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KERF Recaps: Kathy Enjoys Bro-Country and Feeds Her Guests Leftover Ice Cream Scrapings

Monday’s post is about how great Kathy’s weekend was, as usual. She went to a concert!

The highlight of my weekend was most definitely the Florida Georgia Line concert!

Oh, okay. Cool. I’m not familiar with the duo, because they seem like a pair of insensitive, smirking asses, but at least it’s not some pseudo-virtue night of jumping jacks and shit wine out of plastic glasses under the guise of virtuefun at the expensive gym. Tell us what you liked about the concert, Kathy:

I just love country music. Rather than trucks and fields (which do take me back to high school), country brings out feelings of small towns for me. Relationships, parties with friends, and living life in the moment – soaking up sunshine, the lake, or a good beer.

Wait…. huh?

What? What does any of that mean? Let’s take a closer look. Kathy starts out saying she loves country music. This is up for debate, but let’s accept her premise. Okay, continue. Kathy says that the country genre “brings out feelings of small towns” for her, rather than evoking “trucks and fields,” even though, on a tangential note, both the concept of trucks and that of fields do conjure up thoughts of high school. To explain the difference, I think she lists “Relationships, parties with friends, and living life in the moment – soaking up sunshine, the lake, or a good beer.” In conclusion…. no, I have no fucking clue why “trucks and fields” have everything to do with high school and nothing to do with relationships, parties, sunshine, lakes, and “good beer,” while “small towns” have everything to do with those things.

Exactly, Nelson.

In any convoluted case, Kathy says that the group is “one of [her] favorite bands!” even though Bath Matt makes fun of her by sending her links that point out how generic and tired their shit is. (Thanks, Bath Matt. What the fuck do you listen to? Gruit-core?)

In the lead-up to bro country evening, Kathy says she, herself at least partially participated in feeding her family:

….I made stuffed shells. This recipe was a wing-it success! We stuffed the shells (after they were boiled) with ground beef, sun-dried tomatoes, Parmesan, frozen spinach and basically all the ingredients in this meatball recipe.

No shit, Kathy? I totally thought there was a method of stuffing meat into DRIED PASTA. Also, the meatball recipe she links to is her own, where you use 1 pound ground beef, 10 ounces frozen spinach, 1/3 cup of sun-dried tomatoes in oil, 1 cup panko, 1/2 grated cheese, 2 eggs, salt, pepper, and the world’s smallest teaspoon of garlic powder. How are Kathy’s meatballs? Let’s ask Sponsored Thanksgiving, who made them. Or, you can take Kathy’s unreliable word:

 

With sauce poured on top, they turned out great!

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The red meat must have come out because poor, long-suffering, jambalaya-making Jeff, came over for dinner. He had to bring salad.

They also ate ice cream.

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Kathy says it’s “worth noting” that they split only half a cup of ice cream scraped from the bottom of two containers and that hers was the really nice custom-made one, which I’m sure she felt rich generosity for giving away because it was her special snowflake stash, when she should have realized she was being a gross miser because who the fuck gets stingy about ice cream? This isn’t Little House in the Big Woods, where obtaining sugar is a perilous journey through panthery woods to obtain gingham and rock candy.

The PB Cup was Karen’s and it ended up in our freezer when she moved – yum!

Guess what, Kathy? Not worth noting. Also? Don’t give your fucking guests ice cream from almost four months ago. That’s disgusting. Go to the store and get fresh stuff, and get more than a pint, so that your guests can have as much as they want. If it’s even possible that your guests might want more of anything and you’re not making it available for them, it’s not hospitality, you stingy bint.

On Saturday, Kathy and her child ate oats, and then went to fancy gym, and then left fancy gym so they could run six miles.

Post-baby PR baby! We ran quite slow (per Nelle’s 13 miler training plan) and I felt good for most of the run. It wore me out for the rest of the day though!

Oh, look at you, Kathy, graciously accommodating Nelle’s speed. We know you would totally run faster if it weren’t for her, wouldn’t you?

After the run, she had

After Mazen and I got home, I proceeded to eat All The Chips. But I paired them with a healthy sardine salad. It’s been my post-run craving these past few weeks!

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Kathy trying to wedge Hyperbole and a Half into her blog is as awkward as when she wears that band-leader jacket.

Kathy then went back out and took her child to the children’s museum and then went back home “for nap.”

When she woke up, she was ready to go to the concert, so she put two ounces of wine in a glass and set it on her bathroom shelf and took a picture and posted it on Instagram. Or, as she calls it, she engaged in

A little pregaming!

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She and her four friends went to something called the Sedona Taphouse for an “awesome” dinner of wine, “a nice salad,” and a “pretty darn awesome!!” main dish:

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The five pre-gamed, bro-countried ladies then ate chocolate cake with ketchup, I guess —

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— but Kathy had the tiniest portion of all:

Just two bites – perfect!

How was the concert? Well, Thomas Rhett opened:

love him!

Then, the main act played, and Florida Georgia Line was

awesome. Love their style!

I think Kathy would fall down blue on the floor if she’d had to write this entry without using the words “awesome” and “love.” She then posts this photo:

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Kathy’s caption: “Blondes like to have fun!!”

Get your shine on!

I don’t know what that means and I refuse to look it up.

Next, she posts this photo:

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With the caption, “Guess it’s pretty clear everyone has a smart phone these days ; )”

Yes, because “smart phones” are the only ones with light-up displays. And yeah, wow, Kathy, even the poors who shop at PetSmart and don’t go to happy hour gym and who don’t have NERD on their license plates are capable of obtaining the same technology.

Kathy was out “very late,” so Bath Matt brought her pancakes with chocolate peanut butter on top in bed. She was awake at 7, though, so that probably means she didn’t get to bed until 10:27 p.m.

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Swinging back to penitent and healthy from her supposedly wild night of fun and wine, Kathy says she did “work around the house” on Sunday, finished assembling her $500 of particle board —

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— ate soup and kombucha, went grocery shopping at Whole Foods, and served her family

Garlicky kale + catfish + veggies + the last of an open bottle of vino.

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She ends by saying something else I don’t wish to know the meaning of:

Hope y’all had shining weekends too!

freiza
Tuesday brings with it Kathy’s tentative venturing into the world of shorter posts about what-the-fuck-ever. The neighbors who have the baby and the chickens came over on Monday, and Kathy was excited about it because it was an excuse for chocolate, shortbread, and alcohol:

Company always makes for a fun Monday : ) What normally would be a boring night turns into a celebration with wine and dessert!

She left the boxes out from that diaper-change-crafts hutch monstrosity, so at least Toddler Carbz and Neighbor Girl had something to play with aside from rusty baskets of rubber ducks from Grandma Buzz’s attic.

The pop-up ads on Kathy's site are now literally working to protect the privacy of her child and her child's friends, at least.

The pop-up ads on Kathy’s site are now literally working to protect the privacy of her child and her child’s friends, at least.

Who cares that the instruction manual says to wash all the dust and crud off of all the 260 pieces of the hutch after taking them out of the boxes? If Toddler Carbz can handle a little yellow spray paint and chardonnay in utero, mystery dust and petrochemical smoke from picturesque Guangdong* is nothing.

I am really sorry for my shitty Google Translated Chinese. It's supposed to say "Are you supposed to change diapers on this shelf? How idiotic."

I am really sorry for my shitty Google Translated Chinese. It’s supposed to say “Are you supposed to change diapers on this shelf? How idiotic.”

While the children were playing in, I don’t know, the perfect flow of aerosolized melamine or whatever, Kathy “and” Bath Matt made meal-planning-service dinner:

….chicken thighs with rice (which I pesto-fied instead of pilafed) and cabbage. The cabbage was a lovely delicious surprise with great garlicky flavor! Cook Smarts recommended lemon and greek yogurt, and they were great additions to the meal.

Why is Poison Ivy's bra on the table?

WHY IS POISON IVY‘S PUSH-UP BRA LITERALLY ON THE TABLE.

I’m guessing that “pesto-fied” means she plunked a frozen cube of pesto from 2013 onto the rice instead of using the obvious onion that would have been required for rice pilaf, but leave it to Kathy La Misteriosa to not explain any of that. She then decides to tell us both how fancy she was on Tuesday morning and what an inconvenience her child is, by saying they

dined on scrambled eggs (which he requested and then wouldn’t touch)

I would rather have whatever the "Pub Diet" from Crapplebee's than whatever made that bread look like carbception.

I would rather have whatever the “Pub Diet” from Crapplebee’s is than whatever made that bread look like carbception.

In addition to recording, for posterity, yet another time when she’s decided to see something her 2-year-old son has done as inconvenient, Kathy capitalizes “Pomegranate,” which is dumb because she always says “greek yogurt” and “french toast” and the shift key exists for a reason. However, overall, this new format where she talks about whatever for a few paragraphs is as bracing as a cold smoothie in a bowl tipped over one’s head, to which I offer a sincerely slow-clapping thank you to Our Kerfiness. The emoticons and exclamation points are still freaking everywhere, but trying not to treat every day’s entry like it’s a fucking book report on The Andromeda Strain, and forcing Guest RDs and endless lists of everything she ate in a given week has put a magazine-walking pep in Kathy’s written step and a Bare Minerals glow on her selfied cheeks. Or maybe I just like being able to recap shorter posts.

*No, I have no idea where in China that ugly hutch in which her stupid cheese box does not fit perfectly was manufactured.

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KERF Recaps: Kathy Lets Her Husband Have A Birthday, Sorta, Registers for a Race, Maybe, And Her Sister Closes Her Blog, But Opens A New One

Last Thursday’s post is about what an amazing effort Kathy, the impromptu newscaster, put in for her husband’s birthday:

We are live from Charlottesville this morning!!

How did Kathy make Bath Matt’s 32nd birthday so “smashing”? First, she “showered” him with a bounty of presents:

….new shirts from GAP with breakfast along with celebratory French toast – topped with coconut butter “frosting” and sprinkles!

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Our favorite weather girl also announced Charlottesville’s first “snow dusting,” which she said was “quite exciting.” Bursting with the thrill of it all, she went to the gym for “workout and play time” before heading to the fakery to eat a free salad and a free slice of something called “Raspberry Swirl —

MY FAV!

That evening, after Bath Matt got home from his full day working at the fakery, “a playmate … aka a babysitter” took care of Toddler Carbz so that Kathy and Bath Matt could go to a Wednesday-night beer tasting at Market St. Wine Shop. Somehow, she managed to not describe this as a variation on the word “play,” although she did caption a photo of her husband “Beer Nerd,” some term to which they aspire, and said they brought one of their latest California wine trip bottles of wine

Yummy Roth Pinot!

to the C&O restaurant, where she didn’t have to cook or clean a damn thing.

Do tell us, food blogger, about the bread:

GAH! Like a doughy pretzel with that salt crust on top!

Let’s continue. How did Bath Matt enjoy his birthday meal?

Matt got pick of the menu and chose a cheese plate as an appetizer.

Wait, that’s something worth noting? That he was able to pick his own order? Is he a child? Actually, scratch that. Even children — especially on their birthdays — can generally pick what they want to eat, right?

It’s especially dumb to be royally handing out menu pardons when Queen KERF can’t even describe the food that came to the table in an adult fashion:

For entrees I had the sea bass with mushrooms and root veggie puree. Pea shoots on top! Delicious.

Matt had duck, his favorite, with a sweet potato + blue cheese layer stack that was awesome.

We also ordered a side of butternut squash with crispy sage – divine!

So, someone who makes her living writing about food just described two dinners by saying they were “delicious,” “awesome,” and “divine,” and that one of the ingredients was “crispy”? I’ve gotten hungrier reading Cheez-It coupons*.

The dessert:

And finally…the warm chocolate tart with peanut butter ice cream. Matt likes to say that he doesn’t really care for dessert, but he proclaimed this the best dessert he had ever had!! Good timing for his birthday ; )

How nice that a grown-ass man was allowed to choose his own meal for his own damn birthday.

Kathy posted a second entry on Thursday by accident, saying she “pushed publish too soon.” This one was about how she registered for that 10-mile race she was dithering about a few weeks ago. Her reaction?

Yay!!

and

YIKES!

Oh, why’s that, dear?

Well, it has to do with a lack of, ahem, forests near Kathy’s neighborhood:

I haven’t been in a good running grove [sic] since…2011 maybe?

Back in the day I used to run outside a lot, and consistently 6 miles or so at a time. Once time I did 8 for fun (imagine that!) I used to sign up for races more often, and my greatest distance was the Racefest Half Marathon in Charlotte (at an 8:41 pace!)

Why won’t that happen now? Well, her absurdly geriatric age of 32 means she’s “older,” and she’s supposedly interested only in training “for the fun of it!”

 I don’t believe that, but maybe it’s true. She says she runs 4 miles in one burst every week, or maybe 5 miles — which she can do in 48 minutes — but that 10 miles shouldn’t be too hard:

I’m sure I could run them tomorrow if I needed to.

She complains that the cold has been holding back her running times, but that she’s on track with a training plan she’s “discussed” with a friend called Nelle, described as “a speed demon runner.”

Who’s Nelle? Well, Nelle had her kid about half a year before Kathy had Toddler Carbz. Here she is with her newborn child and with Charlottesville’s top inspiration for hair, makeup, and taco-eating, last Halloween:

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Kathy says she would like to run three times a week, but her kid is not going to make that “feasible,” so she wants to do a weekly 3-mile run indoors at her gym and a weekly 4-mile run outdoors.

Well, only if Bath Matt can change his work schedule to accommodate her, since her gym won’t allow her to drop her child off so she can prance around the streets of Charlottesville

….and it’s too cold/dark to run outside with him this time of year. I’m also going to have to plan around soccer games. I shouldn’t run the day after a game because my legs are usually really sore, and our games come and go on random days.

She also says that she’ll be aiming for a time of an hour and 45 minutes, since her top speed for a 10-mile course was 90 minutes, pre-Inconvenient Toddler:

Maybe it’s a little too easy of a goal, but again, this is for fun! I have a handful of friends who are also running it, so we’re hoping to do some of the training runs together.

Kathy’s also given herself a perk: a new pair of running shoes. She’s “dusted off” her Garmin — as well as some photos of herself from more than half a decade ago —

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From 2010, when she described coffee as her “ergogenic aid and laxative ;)” so that she could let her readers know she had taken a shit — or, in her words, was “totally digested and ready to go” — by whatever time.

— and her Camelbak Charm, so that she can “do another batch of [her] homemade sports drink”:

This time of year though, I hope the water doesn’t freeze in the tube! I’ll probably do another batch of my homemade sports drink for the longer runs since that worked so well last time.

She ends the post by asking for “suggestions from any hard-core runners out there!” There are a couple recommendations that she join the Charlottesville Track Club’s program that’s specifically geared towards training for the 10-miler —

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— mixed in with some general encouragement and some Who Cares, Just Go Have Fun sentiment. Look, Kathy — there are things where I, too, talk about wanting to throw up (as she used to do) that end up being fun, but they’re generally confined to roller-coasters. And I don’t have to tell anyone about what I do in the bathroom.

 Kathy posted a sixth weekly post on Friday, thanking her readers for “all the wonderfully nice comments” on her post about returning to a more informal, less informational format for her blog:

I am loving bringing back these little chatty posts!

Friday’s post is about how she had toast, orange, coffee, and a smoothie for breakfast, creating what she calls “Breakfast time chaos”:
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Gosh, yes. Look at that. A blender, a bottle of milk, a banana peel, a mug, a yogurt lid, the blender lid, and a plastic container of salad?
Good thing she has her blue Camelback water bottle — just looking at that “chaos” makes me dehydrated.
The smoothie contained spinach, banana, peanut butter, milk, and, to “make it epic,” oats. She writes that’s she’s returning to the $500 Vitamix Culinary Institute of America Professional Series blender the company gave her in 2010:

I am also back using my Vita-mix full time. I decided that I like having less parts and it sure does make a fluffy smoothie.

To conclude the entry, she says she’s “taking the day off of the gym due to a morning meeting,” switches to weather-girl mode —

We have a sunny day on tap, and it should be a little warmer than usual, so M and I are hoping to meet up with some friends for a playdate.

— and comment-baits for people (“y’all”) to tell her their “big” weekend plans, so that she can get the occasional 50 or 70 comments instead of 30.

As for Kathy’s weekend plans? She went to the Florida Georgia Line concert with Sarah (the one who ate two tacos that one time, when Kathy only ate one).

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I was unfamiliar with “Florida Georgia Line” being anything more than something one crossed while driving up and down the East Coast on I-95, but Wikipedia describes their style of music as “bro-country.”

Ripped denim, crosses, mirrored sunglasses, stuff with the Confederate flag on it, tattoos, dog tags, tractor tires, pickup trucks, and railroad ties.

 Why are they sitting like that? Do they need donut pillows?

We end by saying goodbye, this week, to Kathy’s sister’s blog, “Taking Back My Twenties.”

Larbs apparently found her twenties. This whole time, it turns out they were under that Guanaja Chocolate Coulant Daniel Boulud made at the Speiser-Skipper wedding. Who knew?

Well, more accurately, Larbs said that she finally realized she “was in denial about being an adult” when she started her first blog in 2010.

You think?

From 2011:

I’m so mentally ready for spring break next week. And then I remembered I probably will never get a spring break again. Sad. I was telling an older woman at work about my blog today and used the term quarter life crisis, and she said ‘quarter life crisis....ha, get a life.’ I can’t decide if her response was mean or if I deserve that reaction…

More from 2011:

You see, I’m not adjusting well to working 9 hour days and I’m totally wishing away the weeks (something I vowed not to do). As you know from my almost daily complaints, I’m tired and never feel like doing much (despite 8+ hours). I’m just assuming this is a normal part of the transition to full-time work? I don’t know how people can spend so many waking hours in an office and feel fulfilled. I went to regular spinning today (I’ve been doing SYNC Cycle), and during an awesome song, I realized I haven’t felt energized or inspired by exercise in weeks. …. I just dream of the summer or a time when I’ll be free to just be. But with only ten days off a year, there is no extended time to just be. And that feeling is suffocating. I keep thinking to myself I miss my life -it’s been taken away from me, and I need to take it back! …. the idea that I have to spend an hour preparing for the next work day and get in bed at 9:30 haunts me.

From 2012:

Since graduation I feel like, as an adult, I’m supposed to just work, exercise, eat healthy meals, and save money during the week. I think the thing I miss most about college is the feeling that the only thing I’m really supposed to be doing is learning. Anyway, I got home from work and decided to protest being an adult. I skipped my workout, ate cookies that arrived in the mail (thanks to Matt’s mom!!), fell asleep on the couch at 5 o’clock, avoided my to-do list with five episodes of House Hunters, and ate cereal for dinner.

When she started the blog, she writes in her I Found Them They Were Under The Long Layer Of My High-Low Hem Dress This Whole Time post, she longed for college. Then, life “seemed easy” —

….Aside from attending classes and completing homework assignments, there was time to exercise outdoors, eat lunch with friends, participate in clubs, volunteer or work off-campus, watch TV, play on the internet, go shopping, party, or (my personal favorite) just sit around and enjoy the company of interesting people. Because of this, I was very very sad to have to leave the college community and enter the real world.

Yes, I’m sure it was a veritable Algonquin Round Table at Davidson, Larbsie, where the conversation sparkled with stories about how you caught your future husband’s eye with your retainer.

While that still sounds nice “sometimes,” Larbs writes,

….I realized I no longer needed to be like a younger version of myself to be happy….I have so many things going for me that I didn’t in my mid-twenties – a job I’ve always dreamed of, financial independence, a loving husband, and now a house of my own. II’ll [sic] be turning 30 this year, and if this is what 30 looks like, then I’ll take it!

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 Being a natural blonde is really and truly one of the least exciting things that can happen to you in life.

The next paragraph is like a deconstructed burrito bowl of Shit Larbs’s Sister Will Never Say:

To my faithful readers, I’m sorry that my content has suffered over the past year. I should have written this post a long time ago. I still very much enjoy blogging, and I’ve loved being part of the blogging community. Selfishly, I also cherish this space as an online journal. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more private and you’ve probably noticed that my writing has focused primarily on food, travel, and more food.

While it’s not Larbs found the Ebola vaccine in between her marscapone ice cream and blue cheese grits or anything — and those actually sound pretty fucking delicious — her ability to take an even slightly mature and critical look at the purpose of maintaining a diary in public for a specific purpose is laudable in comparison to her older sister’s increasingly stunted schtick. It’s also laudable once you reach the comments at the end of her post:

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Because, holy shit. Larbs’ mother and her older sister seem to wish they, themselves, could cling to their own idealized “twenties” — the exact idealization Larbs realized was sad and limiting, rather than gleeful and girlish.

No, Larbs, they seem to say. Don’t let go. You said you’d never let go. Come back to your twenties. You can eat all the frosting you want here!

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*It’s too bad they’re not actual Cheez-It ads, because I’d totally buy the Cheez-It dust.

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