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KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 382

Thursday’s entry is a day-in-the-life post that has very little to do with Kathy eating Real Food and a whole lot to do with her being awesome despite the most fiendish efforts of Carbz, the world’s most inconvenient toddler.

Our day started at 7:30am – an excellent time!! Much better than the 6:15s and 6:45s of yesteryear.

By her own admission, Kathy is asleep at 10:30 p.m. every night. This means she is literally sleeping as much as a sloth.

You took these home from the reunion? GAG.

After an ominous picture of Carbz, seemingly shot through Metal Gear Solid thermal goggles —

— Kathy calls him “my love!” and reports they “padded” to the cookin’ room, where her child

played with a fly while I made him some oatmeal.

Katherine, what I said was that I’m trying to balance this fly wheel off Jasper’s ’31 Model A.

She and her child then apparently

shared a few swigs

of orange juice from a new sponsor, she fed him oatmeal, and prepared what she calls a “yogurt and fruit bowl” with “blueberry lemon buckwheat” fakery granola and “sunbutter.”

I’m sure it tasted wonderful, eaten out of what appears to be a glass bedpan —

— with what’s surely some sort of odious, cloying, oversweet, pumpkin-scented candle in the background.

Kathy washed the dishes, “snuggled” with her child, “played firetruck” and then took a photo of him wearing nothing but a diaper and his mother’s bright pink running shoes. Another diaper-only photo shows him “playing tent” in her bed, which she said she did while she showered, slathered on her patented blend of $70 Dior eye cream and drugstore makeup named after sweet foods, and got dressed in never-folded clothing.

Needing to turn in “some forms,” they drove to Carbz’s “preschool” and looked at a playground firetruck. Kathy reported that her child said “preschool” a bunch on the way over, and one can only hope that she didn’t force him to curb his glee by saying “banana” instead.

We finally see a glimpse of Kathy’s wrist, even though she’s felt totally comfortable posting three photos of her child in pajamas and two in his diaper — and it’s not even noon.

Someone said she’s wearing an exercise monitor, but I think it might be an electronic monitor while she serves out her sentence for indecency against jambalaya, a Class Six Felony in Virginia*.

They used some free day passes to her gym’s water park, and headed there

After our appt

Why can’t she write out “appointment”? Maybe for the same reason she can’t justify the

additional cost

to join the water park until next year — if she holds out, some wonderful company might come along to pay her to do it! This full sentence not containing the word bleubs was brought to you by Cascadian Farm.

Apparently, this is what regular membership to ACAC cost per year in 2013, minus “full” access to stuff like the waterpark:

Not that it’s my money or anything, but I’d enjoy water slides way more than half hours of fearing your skeleton was going to be crushed in a personal training session. But maybe foregoing

a FENCED IN spray park and baby pool, but there’s a huge water slide, a young kids’ pool, a huuuuuge lap pool, diving boards, a giant sandbox with toys, and a nice snack bar.

is all part of


But let’s not talk about hard times, shall we? Not when Kathy has the rest of her day of new things to talk about! New things like a $38 mesh bag

Shout out to my new pool + beach bag. I hunted the internet and stores high and low for the ideal beach tote. I found this Whale tote by Saltwater Canvas and knew it was the one! …. I was in love.

Thank goodness for bags for her to be “in love” with, because Kathy was certainly not in love with the way her child ate the food she brought after swimming for two hours. Her Plate of Gallant contained this and

2 more of those great sandwich quarters and more apples!

But Goofus’s plate?

Ugh. He was not into food today and just wanted chips! He also ate a AB&J sandwich quarter and a veggie pouch.

They returned home so she could deposit Toddler Carbz in his crib for his three-hour nap and focus on the $75 Joan Vass perfume and $48 sunscreen she bought herself


She took photos of the one wall of board and batten she and Bath Matt did last week (which, alas, has not prompted the invitation to be BFFs with the Young House Love people who posted the instructions for the project in the first place) and then “hit the computer.” She blogged,

edited my house photos, answered about 25 emails (as quickly as possible!), approved comments, finished some paperwork in my inbox, replied to a wedding invitation, folded towels, and wrote the welcome letter for my first Quarterly box! A great naptime success.

Once her child woke up, the two

had snacks together.

She made him crackers with almond butter and made herself potatoes with yogurt and new sponsored salt (from that “handy” pouch that looks so very “cute” here) before heading out to the last soccer game of the summer,

which is bittersweet because I’m going to miss it until the fall season starts but awesome because I have an epic blister on my heel that needs rest. Duct tape did NOT work!!

Oh shut up. Registration for the fall season opens MONDAY and the first game is in less than two months. Use your duct tape and pull yourself together. You think you have the right to complain? We just had to look at another photo of your ground down flip flops, your toenails, and your injured feet, Kathy.

Whatever, though. Tell us about the soccer.

Our game was fun because a handful of my girlfriends came to cheer us on!!

None of them wanted their damn faces on your blog, though. Let’s look at some photos Bath Matt took of you red and sweaty during halftime:

I guess I was angry we weren’t winning here!

And here I must have been doing the robot…lol

They tied 3 to 3, and Kathy needed something to help her relax from all her hard work not helping her team win.

I know it’s probably not best to drink beer right after 70 minutes of hard running, but beer is what I crave : ) 12 oz glass for replenishment.

While she sat back and got hungry, her inconvenient husband made her dinner.

On soccer game nights we plan easy dinners since I get home after 7. Tonight we had leftover Cook Smarts risotto that Matt turned into risotto cakes. He made it more complicated than it needed to be but for the better!

After all that complicated work, she just went and half-melted cheese on it anyway.

Allowing her the double whammy of being able to complain about her husband’s cooking and her child’s hunger again:

Somebody stole half my melted cheese!

Still completely light out, they threw pillows at each other on the porch, calling it

pillow games

and then put Toddler Carbz into the bathtub, where he had to figure out why his mom was drawing upside-down shark submarines, narwhal-buses, and one-hitters on the tiles:

It’s amazing that Mazen could recognize the figures…firetruck, airplane, bus, helicopter, bike…

Katherine, this is the worst exploded diagram of an Edsel master cylinder I’ve ever seen.

She and Bath Matt then apparently read to and sang to their child before Kathy

crashed hard on the couch with Wednesday night’s So You Think You Can Dance!! Love that show. A little Breyers Vanilla ice cream to go with it!

No word on where her husband disappeared to; perhaps somewhere to continue being “on hold,” judging from this melodramatic quote from a recent C-Ville Weekly article about construction near the fakery:

Things aren’t any better for La Linea Bella! framing shop or for Great Harvest Bread Co. The owners of both businesses report sales have plummeted by 40 percent since road construction began.


“The saddest part for me is I’m essentially being asked to put my life and my business on hold while the whole project goes on,” said Matt Monson, owner of Great Harvest, who notes that the construction inspector for the project’s engineering firm, Rummel, Klepper & Kahl, told him the heaviest construction—and worst traffic impact—is ahead of schedule but still won’t be done before the end of the year. In the meantime, Monson has had to increase the catering portion of his business in an effort to offset his losses.

Way to have a positive, optimistic, can-do attitude about circumstances you didn’t foresee, preparation you didn’t participate in, and a project that you can do nothing to halt or change, Monson. Here’s so i married a dog strangler‘s detailed list of concrete things you could start doing tomorrow — go in person to local restaurants and give them a pathos-based pitch for a competitively priced product that comes with some connection to the community, have Kathy put on a brave face and deliver cookies and shit to local companies to drum up more business, and start offering deep discounts to bring in the foot traffic.

Notice what’s not on there? Turning down a chance to spin challenge into compelling, free advertising and, instead, using free time with the press to bitch and moan and sound unpleasant.

It might also help to update your Facebook page more than once a month, sporty shorty.

* They take a harsher view on it in Louisiana, where it’s an FBI UCR-classified Part 1 Violent Offense punishable by banishment to San Bernadino.