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KERF Recaps, Day 762: Kathy Schedules Some Posts For Her Last Pre-Pregnancy-Get-Drunk-Try-To-Look-Cute-In-Photos Vacation

There’s a week of wine country to get through. (Damn it, Conchshell!) Fasten your wine goggles and buckle in to your five-point cat hair harnesses, hams. It’s going to be a frumpy night. First, let’s dispatch the two posts she scheduled to go up while she was nibbling and sipping her way through wine country in subscription clothing. The first is a phoned-in snooze about granola bars:

Remember the days of the blog world when there was a new bar out every week? Remember those big plank bars I used to eat?

No. Fucking no. Why would we remember that? Who keeps that kind of information in their head?

I probably tried 100 different bars in 2009!

Kathy, your memories are crap. Go on, though, as I’m sure you can turn a discussion about bars into a way to make fun of your tiny child:

Mazen thinks [mini Lara bars] are cookies!

The first bar Kathy talks about is the “Simple” bar, which retails at $2.25 plus shipping, sent to her from Alabama for free from

a friend of a friend of mine who also happens to be a blog reader!

Kathy dutifully summarizes the product information found on the website of “marathoner and mom” Erica, who does the thing where she talks about how making healthy food is more important for her “as a new mom” (Erica’s words) and how utterly healthy she is:

Everything I’ve ever done has sort of revolved around food! Thankfully, I have balanced that lifelong love of food with an obsession for fitness, especially distance running.

Yikes. Anyway, Kathy eats her free snacks and writes about it:

Taste test? They are delicious!! Kind of like a Larabar with big chunks of nuts. Of course the Chocolate Peanut Butter was my favorite.

Screen Shot 2014-09-07 at 4.46.31 PM The second “bar” Kathy reviews is a line called Speedie B’s that’s made in Charlottesville. Kathy says they are “awesome” and that she

bought – guess which one – the Chocolate Peanut Butter. It was incredible and I Instagrammed it during a car trip.

The chick who makes them sent Kathy all the flavors of them, Kathy reports, after she

saw the ‘gram  

Anyway, Kathy reports that they are

all great!!

because they’re

chewy with lots of chia seeds for crunch. I love the addition of oats too – they are super doughy!

Screen Shot 2014-09-07 at 5.13.36 PM The next free bars she was sent are “Slow Bars.” I know their creators were trying to go for a connection to “slow food” or something, but really, thinking about the way misguided career counselors used to refer to kids in remedial English doesn’t really make me want to buy snacks. I’ll think about this instead: Kathy is overwhelmed by how unlike dessert these bars are, calling them

super savory …. And when I say savory I don’t mean dates with a little veggies mixed in…I mean S.A.V.O.R.Y. I can’t really say these bars are my favorite, but I do love the concept! They are made with real food – dehydrated veggies, seeds, dried fruit and spices. Lots of spices!

And we all know how much Queen Kathy, Kingdom of 1/4 Teaspoon Dried Spice Servings For Dishes For Six People, loves spices. Which is to say, she took a bite of all four, said one was her “fav,” and dismissed the line by calling it

wild for your taste buds …. [without] a sugar high

The last bar review is about those “Fannetastic” bars that Kathy’s been making without nuts so that her child can go to

preschool (and our gym’s daycare)

She reports that she individually wraps and freezes said bars and that Toddler Carbz, whose tastes are desperately less wonderful than hers,

thinks they are cookies! I absolutely love the chunks of baked apple.


But, eager to jet off to whine country, Kathy links to three other slabs of nuts she’s eaten and pretends to ask her readers what their “favorite bar these days” is. Kathy, do you even know what a bar is? This is a bar (edit: well, as finestwinesavailabletohumanity points out, it’s a cafe, but I’ve been known to confuse plenty of reputable places of business with bars):

Tuesday’s post is a guest post from another registered dietician, Kayla Womeldorff, who, in her own words, is

one of four registered dietitians working for Harmons, a small, family owned grocery store chain with 16 stores in Utah.

Womeldorff describes what she does in her job (helping shoppers find healthy food, individual nutrition counseling, store tours and workshops, specialized work with her store’s departments, educating employees about nutrition,  and marketing) and talks about what she suggests people should eat more of: yogurt, nut butter, salad dressing and “nutrition bars” that aren’t loaded with sugar and other crap, and she recommends people use a little more critical thinking about seemingly healthy sweeteners, reminding readers that they are all basically “empty calories.” Well done, Guest RD Womeldorff. Well fucking done. On Wednesday, Kathy starts her posts about her OMGamazing vacation, which could be honestly summed up like this:


You may have gotten wine wind that we were in Sonoma last week!

Kathy rehashes how she and omghusband Bath Matt honeymooned there, took an anniversary trip there three years later, and got totally prevented from going there for another vacation by the inconvenient child they decided to have and the reticence of Kathy’s parents to drop everyfuckingthing on her demand:

Matt and I have been planning a return trip for 2 years and 9 months. We always hoped that when Mazen was old enough to stay with his grandparents (and when they were willing to care for him for a solid 5 days!) we would plan a trip back.

That’s not the end of Kathy’s list of how much she deserves a vacation in Sonoma, either. She wants to be charitable to her poor little sister Laura and Laura’s husband,

who had never spent more than a day in Sonoma before.

The two couples rented a house with “2 masters” i.chzbgr

a great kitchen, bikes, a hot tub and was walking distance from the Sonoma Plaza. We would definitely rent it again! It was recently renovated and the décor was gorgeous.

In the subsequent entries, padded with deadening detail about what time she and Bath Matt arrived, how they rented a car and made various stops to obtain groceries, Kathy makes her most effort to describe how cultured and influential and smart she thinks she is. At Scoma’s Sausalito, the insufferable bunch, clamoring for wine — which apparently is impossible to obtain in Virginia?

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 3.07.45 AM

DRAANNK

jumped right into vacation mode and ordered a bottle of Matanzas Creek Chard – a winery I visited on a previous trip!

“I don’t approve, and neither does the Beta vulgaris subsp. cicla.”

Our tiny, delicate, health-conscious heroine even consented to eat a sandwich, fries, and mussels,

broth and all!

Martyr Kathy then consented to stop at the Lagunitas Brewing Company, where, even though her sister was the “DD,” Kathy only wanted “a few sips” of beer and allowed her husband and brother-in-law the ridiculous indulgence of a tasting flight (which, as far as I can tell, is 8 pints for $11). Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 3.08.35 AM The whole thing, abstemious Kathy reports, was

Matt’s idea of heaven!

Matt brought a bottle of his home-brewed Brown Shugga to share with the staff.

They may have just been being nice, but in my opinion they were really impressed! Most said it was a near-perfect clone.

No, Kathy. I’m sure it was exactly as she describes. (Also, ugh, they really do spell it that way.) I bet everyone was totally impressed and missed Bath Matt and his charismatic entourage so much as soon as they left and the Lagunitas top dogs have been in heated late-night discussions since then to try and figure out how they could possibly lure Charlottesville’s answer to Tequiza away from his gig baking unsalted bread bunnies to come and invent the best beers ever for them. Anyway, being spontaneous, awesome young things, the couples had joined a few wine clubs before going on their trips. Kathy doesn’t tell her readers which clubs she joined, or how to go about that process, but is happy to report that, whatever she did, she “got free tastings” and some 10% discounts on purchases of wine and food. Kathy reported that they

calculated joining saved us more than $200 – and we loved the wines we tasted at all 3 places! (Plus there were more if you had more time.)

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 3.09.54 AM After a nice workout of patting themselves on the back, they went to Whole Foods for

breakfast supplies and hydration necessities

before going to dinner at some place Kathy had eaten before,

The Girl and the Fig of course!

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 3.10.47 AM

Sadly they have changed the sign so my traditional headshot wasn’t be [sic] the same : (

Oprah was on the cover of every issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, and even she is giving you the side-eye, Kathy. Also, “wasn’t be”? Someone underestimated her hydration necessities.

Devastated by the change in signage over the last seven years, Kathy had a “juicy” selection of tiny wines, noted that everyone else “got cocktails,” and listed what she ate: cheese, figs, fish, and two shared desserts:

Needless to say we were full and happy when we left!!

And by happy, I’m just going to read “turnt.” She leaves her audience with the image of her and Bath Matt and her sister and her sister’s husband being drunk and jet-lagged in a hot tub, which is awesome, and, by awesome, I mean utterly repugnant. Unfortunately, their horrible trip of indolent idiocy had several more installments with which to drag on. Steel yourselves, my darlings.

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