fitsmug foodsmug recaps

KERF Recaps: Reboot Edition, Post 321

It’s Wednesday, which means it must be time for Kathy to dump her photos of what she ate last week and impress us with how much she exercised.

Howdy-ho?

Anyway, for breakfast last week she ate

• a smoothie, a piece of that not-Irish soda bread, and decaf coffee. She describes the smoothie as “cold” and “yum!” and says that now that she has “single serve cups” for her new, free blender, she’ll eat more smoothies.

I’m sure everyone who bought exercise equipment around the first of the year can empathize.

• Eggs, fruit, and more sham bread, which she calls

ISB (I’ll be sad when it’s gone but Matt says it’s ridiculously easy to make)

But Kathy. You mean your single-serving cups didn’t solve all life’s woes? I don’t know what’s real and what’s make believe anymore.

She also makes sure to point out that the sickly strands of illumination on her slick breakfast slab are natural light, which is rather a sad clarification, since the glow of the star around which all of us living beings orbit seems to be sucked dry of its life-giving warmth whenever it touches the veneered slab of heartache she calls a dining room table.

• More stupid bread, fruit, and “sunbutter.”

Served on the porch on my new Target stool I found 50% off! Light breakfast was likely because we had a later breakfast and a workout looming.

It was “likely” because she obviously doesn’t take any notes, just snaps her photos while her food gets cold and tries in vain to remember what she ate and why as quickly as possible, with as many cryptic initialisms as possible. (If only she could save time by putting her “Lately” posts away without folding!)

• For instance, the next breakfast:

hot AB&J oats! Technically BB&J – Barney Butter and jam …. that makes me crave a PB&J sandwich right now…

Funny. It makes me crave the sweet embrace of the Neuralyzer from “Men In Black.”

• More oatmeal, fruit, nut butter, and those awful chia seeds she likes

This was actually an oatmeal- oat bran mix with cranberries and sliced almonds.

Fuck. Thank you for telling us that. This changes everything.

Mazen loves oatmeal and ate 3 baby-sized bowls!

Of course he does. Kathy’s like some sluggish, single-size-cup-requiring Florentino Ariza doggedly waiting, year after year, for some idealized Quaker sponsorship.  Love in the Time of Cheerios. “Esta bien, me caso con usted si me promete que no me hará comer cebollas.”

We head now into the exercise portion of the food diary that’s online for no reason. Here’s what Kathy did to burn off all that Barney Butter:

• An all-gamily gym jaunt “for some cardio and weights.” They didn’t spend an hour there, however, so they didn’t get to spend the rest of the day eating Peppermint Patties.

• A two-mile stroller run to the park, and the same thing back, since the weather was

gorg

It was SO great to be out running again even if that stroller really is about 55 pounds now!

• A group workout in which Kathy dragged some of her friends to do “a 30 minute circuit” with jilted trainer Erin.

I also walked to and from the gym, so I got in extra cardio that way.

• That “athletic conditioning” class, since Kathy obviously thinks she’s going to get picked for the Hunger Games sometime soon.

The class is usually a good mix of cardio and weights, but today we did so much running! I was bright red in the face by the end. Our workout even took us outside to run up and down the sidewalk hill. I was huffin and puffin!

• A .8-mile run to the gym for “mother’s morning out” and a run back, followed by a walk downtown and home, and then another walk to “ladies night.”

• A walk to the gym and back for

Training with Erin {lower body} …. Erin has really pushed me lately and I can see the difference in my arms!

Hold up. Did Erin fuck up her arms and manage to accomplish a personal training session by doing the whole thing Riverdance style?

Guess we’ll have to live in suspense — or just presume Kathy was homph-gomphing Peppermint Patties or “natural” jelly beans the whole time

as it’s full-speed on to what Kathy ate for lunch last week:

• Salmon, chips, blue cheese, and miso carrots over lettuce.

A bunch of leftovers over a salad is my favorite kind of lunch …. Clean out the fridge.

• A tortilla around Parmesan broccoli and “leftover Mexican scramble.” I’m not even Mexican, but I feel scrambled trying to figure out that particular combination.

• That not-Irish sweet bread, blue cheese, and a salad with one of those overpriced meatless pucks on int.

I’ve been making simple dressings in the bottom of my bowls – olive oil, mustard, sherry vinegar, salt and honey. Just a squirt of each and fork-mix it all together.

Congratulations?

• A pecan and butterscotch cookie someone brought her,

Cookie, we need to talk.

and split pea soup from a box

that I amped up with frozen peas, shredded frozen chicken, and leftover potatoes …. Yogurt on top is the theme of the week.

If I ever start deciding my weeks need themes, and that putting on yogurt on top of food qualifies as one, I hope someone slaps me like a clogged nacho cheese bag.

• Leftover gumbo, chips, her child’s “rejected apple slices,”

and

Y.O.T.

 The dinner section has devolved to Kathy describing what “super delicious” recipes she’s paying her meal planning service for. Apparently, having the service means 

we have the weekends to be creative in the kitchen. This Sunday we made a slow-cooked beef shank in a tomato-y sauce with carrots, sweet potatoes, celery and other veggies. It was served over rice with some yogurt. Mazen LOVED it and asked for more “meat!” Ha!

The careful script of meals went as follows:

• Salmon, carrots, and quinoa. She had to make a miso sauce, and cooked with butter.

The miso sauce was just so, so good!! Quinoa and I are still not very close friends.

Actually, not pepper, waiter — could I get some saline irrigation and debridement?

• Broccoli and tofu tacos and yogurt.

Loved this style of eating tofu!

Welcome to Sedona 40 years ago, Kathy. We’re glad to have you.

• Something that was called “gumbo” but that was cooked in 20 minutes.

Kathy namechecks the JM Stock shop she and Bath Matt went to, since the much-hyped purchase of the sausage was there.

• Leftover gumbo

and pushed the fried rice to the weekend!

I don’t know what she meant by that, but I hope she scored the $15 scuffin iron.

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