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KERF Recaps, Day 781: Kathy Martyrs About Two Kids, Teaches Us Eggs, Wears Free Clothing, Keeps Talking About Her Digestion, and Needs Encouragement From Machines

Surrender to the NASA scientists, because we’re about to take a time-dilated trip to a planet 260 smug-years away to fill our minds with details that must be shared with the world about what some 31-year-old stay-at-home mom ate, how she was totally overwhelmed by taking care of one extra child for two days, how she cooks eggs, and which companies are sending her free things in exchange for reviews wherein she’s totally not influenced by the giddy thrills of getting prezzies. That’s right, it’s another entire week of KERF to get through.

For Waldo.

Let’s start with what a difficult weekend Kathy had:

I don’t think I sat down between Friday and Sunday evenings.

Oh no, Kathy! Why was that?

We were parents of two twins this weekend, and had our hands full!

Also, as opposed to three or four or five twins?  Okay, so Kathy’s BFF Sarah and her husband dashed off for a “romantic getaway,” leaving their daughter at the Younger-Smugsons’ home. This was obviously a gigantic burden on Kathy. On Friday, she left the kids at gym daycare so she and Bath Matt could bring fakery sandwiches and cookies to that happy hour/grown-up field day exercise thing. Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 12.33.27 AM The event

was EXHAUSING [sic] and probably the fastest I have ran [sic] in 3+ years.

Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.44.13 PM All that exhausing have-ranning paid off, despite the best efforts of her child, who has been existing in the most dastardly way these last two years:

Sadly my team lost, but I came in as the female with the fastest run time and second overall! I was pretty pleased with that considering I have done zero training or races since becoming a mom. Just my competitive nature coming out!

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 12.32.36 AM Not to be outdone, Bath Matt did his best to cheat in the evening’s lame-ass beer-drinking competitions: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.47.32 PM On Saturday, Kathy forced herself upright and allowed the children to do things:

took it easy with the kiddos and let them play inside and outside and all around. I ate breakfast standing in the kitchen while pacing back and forth making sure both kids had everything they needed.

Bath Matt brought home fakery quiche and salad for lunch, after which, the couple brought the kids to a Farm Bureau event that Kathy described as “a 4H festival at Lee Park where they got to see a host of animals up close and personal.” After going home to nap, the couple and Bath Matt’s mom took them out to a pizza place, where Kathy ate salad, “had a beer sampler for old time’s sake,” and

shared FOUR pizzas between the 5 of us – with the intention of bring home plenty for lunch the next day!

At home, fitting perfectly with Kathy’s statement that keeping track of two toddlers meant she couldn’t sit down once during the whole weekend, she reports that,

Once the kiddos were asleep, Matt and I watched some TV and totally vegged out.

On the final day of Kathy’s grueling two-child weekend, she reports that “we” made eggs, toast, and fruit, before Bath Matt took the children to the gym (again) and to the park, while Kathy went grocery-shopping, put some apples and cinnamon in her $145 Zojirushi rice cooker,  and

worked my butt off around the house. I logged 5,000 steps on my Jawbone before noon!

all by herself for two hours. When Bath Matt brought the kids back, they fed them leftover pizza and salads, and then took them to Kathy’s grown-up soccer game. Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 12.35.08 AM

{WE WON!!} Jawbone total including soccer = 19,683 steps. I think I’m going to hit 20,000 before this day is over! (A record!)

With Toddler Carbz’s pal’s parents back in town, the Younger-Smugsons had them and Bath Matt’s mom over to eat pork, zucchini, eggplant, fakery rolls, “taters,” and “Simi Sauv Blanc” for dinner. Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 12.36.06 AM Kathy concludes her five-paragraph essay about her weekend by saying that it was

a lovely mix of kicking back at home and the flurry of having two children underfoot.

Have a Miltown, Kathy.

Tuesday’s post comes from the agonizingly ambitious promise of Kathy teaching us how to make “Perfect Scrambled Eggs.” There’s a video with some ear-skewering, tinny sound quality straight out of a Skype call over dialup in 2005, where Kathy says she won’t be sharing anything “profound” because she assumes everyone already knows how to scramble an egg, Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 9.43.58 PM and also the post itself, where she blames her Inconvenient Toddler for prompting her

love affair with eggs

since he was born two years ago.

Call it a physiological craving or a random change of palate – I have no idea when my taste shifted from oatmeal to eggs.

Whatever. We don’t call it anything because who sits around trying to assign thesis titles to Why They Like Eggs More Than They Used To? Kathy then mentions how OMGSOMANYPEOPLE have mentioned how creamy and deep golden her eggs look, which

comes from the fact that I purchase pastured local eggs, either from one of our farmer’s markets or from our neighbor who has a girlfriend with chickens. When traveling, I’ve eaten eggs that are most likely from that other kind of chicken, and I can see and taste a huge difference.

Yes, those italics are hers. Kathy says she got her “technique” from Bath Matt,

although he says I don’t use enough butter and stir too much!

Ugh. Okay, Kathy, how do you make your “perfect, fluffy, creamy eggs every time,” or at least every time some of the time since you decided to change the method since last summer, when you were still half-assedly saying you liked them better when you pretended to scramble them IN the pan? (Yes, Gordon Ramsay suggests doing this, AND not adding salt before cooking, but his method also involves chives, crème fraîche, well, professional culinary training and proven knowledge of how to make things people actually find delicious.) Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.44.57 PM

In this part of the video, she says she “always adds a little bit of butter” — into the jar?

She beats “farm-fresh eggs” in a mason jar (because you can put a jar in the dishwasher, while “you have to hand-wash” a bowl, she explains in the video — WTF?) with salt and a tablespoon of water that she says

water helps to steam the eggs, making them fluffy.

Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.34.53 PM Side note: When you Google “scrambled eggs” and “water,” you get a giant list of “How You’re Fucking Up Your Scrambled Eggs.”

From Bon Appétit.

From Bon Appétit.

Next she heats up the made-in-China* “Calphlon” [sic] skillet already helpfully coated with polytetrafluoroethylene (Teflon, which is made with something called perfluorooctanoic acid that’s been “linked to cancer in laboratory animals, and possibly linked to elevated cholesterol, thyroid disease, and reduced fertility in people.” Yummy!). Hey, whatever. As long as Kathy doesn’t have to “go heavy on the butter,” right? This way, she only has to add one tablespoon of butter. After pouring in the eggs, Kathy suggests using

a rubber spatula (a spoonula will work best!) [to] push your eggs around the skillet being careful not to break them apart too much.

(This is the part of the video where she calls Bath Matt out for using a fork in the past, resulting in “stringy” eggs.)

There’s nothing worse to me than stringy bits of egg stirred too heavily with a fork. 

Nothing worse? Really?  Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.29.22 PM         Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.27.40 PM   Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.32.19 PM   Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 11.15.46 PM   It’s cool. We get it. This is the chick who’s said there’s “nothing worse than cold bread in a basket (esp if it’s the dry kind that hurts your mouth)” and “nothing worse than a dry, falling apart bean burger,” among other things. And it’s not like Kathy earns a living by writing things that are supposed to be concise and meaningful and described well. Go on, dear. Tell us about how you’re supposed to keep dabbing about in the pan “until the eggs are allllllmost cooked,” when you take them off so that they

will be done by the time you get a plate. Overcooking eggs makes the proteins constrict and then leak water on the plate – giving your toast and fruit a soggy bath!

(And if anyone knows something about how things should or shouldn’t be cooked, it’s the author of the Sponsored, Then Erased In Shame, Paella Mac & Cheese roux-less recipe.) At the end, ugh, not that Kathy would recommend seasoning things, but, gawd,

If you choose, season with black pepper

Mystery solved! Thank goodness Kathy’s taken on “perfectly scrambled eggs,” because it wasn’t like Julia Child had already done so, not like Martha Stewart’s Director of Food Development had made a video on the process (both methods with eggs properly whisked in a bowl, then cooked on low heat, with no water, pepper added at the same time as the salt). Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.53.04 PM Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.53.31 PM Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.54.22 PM Oh, and at the end of the video, there’s a bonus clip of Kathy side-eyeing Toddler Carbz, who shows up on the scene because he probably knows better about how to cook a damn egg. Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.54.33 PM And Kathy knows it. Wednesday’s post is the first of two sponsored posts Kathy had this last week, the second coming in Friday’s post. Kathy joins the obviously very exclusive ranks of Peanut Butter FingersFitting It All InFitnessistaJ’s Everyday FashionEating Bird FoodCamp PattonTime Flies When You’re Having BabiesCarly MaddoxLush To BlushSimply TaralynnAlways MayleeThe Lean Green BeanTales of Me and the Husband, and Still Being Molly (who the shit are all these people?) in promoting “online boutique” White Plum. Kathy writes:

I have had so much fun stepping out of my fashion comfort zone (aka shorts and a t-shirt) this year …. [White Plum] asked if I’d like to do a giveaway and I couldn’t refuse – I know y’all love clothes!

What did she get to “showcase”? The $40 dress she wore in the (sigh) teaser image for the whatever sponsored wine giveaway she mentioned a few days ago. The dress, which, to its credit, is one piece that’s actually made in the U.S., is named “Sweeter than Taffy” and she says it reminds her of “a candy shop.” It reminds me of poorly made, inspirationless, all-polyester fast fashion that no one will be wearing in a year, but de gustibus non est desputandum. Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 8.51.33 PM She also got a $20 necklace and earrings set that “goes with everything,” a $27 purple shirt that “would look nice with some jeans and heeled boots,” Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 8.46.57 PM Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 8.49.38 PM and a $55 cardigan whose sleeves are totally the right length, about which she said she’d like to, um, “wear it with slim jeans and boots!” I’m sure this will be the beginning of a long and mutually beneficial sponsorship, and that Kathy’s style will become classier with the addition of more “White Plum” pieces. Nah, not really. I give it three free plastic necklaces and garish tops more before they disappear into wherever it is Kathy’s clothes go when we never hear about them again. Thursday’s post is Kathy’s terrible weekly list of what she ate last week, starting with an Instagram video where she shows Toddler Carbz dipping arugula in dressing (made at the bottom of the salad bowl, because who cares if only 5 percent of the salad has dressing on it if you can avoid putting one whole bowl in the dishwasher?) and ignoring his mom as she asks, twice, if it’s good. What irritatingly named things did Kathy hork down recently? • “a typical AB&J” • “Peach and tea on the side!” • “two cakes with drippy nut butter” • “Peach + yogurt bowl with granola” • “chia sprinkles” • Spinach and all the things she would usually put into a bowl of oats, for “when we all woke up too late and I needed something quickly digestible.” • Leftovers from her son’s birthday party, which included a burger, “salady things” and no mentions of freezer-hoarded cupcakes. • Meal-planning service “lamb and feta burger that [she] turned into meatballs (of course!)” • Leftover meatballs Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.37.36 PM • Leftover egg muffins she made from a cookbook about making food for your baby, with “apple slices” because she, too, is an infant. Over on her baby blog, where she did a giveaway for the cookbook, she gives a backhanded compliment to the book’s author, saying Toddler Carbz

loved them! (But he also loves broccoli, eggs and cheese…sooo I picked a good one to try : ) )

• soup, salad, and a fourth of a cookie at a pastry shop for “a working lunch” where she apparently faffed about on Google Calendar: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.26.13 PM • Leftover pasta and chicken in sauce that Bath Matt’s mom brought over and that Kathy had to put broccoli in, because looking a gift meal (from someone who had cancer surgery this summer, no less) in the mouth never stops being classy.   • A $15 beet salad she shared with “Tricia” and $25 scallops over risotto at “Girls Night Out” at this place: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.42.32 PM
• Frozen shrimp not-curry, Greek yogurt, and rice the next night, when Bath Matt was “out,” because there’s nothing better than planning your life so that you get consecutive nights away from the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with. Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.44.21 PM• After feeding her husband and child refried beans, Kathy ate a single, Zorak-looking taco at

another girls’ night after the Monticello event – tacos at a new friend’s house! (I actually only had one – this is Sarah’s plate but it was a lot prettier than mine!)

Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.46.50 PM

Prominently displayed Tory Burch Bombe Reva clutch in magenta (MSRP $350) totally accidentally included in-shot.

• Leftover refried beans and “cheese bites” on a salad

I'm Not A Quesadilla, Not Yet a Lunch

I’m Not A Quesadilla, Not Yet a Lunch

At the end of her post, we learn that Kathy thinks inspiration is just too complicated: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.54.10 PM and she defends the horrific practice of mentioning that someone else ate two tiny tacos when she just had one: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 7.53.36 PM Kathy ends the week with a Friday post sponsored by Mandible or something, which gave her a $130 technology bracelet so that she could finally tell if she was getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, and  doing enough exercise. It also lets her log what she eats, because having her own website dedicated to exactly that for seven years can’t possibly be expected to do the same as well.

ugh jamberry

No, Kathy, it won’t log your fidgeting during “The Survivor” if you attach it to the couch.

Kathy says her

latest fashion accessory …. [is] sleek and stylin’ and helping to keep me on track.

She doesn’t say why the FitBit her friend was lending her didn’t do that, though she says in the comments section she’ll “try” to write a comparison of the two, but — on track with what? Well, “healthy changes” after

a little too much fun this summer …. convinc[ing] [her]self that [she] want[s] more cake, one more drink, to skip [her] workout at 6am.

She then pretends to do graphic design on a bland gym-wall inspiration quote that the Internet unconvincingly says is that of Napoleon Bonaparte: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 6.04.17 PM History major Kathy doesn’t care about finding inspiration from actual historical figures, though, and the quote, as is typical of the ubiquitous genre of Notable Figure as Hand-Wringing Motivational Pageant Contestant, and might as well have come off a GM Nature Valley bar. As Napoleon actually said, “The fool has one great advantage over a man of sense — he is always satisfied with himself.” Anyway, Kathy says wearing her Temporomandibular Joint bracelet is like a high school valedictorian speech made (probably in Shenzhen, China) of thermoplastic polyurethane:

Wearing a fitness tracker is that subtle reminder that your goals are larger than the cake, the happy hour or the extra 20 minuets [sic] in bed.

Kathy says she “need[s]” her new device to remind her of three goals she’s trying to make herself stick to “for the next few weeks,” I guess the amount of time she figures she’ll be able to be interested in her gadget before handing it down to her mom or her toddler. She wants to drink 64 ounces of water a day, log 10,000 steps (instead of her currently inadequate 8,000 steps, which is about 4 miles), and sleep 8.5 hours every night, which she hasn’t been able to because of her inconvenient 2-year-old:

I used to get in bed at 9:30 in anticipation of a 5:45am wake up, but now that he’s sleeping closer to 7 or 7:30, I have pushed my bedtime back to 10:30 or 11.

Not that anyone in her comments section can relate with that, leading to a lot of head-scratching followed by Kathy stomping in to talk about how hard it was to drive to her job as a public relations assistant account executive for 13.5 months from 2006 to 2008, her six-month RD internship in the first half of 2010, and the first six months after she gave birth in September, 2012: Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 6.58.59 PM Even if her meany-jerk readers don’t understand, all these horrible aspects of Kathy’s life have apparently combined to turn Kathy into a disheveled, chip-eating Johnny Depp in “Secret Windows.” She ends the post by telling her readers that they really need to step up as well and join her rubber bracelet in helping to lose weight:

I really could use your encouragement – my 31-year-old mom self isn’t as motivated as I once was at 25!

*Something Kathy’s never given 1/26th of a shit about, even bragging, in 2009 and 2010, about her “knock-off $120 Longchamps [sic] that my college roomie’s mom [probably Meredith's mom, a flight attendant for United who brought them wedding accessories] brought back from China :)”  Screen Shot 2014-09-28 at 10.02.32 PM

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