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KERF Recaps, Day 769: Kathy Plays Soccer On Her Child’s Birthday, Makes Phony Cheerios, and Puts Meat In Cupcake Tins

Monday’s post is about Toddler Carbz’s second birthday party.

this party is dumb

Kathy name-drops the place where her mom bought the blow-up dinosaur decorations and 12-for-$10 dinosaur cups, which were also the party favors.

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It’s nice to see a place like Oriental Trading get a shout-out, since they sound like a nice little local store. The website Build a Balloon also helped out by sending a few $38 balloons.

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Carbz ducks out to get a few minutes in on his drivetrain removal project.

Party guests were served guacamole cut with Greek yogurt, watermelon, Bath Matt’s mom’s bean salad, and “burgers with all the fixins.” Unfortunately, Kathy, who was totally just enjoying the spirit of the party and not trying to get more steps counted on her borrowed FitBit,

was too busy running around with toddlers (literally!) to snap any photos

The party concluded with an “oh-so-cute!!” cake from Sweet House, 50 cupcakes that got eaten or squirreled away without being photographed, a “fab” wine provided by a mysterious person identified only as “Canadian Karen,” and some insults about her child:

…. it was beasty [sic] hot, and Mazen did his best to look like a hot sweaty mess for all of his birthday photos ; )

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Kathy talks about how the weather was similar on her child’s birthday to when he was born, which is just astounding, and then lists the birthday presents he got. Even though his actual birthday was on Sunday, she had the party on Saturday so that his actual birthday could be reserved for her community league soccer game. Because, priorities?

She talks about the game by captioning a bunch of photographs of herself in which she looks frustrated and basically immobile with “<Begin sarcasm>” and ending the aside with “<End sarcasm.>”

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Good thing that, unlike her inconvenient child, Kathy is totally able to not look like a hot, sweaty mess. Oh, wait.

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What’s amazing is how Kathy is able to give her all to soccer when she has such a flip-flopping fair-weather fan on the sidelines, ruining her game with his birthday tears:

M always says “Mommy plays soccer!” with such enthusiasm, but when he sees me on the field playing he cries until I come off and hug him.

It was okay, though, because Kathy made up for her child’s tears by showing him some school buses and having Bath Matt’s mom, dad, and stepmom (and another person, who only appears as a disembodied hand in a group wineglass shot) take them for dinner at Bella’s, an Italian restaurant whose main webpage image makes it look like THE place to go if you’re an impatient white dude not having a whole lot of fun eating your $16 bruschetta, $17 gorgonzola grilled salad, $32 calamari, $48 seafood pasta, “meaty marinara” and “vino.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-15 at 5.47.59 PMShe ends the birthday post talking about the best part of her child’s birthday, which is, of course, cake. Duh.

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And in the comments, aside from learning that Kathy is on her 6th HP computer since 2008 (but it’s cool, because she hands them down after 3-4 years to her parents, she says), we get some stomping upset from Kathy when people suggest she might not need 50 photos to tell a comprehensive story about her toddler’s second birthday:

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It’s okay, Angie. None of us think you’re Kathy using a sockpuppet name. Luckily, after carefully considering her readers’ thoughts, Kathy is her typical patient, gracious self:

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Tuesday’s post is the not-awaited follow-up to this one, from a few weeks ago, where she planted those lame oat seeds General Mills sent her to prove that you could totally grow your own oats, which means you could totally make your own Cheerios, which means they are “Real Food,” and therefore Kathy can keep her claws on the traveling trophy of virtuous eating. She’s even made a lavender, yearbook-style pull-quote for her definition.

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That’s how important the topic is to her.

Kathy says that Cheerios can totally fit that definition because

….I flush out that definition even farther and say that I consider something to be real food if you could make it yourself if you had the time, energy and/or simple equipment.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Kathy obtained a spaniel and sent him in to rustle that definition out of the bushes like a pheasant.

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But back to needing time, energy, and equipment. Does Kathy have all those things? Shit yeah. She also has “guidance” from General Mills, who helped her as she “developed” a recipe that was, well, let’s be honest:

The final result turned out great, but let me tell you that this is not a quick or easy recipe : )

She put “good old rolled oats” in a food processor for about five minutes and,

In the mean time [sic] I mixed together the remaining ingredients for the dough: salt, brown sugar, corn starch, all-purpose flour, and baking powder.

She mixed that with her oat flour, added 3 tablespoons of water, kneaded the dough, sectioned it, and resisted temptation:

At this point I wanted to pop this in the oven and make scones, but I had to persevere!

The dough wouldn’t roll, so Kathy “formed each section into a snake” by “pinch[ing] it out.” She used a skewer to form an O-shape, at which point she gave into her most base desires:

I had to taste the dough here too, and boy it was yummy!!! Sweet and doughy, of course.

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Chopping up all her pinched snakes of sweet flour took

about 4-5 minutes per section times 7 sections, so this was quite the time-intensive process. But it was also very soothing.

After Kathy

took the eighth segment and rolled it into a giant O!!

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she baked her creations for half an hour

in a 300* oven

on a pan that looks like it’s lived lifetimes in a rotisserie oven

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very, very crunchy. Perfect for adult chompers, but not so great for a finger-food eating baby perhaps.

They turned out wonderful!!! Slightly sweet, very crunchy, oat-y cereal!

What she was really looking forward to, however, was her oddly feminized segment of dough:

As for that jumbo…I kept her in the oven a little bit longer to accommodate for her size.

And once she was done I iced her in a coconut butter + pumpkin spice frosting and ate her on the spot!

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After around two hours, Kathy had a cup of fake Cheerios, which Kathy concluded were “a very close replica” even though they lacked the

confidential …. extra ingredients, mostly to keep the Cheerios dough at an optimal pH and to preserve the cereal

Ahem. The word is “preservatives,” dude. Kathy’s conclusion is that she could make Cheerios, but that she won’t. She has a way better idea for how the world can serve her:

I found myself thinking: “There should be a machine invented to do this for me!”

In her comments section, Kathy experiences a backlash from readers saying that calling Cheerios “real food” is basically bullshit, and responds by saying she’s not worried about genetically modified ingredients (“I would prefer that no foods use them because they are tampering with nature, but they are also not something that I freak out over. I think there are scarier things in our food systems to avoid”) or the processing at General Mills, which, she snarks, isn’t a “fun house”:

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What a good little flak, selling out her “real food” ethos to the lowest possible bidder.

Wednesday’s post is about how Kathy was going to make meatballs, and then she thought

it would be nice to have a jumbo meatball.

Kathy then realizes that meatballs are best treated like Norwegian blue parrots, and

that a muffin tin would make the perfect perch for them while they baked.

Therefore, they turned into “muffins,” according to her. I think they probably just came out sad and unseasoned, which is unfortunate, because she’s not using crappy beef, and I bet if she threw some onions in there and tried not to insist that she could also put an entire salad in each meatball, they might taste okay.

Also? Her cooking process honestly sounds kind of terrifying:

I furiously begin writing down ingredients and taking photos.

Anyway, Kathy says she used a “TON” of produce in her nine meat-pyramids, like a massive green bell pepper, an enormous lame-ass, two gigantic garlic cloves, one deseeded jalapeno “for spice,” and an entire half cup of baby spinach “for extra nutrition.”

This is a great way to use up the herbs in your garden as summer comes to a close or the other half of a bunch from a recipe.

There’s also a wonderful reliance on prepared products, like jarred, oily sun-dried tomatoes, breadcrumbs, and liquid smoke in the mix.

She also suggests taking the meat-VWs out ten minutes before they’re done and plopping a tablespoon of parmesan on them. The cheese, she claims,

takes the flavor (and appearance) up a notch!

Kathy’s “TON” may not translate to your own “TON,” however, as it means a third of a cup of parsley and a fourth of a cup of dill for nine muffin-shaped blobs. You might not notice that, though, as her recipe would also overwhelm you with a giant teaspoon of salt and half-teaspoon of black pepper.

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She also specifies, in her instructions, that when you’re gooping around the ground beef, you should “mix with clean hands.” Do readers really need to be reminded to keep their shit clean while preparing and cooking food?

My apologies to you guys and appreciation for bearing with me during my ridiculously late postings in the last month. This last month has been harrowing, which is about as much as I want to make public about it. I miss being able to sleep, and I miss being here regularly, and I miss just the quotidian WTF-ery of oats and oversharing and bullshit sponsored posts by companies that don’t give a shit about stainless steel straws or homebrewed beer. I love you hams.