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KERF Recaps: Kathy Eats Some Stuff, Promotes A Thing She Doesn’t Care About, Goes Apeshit Over Her Stupid 32nd Birthday

If you were wondering about the ticker-tape parades, ceremonial bell-ringing, and groups of children caroling that surely overwhelmed your neighborhoods this weekend, it was Kathy’s birthday, duh.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves (said Conchshell, posting five recaps a week late). Let’s return to the suspenseful build-up of Kathy’s Birthday Week.

Pretend these are viewing guides for Survivor.

On Monday, Kathy talked about what a “most beautiful” weekend she had, in which it wasn’t too warm to wear jeans and she put an owl-shaped plate on her dining room table to make it “more spooky.” If you don’t remember, I think it’s that white plate she put sliced up stuff on and it ended up looking like something out of this roundup of edible animal penis. I do not care to look up the original image, thank you.

First, the neighbors came over for “cocktail hour” Friday evening and they “sipped pumpkin beer [and] ate Monticello peanuts” and ate pizza. She allowed her kid the tremendous joy of jumping off a bench, and took a photo where she’s wearing that awful dish scrubbie shirt and her tiny son looks so thoroughly reticent and creeped out.

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Continuing to ignore apparent reality, she writes:

The kiddos were in seventh heaven.

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Loomed over by a hirsute, chewing Bath Matt, these children — as is strangely typical for Kathy’s photography — look overcome by the kind of existential angst that makes one unable to conjure hunger at all. Not pictured: the copy of Arthur Schopenhauer’s “On the Vanity of Existence” from which Carbz was reading passionately 30 seconds prior to the snapping of this photo.

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The next day, Kathy deigned to recognize the birthday of her little sister in (her new swanky-I-guess home in Dallas) by putting sprinkles on her own pancakes.

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Happy birthday, Laura. I’ll celebrate you with 5 cents of waxy sugar sand.

Pawning off her toddler on Bath Matt, Kathy headed out to play soccer on Saturday, using some old bag she hardly remembers from high school that her mom gave her while playing wistful house-clean-out games in North Carolina. I’m not sure why this needed to be noted, or preserved for all time, but here it is:

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She came back and ate a meatless lentil puck, leftover parsnips, peppers, and hummus, a lunch she says came “from deep inside the fridge.”

With the changing of the seasons I get a little sick of salads. I was glad to have a veggie alternative. It’s soup season!

When her husband and child returned, Kathy set herself to slave away in the kitchen and rolled her eyes at her child’s pitiful attempt to mimic her:

Saturday afternoon we did some baking! While I prepared the real recipe, Mazen did a pretend one with honey in a cup. He is loving cooking these days.

Whatever it is she made, it is horrifying-looking. Here it is on the left, and here is what it reminds me of on the right, with all relevant apologies to spiders:


Saturday night, they “headed into the country for a harvest party!” where there were four kegs and I’m sure nothing was harvested except selfies. There was a bonfire and tiny portions and “s’mores were gobbled down!”

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At the disgustingly early hour of 8:30 a.m. on Sunday, Kathy was at Whole Foods, drinking cappuccino and noting how “GLORIOUS!” it was that no one else was in line. She came back, chopped a sweet potato and a squash and responding perfunctorily to anyone who wanted actual information about the process —

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— and went out to play another soccer game:

Our team played so well, and we almost won but ended up in a tie. We always tie!

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She came back to eat smoked salmon, sweet potato fries, cheese, greens, and baked apples,

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then blogged and went to a neighborhood association picnic so she could take a photo of herself holding wine and her kid in falling-off sunglasses painting a miniature pumpkin and herself holding a plastic glass of wine and this:

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It was a little weird to eat dinner at 4:30, but I can be convinced to eat at any hour : )

and another photo of her child painting pumpkins with the caption:

Happy birthday week to me

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Tuesday’s post is another sponsored post brought to us by the Center for Science in the Public Interest (the sponsors of the second post recapped here, in June) about how the center has named Oct. 24 “Food Day”:

Food Day “aims to bring us closer to a food system with “real food” that is produced with care for the environment, animals, and the women and men who grow, harvest, and serve it.” Obesity, chronic disease, food insecurity, hunger, food safety, farm labor, and animal welfare are just some of the topics that Food Day addresses.

Kathy doesn’t even know what that means, but she thinks it means that the way she eats will keep her safe from obesity and chronic disease, and that she can afford pasture-raised eggs, and good for her for that, because “those other eggs” are ew.

As for caring about hunger, food insecurity, food safety, and farm labor, Kathy hasn’t seemed to ever give a shit so long as her yearly batch of pumpkin beer is brewed on time.


She’ll leave the serious conversations to her commenters:

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Nevertheless, she pretends to be totally hip to the movement because she can do a dump of her old links and consider her post complete:

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She sums up her mission by name-checking three groups — the Charlottesville Local Food Hub (the place that hooked her up with dinner and a chance to wear her bridesmaid boots earlier this month), the City Schoolyard Garden (to which she and Bath Matt have donated bread at least once a year in exchange for dinners, mini cupcakes, and publicity) and Peanut Butter & Jelly Fund (which she has never before mentioned on her site) — saying that she’s “incredibly lucky to be able to afford” fancy food but that she’s doing a noble thing by “consider[ing] that each purchase …. encourages producers to provide these foods to consumers at more affordable prices,” and concluding that she hopes her blog is “a tiny part” of explaining to people “not only that an apple is a better choice than a bag of Doritos, but also why.”

Thanks for that groundbreaking information, Kathy. Let us know if you ever decide to talk about hunger, farm labor, or any of the other topics you’ll never touch with a 10-foot-pole made from soup kitchen bologna sandwiches.

She ends the post with a link dump to 28 blogs that mention “Food Day” for “Food Day’s first-ever Coordinated Blogging Event,” and points out that her post isn’t sponsored,

just showing some love for real food.

Wednesday’s post is a guest post by

Katy, the registered dietitian behind Have Fruit Will Travel

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Katy and her dude quit their jobs (she was a corporate dietician) to travel through Central and South America, then Europe and Asia for a year, so Katy wanted to know all about what she would be most fascinated by in another country — avoiding gaining weight:

Vacation pounds can settle in fast, and since travel is her lifestyle at the moment Katy gives some good tips on eating well abroad.

To sum up, Katy has been doing the thoroughly unexpected by

making sure we are getting enough of the good (fruits, vegetable, fiber and protein) while still enjoying the occasional indulgence.

To stay skinny in these horrible countries that only want her to gain weight, the savvy Katy has been carrying “healthy snacks….everywhere we go” (even though she doesn’t say what the hell they are) and eating rice and beans, ceviche, and smoothies to balance out the night where she goes to secret Argentinian restaurants that she only knows about because she is awesome.

Because fuck knows you can't get white rice and beer and beef anywhere else in Buenos Aires.

Because fuck knows you can’t get white rice and beer and beef anywhere else in Buenos Aires.

They’ve also been splitting restaurant meals and making “some killer, veggie packed dishes” in a rented apartment with a hotplate and a microwave, just in case you were about to complain that your long hours at work and other generalized exhaustion was preventing you from keeping up with some young, job-ditching things munching their way around the world for a year.

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In conclusion, Katy the guest blogger describes herself as a foodie three times. How wonderful for her.

All Thursday’s post is about is how much television Kathy’s been watching and how she’s putting apples and cheese on a sandwich in the morning.

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Kathy dialectically opines that:

Y’all know I’m not the biggest savory breakfast girl. About as savory as I go is bacon from time to time. Maaaaybe a spinach omelet at brunch. But one morning cheese sounded good.

We had a yeasty Virginia roll in the bread basket, and I sliced up some apple, sizzled some butter, sprinkled on cinnamon and this sandwich was imagined.

Everything is cooked together in one pan – the egg in the middle with the cheese on top once it’s set and the apples in butter along the edges.

Irritating things about this post include that she says she’s:

Popping in for some chit-chat this morning.

And that she is positively Scarlett O’Hara-d about watching these pre-2005 episodes of “Survivor.”

My two friends Hillary and Ellen and I are OBSESSED. Like so obsessed we get together 4-5 nights a week to sip hot tea and watch together (luckily we all live close by).

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And then Kathy realized that there were more seasons of Survivor to be watched.

Sometimes one of us gets so enthralled that we have to keep going and get ahead of the others. So far I have watched Seasons 7, 10, 11-17, and the 4 most recent ones on TV in real time. We now have a Google Doc to help manage our obsession. It’s amazing.

I secretly want to apply for the show, but I don’t think I could leave Mazen for 40 days. Maybe when he’s in upper elementary school : ) I also have a glorified impression of Survivor and think that 2 nights of going to the bathroom outdoors and seeing a wild snake or spider would have me crying for home.

I would mostly be in it for the challenges, which look so fun! My friends and I think there should be a Survivor resort where fans can check in and live with pretty minimal comforts and participate in challenges during the day. Only Survivor geeks would actually pay to do that!

Her fans apparently like that idea too:

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So. She says another “obsession” of hers is playing soccer.

This is apparently related to why she doesn’t want to have another kid:

Soccer is one of the selfish reasons I am not ready to get pregnant again. I don’t want to give it up just yet.

I’ve been guesting playing for some of the other teams in the league just to get in more field time. I have the world’s best husband who loves hanging out with Mazen on Sunday mornings and totally supports my love of the game. In fact, I think they cherish their solo time as much as I do since Matt doesn’t have as much time alone with M during the week. Soccer is by far my best workout of the week –both mentally and physically. I have reached 20,000 steps on the Jawbone on some of those bonus game days.

I know she’s trying to say that she has a loving family who are all flexible enough to support her love of the game, but for some reason, it just keeps coming off like Mommy Wants To Play Games, And Fuck You, Second Future Planned Child; You Are Getting In the Way Of My Adult Hide-And-Seek.

After her sponsored tea, Kathy says that she comes home to tea made by her new sponsor, Celestial Seasonings, because she is “now addicted” to some Sleepytime tea. (Which is awesome, because Kathy is 32 and has never had any experience with addiction that would prevent her from using “addiction” in a glib and superficial manner. Yay!)

Seemingly unbelievable for someone who’s now 32, she says she doesn’t:

think I’d had it before the trip, but I’m hooked on its minty herby aroma and swirl in a teaspoon of honey.

She ends by saying that she bought a set of “Pumpkin Pecan Waffles” and “Pumpkin Cupcake” candles from Bath and Body Works because Seamane gave her a set in 2013 and,

These guys make my house smell incredible!! …. I happened to be at the mall this week and saw they have them again this year. Best candle I’ve ever burned!

Friday’s post is one of those long-dreaded “Lately” posts where Kathy lists everything she’s eaten in a given week. She ate:

• Oats, banana, yogurt, granola, “sunbutter,” and coffee that looks like it’s been sitting out for five hours.

I really like the yogurt on top – it’s kind of like frosting……ok it’s nothing like frosting, but I still like it!

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• Some pre-packaged Whole Foods oats “with chia seed explosion!”

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Kind of like a single serving of overnight oats minus the yogurt. Chia, oats, apple – ready to eat! This would be perfect for a traveler who needs a quick and cheap breakfast and passes by a grocery store. Spoon included! You could eat it cold, but heated up it was great.

• Something she called “Eggs, toast with jam, a grape arch.”

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• A “pumpkin pie smoothie in a bowl!” with granola on top of it.

So, for lunch, she and her mother-in-law took her child to an apple orchard, took a photo of him in sunglasses, and decided that he could go fuck himself after he stopped wanting to dutifully pick apples and just run around.

Karen, recovering cancer patient, grated hard-boiled eggs to make this:

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After sandwiches and Terra brand chips, Kathy recorded that her child had “fun for about 5 minutes” while picking apples but then “ just wanted to run up and down the mountain.”

• This stupid, sad thing,

a big salad at home – quesadilla on the side made with a local blue corn tortilla stuffed with a slice of cheese plus greens with beans, hummus, peppers and feta cheese.

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• A free lunch at the fakery, where Kathy had a salad containing cold looking turkey and frozen cubes of cheese.

• The most funereal thing that’s ever been described as a “perfect quesadilla.”

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• Salad and eggs on top and a fakery roll.



• I don’t know what this vile thing is supposed to be, but it’s described as

Too thick for soup, but too soupy for pasta …. 4 cups of squash and pumpkin puree with 2 cups of chicken broth, 1 can of white beans, 1/2 tsp of salt, some garlic and fresh rosemary. Plus 3 cups of rigatone. All cooked together into a “stoup.”

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• Grim, dry pizza that Bath Matt made one night.

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• A subscription recipe “classic beef chili,” which she says is “amazing!!”

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This “amazing” beer with recipe subscription service lo mein noodles and chicken. Kathy calls it:

Another winner and chicken dinner!

• White bean and sausage soup from her recipe-subscription service:

Loved all the parsley on top. It’s soup season y’all.

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She ends by noting that it was

2 days till my birf-day!!


Finally, a trembling Kathy reached the anniversary of her birth. She assembled her horrific soccer shoes, her ketchup, her many hair bands, and her selfie-o-matic for some in-your-face, better-than-you health-shaming….

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….a reminder that she could have had (and deserved) breakfast in bed, but took to the field instead, because she is just so super sporty,

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….and even a digital report card proclaiming her the technical valedictorian of swinging the arm upon which she’s clamped her bruxism-recalling “Jawbone” fitness device:

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Congratulations for “outstep”ping the other women in this world who are just trying to get in shape too, Kathy. Good heavens.

What else has been going on in Kathy’s life apart from her blog? Well, Instagram tells us that she’s been getting makeup in the mail and still watching the first nine seasons of “Survivor” that aired before she started watching in 2005.

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Her child is being allowed to smear paint on stuff in the safe confines of “pre-school,” far from Mother’s White Couch in the No-Food-Allowed Room. Actually, the strangest part of this photo comes from a commenter who says it makes her “sad” that Carbz is making “structured” art, as though he’s being sent off to sew zippers into anoraks at a World War 1 era boarding school.

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Carbz also got a haircut! Which is fine. (Why is Kathy holding her breath during it?) The weird part is Kathy trying to turn it into some kind of a charity nudge, and completely faceplanting in her delivery:

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Her photo says “#EveryParent deserves to hold their breath during their child’s first official haircut. @WhiteHouse please fully fund Gavi to make sure millions more parents have that chance.”

Having made “Gavi” sound like some kind of Santa Claus who needs money to administer haircuts for deserving tots, Kathy chimes back in to say “Click the hash tag! I’m supporting an organization campaigning for vaccines.” After being told by subsequent commenters that the hashtag isn’t clickable, Kathy just gives up.

So what is Gavi? It’s the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunizations. Bill and Melinda Gates founded it in 2000. This week, the ONE organization Bono co-founded is trying to get people to encourage the American administration to pledge $1 billion to GAVI in the next four years. There’s a petition ONE wants people to sign, or people can call the White House comment line (888-213-2881) and tell the operator, “I am asking President Obama to help save 6 million children’s lives by pledging $1 billion over the next four years to GAVI, the Vaccine Alliance. Thank you,” and say you want to submit it as a comment. And there’s the #EveryParent thing where you hashtag something on Instagram to spread awareness, like these people did:

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Kathy’s also giving back to the world by Instagramming a photo of peanut butter with a charity tie-in it sounds like she was given for free:

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Good on you, Kathy. But enough about starving, unvaccinated children. If you can stand the excitement, Kathy will be posting about her real passion — what she thinks about 17 different pumpkin-flavored beers — on Tuesday.

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Hopefully, this will bring her out of the daily depression she feels about the Dixie Chicks being “no more.”

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Anyone want to tell her the band literally toured last year? Nah, I didn’t think so.

P.S. Holy shit, Louis Pasteur’s Undead Chicken Flock (fm Black Honey of the Shadowy Clinique). I subscribed to Lisa Schmeiser’s “So What, Who Cares?” newsletter the moment you recommended it and am currently in giggling, drooling awe of the Martha Stewart “punk party” comments section she points readers to.


And good on Martha for not deleting the riptide of hilarity.

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KERF Recaps, What Day Is This Again?: Kathy Eats a Free Restaurant Meal, Molests Some Free Shrimp, Eats a Free Charity Dinner, Talks About Her Pedometer, and Lists Some Stuff She Bought

Our Kathy starts out this last week with a post about how a restaurant called Burton’s gave her and Bath Matt a meal in exchange for a “recap.”

Kathy says she had always thought she was better than said restaurant, but then sat down with a free glass of wine (and a free beer for Bath Matt) and decided she would give up her standards for some comped entrees she didn’t have to share under the guise of being dainty:

I have to be totally honest and say that we had debated going to Burton’s before but thought it would be just another classic American restaurant …. But I humbly eat my words after our visit – we were very impressed. This is not a typical chain restaurant, and the food was top notch.

Everyone was so very nice and excited to have us there.

The restaurant’s executive chef gave them a tour and recommended a plate of four rice fritters. Kathy was very impressed that they made dishes to order, which meant that they were

able to make a dish without onions (yeah!)

Kathy says she “didn’t expect” that the “dressings, sauces, and desserts and ….. pickles” would be made at the restaurant either.

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You know what that means: Dishes that have onions in them? She could tell them to leave that shit off.

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She could barely get a handle on her emotions about that before realizing that the fritters she ordered

were coated in panko and stuffed with sausage!

And, that the $10 beet salad they shared would be so “amazing, especially with the layer of goat cheese and candied nuts.” Why’s that?

Loved the presentation! They told us they toss the beets in the homemade Dijon dressing shortly after they come out of the oven and the beets soak up the flavor, making them a lot less earthy.

Oh, but it was the free $22 “Autumn Pork” that “had [her] at hello.”

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She makes a special point of noting that her husband liked his $21 steak and fries, but that her choice “was the best.”

Sweet / savory my love!

The pork tenderloin came with a stuffing made of DONUTS!!!!!! This dish was the bomb!

First off, this was the best pork I’ve had in my life. Chef said it’s their perfect brining technique – 12 hours no more no less. I usually think of pork as dry and thinly sliced, but this was thick and succulent like prime rib. It was so tender I barely had to chew! It was served with a blueberry gastrique. And of course the donut stuffing was life changing.

They concluded their meal feeling “totally stuffed” after a concluding course of port, a Key lime pie Kathy describes insultingly as “really, really good …. expectations were totally exceeded,” and the commentary that it’s really awesome they have a kids’ menu called “B Choosy.”

I suppose this is since Kathy’s 2-year-old, presumably eating a fitful dinner in parts unknown, is such a disagreeable hellion when it comes to ingesting meals. (But not actually.)

Apart from the free dinner, Kathy’s weekend was pretty lame. Their neighbors came over, they drank a wine they just brought back from Sonoma,

and crunched apple crisp for dessert!!

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I threw the crisp together with a topping made from oats, flour, brown sugar, and butter. Our freshly picked apples were underneath. Delish, but it needed about 10x more topping!

On Saturday, Bath Matt didn’t have to work, so he stayed home and made Kathy “Blended oats with apple crisp on top!!” To match his level of dedication to having a good night’s sleep, Kathy

took the day completely off of exercise. I was coming off of a week of really hard workouts and needed to rest my legs. No walking – nothing! It was great, especially with a soccer game on the horizon.

They went to a brewery and had a flight of beers—

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— ate a grim salad —

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— went to a butcher’s event that was offering free samples

While [the Three Notch’d pumpkin beer] was pretty low in alcohol (4.5%) it was pretty good for such a drinkable pumpkin!

— where Kathy bought cheese, wine, and a copy of a “beautiful book about the local food scene in Charlottesville.”

They stumbled home to clean, ate

Leftover noodles, sautéed eggplant, zucchini and mushrooms, plus a jar of our canned tomato sauce. Grated mozzarella on top!

and re-watched old seasons of “Survivor”:

I have watched seasons 10-17 and am jumping back to watch a few older ones before continuing on. Love that show.

Don’t think that their day was all fun. Kathy

ended up pushing through and doing more food prep

so that she could keep up with the tremendous plans of Sunday:

She’s sort of vaguebraggy about those, promising details in subsequent posts. (We’ll read about her dinner in Wednesday’s post.)

On Tuesday, the ominous-sounding Shrimp Council gave Kathy money for

a pasta party

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With these diverse ingredients, she was trying to make a pasta-squash-bacon-cheese-yeast-garlic thing that served as

comfort foods …. [and] all things orange!

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She made a “not super heavy” recipe she says has “richness” because of “bacon and parmesan cheese,” but that’s okay because most of it is

nutritious butternut squash, spices and lighter shrimp. A few tablespoons of nutritional yeast amp up the cheese factor and bring lots of B vitamins along for the ride. Use whole wheat pasta for extra fiber.

The Shrimp Council and its partner, Cuisinart, apparently gave her a “shiny new” food processor — even though she already had a Cuisinart food processor — and her neighbors gave her a squash, so that she could make some crappy meal with too many ingredients.

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Oh, but if you’re a basic bitch who’s not as cool as Kathy, and you don’t have the awesome amount of time she has because she’s so great,

you could easily use canned squash or pumpkin and cut this recipe time in half : )

She boiled 3 cups of squash she got free from a neighbor, drained it, and pureed it with “veggie broth.”

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She then advises to cook 4 slices of bacon in a skillet; She then cooks a pound of shrimp in the bacon grease, because she can avoid cleaning.

You’re then supposed to make pasta, but less of it than normal, because a magazine says so (I think?) and Kathy wants to mention that she had fresh pasta, but if you’re a dumb poor idiot who can only afford regular people Barilla, she supposes that will manage to suffice:

Cook your pasta – ooo la la! I went with fresh pasta for extra pizzazz but you could easily use dried.

With everything cooked and sitting around getting cold, Kathy finally cooked 2 large cloves of garlic in an unwashed skillet, then added the squash puree, 1/4 cup of cheese, two tablespoons of nutritional yeast, and measly amounts of spices (a half-teaspoon of smoked paprika and two pinches of nutmeg) —

Turn your skillet heat back to low and add in your garlic. I didn’t wash my skillet so that the bacon and shrimp brown bits would provide lots of flavor and the fat still in the skillet would serve as my cooking oil for the garlic.

— then a pound of already-cooked pasta, garnished with thyme,

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“gently mixed” shrimp and bacon, and concluded that she’d made a

fancy pasta dish loaded with cheesy squash sauce, succulent shrimp and crispy bacon!

But let’s be real – it’s not that fancy, it’s just gooood : )

Kathy returns Wednesday with a third sponsored post in a row. This one is (nominally) about Charlottesville’s Local Food Hub, a food-distribution non-profit a former fakery employee works for. Kathy says she could totally understand the demands of their administrative toil, since

We home cooks know how tedious it can be to keep vegetables from going bad in the fridge

She’s writing about the place because, the previous Sunday, she and Bath Matt were offered another free dinner at Verulam Farm — because it wasn’t like they were going to pay their own money to celebrate the 5-year-anniversary of the organization. She threw on her bridesmaid boots and her automatic subscription service jacket:

Dress was “comfortable, warm, fall festive,” and the atmosphere matched.

Kathy thinks it’s pretty witty that she says she “feasted on hors d’oeuvres by Feast!”

She name-drops the places where the booze came from, says there were other “bites” that were “delicious” and ham and sweet potato biscuits that were “GREAT!” and says that

The dinner was prepared by a team of all-female chefs.

By which I suppose she means that all of the people who prepared the food were biologically female and adhered to conventional cis-gender roles. I think? As Oatsiedog far-more-eloquently put it,

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There was a squash soup (with one kind of wine), followed by lamb, grits, and ragu (with a different wine) and a cheese plate with another kind of wine.


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They ended the evening with a hard cider, raspberries, pears “drizzled” in caramel, and a caramel cake Kathy wished she would have smuggled a slice from:

What I would do for another slice this morning!!

She ends by namedropping who she and Bath Matt sat next to, and saying that “we hope to support the Local Food Hub any way we can.” You know, except for going so far as to pay for their own tickets. Fuck that, I guess.

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Thursday’s post is, yes, really, yet another fucking sponsored entry. This one was sponsored by that company, Mandible, that sent her that plastic bracelet that tracks her movement, the one that she got because it would be a shock therapy way to

act as a reminder that it’s the everyday moments that add up to good health.

She’s decided that she likes it because it has one of those ubiquitous “smart” alarm apps that’s supposed to wake you up when it senses that you’re sleeping lightly. Because it’s not like you can get that function from any number of free apps that run off your phone and make it so that you don’t have to wear a chunky slap bracelet while you sleep.

I set mine to wake me up within 30 minutes (before or after) of 7am when I entered light sleep. It’s also the most gentle alarm that buzzes on your wrist – no obnoxious loud sounds or phones to fumble with!

Apparently, it’s kind of a crappily functioning alarm, and it has woken Kathy up before when she’s in the middle of scrunched-brow exercise, but it does give her the ability to complain about her 2-year-old, which is very important:

One day when I went to 6am athletic conditioning it “woke me up” right at 6:30 in the middle of the class thinking “Boy she is in really light sleep!” I was most definitely awake then ; )

get a new hat, jerk.

get a new hat, jerk.

But overall, this feature is great because it gives me an extra 30-45 minutes before Mazen wakes up to get the day started. (He has been my alarm clock for 2 years!) Mission accomplished!

She also likes being able to track that she sleeps between 7 hours and 25 minutes and 9 hours and 23 minutes a night.

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oh shut up.

She notes:

I guess I’m pretty tired because I’m always asleep in under 12 minutes and sometimes as little as 4.

Tired? From what? Googling recipes that you can take the onions out of, and responding to emailed offers of free shit with OMG YES?

I think there are other words for her condition:

Why is she so tired? Because of her inconvenient toddler, duh:

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On the downside, Kathy admits next that she didn’t drink her aimed-for 64 ounces of water a day:

I still suck at drinking water! But I will say it improved a little bit …. I am drinking more tea, so that counts for something!

But, she brags uncomfortably, she

rocked the step goal! My most recent 5 day average was 12,665 steps.

I do wear my Jawbone all the time, so it counts my workouts and I also wore it during a soccer game and hit nearly 20,000 steps that day! Again, why didn’t I walk around the block to finally see a 20,000!? Another soccer day I was at 19,938 – so close! I’ve come close but haven’t crossed over to the 20s yet.

Not that she’s even thinking about shitting on a potential sponsor by talking about what she liked less with the FitBit exercise-logging bracelet her friend lent her.

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She lists a few superficial differences (battery life, logging problems, one being more “modern looking,” one having a “clunkier” band and a “not quite as visual” band) I mean, what if Kathy says something critical about it and that turns them away from wanting to send her free products in the future?!

All out of people giving her free stuff that could be written about as independent entries, Kathy ends the week with a “New Finds” post where she talks about things she’s bought, been given, or been involved with for some sort of cringe-inducing promotional purpose recently:

• Three $35 fake travel posters she “read about …. in one of [her] magazines — I think it was Coastal Living.” She thinks they “are the perfect beach house décor.”

• Two colors of Born sandals:

I’m one of those types where when I find something I love and I want it in All The Colors. I was browsing the net one day …. before I knew it they were on the way to my house. Y’all know I love me some comfortable shoes that I can dress up and dress down….

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• A rumpled towel with a tiny “EatRealFood” hashtag that someone sent her from Etsy.

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• Marshmallow ice cream that’s only available in Charlottesville:

Her Toasted Marshmallow wins for BEST ICE CREAM EVER! She uses real toasted marshmallows that she roasts herself! I special order pints regularly.

• A $78 gift set of Oscar de la Renta perfume

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so that she could prove what a fancy nose she has:

I am a bit perfume obsessed and can often pick out what someone is wearing by standing next to them. (“Are you wearing Ralph Lauren Blue!?” I asked a women at the farmer’s market. She was floored.) When I went on the Hershey trip earlier this summer I sat next to one of the girls on the trip there and she smelled WONDERFUL! I asked her what the scent was and she told me Oscar de la Renta Live In Love. 

• Some sunglasses for her 2-year-old that cost $17 each, which she says is “not cheap.”

• A travel-ready perfume container so that she can apply her immature scent profile to herself as soon as she leaves the gym.

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It’s nice, she says, except that Kathy’s kind of squeamish to recommend it because it looks like a buttplug or something:

My only complaint is it looks like something ….personal…..due to the double rounded tips!! Wish they would square it off.

• An e-book that the blogger Fitnessisisisisisista sent her.

It provides a wonderful foundation for creating a blog and turning it into a business. I’ve been blogging for years and pulled a few really good tips away, but I think those just starting out would get a lot out of it too. Gina’s voice is great – very personal and relatable.

It doesn’t seem like the tips suggest giving entries a quick once-over before hitting “publish,” because Kathy refers to the edition she received as a “previous.” Oh boy.

• Another book another blogger gave her. This one is called “The Nesting Place” by the lady who writes at the blog called “The Nester.” Kathy’s review?

This book was AMAZING. So, so good. I looked forward to getting cozy in bed and reading a chapter every night. This isn’t just a decorating book – it’s about how you feel about your home. It was life changing for me, and I want to read it again!

Kathy says that “a large part of what I took away from it” can be summed up in two quotes:

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• Although it’s not something she obtained, Kathy shoehorned in a mention for some company called “Plate Joy” that charges people to deliver ingredients from grocery stores asked her for some of her recipes. Why? Because.

She also, apparently, wants to start up a monthly newsletter, and have people subscribe to have her daily posts emailed to them. I’m not sure what the point of any of this would be — but it doesn’t sound like she is either. Nearing the end of the month, let’s just hope Kathy has the sense to not echo her end-of-month conclusions about September by talking about how, thanks to her ability to live a life in nut butter-blinders and magazine-walking ignorance, she’s had the most amazing, sadness-free October ever.

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