writes about every damned thing she’s eaten in a week, and that

Maybe I’ll even come back with 2 posts in one day at times! I know it’s taken me a while to put your requests into action, but I haven’t been ready until now.

In conclusion, Kathy says that since she wasn’t ready to be more informal until now, we should now “Expect the unexpected,” and that she might “disappear” or post late, except don’t hold her to any of that, because she’s so consistent — except when she’s not.

Wednesday’s post is about how she wants to write about some dinners she ate in the week before her post, and also how she wants to write about how she bought a new dining room table:

We’re getting a new one from Restoration Hardware – their 1900s Boulangerie Table – aka a French bakery table!!! {How appropriate!}

She took food photos for Wednesday on their kitchen-turned-porch table, saying,

….I’m not sure how I feel about food photography on it! The color is just so different. But since our new table is lighter wood as well (to fit the beach house theme) I’m excited for the new look. Things will be better when the sun is out at 6pm!

The dinners she mentioned earlier are described in a section called “Mystery Meat.” She says that she cooked 

a random…. sausage


tasso …. another mystery meat!

because Bath Matt

brings home meats that he trades for bread at the farmer’s market

They ate the first one with whole wheat linguine, garbanzos, kale, and frozen tomato paste and frozen chipotle peppers:

Since you usually only need a little bit of each, we always freeze the rest and just break off a chunk to add to a dish. Served with some vino, this dinner was great!

The second “mystery meat” dinner, Kathy said,

….sure took a simple vegetable soup to the next level! To our big pot we added a box of chicken broth, 2 cups of frozen peas and green beans, a few dried herbs and then the sliced tasso and let it simmer for 30 minutes or so. 

For the last dinner she felt like recapping, she mentions that she bought some more of that fresh Mona Lisa pasta they get locally. She bought a lasagne for “a new mom” and bought herself one as well, she writes:

The cheese lasagna was ready in an hour. Mazen loved it and called it “Anya” like our neighbor! We made a salad with avocado, red pepper and a homemade dressing on the side. Kombucha to drink!

She ends by wishing her husband a happy birthday in all caps. We’ll see how Kathy celebrates her husband — and, presumably, it’ll be in a way that completely complements her 26,000 Kinds of Pumpkin Beer 32nd Who Gives A Fuck About That One birthday.