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STUFT Mama: DINK dink, dink DINK dink DINK DINK dink…

Hamcats, I want to start by giving Stuft a little credit for something that I don’t really get to highlight in my recaps. She actually does (IMHO) a really nice job both describing and portraying the Wonder Twins as unique and engaging individuals, instead of only “twins.” One of the things that she has made apparent over the past year, backed up by the videos she posts, is that one brother tends to be more of a ham for the camera than the other. In an age where so many mommybloggers (HLB and otherwise) are invested in remaking their kids into something blogworthy, Stuft is really making an important, the-personal-is-political point in capturing such fundamental differences between her sons.

At least, I have to assume she’s trying to make a point. Why else would she illustrate her Thanksgiving message with a photo of one brother smiling and proudly displaying an art project, with the other brother grimacing beside him?

Ha ha ha.

…And then later reveal there were (at least) two additional photo attempts of the same moment that flattered *both* brothers?

Thanksgiving offers an excellent opportunity for various bloggers to prove how not disordered they are by choosing from a variety of surprisingly HLB-friendly foods: poultry breast, sweet potatoes, squash/pumpkin pie. Stuft added an extra spinning class onto her scheduled eight mile run, so she was pumped for a show of Turkey Day gluttony!


Unsweetened soy green tea latte with two shots of espresso

Stuft explains that she only gets expensive drinks when she has earned one through free rewards. The rest of the world explains that the way to earn free drinks at Starbucks is to buy other expensive drinks.

Because excessive Instagramming has been a point of marital contention for the Stufts in the past, I was originally pleased to see NO photos posted from Thanksgiving dinner with extended family. As we will later see, however, Grandma Stuft has a little extra leverage over her daughter at the moment, which is a more likely explanation than actual reflection and maturity. Oh well. At least she is using her powers for good.

Stuft indulges in Black Friday decadence with a new delivery of egg whites. By the gallon. With a pump.

As usual, she pretends this is adequate fuel for a 10.6 mile tr–

As I was saying, a 10.6 mile trail r–

Stuft doesn’t even bother to mention how eleven miles of trail running fits into her precious training plan (fun fact: it doesn’t), but honestly, it’s hard to hate on her for getting away from the treadmill and doing something with a friend, even if it’s running related.

Meanwhile, she and Roid Rooster have a laundry list of other Black Friday deals/shills (you, yes YOU, can get $156 worth of egg whites for the low, low price of $118! Never mind that your family raises chickens and so has a steady supply of eggs for free!), and a Very Special Announcement:

Stuft’s commentary:

Only 1 mile a day for the next 36 days.

Yes! I’m super excited for Stuft. It’s actually a really good idea for runners and other endurance athletes to take about a full month off each year–the lack of training is more than made up, in the long run, by the benefits to the heart and other muscles of a full month of recovery. A mile a day is nice to stay loose and blow off some steam, and–

I’ll get the family in on this.

I’m trying to convince the whole family to make the trip with my to the Phoenix Marathon at the end of February. There is a free kids 1K and a 10K, so hopefully we can all work things out.

Do you hear that, Stuft Daddy? Hopefully “we” can all “work things out.”

And also, fuck the fangirls who are encouraging Stuft to run with her five-year-old sons because “it changes how they think about running.” GOMI, fangirls.

Last Saturday, Stuft taught boot camp class and immediately followed it with an eleven mile run. According to her training plan, she was supposed to run 44 miles over the week. How did you do with that, Stuft?

I think my totally mileage was somewhere between 45-50 miles. I’m not even sure.

Well…*I* am sure, because unlike Stuft I actually read her blog. In fact she ran 52 miles and added at least two extra aerobics classes on to her schedule. 99.9999999999% of the world looks at that statistic and says, “Holy shiitake.” Stuft looks at that statistic and says:

I have been eating way too many not so healthy desserts, snacks, dinners.

Well gosh. Whatever could Stuft be eating that is so unhealthy?

Friday night date night with the biggest chicken burrito ever

All right, guacamole, sour cream, shredded cheese…I could see the “biggest chicken burrito” ever having possibilities!

Well…okay…if not that, then how about

Nachos!

Yes! Nachos. Deep-fried tortilla chips, oozy-goozy Chernobyl cheese, fluffy refried beans, thick and slurpy sour cream–

The Mountain and the Viper Have Jaundice?

“Squashos.”

Stuft also cooked a weekend meal for her family:

They were really impressed with my pancakes though and said they were the best they’ve ever had. Want to know my secret?

Yes! Pancakes are the best. Share your secret!

I followed the directions on the box for a change.

Stuft finishes up her weekend with what is clearly supposed to be vagueblogging about “schedule changes” and “being somewhere at a certain time.” Alas, anyone with a passing grade in ADLT 101 can tell from her hints that she’s about to start a real job, like the kind of real job that doesn’t involve burning calories to dance music. I’m hopeful, for the sake of Stuft and her family, that some of the ramped-up EDness of the past two weeks has been stress over the changing situation and that things will calm down a little as she settles in to her new job and schedule.

One good thing is that Grandma Stuft is able, willing, and even happy to provide babysitting services. Awesome. I hope the Boy Destructors are having grand adventures away from gym day care.

Stuft’s first full week at work brings a slightly erratic blogging schedule, which is expected, but surprisingly regular Instagramming (and not of work! Stuft Mama 10, Clare Brady -100,000), which wasn’t. So Stuft sums up her Monday and Tuesday running together:

My last two days I’ve done a pretty darn good job of being in the 5 am workout club. I had a 4:45 am wake up Monday and 4:30 am wake up today.

As Stuft heads into her second week of being opaque about the overall mileage and shape of her training plan, I thought it would be useful to assess what she’s doing “on the plan” in comparison to blundering on her own. Pretty much every serious generic training plan alternates hard runs and short, easy (recovery) runs or cross-training leading up to a long, slow run on the weekends. Generally 18 miles is a physiological barrier that you should only cross in very limited conditions (for example, during a marathon). A full day of rest is crucial for consolidating cardio and strength gains of the week and warding off injury.

Pre-plan Stuft would normally do haphazard weekday runs of 5-11 miles topped off with a peanut-free nutball long run north of 20 miles. These first two weeks on her plan have her running 7-8 miles per weekday and a limited long run of 10-12 miles. I admit that I don’t consider eight miles at marathon pace+30 seconds to be a “recovery run,” but maybe that’s because I don’t have a doctor background.

…Oh. You mean Pfitzinger, Hanson, Higdon (who maybe should not count because his education is in…fine art), Galloway, Daniels, and Noakes agree with me? Huh.

Still, I’m proud of Stuft for even *mostly* sticking to the schedule. I imagine giving up the precious calorie burn of that long run is tough. But it’ll be worth it in the end! After all, her coach has put together a custom plan alternating speedwork (hard) and aerobic (slower) runs on specific days for maximum effect!

I switched up the days with my training plan and decided to do the harder/faster workout on Monday after a rest day rather than Tuesday.

Ahhhyiyi #*($^@OI# FDSlkj es;husEB. Stuft. You have a pattern. A history. An every goddamn time of crashing at mile 20. If you want to get better YOU NEED TO PRACTICE RUNNING HARD ON TIRED LEGS.

KERF, stay at home mom with nothing to do but wait until her son is finally ready for another nap, wins what she thinks are Relatability Points(TM) but are actually a failing grade in adulting with her confession:

“I try to get my salad on the table as fast as possible. This ritual has almost become a game to me to see how fast I can assemble lunch while dirtying the least number of dishes.”

As a newly-working mother, it’s much more understandable that Stuft would seek a similarly effic–

Wednesday, Stuft broke out a new pair of $pon$ored shoes for…another 8 mile run at marathon pace+30 seconds.

She also let slip, inadvertently, that her new job is actually her old job–PE teacher. I am not sure how I feel about her as a health/fitness mentor to children. The visceral reaction says BEAVIS MARY AND JOSEPH FUCK NO. On the other hand, very few people are as motivated to prevent others from falling into EDs as those currently suffering or recently suffered. After all, having anorexia makes you skinny and special (fuck bulimia. Bulimia makes you fat). Other people shouldn’t have that.

^^The most unrealistic part of Mean Girls
is when the Girls Who Don’t Eat Anything
sit together in the cafeteria. And smile.

Stuft does say that she is thrilled to be back teaching PE again and is having a blast, which honestly doesn’t surprise me. I think she gets a genuine charge out of being a leader and an inspiration–a teacher. But adjusting to the schedule is tough! Fortunately, she’s discovered two super-secret tricks to help get her through the tough moments:

1.

Setting out workout gear for early morning workouts is genius and saves so much time in the morning.

Congratulations, Stuft. At only age 37 you have already learned to sleep in pajamas instead of sweaty workout clothes that you’re re-wearing to save on laundry. Here’s your merit badge in Sustainable Relationships.

2.

Coke Zero is everything I thought it would be the other afternoon after not having any sort of diet soda for over a year and a half. Yeah, that’s right, I have nothing to hide friends. It was awesome.

Another reason to be hopeful about Stuft’s new job: it has sharply reduced the number of aerobics classes she can teach per week. While I can’t help but wish she found employment that had nothing to do with fitness or running, at least it gives her a solid block of day to get out of her own house and head and think about things besides burning calories–

You know, an activity tracker/step counter like the FitBit can be a really valuable tool for someone who wants or needs to lose weight for health reasons and has never really worked out regularly. It can also be useful for people who have seated/office jobs and are conscious of the statistics about how prolonged sitting can negate the benefits of concentrated daily workouts.

It has no goddamn place on the wrist of someone with a history of a competitive eating disorder.

And she got it for free from the company. To promote their product. You know, I’m not a fan of when companies send Stuft and other disordered bloggers things like hair vitamins or special pillowcases to review. Enabling people to profit off their eating disorders not only glamorizes EDs to their readers, it makes it even harder for the promoters to want to recover.

But when the specific product itself enables a disorder?

This week, Stuft uses her calorie scorekeeper as an excuse to do laps around the mall with the Wonder Brothers while waiting for Santa to show up.

Despite giving the product ONE HUNDRED STARS out of ten and EIGHT THUMBS UP and an A++++ (like every product every blogger shills), Stuft continues to be frustrated with its accuracy on the treadmill. Her Friday workout is 10 miles, with 5 miles of faster running in the middle (basically a tempo run). In re the run itself, Stuft observes:

It was weird holding a faster pace (7 min/mile) for longer than I’ve been used to, but then again, it wasn’t that bad.

Sustained running at faster paces, instead of just mile or shorter repeats, is terrific for increasing marathon speed, so I’m happy for Stuft! But then she adds:

I really wish that my Fitbit charge would give me full credit though for my miles.

Annnnd now I understand why she says the FitBit doesn’t count treadmill miles.

Activity trackers and newer GPS watches don’t actually count *steps*–they use an internal accelerometer to measure arm swinging. As a result, rocking out on guitar or drums could count as “steps.” On the other hand, actual steps won’t count if your arms are stationary, such as if you are pushing a stroller. Or, you know, holding onto the treadmill arms.

Tell us again how that pace wasn’t so hard, Stuft.

Saturday brings an important development chez Stuft:

We’d like to introduce you to Mowgli Bowgli and Rocky Rocket.

I know this has been in the works for a couple of months, so I’m not going to knock the decision to bring two new kitties into the household right when both adults are suddenly working full-time or near full-time again. Honestly, Andrew is the zookeeper, but the entire family is obviously mad for animals. After losing a cat, a dog, and a parrot over the summer, it’s no accident that the Demolition Brothers were asking for stuffed animals for Christmas. I’m happy for them.

I also need to make a retraction. I’ve snarked on her in the past for the juxtaposition of pushing that Juicing with Jesus devotional but only worshipping at the Church of the Sunday Long Run. It turns out the family does church on Saturday night. So I retract that snark and apologize to the Stufts.

With Sunday as a bona fide rest day from running (Go Coach Jason, and more importantly, GO STUFT!) as well as a day off from work, Stuft finally has time to sit down and enjoy a nice relaxing meal with her family!

That…ahem…”egg white salad” prompts Stuft to muse on the upcoming holidays:

I’m seriously thinking of ditching my normal holiday cookie baking and just giving some of this hot sauce as gifts instead.

Because nothing says “Welcome to the world, baby Jewish Messiah” like bacon sauce.

In a week of shills, Stuft’s biggest one is for Pro Compression tights. This is actually one of her more well-written reviews/shills (and it’s definitely her writing–one thing I will say for her in comparison with other fitness bloggers/IGers, she does use quote boxes where applicable). Any old blogger or Running Warehouse description can explain what the company thinks the benefits of compression tights are. It takes Stuft to point out:

Nicely stitched crotch. That’s always important, right?

Stuft hasn’t been able to test out the tights while running, of course, because she lives in Southern California. Nice move, ProCompression. On the other hand, she assures us they are wonderfully comfortable for 12 hours of decorating for Christmas.

And then, after a few pictures of wonderful, lived-in, definitely not bloggertwee Christmas decorations, Stuft has to go and break my heart.

I had to explain to a student that my hands weren’t dirty, they were just purple because they were freezing.

“I used to shiver like that.”

I like the cold weather but my body doesn’t.

“I used to sweat.”

Because I have low circulation

“Uh huh I used to be a junkie.”

I said this on Stuft’s GOMI thread and I will say it again here. Everyone has their own ED low point. The day I discovered my hands were so cold that pushing down the guitar strings just hurt too fucking much to play, I cried and cried. I don’t remember if my fingers turned red or purple or white. I just remember I couldn’t touch anything without pain.

Goddammit, why would you post this? Is this a cry for help? Stuft. Please. Get help. Your hands are cold because your heart can’t pump blood to them; it’s straining to pump enough blood just to power your vital organs while barely having the energy to do that. Your mom is already taking care of your kids while you work and could probably step up if you needed inpatient or intensive outpatient. I GIVE YOU PERMISSION. YOU ARE “SICK ENOUGH.”

On Monday, Stuft ran 11.11 miles, taught 13,300 steps’ worth of PE, and went back to the gym for multiple aerobics classes in the evening.

Stuft stats!

Chances that Stuft’s training plan was actually 11 miles: 0

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KERF Recaps: Kathy Eats More Salad Than You, You Bottled-Dressing-Eating Loser

As usual for her Monday post, Kathy shares some brand new information that she had “such a lovely …. really, really nice” Thanksgiving — not only for all the reasons she gave thanks for on the previous Friday (chief among them ice cream and Pottery Barn) but also because

This is the only weekend of the year that we all get a few days off in a row just to hang out at home

I guess most of us can identify with that.

(and we aren’t on a vacation somewhere).

Oh, hang the fuck on. This year alone, Kathy spent

• a “party week” vacationing with her family and Bath Matt’s family in Key West in February

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• a four-day family trip in March to Marco Island, Fla., for the fakery convention

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• an anniversary weekend in Alexandria, Va. in June

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• a July weekend in Pennsylvania at a family reunion

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• one week in July on the beach in North Carolina

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• another week in August on Bald Head Island, NC

Why didn't you put this one on the Christmas card, Kathy?

Why didn’t you put this one on the Christmas card, Kathy?

• a four-day vacation to California wine country in September

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• and two-day trips to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, to Miami in May, to Pennsylvania in July, and to Colorado in October, courtesy of the National Dairy Council, Nokia, Hershey, and Celestial Seasonings, respectively.

367461496Yes, I suppose Kathy’s life is clearly lacking in time at home and time with her family, apart from her four family vacations, two couples’ vacations, four all-expenses-paid jaunts, and the 48 other weekends a year she spends with them.

Suddenly, there’s a sandwich that appears out of nowhere in the post!

Kathy informs her readers that it contained leftovers from Thanksgiving and was

pretty epic …. Toasted warm. Yum!!

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Um, okay? Was there a reason she had to get all POV with the sandwich but couldn’t clean up the fakery dust or cranberry clot? There’s no time for answers, as Kathy wants to talk about a cocktail party at BFF Sarah’s house. Kathy knows she’s going out of order, but doesn’t care:

Rewinding back to just before the holiday, we went to a cocktail party at my friend Sarah’s.

With her boundaries as typically lopsided as her full-sized lentil pucks on sliced-in-half fakery rolls, Kathy shares that she and Sarah “wanted our parents to meet,” but doesn’t say why or show any photos of KERF’s parents overjoyed at getting to meet the parents of the girl their daughter wants to be (in addition to gestating an OMGsecond baby, Sarah also knows how to wrangle real live candles AND set a table so that there’s room for food) or BFFSarah’s parents thrilled to meet the parents of the girl who keeps putting their daughter and grandson on her diet blog and talking about her appetite for tacos.

Kathy and Bath Matt “were in charge of bread, alcohol and dessert,” because Sarah is smart and knows that those are the only three things the Younger-Smugsons can get excited for/have in cheap abundance.

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 7.36.49 PM

Sarah’s seen what happens when Kathy pretends to feed guests, and it results in the cheese and sausage plate at lower left. And pumpkin beer. And nothing else.

Kathy’s narration then takes us to the Friday before the weekend, which includes the following stupid things:

• A reminder that while you were probably shopping, Kathy was “hitting the Black Friday….gym!”

• Being put out about a sick child who was allowed at the dining room table to take his cup of pink amoxicillin on Friday: “we were also dealing with double ear infections that were thankfully much, much better on Thanksgiving Day.”

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 8.05.53 PM

• A gross salad for lunch:

I made a cranberry sauce salad dressing with olive oil, dried rosemary, and Dijon mustard. My salad also had goat cheese and honey toasted peanuts. Plus more cranberry sauce! 

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 8.06.08 PM

• A Friday evening outing with the stupidly nicknamed “Uncle Brain” to a free city tree-lighting thing to see “Matt’s BFF Jeff” (the former employee who inexplicably makes them jambalaya).

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 10.20.40 PM

She includes a crappy, blurry photo and says,

He’s the trumpet in the middle!

No he’s not, even though I have no doubt that a brass instrument could make better jambalaya than Our Kathy.

This has spinach and Greek yogurt in it. In other words, it's "dip."

This has spinach and Greek yogurt in it. In other words, it’s “dip.”

• “Margs!!” at Kathy’s “new favorite” taco restaurant. The self-proclaimed “foodie” tells us why it’s her favorite, saying the food she ordered was “delicious!!!” and the food she ordered for her kid and ate some of herself was “quite yummy.” She also posts a photo of her toddler chewing tentatively on a chip, and calls him “The chip monster.”

Adding exclamation points and a smile doesn’t change the fact that you’re this guy, Kathy.

• A juice-box-sized Saturday breakfast she actually made for her family and their guest: “cranberry sauce smoothies” that she “loved” and decided produced “one of the best smoothies” she’s ever had, probably because it has actual non-hidden sugar in it.

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 8.38.29 PM

• A holiday day with a guest in which she demonstrated how much she enjoyed his company and wanted to treat him to a special vacation by “watching many hours of Survivor!!” on Saturday.

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• Serving her parents leftovers from Thanksgiving. Even in the kibble-sized cubes Kathy’s deigned to put on her plate, the meat appears to have succumbed to something during what I can only speculate was a T.E. Lawrence-style crossing of the Nefud Desert since Thursday’s holiday.

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• Uselessly saying  “Easy does it” about having eaten eggs and toast and a clementine on Sunday.

• A feast-obliterating walk listening to “Serial,”

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“Cool thanks!!” The new “No awesome”?

followed by “a family hike” where she goes all Joan Crawford-racing-her-daughter-in-the-pool on Toddler Carbz, saying he couldn’t make it through the whole 2-mile trail and “got quite tired after a while : )” but walked “a good bit,” because it’s not like a trail has ever winded Kathy before.

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Never attempt a strenuous hike without pearl earrings.

• A salad Bath Matt made out of goat cheese, honey peanuts, fakery croutons, and “leftover meat.”

• These two sentences:

We skipped nap in the afternoon and headed to Pippin Hill for a wine tasting and playing outside. Loooooved Jacob Allen’s old school country tunes!!

The discomfort gene: passed on from both sides of the family.

The discomfort gene: passed on from both sides of the family.

At least one commenter thinks the winery was a stupid thing too:

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 10.20.51 PM

Tuesday’s post is supposedly about how Kathy really thinks that an “ideal” salad is all about balancing “nutrition and flavor.”

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 10.24.08 PM

A whole grain. Like, one oat, or a lentil?

Whatever. It’s not. It’s a typical post in which going on about “nutrition,” “macronutrients,” “healthy fats,” “long-lasting complex carbohydrates,” and how she “go[es] super healthy with local greens” is used only as a carrier for sugar, resulting in candied almonds and salad dressing that she says tastes like a Creamsicle ice cream bar:

If Kathy were more transparent, she would be a Japanese skeleton flower in the rain.

In any case, sugar livens up her writing, and she giddily calls her resulting double-sugar-topped salad

this one smashing Hugh Jass salad!

Do tell us how you did it:

Screen Shot 2014-12-07 at 10.25.55 PMThough it lacks the “bonus points” of the first recipe, it’s her recipe for candied almonds that’s truly innovative, in that she introduces the one sixteenth of a teaspoon measurement — you know, for when you feel like you have to include some sort of herb or spice, but you really, really don’t want to.

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As for the method, which is so important it’s included in the title, she says you don’t have to make candied almonds in the microwave, but that it’s helpful to do so when you’re “impatient.”

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Kathy shares a caveat on her two ways to make salad more sugary:

I don’t believe you have to have a diet completely void of sugar to be healthy – I just think it needs to be in small doses or on special occasions.

You know, special occasions like when you’re “impatient” for candied almonds.

In the comments, Kathy leaps at the chance to be a salad snob of 30 years ago:

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The result is that she has nothing to say to people like Jeanie:

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Sorry, Jeanie. Next time, maybe comment about “Survivor,” so you can have a conversation as well as learn about “eBay and things.”

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On Wednesday, Kathy got a day off, as her “Guest RD” series continued with an entry about getting enough protein by someone who’s not a blogger, Bryana Piazza.

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Kathy introduces Piazza by saying she

loves Bryana’s devotion to plants …. [and] drooling over her stuffed mushroom recipe below!

Her devotion isn’t just to plants — Piazza actually pops up in the comments section and addresses a ton of reader questions about her guest topic, giving thorough, cheerful, non-defensive answers about protein requirements for people who are trying to lose weight, making sure one eats “complete proteins,” and what happens if you really do eat too much. Piazza’s responses are also properly punctuated, unlike this rare Kathy sighting in the post comments:

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Yes, the conservative Newsmax that sells the anti-vaccination, soy-products-may-lead-to-breast-cancer “Blaylock Wellness Report.” (The American Institute for Cancer Research says that’s bogus.)

Piazza greets Kathy’s readership and explains that, while she’s been a vegetarian since 1994 and is now a vegan,

I want to start off by saying that this post is not intended to shame people into adopting a vegan lifestyle, as I believe that everyone is entitled to their own dietary preferences and personal beliefs.

Oh, good. Because your validation matters enough to fill all the If You Care-brand baking cups in the world, Piazza. I totally paused at the possibility that you might not believe in my right to freebase this Slim Jim Zesty Garlic Monster Stick.

 

In fact, she says, she calls her diet “plant-based” instead of “vegan,” to be an equal-opportunity shamer of both people who eat meat and the similarly disgustos who

….barely eat any plants at all. Their meals include processed and pre-packaged foods such as mock chicken, with long ingredient lists and little nutritional value. I prefer to fill my plate with fresh fruits and vegetables, nut and seeds, whole grains, and legumes.

Piazza says she tells her clients not to follow a vegan diet like her, but to “make the star of the meal the plants, not the meat.” (In this, she’s sort of like Kathy, if Kathy had clients and she nudged them towards her own way of eating by encouraging them to make sugar — preferably harvested from local wedding cake — the star of their diet.) But Piazza says the main thing people worry about is getting enough protein, which is ridiculous because firstly, she eats plenty of tofu, nuts, seeds, and lentils, and secondly, because the RDA for protein is .8 grams per kilogram of body weight —

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— and thanks to this awesome graphic from PopularVegan.com, it’s obviously “relatively easy to meet your protein needs by eating plants!”

Wikipedia says anything can be a complete protein. Bring me my chips.

Wikipedia says anything can be a complete protein. Bring me my chips.

Piazza ends with a recipe that sounds and looks pretty good:

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It’s portobello mushrooms stuffed with just-wilted spinach and artichoke hearts, topped with a dressing that includes yellow miso and apple cider vinegar. Unfortunately, it involves dirtying a skillet, a baking dish, and a food processor (two too many implements for impatient-for-candied-almonds Kathy), includes garlic (albeit the powdered kind) and features “a Creamy Hemp Dressing,” involving actual raw hemp seeds. Kathy can “drool” all she wants — apart from her dalliance with vanilla hemp milk and sponsor-provided hemp-containing granola when she lived in Charlotte years ago, we’re never going to see Kathy get on that superfood train any day soon, no matter how many tablespoons of maple syrup you entice her with.

Also, I doubt eating hemp would make her very popular with her new sponsors over at Newsmax, whose articles about acid reflux are basically softballs for commenters to talk about how President Obama makes them puke, and whose online store sells this sort of stuff:

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Moving on, Thursday’s post is another freaking post about how to make salad dressing, and it’s almost the same exact lackluster-results recipe Kathy posted on Tuesday.

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I guess it’s a new opportunity for her to talk about how much she doesn’t like using more than one dish —

• “….when I come home starving from the gym at lunchtime I try to get my salad on the table as fast as possible. This ritual has almost become a game to me to see how fast I can assemble lunch while dirtying the least number of dishes.”

• “I put my ingredients in the bottom, whisk with my fork, add the greens on top and toss as best I can without too many leaves jumping ship. It works quite well, and it has increased my salad enjoyment one serving at a time – no extra bowls or jars required!”

• “Call me lazy, but I like to think I’m efficient Smile

— or garlic.

• “I don’t know if they use too much onion or garlic or if it’s the preservatives that taste off to me, but many bottled dressings literally leave a bad taste in my mouth long after the salad is gone.”

• “I’ll also add that I often use garlic powder instead of raw garlic because I don’t like any meal that sticks with me all afternoon. However, I totally agree that raw garlic gives a salad dressing an extra layer of delicious! I save it for fancy dinner parties.”

Demonstrating a similar level of time commitment to both her graphics and her attempts at humor, Kathy inserts what she calls this “oh-so-beautifully-designed (=sarcasm)”

three-font graphic “formula” for creating a salad dressing.

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 12.00.04 AMI refuse to believe that anyone out there, first of all, needed Kathy to tell them how to make a salad dressing, and, secondly, is further enlightened by Kathy’s further instruction on the topic:

• The “magic ratio of oil to vinegar is 3:1.”

• “oil is what brings the luxurious richness to your salad”

• To prevent “a soggy salad,” one should “use 1 tablespoon of dressing for 1.5 cups of greens.”

Having said that, Kathy’s readers encompass a group that includes someone who has so many salad dressings they go bad, someone who thinks the mere use of bottled dressing is “sad,” and someone else who thinks there’s a chance Kathy would ever try even a relatively sweet hot sauce like sriracha in her salads.

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Kathy’s said even the Huy Fong sriracha, which has sugar as its second ingredient, is “super spicy and garlicky. Not the best for breath, but it sure adds a kick.”

Kathy ends with her second salad dressing invention of the week, one that sounds lovingly created, one totally worthy of sharing and enriching the lives of the readers she cares so much about, one she

threw together recently to stretch for a few days in a jar

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 12.00.21 AMKathy ends with an appropriate sign-off for a post about thickened liquid:

Happy Crunching!

Friday’s post is the predictable list of what Kathy calls “cut back” foods, which Kathy says was super awesome because she asked herself if healthy foods were what she wanted — and the answer was yes.

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Yikes.

Poor Grandma Buzz doesn’t even get a response back from her daughter, who is busy mangling her intros and thus, asking herself how she ate.

Was this week a little lighter after the big Thanksgiving festivities? Mine was! Squiggly line, all in …. Cravings for pie are low and cravings for kale are high. I love it when my body wants to be totally healthy!

Of course, she follows that with a photo of a breakfast she couldn’t even wait to photograph before tearing into its sweet parts like the titular chomping fish in “Piranha 3D.”

Kathy writes,

What happened to the inside of this toast, we will never know. Unless you were a fly on the wall in my kitchen and saw me eat the gooey inside before it even went in the toaster!

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 1.36.45 AMOh, but that’s just a tiny taste of Kath Tries to Be Kute this week. We also have her attempting sincere children’s programming narration:

Breakfast of eggs, toast and fruit is my very favorite for feeling my best these days.

Then, there’s her trying to write copy for oatmeal commercials:

Of course oatmeal is …. delicious in totally different ways. Stick to your gut and warming you up ways!

Wait, what?

 

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No way did Bath Matt’s mom ever mix up the common expression “stick to your ribs,” which almost 1.8 million search results agree refers to a filling meal, with either the condition of sticking with one’s gut or sticking to one’s guns. The pigheaded manner in which Bath Matt insists “sticks to your gut” is a thing, however, is a fitting example of the latter expressions.

Kathy then runs out of current photos and decides to talk about how she made several meals from her leftover pancake and leftover pancake sandwich from Brookville:

leftover Big Fat Pancake from Brookville for days. Served with a green smoothie for a balancing effect ; )

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This leads to a rarely seen Kathy segment I like to call Pre-Google Stoner Thoughts:

I think more pancake sandwiches need to be invented. The key is to get your pancakes firm enough that they don’t crumble apart in hand. I’m not quite sure how to do that!

Screen Shot 2014-12-08 at 1.46.17 AMYeah, Kathy. It’s a shame no one’s figured that out, apart from The Food Network, Betty Crocker, Serious EatsFood RepublicNom Nom Paleo, a site that doesn’t even DO regular pancakes, Jimmy Dean, and McDonald’s for the last 11 years.

Aside from dinner leftovers, Kathy had lunch with “friends” at a restaurant:

Tamale day! I have been wanting to try these for a while, and sadly it left me a bit underwhelmed.

as well as ate a thing of $4 chili from a food truck and a “side salad,” and put croutons on that loathsome “curdled-but-still-tasted-good broccoli soup” to choke it down.

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Kathy shares photos of three dinners at home — a “delicious winner” of a kale salad she got from The Daily Garnish, squash with tomato sauce

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Watch out, world. There’s a recipe coming.

and chicken, bell pepper, cheese, and yogurt “tacos” that were “Pretty delish!”

I sure love my tacos with a side of pumpkin souffle candle smell.

I sure love my tacos with a side of pumpkin souffle candle smell.

She also had a “big night out!” by seeing a Rolling Stones cover band and having chips, “margs,” tacos and chorizo

at the taco place that just opened that Kathy keeps calling “Yearbook Taco” even though its actual (and even more irritating) name is “Yearbook Taco Bar.”

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Kathy ends the week with a reminder that, not only has she been good, you’re probably not doing nearly as well, and she’ll just be bouncing out the door thinking about that:

Hope you guys are settling into the holiday season well. I’m off to the gym!

 

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