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KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, (Guest) Post 320

There’s a perfect blend of nutrients and suspenseful intrigue Tuesday on Kathy’s blog, where she introduces a new friend/get-out-of-work-free card:

Who knows what the acronyms mean? I suspect the second-to-last one is in Parseltongue. Yes, I could Google them, or skip to the very bottom of the post, where Kathy’s buried Braddock’s bio:

“Personally” married? As opposed to impersonally married?

Kathy does a piss-poor job introducing her poor guest from start to finish, telling her readers:

I bring you a new RD today

What, as a sacrifice for wearing the bracelet of Rascar Capac?

Tell us more, Kathy.

Jenna is a mother of two

Oh, that again?

and a part-time sports dietitian. She is here to tell you about her path to become a and then her recommendations for fueling before, during and after workouts. Enjoy!

Her path to become a what? A what?! A pangolin? A Swiffer-whisperer? A Blood Pact Scout?

I guess she meant to write “her path to become a sports dietitian,” because that’s what Braddock begins by talking about, no thanks to her host flubbing her intro:

Everyone has a different story but becoming a CSSD usually takes determination, guts, and a lot of hard work. But it can be done. Oh, and it’s definitely NOT glamorous.

So Braddock started out like Kathy. She got her RD certification. But that wasn’t enough for Braddock. She wanted to do something sporty, with sports or something. She read a ton of textbooks, went to a workshop with a lady called Nancy Clark, coached high school volleyball, started counseling athletes through the Y, cold-called and got a consulting gig at a “sports performance facility,”* finished her masters, passed the Certified Specialist in Sports Dietetics exam, cold-called a university and got another consulting gig for a year, shadowed some university RDs and realized the work would be too hard to do well while birthin’ babies, Miss Scarlett, and now does part-time work with “local athletes” and teams while raising two kids and looking forward to the day when she can spend more time working with elite athletes.

This sounds like a lot of work, so I hope Braddock makes a repeat appearance to tell us how much laundry she had to stop folding and coffee she had to stop brewing so that she would have enough time for that next step.

Not this time, though. This time, Braddock is here to talk about “real food” alternatives to the kind of “fuel” elite athletes eat when they’re elitely athleting. When you’re bench-pressing and running marathons, that loaf of bread-bunny sorrow isn’t just “food.” No! You can call it “fuel.” Part of that is to rid yourself of the guilt of eating it, you fatty fat thing you, but the other part is because, well, whatever these “gels, drinks and gummies” are, they don’t sound good.

If you “get creative,” Braddock promises, you can get “the same results with actual real food.”

Some new research has begun to support the idea that whole foods like bananas can produce the same performance results as sports drinks, which have a lot of research to support their benefits.

Shall we say “research” a few more times without linking to any actual research? No, let’s just introduce another term as meaningless as it is vaguely inspiring:

First and foremost, sports nutrition is one big experiment to find what works for you …. I encourage my clients to find their “power foods” – the food and drink combinations that make them feel energized and they know will give them a good workout or help them finish strong.

She says “everyone can find their power foods,” even if you end up eating things “that seem a little weird (as in not your normal food or maybe not-so ‘heathy’).” In other words, move over while I finish my fried pickles.

The post then turns into a huge list of “fuel ideas” you can eat for “fueling” when you work out for longer than an hour, because fuck knows food should be a rigidly timed science experiment with precise proportions of macronutrients in elementary school snack form.

Half an hour to an hour before beginning your fuel-depleting, fuel-needing workout, Braddock says you should eat a Larabar, a Clif granola bar, regular low-fat yogurt with granola, a “bagel thin” or piece of bread or English muffin with “natural peanut butter,” a banana and “natural nut butter,” pita chips and hummus, cereal or fruit with milk, or something she made for a National Honey Board contest that she calls “My Hidden Honey Bars.”

Oh, but dude! If you work out for more than an hour? You can

Take in something every 15-20 minutes from the very BEGINNING.

You can have the homemade gel she makes with maple syrup, or banana pieces, or dried pineapple, or salted potatoes, or small pieces of a cereal bar, or “all natural jelly beans or fruit snacks”

or Fig Newtons or — drum roll — Mini Peppermint Patties.

Within an hour of finishing your workout, Braddock suggests consuming organic chocolate milk, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an energy bar, low-fat Greek yogurt with cereal

(Skip granola here due to typically having a higher fat content, which can slow absorption.)

a milk and fruit smoothie, a turkey sandwich, cheese or deli meat with crackers, something gigantic like

my Orange Chicken over Apricot Spinach Quinoa or Easy Sweet and Sour Stir Fry

or something stupidly specific:

6 oz 100% tart cherry or pomegranate juice protein bar (with 25 grams or less of protein)

That is, if your gut isn’t absolutely stuffed with peppermint chocolates.

Braddock says her suggested snacks “just might be your power food combination to athletic success.” That is, if you’re planning on busting your actual butt working out; if you’re going to work out for just 26 minutes, she says all you get is water.

*Presumably, a magical cross between a gym and a theater, where you can Jazzercize your way through “Into the Woods” at 7:30 or engage in a delightful Krav Maga version of “La bohème” at 9.