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KERF Recaps: Kathy Enjoys Bro-Country and Feeds Her Guests Leftover Ice Cream Scrapings

Monday’s post is about how great Kathy’s weekend was, as usual. She went to a concert!

The highlight of my weekend was most definitely the Florida Georgia Line concert!

Oh, okay. Cool. I’m not familiar with the duo, because they seem like a pair of insensitive, smirking asses, but at least it’s not some pseudo-virtue night of jumping jacks and shit wine out of plastic glasses under the guise of virtuefun at the expensive gym. Tell us what you liked about the concert, Kathy:

I just love country music. Rather than trucks and fields (which do take me back to high school), country brings out feelings of small towns for me. Relationships, parties with friends, and living life in the moment – soaking up sunshine, the lake, or a good beer.

Wait…. huh?

What? What does any of that mean? Let’s take a closer look. Kathy starts out saying she loves country music. This is up for debate, but let’s accept her premise. Okay, continue. Kathy says that the country genre “brings out feelings of small towns” for her, rather than evoking “trucks and fields,” even though, on a tangential note, both the concept of trucks and that of fields do conjure up thoughts of high school. To explain the difference, I think she lists “Relationships, parties with friends, and living life in the moment – soaking up sunshine, the lake, or a good beer.” In conclusion…. no, I have no fucking clue why “trucks and fields” have everything to do with high school and nothing to do with relationships, parties, sunshine, lakes, and “good beer,” while “small towns” have everything to do with those things.

Exactly, Nelson.

In any convoluted case, Kathy says that the group is “one of [her] favorite bands!” even though Bath Matt makes fun of her by sending her links that point out how generic and tired their shit is. (Thanks, Bath Matt. What the fuck do you listen to? Gruit-core?)

In the lead-up to bro country evening, Kathy says she, herself at least partially participated in feeding her family:

….I made stuffed shells. This recipe was a wing-it success! We stuffed the shells (after they were boiled) with ground beef, sun-dried tomatoes, Parmesan, frozen spinach and basically all the ingredients in this meatball recipe.

No shit, Kathy? I totally thought there was a method of stuffing meat into DRIED PASTA. Also, the meatball recipe she links to is her own, where you use 1 pound ground beef, 10 ounces frozen spinach, 1/3 cup of sun-dried tomatoes in oil, 1 cup panko, 1/2 grated cheese, 2 eggs, salt, pepper, and the world’s smallest teaspoon of garlic powder. How are Kathy’s meatballs? Let’s ask Sponsored Thanksgiving, who made them. Or, you can take Kathy’s unreliable word:

 

With sauce poured on top, they turned out great!

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The red meat must have come out because poor, long-suffering, jambalaya-making Jeff, came over for dinner. He had to bring salad.

They also ate ice cream.

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Kathy says it’s “worth noting” that they split only half a cup of ice cream scraped from the bottom of two containers and that hers was the really nice custom-made one, which I’m sure she felt rich generosity for giving away because it was her special snowflake stash, when she should have realized she was being a gross miser because who the fuck gets stingy about ice cream? This isn’t Little House in the Big Woods, where obtaining sugar is a perilous journey through panthery woods to obtain gingham and rock candy.

The PB Cup was Karen’s and it ended up in our freezer when she moved – yum!

Guess what, Kathy? Not worth noting. Also? Don’t give your fucking guests ice cream from almost four months ago. That’s disgusting. Go to the store and get fresh stuff, and get more than a pint, so that your guests can have as much as they want. If it’s even possible that your guests might want more of anything and you’re not making it available for them, it’s not hospitality, you stingy bint.

On Saturday, Kathy and her child ate oats, and then went to fancy gym, and then left fancy gym so they could run six miles.

Post-baby PR baby! We ran quite slow (per Nelle’s 13 miler training plan) and I felt good for most of the run. It wore me out for the rest of the day though!

Oh, look at you, Kathy, graciously accommodating Nelle’s speed. We know you would totally run faster if it weren’t for her, wouldn’t you?

After the run, she had

After Mazen and I got home, I proceeded to eat All The Chips. But I paired them with a healthy sardine salad. It’s been my post-run craving these past few weeks!

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Kathy trying to wedge Hyperbole and a Half into her blog is as awkward as when she wears that band-leader jacket.

Kathy then went back out and took her child to the children’s museum and then went back home “for nap.”

When she woke up, she was ready to go to the concert, so she put two ounces of wine in a glass and set it on her bathroom shelf and took a picture and posted it on Instagram. Or, as she calls it, she engaged in

A little pregaming!

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She and her four friends went to something called the Sedona Taphouse for an “awesome” dinner of wine, “a nice salad,” and a “pretty darn awesome!!” main dish:

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The five pre-gamed, bro-countried ladies then ate chocolate cake with ketchup, I guess —

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— but Kathy had the tiniest portion of all:

Just two bites – perfect!

How was the concert? Well, Thomas Rhett opened:

love him!

Then, the main act played, and Florida Georgia Line was

awesome. Love their style!

I think Kathy would fall down blue on the floor if she’d had to write this entry without using the words “awesome” and “love.” She then posts this photo:

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Kathy’s caption: “Blondes like to have fun!!”

Get your shine on!

I don’t know what that means and I refuse to look it up.

Next, she posts this photo:

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With the caption, “Guess it’s pretty clear everyone has a smart phone these days ; )”

Yes, because “smart phones” are the only ones with light-up displays. And yeah, wow, Kathy, even the poors who shop at PetSmart and don’t go to happy hour gym and who don’t have NERD on their license plates are capable of obtaining the same technology.

Kathy was out “very late,” so Bath Matt brought her pancakes with chocolate peanut butter on top in bed. She was awake at 7, though, so that probably means she didn’t get to bed until 10:27 p.m.

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Swinging back to penitent and healthy from her supposedly wild night of fun and wine, Kathy says she did “work around the house” on Sunday, finished assembling her $500 of particle board —

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— ate soup and kombucha, went grocery shopping at Whole Foods, and served her family

Garlicky kale + catfish + veggies + the last of an open bottle of vino.

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She ends by saying something else I don’t wish to know the meaning of:

Hope y’all had shining weekends too!

freiza
Tuesday brings with it Kathy’s tentative venturing into the world of shorter posts about what-the-fuck-ever. The neighbors who have the baby and the chickens came over on Monday, and Kathy was excited about it because it was an excuse for chocolate, shortbread, and alcohol:

Company always makes for a fun Monday : ) What normally would be a boring night turns into a celebration with wine and dessert!

She left the boxes out from that diaper-change-crafts hutch monstrosity, so at least Toddler Carbz and Neighbor Girl had something to play with aside from rusty baskets of rubber ducks from Grandma Buzz’s attic.

The pop-up ads on Kathy's site are now literally working to protect the privacy of her child and her child's friends, at least.

The pop-up ads on Kathy’s site are now literally working to protect the privacy of her child and her child’s friends, at least.

Who cares that the instruction manual says to wash all the dust and crud off of all the 260 pieces of the hutch after taking them out of the boxes? If Toddler Carbz can handle a little yellow spray paint and chardonnay in utero, mystery dust and petrochemical smoke from picturesque Guangdong* is nothing.

I am really sorry for my shitty Google Translated Chinese. It's supposed to say "Are you supposed to change diapers on this shelf? How idiotic."

I am really sorry for my shitty Google Translated Chinese. It’s supposed to say “Are you supposed to change diapers on this shelf? How idiotic.”

While the children were playing in, I don’t know, the perfect flow of aerosolized melamine or whatever, Kathy “and” Bath Matt made meal-planning-service dinner:

….chicken thighs with rice (which I pesto-fied instead of pilafed) and cabbage. The cabbage was a lovely delicious surprise with great garlicky flavor! Cook Smarts recommended lemon and greek yogurt, and they were great additions to the meal.

Why is Poison Ivy's bra on the table?

WHY IS POISON IVY‘S PUSH-UP BRA LITERALLY ON THE TABLE.

I’m guessing that “pesto-fied” means she plunked a frozen cube of pesto from 2013 onto the rice instead of using the obvious onion that would have been required for rice pilaf, but leave it to Kathy La Misteriosa to not explain any of that. She then decides to tell us both how fancy she was on Tuesday morning and what an inconvenience her child is, by saying they

dined on scrambled eggs (which he requested and then wouldn’t touch)

I would rather have whatever the "Pub Diet" from Crapplebee's than whatever made that bread look like carbception.

I would rather have whatever the “Pub Diet” from Crapplebee’s is than whatever made that bread look like carbception.

In addition to recording, for posterity, yet another time when she’s decided to see something her 2-year-old son has done as inconvenient, Kathy capitalizes “Pomegranate,” which is dumb because she always says “greek yogurt” and “french toast” and the shift key exists for a reason. However, overall, this new format where she talks about whatever for a few paragraphs is as bracing as a cold smoothie in a bowl tipped over one’s head, to which I offer a sincerely slow-clapping thank you to Our Kerfiness. The emoticons and exclamation points are still freaking everywhere, but trying not to treat every day’s entry like it’s a fucking book report on The Andromeda Strain, and forcing Guest RDs and endless lists of everything she ate in a given week has put a magazine-walking pep in Kathy’s written step and a Bare Minerals glow on her selfied cheeks. Or maybe I just like being able to recap shorter posts.

*No, I have no idea where in China that ugly hutch in which her stupid cheese box does not fit perfectly was manufactured.


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KERF Recaps: Kathy Lets Her Husband Have A Birthday, Sorta, Registers for a Race, Maybe, And Her Sister Closes Her Blog, But Opens A New One

Last Thursday’s post is about what an amazing effort Kathy, the impromptu newscaster, put in for her husband’s birthday:

We are live from Charlottesville this morning!!

How did Kathy make Bath Matt’s 32nd birthday so “smashing”? First, she “showered” him with a bounty of presents:

….new shirts from GAP with breakfast along with celebratory French toast – topped with coconut butter “frosting” and sprinkles!

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Our favorite weather girl also announced Charlottesville’s first “snow dusting,” which she said was “quite exciting.” Bursting with the thrill of it all, she went to the gym for “workout and play time” before heading to the fakery to eat a free salad and a free slice of something called “Raspberry Swirl —

MY FAV!

That evening, after Bath Matt got home from his full day working at the fakery, “a playmate … aka a babysitter” took care of Toddler Carbz so that Kathy and Bath Matt could go to a Wednesday-night beer tasting at Market St. Wine Shop. Somehow, she managed to not describe this as a variation on the word “play,” although she did caption a photo of her husband “Beer Nerd,” some term to which they aspire, and said they brought one of their latest California wine trip bottles of wine

Yummy Roth Pinot!

to the C&O restaurant, where she didn’t have to cook or clean a damn thing.

Do tell us, food blogger, about the bread:

GAH! Like a doughy pretzel with that salt crust on top!

Let’s continue. How did Bath Matt enjoy his birthday meal?

Matt got pick of the menu and chose a cheese plate as an appetizer.

Wait, that’s something worth noting? That he was able to pick his own order? Is he a child? Actually, scratch that. Even children — especially on their birthdays — can generally pick what they want to eat, right?

It’s especially dumb to be royally handing out menu pardons when Queen KERF can’t even describe the food that came to the table in an adult fashion:

For entrees I had the sea bass with mushrooms and root veggie puree. Pea shoots on top! Delicious.

Matt had duck, his favorite, with a sweet potato + blue cheese layer stack that was awesome.

We also ordered a side of butternut squash with crispy sage – divine!

So, someone who makes her living writing about food just described two dinners by saying they were “delicious,” “awesome,” and “divine,” and that one of the ingredients was “crispy”? I’ve gotten hungrier reading Cheez-It coupons*.

The dessert:

And finally…the warm chocolate tart with peanut butter ice cream. Matt likes to say that he doesn’t really care for dessert, but he proclaimed this the best dessert he had ever had!! Good timing for his birthday ; )

How nice that a grown-ass man was allowed to choose his own meal for his own damn birthday.

Kathy posted a second entry on Thursday by accident, saying she “pushed publish too soon.” This one was about how she registered for that 10-mile race she was dithering about a few weeks ago. Her reaction?

Yay!!

and

YIKES!

Oh, why’s that, dear?

Well, it has to do with a lack of, ahem, forests near Kathy’s neighborhood:

I haven’t been in a good running grove [sic] since…2011 maybe?

Back in the day I used to run outside a lot, and consistently 6 miles or so at a time. Once time I did 8 for fun (imagine that!) I used to sign up for races more often, and my greatest distance was the Racefest Half Marathon in Charlotte (at an 8:41 pace!)

Why won’t that happen now? Well, her absurdly geriatric age of 32 means she’s “older,” and she’s supposedly interested only in training “for the fun of it!”

 I don’t believe that, but maybe it’s true. She says she runs 4 miles in one burst every week, or maybe 5 miles — which she can do in 48 minutes — but that 10 miles shouldn’t be too hard:

I’m sure I could run them tomorrow if I needed to.

She complains that the cold has been holding back her running times, but that she’s on track with a training plan she’s “discussed” with a friend called Nelle, described as “a speed demon runner.”

Who’s Nelle? Well, Nelle had her kid about half a year before Kathy had Toddler Carbz. Here she is with her newborn child and with Charlottesville’s top inspiration for hair, makeup, and taco-eating, last Halloween:

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Kathy says she would like to run three times a week, but her kid is not going to make that “feasible,” so she wants to do a weekly 3-mile run indoors at her gym and a weekly 4-mile run outdoors.

Well, only if Bath Matt can change his work schedule to accommodate her, since her gym won’t allow her to drop her child off so she can prance around the streets of Charlottesville

….and it’s too cold/dark to run outside with him this time of year. I’m also going to have to plan around soccer games. I shouldn’t run the day after a game because my legs are usually really sore, and our games come and go on random days.

She also says that she’ll be aiming for a time of an hour and 45 minutes, since her top speed for a 10-mile course was 90 minutes, pre-Inconvenient Toddler:

Maybe it’s a little too easy of a goal, but again, this is for fun! I have a handful of friends who are also running it, so we’re hoping to do some of the training runs together.

Kathy’s also given herself a perk: a new pair of running shoes. She’s “dusted off” her Garmin — as well as some photos of herself from more than half a decade ago —

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From 2010, when she described coffee as her “ergogenic aid and laxative ;)” so that she could let her readers know she had taken a shit — or, in her words, was “totally digested and ready to go” — by whatever time.

— and her Camelbak Charm, so that she can “do another batch of [her] homemade sports drink”:

This time of year though, I hope the water doesn’t freeze in the tube! I’ll probably do another batch of my homemade sports drink for the longer runs since that worked so well last time.

She ends the post by asking for “suggestions from any hard-core runners out there!” There are a couple recommendations that she join the Charlottesville Track Club’s program that’s specifically geared towards training for the 10-miler —

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— mixed in with some general encouragement and some Who Cares, Just Go Have Fun sentiment. Look, Kathy — there are things where I, too, talk about wanting to throw up (as she used to do) that end up being fun, but they’re generally confined to roller-coasters. And I don’t have to tell anyone about what I do in the bathroom.

 Kathy posted a sixth weekly post on Friday, thanking her readers for “all the wonderfully nice comments” on her post about returning to a more informal, less informational format for her blog:

I am loving bringing back these little chatty posts!

Friday’s post is about how she had toast, orange, coffee, and a smoothie for breakfast, creating what she calls “Breakfast time chaos”:
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Gosh, yes. Look at that. A blender, a bottle of milk, a banana peel, a mug, a yogurt lid, the blender lid, and a plastic container of salad?
Good thing she has her blue Camelback water bottle — just looking at that “chaos” makes me dehydrated.
The smoothie contained spinach, banana, peanut butter, milk, and, to “make it epic,” oats. She writes that’s she’s returning to the $500 Vitamix Culinary Institute of America Professional Series blender the company gave her in 2010:

I am also back using my Vita-mix full time. I decided that I like having less parts and it sure does make a fluffy smoothie.

To conclude the entry, she says she’s “taking the day off of the gym due to a morning meeting,” switches to weather-girl mode —

We have a sunny day on tap, and it should be a little warmer than usual, so M and I are hoping to meet up with some friends for a playdate.

— and comment-baits for people (“y’all”) to tell her their “big” weekend plans, so that she can get the occasional 50 or 70 comments instead of 30.

As for Kathy’s weekend plans? She went to the Florida Georgia Line concert with Sarah (the one who ate two tacos that one time, when Kathy only ate one).

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I was unfamiliar with “Florida Georgia Line” being anything more than something one crossed while driving up and down the East Coast on I-95, but Wikipedia describes their style of music as “bro-country.”

Ripped denim, crosses, mirrored sunglasses, stuff with the Confederate flag on it, tattoos, dog tags, tractor tires, pickup trucks, and railroad ties.

 Why are they sitting like that? Do they need donut pillows?

We end by saying goodbye, this week, to Kathy’s sister’s blog, “Taking Back My Twenties.”

Larbs apparently found her twenties. This whole time, it turns out they were under that Guanaja Chocolate Coulant Daniel Boulud made at the Speiser-Skipper wedding. Who knew?

Well, more accurately, Larbs said that she finally realized she “was in denial about being an adult” when she started her first blog in 2010.

You think?

From 2011:

I’m so mentally ready for spring break next week. And then I remembered I probably will never get a spring break again. Sad. I was telling an older woman at work about my blog today and used the term quarter life crisis, and she said ‘quarter life crisis....ha, get a life.’ I can’t decide if her response was mean or if I deserve that reaction…

More from 2011:

You see, I’m not adjusting well to working 9 hour days and I’m totally wishing away the weeks (something I vowed not to do). As you know from my almost daily complaints, I’m tired and never feel like doing much (despite 8+ hours). I’m just assuming this is a normal part of the transition to full-time work? I don’t know how people can spend so many waking hours in an office and feel fulfilled. I went to regular spinning today (I’ve been doing SYNC Cycle), and during an awesome song, I realized I haven’t felt energized or inspired by exercise in weeks. …. I just dream of the summer or a time when I’ll be free to just be. But with only ten days off a year, there is no extended time to just be. And that feeling is suffocating. I keep thinking to myself I miss my life -it’s been taken away from me, and I need to take it back! …. the idea that I have to spend an hour preparing for the next work day and get in bed at 9:30 haunts me.

From 2012:

Since graduation I feel like, as an adult, I’m supposed to just work, exercise, eat healthy meals, and save money during the week. I think the thing I miss most about college is the feeling that the only thing I’m really supposed to be doing is learning. Anyway, I got home from work and decided to protest being an adult. I skipped my workout, ate cookies that arrived in the mail (thanks to Matt’s mom!!), fell asleep on the couch at 5 o’clock, avoided my to-do list with five episodes of House Hunters, and ate cereal for dinner.

When she started the blog, she writes in her I Found Them They Were Under The Long Layer Of My High-Low Hem Dress This Whole Time post, she longed for college. Then, life “seemed easy” —

….Aside from attending classes and completing homework assignments, there was time to exercise outdoors, eat lunch with friends, participate in clubs, volunteer or work off-campus, watch TV, play on the internet, go shopping, party, or (my personal favorite) just sit around and enjoy the company of interesting people. Because of this, I was very very sad to have to leave the college community and enter the real world.

Yes, I’m sure it was a veritable Algonquin Round Table at Davidson, Larbsie, where the conversation sparkled with stories about how you caught your future husband’s eye with your retainer.

While that still sounds nice “sometimes,” Larbs writes,

….I realized I no longer needed to be like a younger version of myself to be happy….I have so many things going for me that I didn’t in my mid-twenties – a job I’ve always dreamed of, financial independence, a loving husband, and now a house of my own. II’ll [sic] be turning 30 this year, and if this is what 30 looks like, then I’ll take it!

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 Being a natural blonde is really and truly one of the least exciting things that can happen to you in life.

The next paragraph is like a deconstructed burrito bowl of Shit Larbs’s Sister Will Never Say:

To my faithful readers, I’m sorry that my content has suffered over the past year. I should have written this post a long time ago. I still very much enjoy blogging, and I’ve loved being part of the blogging community. Selfishly, I also cherish this space as an online journal. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more private and you’ve probably noticed that my writing has focused primarily on food, travel, and more food.

While it’s not Larbs found the Ebola vaccine in between her marscapone ice cream and blue cheese grits or anything — and those actually sound pretty fucking delicious — her ability to take an even slightly mature and critical look at the purpose of maintaining a diary in public for a specific purpose is laudable in comparison to her older sister’s increasingly stunted schtick. It’s also laudable once you reach the comments at the end of her post:

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Because, holy shit. Larbs’ mother and her older sister seem to wish they, themselves, could cling to their own idealized “twenties” — the exact idealization Larbs realized was sad and limiting, rather than gleeful and girlish.

No, Larbs, they seem to say. Don’t let go. You said you’d never let go. Come back to your twenties. You can eat all the frosting you want here!

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*It’s too bad they’re not actual Cheez-It ads, because I’d totally buy the Cheez-It dust.


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KERF Recaps: Kathy Wears A Terrible Vest and Changes Her “Work Flow”

Kathy starts out the week by greeting her readers, whom she calls “weekend warriors!!” She’s talking to people on a Monday, and not implying that any of them participate in an activity mostly done on the weekends — reservist training, or riding a motorcycle — but, hey, she had a phrase rattling around in her head that contained the word “weekend,” and catching it and typing it makes her clever.

After making an allusion to her mother-in-law, who’s now joyously fucked off to San Diego away from her paparazzi daughter-in-law,

basking in warm weather on a sailboat!? Wink wink Karen.

Kathy describes her own weekend as “pretty low key,” aside from it being “a little wild!” on Friday.

Her definition of wild?

The boys when on a father-son date to Citizen Burger, and I joined some friends at Mono Loco for girls’ night.

She went to Mono Loco, a restaurant that describes itself as “nouveau-Latin,” where she usually gets something called a Spice-a-Rita. These are pictures of actual Spice-a-Ritas from the Internet:

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Here is the “tasty!” drink she had:

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She also ate a seafood “burrito bowl,”

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and then “went out partying.” What does that mean?

Kathy says only that she

stayed out way too late!! Fun times.

On Saturday, Bath Matt went to the fakery, and Kathy started opening boxes to a $213 Martha Stewart hutch (in “picket fence,” a.k.a. white) that was made in China, contains 32 different kinds of panels, screws, and other bits — 241 pieces to keep track of, in all — and specifically says in the 14 pages of instructions that if you don’t assemble it with two people, you’ll damage it.

Saturday morning Matt went to work and Mazen and I enjoyed eggs, orange and toast before embarking on a massive furniture assembly project …. An organizer’s dream!!! …. I’m hoping to put this in the basement and use it for arts + crafts and things plus files, obviously.

The hutch’s companion piece, a $453 base, hasn’t been delivered yet, but takes 22 pages of instructions. So that should be fun. Bath Matt eventually came home, at which time it appears the hutch was finally assembled. Kathy says she is “pumped for all those little cubbies!” and experienced unimaginable “excitement when I realized my vintage cheese box fit perfectly inside : )”

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I’d say that cheese box looks about 4″ too short to fit “perfectly,” but whatever geckos your hutch, Kathy.

Kathy went on a run in weather

so cold that my muscles froze and I was so stiff and sore when I got home

posted these photos of herself —

Screen Shot 2015-01-18 at 7.52.38 PMand says,

See – it really was a low key weekend: sweat pants and wet hair all day long!

The vest is from Land’s End, by the way, and it might mark the only time she wears the same thing as Jordan “Ramshackle Glam” Reid, who got hers for free.

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The inspiration for “Babby Forming Despite Life Threatening Heels,” for which I love her. Tenuous connection to “Always Sunny”? Not so much.

She ate a sardine “salad” and “crackers and chips” for a “late lunch,” before allowing her child to play outside “in 15 minute increments” because it was cold. That evening, she posted a photo of beer in a wine glass — or, as she says,

we cracked this guy open

— and cooked Thai Shrimp Curry she’s going to write about “in a few weeks” because it’s part of a deal where that food delivery service Blue Apron pays her for it, I think. Kathy says,

It was delish and packed with flavor. Everyone agreed!

This is supposed to be curry.

This is supposed to be curry.

On Sunday, she ate oats with pumpkin, peanut butter, and a muffin on top for breakfast, “mac and cheese” sent to her by General Mills-owned Annie’s Homegrown for lunch,

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and took time for

chores, an indoor soccer game (we lost this time :( ) and relaxing

In comments, she responds to a question about how the “grass-fed” macaroni and cheese tasted with her typically charming lack of spell-check and punctuation:

Though [sic] it was good! Same as regular. ThiS was leftovers so the sauce was all soaked

In Tuesday’s post, Kathy announces a change to her blog since she said she was going to reboot it to “slow” her work two years ago to focus on “adventures and meals.”

Nay! Not a change! A RENAISSANCE.

2013′s “Adaptation” post:

Five years ago I started an online food diary to share with friends and family how eating healthy could be enjoyable and delicious. Never in a million years could I have imagined what KERF would become. If you told me someone would document every meal she ate for over five years, I would tell you she was crazy. Yet here I am — the crazy person!!

And, on Tuesday, she wrote:

It’s been nearly 2 years since KERF went from a thrice daily food and lifestyle journal to a 5x a week blog with lifestyle posts thrown in. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my work flow, my interests, your feedback and where I see KERF years from now.

2013:

You guys have followed me from a desk job to Chemistry 101, from California to Africa, from cafeterias to hospitals, from Charlotte to Charlottesville, from books to bread, and from morning sickness to a new member of the family. Plus every meal along the way. I thank the thousands of you who check in daily from the bottom of my heart for your support and friendship.

She returned to this at the end of her post, signing off with,

Thank you all again – you are the best!

Just a note: She got about 300 comments in the first week after she posted about her “Adaptation.”

2015: Not a damned word about her readers.

It’s been almost a week, and there are 71 comments. One of them praises her for being a survivor :

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Why is she cutting down on her posts again?

This is how she blamed her baby, er, what she said in 2013:

I find myself at a crossroads now. Mazen not only needs a lot of my attention; he deserves it. I have loved sharing the “day in the life” of a newborn these past four months, but I know as he becomes more mobile, social and interactive, I’m going to want to spend even more time with him as well as my friends and the friends Mazen will make. I also would like to pursue some other interests and projects and need a bit more time in my day to do so.

Thus, I need flexibility. And the time has come to change gears.

And this is how she blamed her toddler, er, what she said on Tuesday:

….life became so unpredictable with an infant. There were days when I literally had zero minutes in my day to even look at the computer, and I didn’t want the stress of not having a post up and you guys wondering where I was if I couldn’t fit one in.

I’m a very consistent person!

One of the key ways she’s consistent has been in refusing to take any reader feedback, especially when it has to do with her admitting that she’s not the tiniest-meal-eating, perfect-sponsor-having food blogger of her dreams:

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So, she “can think about doing a post” about her “very small,” “tiny bite”-sized snacks — which are really just “bites.” Which doesn’t even mean that she will put in the effort to think about them. But she could. If she wanted to.

What would she rather focus on? Getting money to write about free boxes of cereal and macaroni from General Mills:

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So, what should we expect from her blog in the days ahead? In 2013, she said it would be

A less frequent posting schedule, some day-in-the-life posts and topical posts….

Look. I understand that some people’s parents might pay a little extra to know that their kid is going to a college where the kid doesn’t have to do their own laundry, like Davidson, because maybe they want their kid to be taken care of in the way they’ve been accustomed to at home. Paying more for a laundry service is sort of like paying extra for your kid to get a meal plan, right? The kid could take care of it on their own, but maybe it would be an easier transition if they didn’t have to live off ramen microwaved in a closet-sized “kitchen” down the hall and they could eat a salad and have a glass of orange juice every now and then, no?

But I think you’d want to make sure that the place at least taught said kid that etymology isn’t about words just meaning what they sound like in the context of 21st-century English. To wit — topical doesn’t mean ABOUT TOPICS.

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Kathy thinks that’s what it means, though, so let’s plow ahead.

Topics, she said at the time, would include things that, yes, she’s followed through on — recipes, “selected” meal recaps, “day in the life” posts, “Products I love,” “updates” on her exercise, beer reviews, and restaurant recaps. She did, a month after her “Adaptation,” post something about “Top 10 favorite nut butters,” (which she did the month after her reboot). Her promised “series on Real Foods” ended up being posts from guest RDs who had blogs or shakily credentialed merchandise to shill. Her “Adventure recaps” with photos of her child ended up just being braggy shit about her weekend when Bath Matt was probably too hungover to pose for photos — or he forgot his fedora.

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And I don’t think she’s said shit about gardening, which she promised, other than the summer after her Adaptation, when she complained about how she “LOVE[S] fresh herbs but don’t cook with them much because they are hard to manage in the kitchen.”

MOTHERFUCKING MARJORAM!

At the time, she said this would be easy:

I don’t have a plan, but I have hundreds of ideas of posts I can write that don’t require me to document my daily life. Posts that were I not writing about daily meals and going through so many life changes these past five years, I might have written a long time ago.

It seems that the reality of turning those “hundreds of ideas of posts” into a reality got on top of her, according to Tuesday’s post:

…. to be honest, they aren’t as fun and take twice as long to prepare as writing about my daily life and meals! People used to ask me how I blogged three times a day, and I would reply that my content was auto-generated by my meals so it didn’t feel like work. I didn’t have to come up with anything to write about….

Oh, the thing you do to earn money isn’t “fun”?

Anyway, Kathy says she’s been

….craving a more casual tone of posting for a while, but you can’t really write about topics and get that same vibe. In one of my surveys, 80% of you guys asked for more informal posts, so that’s the direction I’m headed.

I want (and need) to continue to do topical posts as ideas come to me because I don’t want to put the pressure of having the whole week wide open with nothing planned [sic]. Plus some posts work better as formal topics anyways. I also want (and need) to continue to do sponsored posts, as they are what keeps this blog running.


Thus, moving forward I am hoping KERF will be a hybrid. (But don’t hold me to anything – I might change my mind!)

She finally gets around to saying she’s not going to do those awful “Lately” posts where she writes about every damned thing she’s eaten in a week, and that

Maybe I’ll even come back with 2 posts in one day at times! I know it’s taken me a while to put your requests into action, but I haven’t been ready until now.

In conclusion, Kathy says that since she wasn’t ready to be more informal until now, we should now “Expect the unexpected,” and that she might “disappear” or post late, except don’t hold her to any of that, because she’s so consistent — except when she’s not.

Wednesday’s post is about how she wants to write about some dinners she ate in the week before her post, and also how she wants to write about how she bought a new dining room table:

We’re getting a new one from Restoration Hardware – their 1900s Boulangerie Table – aka a French bakery table!!! {How appropriate!}

She took food photos for Wednesday on their kitchen-turned-porch table, saying,

….I’m not sure how I feel about food photography on it! The color is just so different. But since our new table is lighter wood as well (to fit the beach house theme) I’m excited for the new look. Things will be better when the sun is out at 6pm!

The dinners she mentioned earlier are described in a section called “Mystery Meat.” She says that she cooked 

a random…. sausage

and

tasso …. another mystery meat!

because Bath Matt

brings home meats that he trades for bread at the farmer’s market

They ate the first one with whole wheat linguine, garbanzos, kale, and frozen tomato paste and frozen chipotle peppers:

Since you usually only need a little bit of each, we always freeze the rest and just break off a chunk to add to a dish. Served with some vino, this dinner was great!

The second “mystery meat” dinner, Kathy said,

….sure took a simple vegetable soup to the next level! To our big pot we added a box of chicken broth, 2 cups of frozen peas and green beans, a few dried herbs and then the sliced tasso and let it simmer for 30 minutes or so. 

For the last dinner she felt like recapping, she mentions that she bought some more of that fresh Mona Lisa pasta they get locally. She bought a lasagne for “a new mom” and bought herself one as well, she writes:

The cheese lasagna was ready in an hour. Mazen loved it and called it “Anya” like our neighbor! We made a salad with avocado, red pepper and a homemade dressing on the side. Kombucha to drink!

She ends by wishing her husband a happy birthday in all caps. We’ll see how Kathy celebrates her husband — and, presumably, it’ll be in a way that completely complements her 26,000 Kinds of Pumpkin Beer 32nd Who Gives A Fuck About That One birthday.


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KERF Recaps: Kathy Makes Nachos That Aren’t, Gets A Free Fitness Book, and Lists Items She’s Acquired

Before we get started talking about a book Kathy got for free from a fitness blogger (Wednesday’s post), some stuff that’s not nachos but she calls it nachos (Thursday’s post), and a list of other shit she’s acquired (Friday’s post), make sure you head over to the Official 2015 GOMI Awards at the main page, if you haven’t already been voting once an hour since Friday.

While Our Heroine failed to earn a nomination in “Lifetime Failchievement” or “Most Irrelevant,” La Belle Lame Sans Onions snagged a nod in the Biggest Decline category and inspired what’s far-and-away the favorite in the Best GOMI Username category, Sarah Ate Two Tacos But I Only Ate One.

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Vote here until Thursday.

Indeed, Kathy’s been nearly breaking a sweat on Instagram angling for a win in the former category with her child-shaming selfies of late.

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The perfect flow of nutrients and cluelessness.

Wednesday’s post covers Kathy

….celebrating the release of my good friend Gina’s book: HIIT IT! (Fitnessista’s Get More From Less Workout and Diet Plan to Lose Weight and Feel Great Fast).

HIIT apparently means “high intensity interval training,” whatever that means.

Kathy says Gina Harvey is “an inspiration,” and “super cool!” and mentions, as proof, Harvey feeding her dinner and “Cookie Dough Cereal” during Kathy’s stupid trip to the fakery convention in 2013, in Tucson:

her ‘clean eats’ were more than delicious

Already out of words, Kathy deems Harvey’s book

no less inspiring …. packed with both fitness and clean eating information

Why’s that? Because Kathy can interpret it as meaning she exercises really, really hard:

The good news is that I’m pretty sure some of the classes I go to during the week classify as HIIT.

Kathy says Harvey’s book details how one can get

….a really efficient workout for less time in the gym. I am all about that! …. I probably could put a bit more oomph into my non-class gym workouts. *Raising hand for lazily reading magazines on the stairmaster – guilty as charged!* Reading her book has inspired me to make sure every workout I do is worth my time.

Yes, I’m so sure.

Anyway, Kathy recommends the book by saying there are lots of workouts and photos in it, one of which she managed to attempt during her Christmas bitchfest to the Caribbean:

When I was on my Dominican Republic trip I gave this one a try (using a pretend jump rope) and loved the bang-for-my-buck it gave me when I would rather have been at the beach! Gina gave me permission to share it with you.

Screen Shot 2015-01-12 at 2.59.30 AMKathy also approves of Harvey’s KERF-reinforcing “food part of the book”:

I found all of the information in line with what I believe …. I’m eager to try her Nana’s Frijoles in my slow cooker!

She then calls a recipe for a “breakfast cookie” (oats, nut butter, protein powder — Kathy used whole wheat pancake mix instead, milk, a mashed banana and “mix-ins” that are all sort of mashed around onto a small plate) “famous.” Twice:

I am totally embarrassed to say that I have never tried Gina’s famous breakfast cookie!! While the book is packed with new recipes, this is one that is famous from her blog. Since I love oats and breakfast, it seemed like a great dish to enjoy for today’s book tour.

“Book tour?” You’re typing some thoughts about a book you got for free that required you to break a sweat on vacation once and make a cookie when you came back and describe it in five excruciating brain-bending words:

Delicious!! So fun to eat. 

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It also serves as a useful medical test for color blindness:

Hey, wake up, princess pancake. Your readers have questions!

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Moving on, there’s Thursday’s post, about “Mediterranean Nachos.”

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First of all, they’re not nachos. Second of all, the grossest thing about whatever these are might be that she tries to blame them on Bath Matt’s mom Karen:

We were brainstorming a meal plan one morning and stumbled upon this gorgeous recipe for Mediterranean Nachos. Kristy’s version is vegan and uses tofu as feta cheese and pita as the base. Karen and I adapted the recipe into our own by using both feta and tofu (two is better than one!) and layered a bunch of Mediterranean flavors onto crunchy sea salt pita chips.

Kathy claims these would be “perfect” for the Super Bowl, because what goes better with copious American beer and cheese dip and chips than tofu tossed in “Italian seasoning,” red bell peppers, hummus, artichokes, “cucs,” vinegar, “more Italian seasoning,” and “sea salt pita chips” from Whole Foods, and spread out on a gigantic baking pan when it doesn’t even need to be baked?

After chopping some of the ingredients and cooking the tofu in a pan, Kathy writes:

Then the fun happens – spread your pita chips out on a baking sheet (or other big platter!) and spread out your hummus in dollops all around. 

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Get your own gravity-defying capers at Whole Foods.

Kathy says “the best part!” is putting feta on top of this uselessly panned, crunchy, Dead Sea assemblage:

And then, my friends, dig in!! …. Eat with fingers, but a fork is also recommended for all the bits that are bound to fall off ; )

Yeah, that sounds impossible.

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Finally, Kathy’s poor husband and mom are even enlisted to show up and support her terrible recipe within two hours of its posting:

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Friday’s post is Kathy’s first list of things she’s acquired (a.k.a. “New Finds”) for 2015.

In 2014, when she started typing regular lists of “New Finds,” she’s mentioned the following:

• Things she got for free for review: MilkMade ice cream, Talenti “ice cream,” Sun Cups candy, TastyMakes granola, Lumi juice, Bobalu nuts, Ernie’s salsa, Salt Revolution salt, the Oh She Glows cookbook (which she hasn’t made a damn recipe from since reviewing it), Wünderbars moisturizer, a Lilypad scented candle, a Scentsy light and three kinds of scented wax, Bama + Ry jewelry, Brady Band headbands, Pear Tree custom photo Christmas cards, a Quirky dock station and cord organizer, and a Samsung Galaxy S5 that she describes for 440 words before even mentioning it’s a phone.

• Things she picked out and purchased her damn self: Blue Hill butternut squash yogurt, Snowville Creamery yogurt, Stack Wines, Dawn dish soap that smells like “Mediterranean Lavender,” a seersucker drying mat, anti-aging face goop from Paula’s Choice, Lock Laces, regular shorts from Gap, more athletic shorts from Gap (in a different post), Chooka rain boots, Comcast Xfinity cable television service, a first session with Dr. Tate the incredulous chiropractor, and a second session with Dr. Tate (in another post) that she probably mentioned so she could talk about getting injured during something that sounds like diapers for female warriors “GI Jane pull-ups.”

• Things she paid for through a subscription: LAQA lip pencil and Supergoop CC cream, both of which she describes wearing without posting a photos of her wearing them, even though I’m sure she just looked GORJ in them.

• Things she doesn’t say she bought or received for free: Rocky Mountain Sriracha, Martin x Martin smoked salmon, JD’s salsa seasoning mix, Peg’s Salt, and Sundra soap.

• Things she just mentioned but hasn’t bought or received for free: A book by Rachel Hofstetter called “Cooking Up a Business,” that awful Ring My Neck jewelry, and a Nespresso coffee machine and coffee “pods” from Gourmesso, which she sounded really upset about not being given for free to review, leading one to wonder if maybe all her Kathy-focused self-care New Year’s resolutions were less about a serious disconnect from her not-mentioned husband, and more about how she’s quite possibly pissed that Bath Matt didn’t get the hint and buy her the Nespresso for Christmas.

Anyway, let’s see what products Kathy is accepting for free and never using again or buying in hopes of larger corporate sponsorships in 2015:

• Plumeria-scented “Hawaiian” shampoo and conditioner by Alba Botania,

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Alba says the line is for “for “over-processed or damaged” hair, which I guess means Kathy’s sticking to the 3-hour highlighting visits to the salon whose name she can’t spell.

Kathy includes a money-earning affiliate link but no price (each 12-ounce bottle costs about $10). She says she “came home …. with” them after her free trip to Celestial Seasonings, but doesn’t say if that means she bought them, was given them (probably, since Alba is owned by the same parent company as Celestial Seasonings), or shoplifted them from a Walmart in Boulder. Her review is, as usual, ad copy spun gold:

Gah the smell is DIVINE!!! And for a natural shampoo without synthetic fragrances, parabens, phthalates, sodium lauryl sulfate or sodium myreth sulfate, it foams really well and makes my hair look and feel great. Best shampoo I’ve tried this year!

Well, for only a week into 2015, that’s a ringing endorsement.

Kathy doesn’t seem to care that the shampoo and conditioner each contain 3 “high hazard” ingredients and a handful of “moderate hazard” ingredients (9 in the shampoo, 7 in the conditioner) as rated by the Environmental Working Group (all the same “high hazard” and “moderate hazard” ingredients listed here for the shampoo and here for the conditioner appear in the current ingredients lists).

It might look weird that she took Alba’s exact list of what they don’t include —

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— but left out the first two, except that the only time Kathy has given a public shit about animal welfare is when she tries to come off like some kind of localganic superwoman who demands “pastured pork” from barbecue joints (and then complains that a $7 sandwich “isn’t cheap”), or sniffing disdainfully at a conference’s lack of “humane protein” or at non-pasture-raised, conventional “eggs that are most likely from that other kind of chicken.”

And then there was this shitstorm of ignorance.

And then there was this shitstorm of ignorance.

Oh, and the time there were yellow jackets under her table:

She later figured out that they weren't even bees.

She later figured out that it wasn’t even a nest and they weren’t even bees.

• Oribe shampoo and conditioner she ordered from Birchbox on the recommendation of sister Larbs, even though they are “so pricey.” (She doesn’t say, but the 1.7-ounce travel size costs about $13 for the shampoo and $14 for the conditioner.) As usual, she’s great at describing why she likes them:

I just bought the travel size because this set is $$! For totally different reasons from the Alba, the smell is amazing, and my hair is transformed after using them.

• Noir “Underliner.” I can’t find why the hell she’s calling the eyeliner “underliner,” but I think she’s talking about $15 eyeliner that she got in her Birchbox subscription makeup box. Kathy says she used to think even “higher end” eyeliner was just “black chalk” but that now, eyeliner is “the one thing [she can't] leave the house without.” She includes a helpful photo of the pencil sitting in a mug.

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In the comments, she tries to explain: “It’s creamier and a darker black so it stands out more and is really easy to put on”

• Slippers by Toms. It was 4 a.m. and she was fucking around on Instagram (or, as she calls it, “up with insomnia in the middle of the night”) and saw that Emily of The Daily Garnish had purchased some $49 slippers, so SHE needed some too.

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She “didn’t remember [her] credit card number,” so she waited until she woke up to complete the purchase, by which time, they were sold out, so she had to buy the Tin Man’s Grandma version.

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She calls them the “best slippers ever,” mostly because there are no laces to come untied. Because if you can’t get up and dig out your credit card, you sure as hell don’t want to be messing around with decorative slipper laces.

I guess we should just be thankful she didn’t try to get a pair of used boy’s slippers for $10 though, right?

• A $15 book about enlisting wildebeest and otters in your own homebrew basement. “Goodnight Brew” is a book Bath Matt’s dad and stepmom sent them for Christmas, which Kathy mentions so that she can stuff another Amazon affiliate link into her post.

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I’d be much more impressed if Kathy could handle “Go The Fuck To Sleep,” but I guess we have to settle for her calling the beer book “a hoot!” and “a must buy!” instead.

• “Blog School with Rita, the Blog Genie.”

You guys. Apparently, Kathy has been signed up for “Blog School” since last year.

Rita provides “great information” on topics including

Foundations, Design, Content, Growth, Social Media, Money & Media and more.

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And it

….combines monthly lessons, detailed worksheets and an active community to help you plan, grow and profit from your blog.

….I can’t emphasize enough how much this program helped me figure out what I wanted out of KERF (and am still debating!) It really makes you think about your goals, reflections, readers and future. Rita’s writing and information is clear, and there are so many tips and links that she shares that have changed the way I blog.

Even this Bill Cosby gif knows Kathy’s need to change is understated.

I don’t know, Kathy. I don’t see any dissatisfied sideways glances or denim jackets yet. Are you really finding satisfaction?

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• The book from the blogger at “Chocolate-Covered Katie.” Kathy calls Katie her “blog friend” and “a dessert diva!”


Kathy gives away a copy of the book by recommending two recipes: one made with garbanzos, peanut butter, chocolate chips, and oats, and another based on coconut milk, vanilla extract, and peppermint extract:

I’ve made Katie’s Cookie Dough Dip – yummmm! And frosting shots made with coconut anyone!?

• Some things that she might have bought, or been given — it’s completely unclear — from some website:

Lucky Vitamin invited me to poke around on their site and share some of my favorite new finds with you guys. They are like a virtual health store and have everything from aromatherapy candles, to healthy snacks, awesome shampoo (!!), essential oils, natural toothpaste, and of course, vitamins. Anything in the health arena you might need, they will have. 

Anything? Huh.

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“More crunch.” Piss off if that’s a priority in your life.

Sorry, Lucky Vitamin. It looks like all you have is some $1 Thai Sweet Chili bar from KIND, a $1 travel-sized tube of Tom’s Simply White toothpaste, 3 ounces of kale chips for almost $8, 13 ounces of OGX acai berry and avocado shampoo for $8, a 12-ounce lavender and rosewood scented candle for $18, and a 4-ounce bottle of tea tree oil for $18. (Prices from Amazon because they’re easier to navigate and don’t bug me with pop-ups.) Too bad I’m looking for some Rogaine foam, an enema bulb, a 1 quart sharps container, dissolving tablets of codeine, and a nose hair trimmer.

• A set of 8 flash cards that retail for about $25 on “clean eats” and nutrition sent to Kathy to review by “Nourish Schools.” Kathy calls the cards

a great set of healthy eating information! Everything someone would need to know to get started cooking real food.

The cards feature how-tos, tips and information on different healthy food categories – from greens to beans to whole grains. 

Seems like the most boring goddamn thing on the list, except who the hell is Nourish Schools? Here are some things that probably seem innocuous, but raise flags as red as Kathy’s cheeks at her sister’s wedding to your humble narrator Conchshell: Their website calls them only by their first names, even though — as they note — they write under their full names for a Washington Post parenting blog, and have done so for several years.

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So, wait. Why would a pair of “certified nutrition counselors” not proudly list their credentials, yet take time to cite apparent examples of using food to fight disease — one of them told a spouse with an autoimmune disease “to embrace nutrition” and the other “changed the way she fed her family” to get rid of a child’s diseases?

This “Mighty Ducks” gif included because I love ducks and for no other reason.

There aren’t any answers on their site, but the Post calls Nourish Schools “a D.C.-based nutrition education company,” and if they’re a company, they must be making money somehow, especially since they’ve only been selling flash cards since last fall. Over the years, it looks like they’ve earned money on a lecture circuit at capital-area schools, where they talked about nutrition for kids. Their site used to advertise 8 hours of lectures on how nutrition , for $300. Here’s another typical one:

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But hold the allegedly detoxifying mung beans — why would Seidenberg and Sumner take down their last names, their “testimonials” and “facts” pages, and their “BCHC, AADP” credentials from their own sites? What do those mean? Why is it that no there’s no reference to either of them earning the first of those credentials — it stands for “Board Certified Holistic Health Counselor,” according to Sumner’s LinkedIn profile — at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (Sumner in 2008 and Seidenberg in 2009)?

And what does “AADP” mean? Well, according to its own public relations, graduates from IIN

receive a certificate in health counseling from Integrative Nutrition and are qualified for national certification from the American Association of Drugless Practitioners.

In a damning 2007 investigation by the Seattle Times (Teen’s death hastened by practitioner who had bogus diplomas,”) the AADP was described as one of the biggest

….seemingly independent health-care credentialing organizations …. [that are little more than] mail-order factories that issue professional titles and hand out accreditations to more than 100 schools ….

Its founder, Joshua Rosenthal, the Seattle Times continues,

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BUT HE BELIEVES THAT "VITAMIN L" IS LOVE!

BUT HE BELIEVES THAT “VITAMIN L” IS LOVE!

If you read any other “Healthy Living” bloggers besides Kathy, you might have heard of IIN before, because that’s who bestowed the title of “health coach” on Clare (Fitting It All In) needs to STFU and Eating Bird Food.

Nonsense like this seems like it promotes only healthy food and really turns out to be something that promotes fear of vaccines, vague toxins, and prescription drugs, but Kathy never gives a shit who she’s accepting things from. It’s laminated? It has a picture of kale on it? It’s FREE? Motherfucking sign her UP!

But say what we will about General Mills and Kathy, at least we know that the former makes its money through selling sugary shit, and at least we know that Kathy Younger went to Davidson and Winthrop to earn her undergrad degree and her registered dietician certification and that she makes her money reviewing products and contracting out her three stuffed bears on clandestine, international hit jobs.

A dramatization.

If you can’t provide that level of honesty, keep your schemes out of the public schools. They’ve got enough problems without your balderdash about mung beans and spirituality.

Speaking of honesty, okay. Here’s some honesty: Kathy is a stupid lunk.

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She shouldn’t just never casually mention obsessive-compulsive disorder again, she should stay away from any conversation about any kind of thought.


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KERF Recaps: Twelve Resolutions, Yet a Dimmer Picture Than Ever

Most of her adult life has been lived in public, so Kathy usually has a yearly resolutions post.

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Let’s take a look back at them, shall we?

In 2008, Kathy was all about trying to create less waste, support local and environmentally friendly business, and use less electricity:

Here are some things the husband and I are working on:

  1. We have started to use our nice cloth napkins (for a few days – unless they get really gross!) instead of paper ones at meals.
  2. We’re committed to taking our re-usable bags to the grocery store every week.
  3. We switched our banking bills to e-bills to save paper.
  4. We always keep our heat off when we’re gone and turned waaaaay down at night. We bought a programmable thermostat.
  5. We only drink bottled water in emergencies.
  6. We walk whenever we can, seriously.
  7. We use washable tupperware when we can instead of plastic bags.
  8. We recycle more than we throw away each week.

Some things we need to keep working on:

  1. Use less electricity.
  2. Keep up our compost. We really only compost big things like huge squash skins and watermelon rinds.
  3. Be smarter about buying organic food (when appropriate) and shopping at the Farmer’s Market when it opens in the spring to support local farmers. (My favorite grocery store, EarthFare, actually sells a lot of local produce, so that helps when we can’t get to the farmer’s market).
  4. Make an effort to support companies and buy products that are environmentally friendly, etc.
  5. BORROW, don’t BUY books! Use the library! (We both prefer to read books we own, which I know is totally stupid and a waste of money and trees!)

In December, 2008*, she wrote,

I love the arts and don’t get to as many performances as I wish I could because of the cost, but going to see more community theater is a New Year’s resolution of mine. And I am thinking about auditioning for a summer musical if my schedule allows!

Looks like that didn’t happen, thank goodness.**

And after her birthday in 2009, she went to yoga and resolved to lose a few pounds:

I just started a new year of life and made a few new year’s resolutions as I flowed. I reflected on year 26 and how I approached my healthy habits. During the past year I’ve really embraced intuitive eating. I eat whatever I want. That includes both sides of the spectrum – salads and oatmeal and beer and chocolate. I love exercise as much as I love frosting. I make choices based on how things will make me feel. I try to live with no regrets.

However, I feel like there is still a piece missing to the puzzle. As evident from both my clothing and my reflection in the mirror, I’ve put somewhere between 3 and 10 pounds. I’ve asked myself is it worth it to be able to eat whatever I want and be a little heavier. The answer> is yes, it is. But on the other hand, it would be so easy to just tone down the partying a little and molt out of those party pounds. I’m not unhappy with my body, but I’m not as happy as I used to be.

I have no plan for changing anything moving forward to year 27. I’m just going to go with the flow with the mindset of living lighter. If anything I just need to drink less alcohol and keep my hand out of my dark chocolate drawer. And not have a birthday for another year ;)

In 2011, she decided to stop fucking around on the computer:

2011

2011

Kathy decided she was perfect in 2012. She’d just discovered she was pregnant, and was celebrating with bikini photos and mocktails in Jamaica:

I have no resolutions for 2012. I make resolutions when I wake up every morning!

2011 was one rockin’ year and I hope 2012 will be too.

In 2013, Kathy made sushi and curled her hair for New Year’s Eve. Okay, the sushi was falling apart and so were her curls, but she was clearly a superwoman who was on top of everything.

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In 2014, Kathy’s list was full of things she looked forward to doing for her family’s home, with and for her husband and her son, along with a trip with her friends, all decorated with pretty wretched emojis (why does “preschool” warrant one that looks like a Windows OS box?):

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On Friday, Kathy begins 2015 with a post of reminders for each of the months ahead…. none of which include any photograph of anyone aside from herself and her toddler. She talks about a possible second baby — but mentions not a word about Bath Matt’s birthday this month, their 8th anniversary in June, or any kind of “getaway” shared with anyone.

• January and February: Kathy needs to “get rid of the winter blues that come this time of year.” She slowly gets less and less relatable with the rest of her suggestions. She recommends listening to “summery music,” going on “a brisk walk,” eating kale and drinking “fresh green juice” instead of numbing herself to the tedium of her life with “cocktail hour.”

Okay. What else? She also orders herself to buy a sled, because —

If you’re knee deep in snow, make sure it involves some sledding.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman in her 30s prodding herself to get out and relive the joys of sledding, especially a woman with a child with a man she fell in love with while sledding during winter break in their freshman year of college. From Kathy’s engagement story on The Knot:

They spent the whole night sledding down the hills of what would be their rehearsal dinner location. The night ended with a kiss, and a romance unveiled. Matt taught Katherine to play the guitar, they finished reading Lord of the Rings, and spent hours talking about every subject imaginable to find that they wanted similar things out of life. 

But in Kathy’s world, re-introducing herself, and no one else, to the fun of winter, is something she’s been whining about for years, with no mention of her old sledding partner….aside from when she roped him into having “The Bears” go sledding in their driveway:

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She also commands herself to indulge by using her gym’s heated pool and hot tub and going to the hot vinyasa class she’s been “dying to try” (read: waiting to be offered to attend, free-of-charge, on a day that aligns with her child’s preschool schedule, no doubt).

These are all lame substitutions for what Kathy really needs, by the way:

the best thing for the winter blah’s [sic] is …. a vacation to to the tropics.

Because she hasn’t had one of those since…. 96 hours ago.

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• March: Kathy is maybe gonna run the Charlottesville 10-Miler, which is scheduled for March 21, and includes a photo of Kathy’s Garmin Forerunner 305, which she once wrote “changed the way [she] ran” and “live[d] on [her] stroller handlebars” before it disappeared. Kathy tells herself:

Take the pressure off. You are not going to run as fast as you did in 2010. Too much in your life has changed. Instead focus on the friends you have trained with and the high you’ll get at the end of the race (even if it takes you 2 hours+!)

She might want to focus on a bit more than that, as taking more than 2.5 hours to run the course isn’t allowed:

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• April: With a photo of her pushing Toddler Carbz to go down a step at a playground, Kathy uses this note to herself to remind herself to ride her bike, play outside with her child, and to re-strap herself into her lime green fitness shackle:

If you’re not still wearing your Jawbone, get it back out and start up your warm-weather walking.

• May, June, & July: Kathy knows she’ll be spending most of the summer faffing about on the beaches of North Carolina and Virginia, as she did in the previous year — all year, really — so she reminds herself to “feel awesome” for “bathing suit season,” to eat all the fruit salad, smoothies, and berries she can, and to “REALLY unplug” at Bald Head Island — with a photo of some produce on a lawn, another of a paperback book, and a third of her and her child on the beach. She writes:

This is your favorite vacation of the year and you don’t need your phone on the beach! Blog comments can wait. Emails are not that urgent. Take a paper book instead and get in a good novel.

• August: This month brings with it a photo of Kathy with Newborn Carbz, as well as the possibility that Kathy “could be pregnant,” which means — joy? Excitement? More like an extra dose of martyrdom:

If you are [pregnant], do your best to put your feet up a bit. You might never get the chance again. Your blog friends will understand if you can’t get a post up everyday.  If you’re incredibly nauseous [sic] this time, I am so sorry. Remember juice puts you back to sleep at night, and those stretches Jen taught you work wonders. And if you’re not ready to have another baby (or making one has proved a challenge the second time through) try to relax. There is no ideal timeline for spacing kids, and it will happen when the time is right.

Her commenters are pleased about the news:

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• September: With a photo of her child alone on a walkway at the beach. Kathy reminds herself that he’ll be turning 3 and, while it’ll be hard to top his chilly Mason Jar-themed first birthday and second birthday party sponsored by cheap inflatable dinosaurs and plastic cups from China, that she should spend at least a few minutes thinking about what he likes:

Are you doing everything you can to nurture him? Take some time to reflect on the past 3 years and plan some activities for his birthday month to make it extra special.

Or maybe a "birthday month" just means she can treat herself to more cake.

Or maybe a “birthday month” just means she can treat herself to more cake.

• October: To go along with the cheerful picture of her and Toddler Carbz in costumes for Halloween, Kathy…. literally has to give herself a pep talk for enduring what’s usually her favorite birthday-cake-and-pumpkin-beer-filled month. What’s wrong, Kathypants?

I know you don’t love odd numbers, but turning 33 is kind of fun because of the double digits!

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She also tells herself to lay off the pumpkin beer this year, making it sound like her 32nd birthday party with 17 kinds of pumpkin beer might have been a bit much. Also, that she might “have to abstain anyways” if she’s knocked up. Thanks, Not-Yet-Inconvenient Second Baby — maybe your nickname can be “Antabuse.”

• November: This month’s to-do item is to donate clothing she hasn’t worn “all summer or fall,” and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the endless stream of subscription-plan clothing, accessories, and jewelry coming into Kathy’s house. There’s a photo of her shirts pushed over to the side of her closet to accompany it.

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Long gone are the days of Kathy’s third bedroom, a.k.a. the “Queen Room,” which she used entirely as a closet for herself. (Not joking.)

She also plans to “declutter” so that she can “surround [herself] with the items [she] truly love[s].” Aluminum branches and gold chevron dishes from Pottery Barn for days!

• December: As in October, Kathy will be trying to stay away from the spiked egg nog. She posts a photo of two glasses of wine and a plate of crackers, and writes:

….remember how amazing you felt after Meg + John’s party last year? That’s called being mindful and it was a good example of how focusing on how you FEEL is what’s most important.

That’s one explanation, anyway. The other is that Kathy heard “butterscotch” when one of her hosts said “partyflocks.”

Not exactly dinner mints.

Not exactly dinner mints.

Also in December, Kathy will be trying to do her holiday shopping, “party gift buying,” Christmas card “writing,” and “meal planning” as early as possible. Part of this involves pawning off some of her gift duties on her then-3-year-old:

Next year: have Mazen make homemade crafty gifts for his grandparents!

Hopefully, all her early holiday preparations will mean she can court Williams Sonoma for a new table runner, sweet talk Campbell’s into sending her something to put in her empty silver gravy boat, and find a second disgusting swiss chard recipe she can pretend is stuffing all before Thanksgiving, so that she “can sit back and relax and enjoy the season.”

I guess there’s just one problem with having a great year sledding and exercising and eating berries all by herself — her Scooba mop robot and her Moto X better be ready to take all the photos.

* Also in that post? This weirdness:

I can totally tell that chemicals are making me feel so cranky – some kind of anger chemicals in my blood related to anxiety/stress over [a stove delivery problem], or perhaps PMS? Either way, I can tell something’s not right up there in an out-of-body observation kind of way. I’m just not myself. So sorry to be so melodramatic about this – blame the chemicals!

** Although, man, it would be a hoot to imagine Kathy tagging along with the theater kids to a midnight “Rocky Horror” showing. She’d totally offer to bring the toast, but it wouldn’t be toasted, and she would spend the whole night with her eyebrows raised so high the lipstick V on her forehead would paint her roots red.