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STUFT Mama: Unsweetened vanilla almond milk, you are dead to me.

Well, BFC, hamcats. What am I supposed to do with this?

My running has really just been kind of take what you can get this week.

I mean–her Friday long run was 5 miles? She didn’t add on any extra fitness classes to her usual schedule? The longest distance she mentioned was eight and a ha

Most coaches and elite runners suggest you should take one week off after a marathon, with a few very light jogs or even easy walks if you get too antsy


In fact, Stuft has promised to save “running chat” for her weekend posts (which, in true form, she will post either while I am writing this recap OR in between the time I submit it and you read it. #hamcatproblems). For now, she’d rather talk about how Strunk & White have revolutionized her life:

What I can get straight though is all this fall business that’s finally going on.

Fall is usually not really my favorite season, but I don’t know. things are a bit different this year

I finally pulled out pajama pants instead of shorts and put our warm comforter back on the bed.

Stuft has even been inspired to make a fall bucket list to, and I am not making this up, “practice our writing skills”:

You’ll notice hers is blank.

The Wonder Brothers, having not yet destroyed their internal temperature regulation through starvation and thus remaining happily aware of San Diego’s year-round surfing, manage to look marginally more excited than Kelle Hampton’s kids for fall arts ‘n crafts time:

I, too, was initially appalled by the sheer extravagance of foam pieces and little googly eyes. But never fear, hamcats, Stuft knows what she’s about:

Thanks to Target for this cheapo kit.

Thrift is a real theme for Stuft this week:

[We did] the pay $7 for a ride on the mall train thing. I thought it was a bit overpriced, but they did get to go on quite a few laps around the mall and they’ve been asking to ride on that thing for almost two years now.

Yup, it’s thrifty to insist that $7 is a lot to spend on a small thing your sons have been asking for for almost half of their lifetimes. It’s perfectly reasonable to drop $35 on a one-shot “Glutes & Ladders” fitness class on a day you’ve already run 10 miles.

What with only running 750% of the distance recommended for the first week after a marathon, Stuft has actually gotten in some of that #timeislove #mamatimeisthebesttime #cherisheveryminute she talks so much about every week except, for some reason, this one.

Like Thursday! Thursday was AMAZING. She got the boys to preschool on time AND went to the mall.

Stepping into Nordstrom is a real treat for thrifty Stuft, because:

I am in workout or running clothes about 95% of the time…I don’t wear makeup often.

Stuft is thrifty, so she must justify her trip to Nordstrom’s makeup counter:

I don’t wear make up often, but the only lip liner I use is Lancome. It is the best and stays on forever,

Seems legit.

even through marathons.

TIL: which lip liner to use for a marathon.

Post-marathon recovery isn’t just about resting your muscles. Healing from long-distance microdamage requires proper nutrition, including sufficient but not excess protein and lots of simple carbohydrates. National Dessert Day couldn’t have come at a better ti

That is Greek yogurt with “lots” of granola, which I’m pretty sure is the culinary equivalent of when the radio DJ announces Bohemian Rhapsody! “But first, from Neil Diamond…”

Now, Velvetville is a place where, in 2014 America, a restaurant called El Rancherita can still claim to sell “authentic Mexican cuisine.” On the other hand, Stuft lives in southern California, so I’m sure when she says she made tacos, she means business.

Is that egg whites wrapped around kale? With some discharge that needs to see a gynecologist?

I think so Yes.

GOMI GIF credit: Preppy Turtle Telemarketer

This week’s culinary delights also included this:

and I can’t get over the piece of dog poop in the background that looks kind of like a snake.

Stuft also gifts us this:

which is the same meal after it was turned away from a Dallas ER.

Pop quiz: which was breakfast and which was lunch?

The biggest news of the week, of course, is that Stuft decided to turn her Back Alley Bread into bagels!

Of course she owns a dedicated donut/bagel tray, because when you’re scared of eating real food, you spend a whole lot of time and money pretending you’re going to cook it. Someday. Maybe. For other people.

I mean, how can a no grain, seedy, soft little bagel-shaped nutritious bread not be [delightful], right?

Yeah. How can bagel-shaped nutritious bread not be?

In fact, Stuft’s coat hanger bagels are part of her cyclical shillpost for Silk. These are great. Stuft spends all these posts extolling the virtues of vanilla unsweetened almond milk, by which I mean

(Only Phoebe thinks this is brand new information.)

She always talks about how Silk offers lots and lots of other products and she’s going to try them, someday, really, but

But–holy shit, hamcats. What’s this?

Oh my goodness and I just saw on the Silk Facebook Page that they are coming out with Cashewmilk. Shucks I guess I’ll have to do a lot of taste testing.

B-b-b-but…30 calories per serving! I don’t understand!


In closing, Stuft has had a lot on her mind recently. To help her through it, she turns to the one book that has never let her down. I’ve probably been a little unfair in labeling it a Beavis Christ Superstar devotional in the past. There is in fact vastly more nuanced theology in the overture of Jesus Christ Superstar, a song which, for the record, does not have any words.

Today, Stuft is particular inspired by this passage:

Imagine the pain I feel when My children tie themselves up in anxious knots, ignoring My gift of Peace. I died a criminal’s death to secure this blessing for you.

Two thousand years of Christian theology will be very interested to learn that Christ died because suburban women can’t pop a Xanax.

Stuft stats!

Craft kit: $5
Kiddie train tickets: $7
Lancome lip liner: $25
Fitwall class: $35
The actual Bible: is available online. Free.

foodsmug lifesmug recaps shillsmug

KERF Recaps, What Day Is This Again?: Kathy Eats a Free Restaurant Meal, Molests Some Free Shrimp, Eats a Free Charity Dinner, Talks About Her Pedometer, and Lists Some Stuff She Bought

Our Kathy starts out this last week with a post about how a restaurant called Burton’s gave her and Bath Matt a meal in exchange for a “recap.”

Kathy says she had always thought she was better than said restaurant, but then sat down with a free glass of wine (and a free beer for Bath Matt) and decided she would give up her standards for some comped entrees she didn’t have to share under the guise of being dainty:

I have to be totally honest and say that we had debated going to Burton’s before but thought it would be just another classic American restaurant …. But I humbly eat my words after our visit – we were very impressed. This is not a typical chain restaurant, and the food was top notch.

Everyone was so very nice and excited to have us there.

The restaurant’s executive chef gave them a tour and recommended a plate of four rice fritters. Kathy was very impressed that they made dishes to order, which meant that they were

able to make a dish without onions (yeah!)

Kathy says she “didn’t expect” that the “dressings, sauces, and desserts and ….. pickles” would be made at the restaurant either.

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You know what that means: Dishes that have onions in them? She could tell them to leave that shit off.

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She could barely get a handle on her emotions about that before realizing that the fritters she ordered

were coated in panko and stuffed with sausage!

And, that the $10 beet salad they shared would be so “amazing, especially with the layer of goat cheese and candied nuts.” Why’s that?

Loved the presentation! They told us they toss the beets in the homemade Dijon dressing shortly after they come out of the oven and the beets soak up the flavor, making them a lot less earthy.

Oh, but it was the free $22 “Autumn Pork” that “had [her] at hello.”

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She makes a special point of noting that her husband liked his $21 steak and fries, but that her choice “was the best.”

Sweet / savory my love!

The pork tenderloin came with a stuffing made of DONUTS!!!!!! This dish was the bomb!

First off, this was the best pork I’ve had in my life. Chef said it’s their perfect brining technique – 12 hours no more no less. I usually think of pork as dry and thinly sliced, but this was thick and succulent like prime rib. It was so tender I barely had to chew! It was served with a blueberry gastrique. And of course the donut stuffing was life changing.

They concluded their meal feeling “totally stuffed” after a concluding course of port, a Key lime pie Kathy describes insultingly as “really, really good …. expectations were totally exceeded,” and the commentary that it’s really awesome they have a kids’ menu called “B Choosy.”

I suppose this is since Kathy’s 2-year-old, presumably eating a fitful dinner in parts unknown, is such a disagreeable hellion when it comes to ingesting meals. (But not actually.)

Apart from the free dinner, Kathy’s weekend was pretty lame. Their neighbors came over, they drank a wine they just brought back from Sonoma,

and crunched apple crisp for dessert!!

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I threw the crisp together with a topping made from oats, flour, brown sugar, and butter. Our freshly picked apples were underneath. Delish, but it needed about 10x more topping!

On Saturday, Bath Matt didn’t have to work, so he stayed home and made Kathy “Blended oats with apple crisp on top!!” To match his level of dedication to having a good night’s sleep, Kathy

took the day completely off of exercise. I was coming off of a week of really hard workouts and needed to rest my legs. No walking – nothing! It was great, especially with a soccer game on the horizon.

They went to a brewery and had a flight of beers—

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— ate a grim salad —

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— went to a butcher’s event that was offering free samples

While [the Three Notch’d pumpkin beer] was pretty low in alcohol (4.5%) it was pretty good for such a drinkable pumpkin!

— where Kathy bought cheese, wine, and a copy of a “beautiful book about the local food scene in Charlottesville.”

They stumbled home to clean, ate

Leftover noodles, sautéed eggplant, zucchini and mushrooms, plus a jar of our canned tomato sauce. Grated mozzarella on top!

and re-watched old seasons of “Survivor”:

I have watched seasons 10-17 and am jumping back to watch a few older ones before continuing on. Love that show.

Don’t think that their day was all fun. Kathy

ended up pushing through and doing more food prep

so that she could keep up with the tremendous plans of Sunday:

She’s sort of vaguebraggy about those, promising details in subsequent posts. (We’ll read about her dinner in Wednesday’s post.)

On Tuesday, the ominous-sounding Shrimp Council gave Kathy money for

a pasta party

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With these diverse ingredients, she was trying to make a pasta-squash-bacon-cheese-yeast-garlic thing that served as

comfort foods …. [and] all things orange!

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She made a “not super heavy” recipe she says has “richness” because of “bacon and parmesan cheese,” but that’s okay because most of it is

nutritious butternut squash, spices and lighter shrimp. A few tablespoons of nutritional yeast amp up the cheese factor and bring lots of B vitamins along for the ride. Use whole wheat pasta for extra fiber.

The Shrimp Council and its partner, Cuisinart, apparently gave her a “shiny new” food processor — even though she already had a Cuisinart food processor — and her neighbors gave her a squash, so that she could make some crappy meal with too many ingredients.

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Oh, but if you’re a basic bitch who’s not as cool as Kathy, and you don’t have the awesome amount of time she has because she’s so great,

you could easily use canned squash or pumpkin and cut this recipe time in half : )

She boiled 3 cups of squash she got free from a neighbor, drained it, and pureed it with “veggie broth.”

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She then advises to cook 4 slices of bacon in a skillet; She then cooks a pound of shrimp in the bacon grease, because she can avoid cleaning.

You’re then supposed to make pasta, but less of it than normal, because a magazine says so (I think?) and Kathy wants to mention that she had fresh pasta, but if you’re a dumb poor idiot who can only afford regular people Barilla, she supposes that will manage to suffice:

Cook your pasta – ooo la la! I went with fresh pasta for extra pizzazz but you could easily use dried.

With everything cooked and sitting around getting cold, Kathy finally cooked 2 large cloves of garlic in an unwashed skillet, then added the squash puree, 1/4 cup of cheese, two tablespoons of nutritional yeast, and measly amounts of spices (a half-teaspoon of smoked paprika and two pinches of nutmeg) —

Turn your skillet heat back to low and add in your garlic. I didn’t wash my skillet so that the bacon and shrimp brown bits would provide lots of flavor and the fat still in the skillet would serve as my cooking oil for the garlic.

— then a pound of already-cooked pasta, garnished with thyme,

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“gently mixed” shrimp and bacon, and concluded that she’d made a

fancy pasta dish loaded with cheesy squash sauce, succulent shrimp and crispy bacon!

But let’s be real – it’s not that fancy, it’s just gooood : )

Kathy returns Wednesday with a third sponsored post in a row. This one is (nominally) about Charlottesville’s Local Food Hub, a food-distribution non-profit a former fakery employee works for. Kathy says she could totally understand the demands of their administrative toil, since

We home cooks know how tedious it can be to keep vegetables from going bad in the fridge

She’s writing about the place because, the previous Sunday, she and Bath Matt were offered another free dinner at Verulam Farm — because it wasn’t like they were going to pay their own money to celebrate the 5-year-anniversary of the organization. She threw on her bridesmaid boots and her automatic subscription service jacket:

Dress was “comfortable, warm, fall festive,” and the atmosphere matched.

Kathy thinks it’s pretty witty that she says she “feasted on hors d’oeuvres by Feast!”

She name-drops the places where the booze came from, says there were other “bites” that were “delicious” and ham and sweet potato biscuits that were “GREAT!” and says that

The dinner was prepared by a team of all-female chefs.

By which I suppose she means that all of the people who prepared the food were biologically female and adhered to conventional cis-gender roles. I think? As Oatsiedog far-more-eloquently put it,

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There was a squash soup (with one kind of wine), followed by lamb, grits, and ragu (with a different wine) and a cheese plate with another kind of wine.


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They ended the evening with a hard cider, raspberries, pears “drizzled” in caramel, and a caramel cake Kathy wished she would have smuggled a slice from:

What I would do for another slice this morning!!

She ends by namedropping who she and Bath Matt sat next to, and saying that “we hope to support the Local Food Hub any way we can.” You know, except for going so far as to pay for their own tickets. Fuck that, I guess.

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Thursday’s post is, yes, really, yet another fucking sponsored entry. This one was sponsored by that company, Mandible, that sent her that plastic bracelet that tracks her movement, the one that she got because it would be a shock therapy way to

act as a reminder that it’s the everyday moments that add up to good health.

She’s decided that she likes it because it has one of those ubiquitous “smart” alarm apps that’s supposed to wake you up when it senses that you’re sleeping lightly. Because it’s not like you can get that function from any number of free apps that run off your phone and make it so that you don’t have to wear a chunky slap bracelet while you sleep.

I set mine to wake me up within 30 minutes (before or after) of 7am when I entered light sleep. It’s also the most gentle alarm that buzzes on your wrist – no obnoxious loud sounds or phones to fumble with!

Apparently, it’s kind of a crappily functioning alarm, and it has woken Kathy up before when she’s in the middle of scrunched-brow exercise, but it does give her the ability to complain about her 2-year-old, which is very important:

One day when I went to 6am athletic conditioning it “woke me up” right at 6:30 in the middle of the class thinking “Boy she is in really light sleep!” I was most definitely awake then ; )

get a new hat, jerk.

get a new hat, jerk.

But overall, this feature is great because it gives me an extra 30-45 minutes before Mazen wakes up to get the day started. (He has been my alarm clock for 2 years!) Mission accomplished!

She also likes being able to track that she sleeps between 7 hours and 25 minutes and 9 hours and 23 minutes a night.

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oh shut up.

She notes:

I guess I’m pretty tired because I’m always asleep in under 12 minutes and sometimes as little as 4.

Tired? From what? Googling recipes that you can take the onions out of, and responding to emailed offers of free shit with OMG YES?

I think there are other words for her condition:

Why is she so tired? Because of her inconvenient toddler, duh:

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On the downside, Kathy admits next that she didn’t drink her aimed-for 64 ounces of water a day:

I still suck at drinking water! But I will say it improved a little bit …. I am drinking more tea, so that counts for something!

But, she brags uncomfortably, she

rocked the step goal! My most recent 5 day average was 12,665 steps.

I do wear my Jawbone all the time, so it counts my workouts and I also wore it during a soccer game and hit nearly 20,000 steps that day! Again, why didn’t I walk around the block to finally see a 20,000!? Another soccer day I was at 19,938 – so close! I’ve come close but haven’t crossed over to the 20s yet.

Not that she’s even thinking about shitting on a potential sponsor by talking about what she liked less with the FitBit exercise-logging bracelet her friend lent her.

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She lists a few superficial differences (battery life, logging problems, one being more “modern looking,” one having a “clunkier” band and a “not quite as visual” band) I mean, what if Kathy says something critical about it and that turns them away from wanting to send her free products in the future?!

All out of people giving her free stuff that could be written about as independent entries, Kathy ends the week with a “New Finds” post where she talks about things she’s bought, been given, or been involved with for some sort of cringe-inducing promotional purpose recently:

• Three $35 fake travel posters she “read about …. in one of [her] magazines — I think it was Coastal Living.” She thinks they “are the perfect beach house décor.”

• Two colors of Born sandals:

I’m one of those types where when I find something I love and I want it in All The Colors. I was browsing the net one day …. before I knew it they were on the way to my house. Y’all know I love me some comfortable shoes that I can dress up and dress down….

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• A rumpled towel with a tiny “EatRealFood” hashtag that someone sent her from Etsy.

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• Marshmallow ice cream that’s only available in Charlottesville:

Her Toasted Marshmallow wins for BEST ICE CREAM EVER! She uses real toasted marshmallows that she roasts herself! I special order pints regularly.

• A $78 gift set of Oscar de la Renta perfume

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so that she could prove what a fancy nose she has:

I am a bit perfume obsessed and can often pick out what someone is wearing by standing next to them. (“Are you wearing Ralph Lauren Blue!?” I asked a women at the farmer’s market. She was floored.) When I went on the Hershey trip earlier this summer I sat next to one of the girls on the trip there and she smelled WONDERFUL! I asked her what the scent was and she told me Oscar de la Renta Live In Love. 

• Some sunglasses for her 2-year-old that cost $17 each, which she says is “not cheap.”

• A travel-ready perfume container so that she can apply her immature scent profile to herself as soon as she leaves the gym.

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It’s nice, she says, except that Kathy’s kind of squeamish to recommend it because it looks like a buttplug or something:

My only complaint is it looks like something ….personal…..due to the double rounded tips!! Wish they would square it off.

• An e-book that the blogger Fitnessisisisisisista sent her.

It provides a wonderful foundation for creating a blog and turning it into a business. I’ve been blogging for years and pulled a few really good tips away, but I think those just starting out would get a lot out of it too. Gina’s voice is great – very personal and relatable.

It doesn’t seem like the tips suggest giving entries a quick once-over before hitting “publish,” because Kathy refers to the edition she received as a “previous.” Oh boy.

• Another book another blogger gave her. This one is called “The Nesting Place” by the lady who writes at the blog called “The Nester.” Kathy’s review?

This book was AMAZING. So, so good. I looked forward to getting cozy in bed and reading a chapter every night. This isn’t just a decorating book – it’s about how you feel about your home. It was life changing for me, and I want to read it again!

Kathy says that “a large part of what I took away from it” can be summed up in two quotes:

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• Although it’s not something she obtained, Kathy shoehorned in a mention for some company called “Plate Joy” that charges people to deliver ingredients from grocery stores asked her for some of her recipes. Why? Because.

She also, apparently, wants to start up a monthly newsletter, and have people subscribe to have her daily posts emailed to them. I’m not sure what the point of any of this would be — but it doesn’t sound like she is either. Nearing the end of the month, let’s just hope Kathy has the sense to not echo her end-of-month conclusions about September by talking about how, thanks to her ability to live a life in nut butter-blinders and magazine-walking ignorance, she’s had the most amazing, sadness-free October ever.

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